MAN: [ Reads scroll with a German accent ]
Hey, fag-face, shitter's broke.
Are you serious?
Yeah, there's poop water all over the floor.
l just unclogged that. What have you been eating?
l ate all those nachos in the kitchen.
Those were my nachos.
l was saving those nachos.
Finders keepers, Bra.
You know, l really wish that you would appreciate
the risk that l'm taking here.
Too bad.
Look, if they find you,
l'm going to get in just as much trouble as you are.
You know? And l don't want to come down on you.
l like having you here. l just --
l wish you would respect my house.
Do you want some cheese with that whine?
l don't even know what that means.
[ Knocking at the door ]
Nazis!
Oh, shit! It's the Nazis!
Who?
lt's the fucking guys that are coming --
Get in the closet!
Please, get in the closet?
Please, get in the closet or we're going to die! Thank you.
All right, but l'm only staying in there for five minutes, tops.
Your closet sucks!
Hallo! Vee are your local Nazis.
Vee apologize for zee intrusion,
but we received a tip that you are harboring jerks here.
Whoa, you did?
Really?
No, guys, sorry, no...
no jerks here.
Oh, l notice that you have left some pornography out
on your living-room table.
Yeah, that's, um....
That's mine.
That's my stuff.
This is not your run-of-the-mill pornography, either.
This is some very heavy stuff.
Whips, lactation.
You know, in some of our research,
we have found that jerks tend to leave their hardcore pornography
laying all over zee place!
Yeah, but, see, l just didn't know that you guys
were going to be coming over, so that's --
That's why that's mine.
So, are you a jerk?
Am l a jerk? No! l'm not at all --
l'm not. l'm your --
You know, l'm more like your meek, kind of shy pervert.
And, you know, right before you guys came in, where l wa--
l was getting ready to...
masturbate... with that stuff.
To jerk off?
Jerk off, no, ha!
No, to...
Hitler off, really.
Good.
Very well.
Come, Hans, Iet us continue our search
for the Arc of the Covenant!
Yes, very well.
[ Farting ]
JERK: Safety.
What was that?
l was just saying, have a safe trip.
l do not think you are vishing us a safe journey.
l am thinking that you are hiding a jerk here!
No, l'm not.
There's not a jerk here.
Then you wouldn't mind if we were to release a nerd
into your house, would you?
A nerd?
Guys, there's --
There's no reason to bring a nerd here.
Nerd!
Here!
Oh, God!
[ Shivers ]
So cold in the car, but l didn't want to roll down the windows,
'cause all the allergens in the sky and everything.
And l heard on A.M. radio that --
Nerd, silence!
Go be nerdy around the house.
Start by zee closet!
Okay, l mean, l really don't know what you guys want me to do.
Oh, just be yourself.
Talk about whatever comes to your mind.
Well, it's damp in here.
[ Jerk grunts ]
Hey, do you guys want to hear about the new Web comic that l'm writing?
lt's about the Talking Heads,
and they go around solving all these mysteries,
just like in rhe X-files.
[ Jerk groans ]
Do you guys want to see my impression
of Heath Ledger's Joker?
[ Jerk bellows ]
[ Nerd screams ]
My closet!
[ Gunshot ]
All right, jerk, vee know you're in there!
You're coming vith us!
All right, l'm going to come out of the closet.
But not, like, come out of the closet.
'Cause, like, l'm totally into chicks.
Fags suck it.
But not, like, suck mine,
but you know.
Whatever.
[ Closet door opens ]
Get in the car.
Shotgun!
Ugh!
They always get me with that one!
The jerks always call shotgun.
[ Cheering ]
Good job, Wildcats!
We're the champs!
Hey, you guys played a great game,
and now we have the Rivercrest divisional trophy!
[ Cheers ]
Awesome! All right!
All right, great game, guys.
Guess what l went out and bought us.
An even bigger trophy!
[ Cheering ]
Ah, never mind them!
We know in our hearts that we won, and that's all that matters!
Yeah!
Guess what else l got.
A trophy for each one of us!
[ Cheering ]
That way, we each get to take something home!
'Cause that's all that matters!
Yeah! Yeah!
Do we each get trophies?
No, we don't each get trophies.
That coach is just a --
A jerk.
Guess what else!
Last week, l called the pizza place, and they said after the game,
we each get a personal pizza for free!
Yeah! Whoo!
Yeah!
We're number one! We're number one!
Did you call the pizza place?
No, l didn't call the fucking pizza place!
Good evening, everyone. l'm Brian Morales.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled program
to bring you some breaking news.
A bank heist in the downtown area has gone horribly wrong,
resulting in a shootout with police officers
in broad daylight.
We go now live to Robert Harris with our eye-in-the-sky chopper three.
Robert, what can you see?
ROBERT: Well, as you can see below me,
the suspects fled the scene in a white ford Taurus.
And they are moving recklessly fast.
l mean, you just have to hope to God
that they don't hit one of these other motorists down there.
Robert, about how fast do you think the car is going?
ROBERT: Extremely fast, Brian.
l'd say an excess of 80 miles an hour.
l mean, l can really see by the way that they're swerving in and out of --
What the --?
That's Meredith's car!
Um, Robert, what's going on with the pursuit there?
ROBERT: She said she was going out of town
for her grandmothers birthday!
Robert, the car?
ROBERT: Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
l should have known.
So, what's up with the pursuit, Robert?
ROBERT: Nothing changes.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
How could l have been so stupid?
Okay, uh, Robert,
we're just going to have to switch to another feed now, so --
ROBERT: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
l want all the people at home
to hear what a low-life gutter whore sounds like.
l'm calling her.
Okay, Casey, let's cut the feed.
ROBERT: You kill that feed,
and l'll crash this helicopter straight into the newsroom!
You know me, Brian! You know l'll do it!
[ Telephone dialing J
Okay, Casey, Iet's keep the feed going.
Let's keep the feed on.
[ Telephone rings ]
ROBERT: Come on, Meredith, pick up the phone.
Pick it up.
MEREDITH: Hello?
ROBE RT: How's it going, bitch?
MEREDITH: What.?
ROBE RT: l said, ''Hey, how's it going?''
MEREDITH: Oh, pretty good, pretty good.
ROBE RT: How's grandma?
MEREDITH: Oh, she's fine.
You know grandma.
ROBE RT: Put her on for me.
MEREDITH: What.?
ROBE RT: l said, ''Put her on.''
MEREDITH: Oh, you're breaking up.
You know what? l got to go.
MEREDITH: Grandma's about to blow out her candles.
ROBE RT: Meredith.. .
.. .l love you.
MEREDITH: Okay, now. Got to run!
ROBE RT: l said, ''l love you.''
MEREDITH: rhanks, bye.
[ Dial tone J
[ Robert sighs J
ROBERT: Well, 7 years, 4 months, and 22 days of not drinking
down the hatch.
[ Beer can opens ]
Cheers, Meredith!
Hey, Robert, uh --
Maybe we should just take a breath here and, uh --
Just bring the chopper down and call it a day, okay, buddy?
ROBERT: Oh, l'll bring the chopper down, all right!
l'll bring it down right on top of her fat cheating face!
Robert, uh --
[ Cell phone rings ]
ROBERT: Oh, Meredith.
[ Cell phone rings ]
Meredith!
Now is not a good time to be calling!
Yeah, no shit, he suspects something!
He's watching you.
No, l mean he's working right now, and he's watching you!
No!
Don't come here!
Meredith, do not come here!
Don't lead him here!
ROBERT: So long, baby! 'Till death do us part, right?
Casey, cut the feed. Just cut the damn feed, okay?
ROBERT: Ready for your close-up, skank?
-Meredith, get out of the car! -ROBERT: Get ready to take blade!
Admiral Akbar!
[ Screams ]
[ Explosion ]
ln other news, let's go now live to Karen Atwater
with this week's movie review.
Thanks, Brian!
The Invisible Dog Il is a delightful film
that will have you and your young pups
begging for more!
l give this happy tale two paws up!
''Woof, woof '' you'll say, as you roll over
at this fetching arf-venture that's sure to win best in show!
You won't want to give this movie the doggy door!
No, no, you'll want to sit, stay, and watch it over and over again!
Bow-wow!
[ Laughs, barks ]
Jesus, Karen,
if you didn't want the assignment, you should have just said something!
MAM: Stand by for launch codes.
[ Car interior dinging ]
Well, it's not my door.
lt's not mine.
Well, someone's door is open.
Sorry. Hang on.
[ Dinging continues ]
One more time. Sorry, guys.
[ Dinging continues ]
l am so sorry.
Look, it's not your door.
Does everybody have their seat belts on?
l do.
l don't.
Yes, you do.
Can you unlock my window?
No, l can't unlock your window! We're about to take off.
Unlock my window!
No, we're about to go into space.
You can't roll your window down.
l'm not going to roll my window down!
Then, why do you need me to unlock it?
Do you guys hear that dinging?
l want you to unlock it 'cause you're not the boss of me!
And l like to have control of my own window!
Um, yes, l am the boss of you. That's what ''Commander'' means.
And, no, l'm not unlocking your window.
Well, turn the A/C on, then.
See? You were going to roll your window down!
Maybe that dinging is because the trunk is open.
-Spaceships don't have trunks! -Spaceships don't have trunks!
Okay, you know what?
Screw it! l'm just going to go.
[ Car engine starts ]
Moving on to the second issue
is that recently, it's come to my attention that...
l'm not particularly sure what it is that we do here.
Well, this is an office. We do business.
Yeah, we're businessmen!
Right.
Well, we are that.
But, um, what kind of business do we do?
We manufacture and sell staplers.
l mean, right?
Well, we used to sell staplers,
but we've kind of farmed that out to different independent contractors.
So, we don't really do that anymore.
Well, we sell the staplers, then.
No, that's really more of a retail chain kind of thing.
Well, we sell the staplers to the chain.
No, that's several different distro-companies
spread across the country.
Well, we keep tabs on all that.
No, we actually found a cheap managerial firm in Indonesia
that takes care of the day-to-day operations, so...
nO.
Well, we're --
We're headquarters!
Well, we are headquarters.
Okay!
-Whoo! -Let's go--!
No, no, sit down, sit down.
Johnson, we'll start with you.
What is it that you actually do here?
l will often keep an eye on Matthews
and make sure he does not surf the Web.
He does do that, sir. He's on me like a hawk!
Matthews, what is it that you do here?
Well, l, uh...
pretty much just, uh, surf the Internet.
Johnson, when you're not ''getting on Matthews''
about the Internet,
what else do you do here?
l tend to take a shit after lunch.
Mmm.
Then sometimes, l will pretend to have a cigarette break,
and l'll actually just go down to the Barnes & Nobles, hang out...
there.
Read anything good while you're there?
No, l don't really read anything, l just kind of...
sit on the sofas.
Call me crazy, but, uh,
l always thought that we designed and produced dream catchers.
Go on.
Well, this is what l've been doing for 40 hours a week,
for about seven years now.
ln fact, l've been meaning to ask
when we're going to have our big pitch meeting.
Timmy, l don't think that we've ever
had anything to do with dream catchers.
l have come in on Christmas three times!
Bruce misses me!
Oh, sometimes l walk around the office with a folder!
Wilson, what is it that you do here?
Pbht!
Right. You know what?
l don't think that any of us really need to be here.
Sir, um --
Where will we go?
Yeah, we got to go somewhere!
l mean, l guess l could get a job at the Barnes & Nobles,
but then, where am l going to have a smoke break?
This is where we go!
All right.
This is the place that we go.
-Fine. -Okay.
All right. Everybody, back to whatever.
l'm gonna have a cigarette.
-Mr. Press Secretary! -Thank you, thank you.
Thanks, everybody, for coming out.
The President of the United States will be out shortly
to inform everyone of the amazing new discovery that we've made.
ls everybody ready for this?
We've discovered a brand-new color.
Yes.
REPORTER #1 : What does this new color look like?
Uh, it's kind of a mix between red and blue,
but it's not purple.
REPORTER #2: Is it indigo?
No, it is not indigo.
REPORTER #1 : Are you sure it's not purple?
We're sure it's not purple.
This is a completely new color that has never been seen before.
REPORTER #3: Is it maroon?
Um... l don't know.
What... what is ''maroon''?
REPORTER #3: This.
This is maroon.
Um....
[ Clears throat ]
Uh, yeah.
lt's maroon.
Um, well....
Since he's here, anyway, um....
The, uh, President of the United States.
[ Sighs ]
Well, l feel like an idiot.
[ Horn-quartet music plays ]
[ Wine glass dings ]
Hi, everybody. Thank you for coming.
lt's so nice to have a great turnout for Billy's christening.
l can't believe he circumcised his cat.
Yeah, l didn't think he was going to do it,
but then he just fucking did it.
l'm sorry Billy's being a hump at his own party.
l don't know where he's run off to!
l'm going to go to the bathroom.
''l'll be back!''
Heh, ''Predator.''
''Terminator.''
Awesome, time to test this thing out!
[ Electric hum ]
Nice, it works!
Come, check this out, best friends!
Don't call me that.
lt's my secret bathroom camera!
Your secret what?
Oh!
There go his pants!
Oh, this is disgusting!
Well, at least it's Sam.
No, man, it's disgusting
because he mounted a camera in his bathroom!
Yeah, for home security!
You started in the bathroom?
Darren, l'm having a party right now.
l think it's weird that Sam takes his pants
all the way off to take a dump!
Okay....
[ Laughter ]
Old shit-pants Cregger over here.
No, l just think it's weird that he would wait so long
to take his pants off.
Okay....
[ Laughter ]
Mr. ''Get out of the way, l've got to take a poop in a hurry!''
''l'm a busy man! l take busy poops! Look at me, l'm Zach!''
l hate parties! l'm going to the closet!
ZACH: Mom, can you come pick me up?
The guys are being jerks again!
And check it out, there's a camera inside the toilet, too!
-Don't do -- -Oh, my God!
lt's a pooping butthole!
Jesus, turn it off!
Yeah, or at least zoom out, so we can tell it's Sam!
lsn't this a great party, you guys?
No, Timmy, this is terrible! Seriously, turn it off!
Okay, fine, l'll switch it back!
You know, that's really messed up, man.
You invaded Sam's privacy!
l know! And look at this!
There's TVs in there! l can make Sam watch porn!
Why would you make him watch porn?
-l'm sure he's not gonna -- -Oh!
Go-Qo GadQet cum!
Well, looks like he finished.
[ Toilet flushes ]
Whoo!
You're all out of toilet paper.
And tissues.
And you probably should get a new bath mat.
-l got to go to the bathroom. -Wait, Trevor.
Hey, Sam, watch this.