1
00:00:40,433 --> 00:00:44,670
Greetings. Let me start by saying
l am Ambassador Richards.

2
00:00:44,766 --> 00:00:46,567
This is Ambassador Carlyle.

3
00:00:46,666 --> 00:00:48,000
Ambassador Thompson.

4
00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:52,037
And we are all very proud
to be representing the planet Earth

5
00:00:52,133 --> 00:00:53,601
in these negotiations.

6
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,635
[ Alien language ]

7
00:00:57,066 --> 00:00:59,902
Sir, we have the translator box
up and running now, l think.

8
00:01:00,066 --> 00:01:01,167
Well, it worked.

9
00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:03,868
All over her tits.

10
00:01:03,966 --> 00:01:06,468
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

11
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:10,202
Ha, ha, ha!

12
00:01:12,599 --> 00:01:13,567
That....

13
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:15,301
Oh...

14
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:16,501
Good one.

15
00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:19,701
Well, now that the ice
has been broken,

16
00:01:19,799 --> 00:01:21,535
let's commence
with the negotiations.

17
00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:24,002
Okay, good.

18
00:01:24,166 --> 00:01:25,901
We want all of your women.

19
00:01:28,933 --> 00:01:30,167
Oh.

20
00:01:30,266 --> 00:01:32,334
Um....

21
00:01:35,099 --> 00:01:41,473
Well, that certainly...
is a starting position.

22
00:01:41,566 --> 00:01:44,035
What would we get in return?

23
00:01:44,133 --> 00:01:49,805
See, the thing is, we kind of need
some of our women,

24
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:54,204
just for the whole continuation
of the species thing.

25
00:01:56,766 --> 00:02:01,070
Could we maybe keep...
three women?

26
00:02:01,233 --> 00:02:02,334
Or maybe six women?

27
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:03,300
Say our wives.

28
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,901
They can fucking keep Meredith.

29
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,435
Say our wives
and Carlyle's secretary.

30
00:02:07,533 --> 00:02:10,235
Present company's reproductive
partners will be spared,

31
00:02:10,333 --> 00:02:13,069
but all other women
must be delivered.

32
00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:15,268
Okay, um....

33
00:02:15,366 --> 00:02:23,774
Now, say we were to give you
all 500 of our women.

34
00:02:23,933 --> 00:02:25,901
What would you do with them?

35
00:02:27,099 --> 00:02:28,668
A great war has erupted

36
00:02:28,766 --> 00:02:30,767
on the outer reaches
of the Xanax system.

37
00:02:30,866 --> 00:02:35,303
Your women's ovaries are needed
to power our machines of death.

38
00:02:36,066 --> 00:02:37,934
Okay.

39
00:02:40,466 --> 00:02:42,034
ln return for this offering,

40
00:02:42,133 --> 00:02:44,869
the Robotussian warriors
will protect this sector

41
00:02:45,033 --> 00:02:48,569
from the Provasic invaders.

42
00:02:48,666 --> 00:02:51,502
They have been systematically
colonizing and draining

43
00:02:51,666 --> 00:02:54,135
these more primitive planets
of their resources.

44
00:02:54,733 --> 00:02:56,935
We stand as their sole opponents

45
00:02:57,033 --> 00:02:59,702
in their quest
to conquer the universe

46
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,201
and have traveled here

47
00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:05,504
to make ourselves known to you
as allies and defenders.

48
00:03:05,599 --> 00:03:09,837
We make this offer of protection
to any and all less civilized planets

49
00:03:09,933 --> 00:03:13,636
and only request their allegiance
and meager contribution.

50
00:03:14,099 --> 00:03:16,936
Well?

51
00:03:17,033 --> 00:03:18,901
Uh....

52
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,102
Um....

53
00:03:22,199 --> 00:03:23,568
This....

54
00:03:23,666 --> 00:03:25,000
Yeah.

55
00:03:25,099 --> 00:03:29,237
Um, that sounds... good to me.

56
00:03:30,233 --> 00:03:31,467
[ Farts ]

57
00:03:35,566 --> 00:03:38,101
Um....

58
00:03:38,199 --> 00:03:44,039
lf this is going down, then we're
gonna wanna be protected.

59
00:03:44,199 --> 00:03:47,303
We will also offer you
500 Xanax women.

60
00:03:47,466 --> 00:03:47,866
Oh!

61
00:03:47,966 --> 00:03:49,100
Well, no.

62
00:03:49,199 --> 00:03:53,070
l, um.... l don't think
that would be necessary.

63
00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:54,200
l'll take one.

64
00:03:55,933 --> 00:03:58,735
lmagine what you could do.

65
00:03:58,866 --> 00:04:01,768
We will also provide you
with communications technology

66
00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:04,902
so that you might receive messages
from our most high leader

67
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:05,967
Lunesta Seven.

68
00:04:06,099 --> 00:04:08,135
He will provide you
with updates of our struggle.

69
00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:09,668
Oh, my God.

70
00:04:10,866 --> 00:04:12,500
Do not be alarmed.

71
00:04:12,599 --> 00:04:14,735
We know that your species
male genitalia

72
00:04:14,833 --> 00:04:18,836
bears a striking resemblance
to our zarflogs.

73
00:04:18,933 --> 00:04:20,200
What?

74
00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:23,036
No! No....

75
00:04:23,133 --> 00:04:24,601
l thought it was a zarflog!

76
00:04:24,699 --> 00:04:27,002
l was thinking zarflog
the whole time.

77
00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:30,402
Hold on.
l know how to make it go down.

78
00:04:30,533 --> 00:04:32,234
Guys....

79
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:38,100
Yup.

80
00:04:38,866 --> 00:04:40,934
Well, will you accept our offer?

81
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:43,569
Um... sounds like a deal.

82
00:04:43,666 --> 00:04:44,533
Sounds like a deal.

83
00:04:44,666 --> 00:04:45,433
Shall we shake on it?

84
00:04:45,533 --> 00:04:47,801
Uh, nope. You know what?
We don't really shake hands on Earth.

85
00:04:47,899 --> 00:04:51,136
But good luck with the war
and take whatever women you want.

86
00:04:54,199 --> 00:04:56,735
That was the most embarrassing
meeting of my life.

87
00:04:56,833 --> 00:04:59,268
l can't believe
l clumped all over myself.

88
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:00,934
l don't think they noticed.

89
00:05:01,033 --> 00:05:04,169
Then my zarflog erupted on my face!

90
00:05:04,266 --> 00:05:05,500
lt's okay.

91
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,569
l should have never
come to work this sick.

92
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,203
-Hey, what's up, man?
-Sup, homies?

93
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:34,200
Hello, brother.

94
00:05:34,366 --> 00:05:36,101
l've never seen y'all before.
You new to the hood?

95
00:05:36,266 --> 00:05:38,835
Yeah, we're from a ghetto
in a different city.

96
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:40,501
Oh, y'all from D.C.?

97
00:05:42,333 --> 00:05:44,501
What?

98
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:48,102
You got a Skins hat on... D.C.

99
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,400
Oh!

100
00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:51,334
Oh!

101
00:05:51,433 --> 00:05:52,901
Yeah, yeah.

102
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:53,567
Oh!

103
00:05:53,666 --> 00:05:56,468
-Yeah, we're from a ghetto in D.C.
-Yes.

104
00:05:56,566 --> 00:05:59,435
But not like the CIA or anything!

105
00:05:59,533 --> 00:06:00,500
No.

106
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,002
[ Laughter ]

107
00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:09,170
Man, l am just
really stressed out lately.

108
00:06:09,266 --> 00:06:12,135
Just really, really tense.

109
00:06:12,233 --> 00:06:15,536
Dude, you should try
some of this crack!

110
00:06:15,633 --> 00:06:17,401
That's a great idea!

111
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:21,337
Some crack would really
hit the spot right now.

112
00:06:21,433 --> 00:06:22,534
What y'all talking about?

113
00:06:22,666 --> 00:06:28,171
Oh, it's just the new inexpensive way
to get incredibly high.

114
00:06:28,266 --> 00:06:30,601
You wouldn't be interested.

115
00:06:30,766 --> 00:06:31,766
Yeah, no, you're right.

116
00:06:31,866 --> 00:06:34,301
l got to keep my mind clear,
stick to the books.

117
00:06:34,466 --> 00:06:35,900
l'm trying to go to school
in the fall.

118
00:06:36,066 --> 00:06:40,537
Yeah. It's just this new way to help
you get into school this fall.

119
00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:43,235
You wouldn't be interested.

120
00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:44,934
Wait.

121
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,935
This can actually help me
get into school?

122
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:49,468
Yeah. Just a little bit

123
00:06:49,566 --> 00:06:52,168
will really help you
concentrate on your studies.

124
00:06:52,266 --> 00:06:55,669
Plus, you could sell it
and save all that money for college.

125
00:06:55,766 --> 00:06:59,002
Just an ounce of it
will get you up to $100.

126
00:06:59,100 --> 00:07:00,768
$1 oo?!

127
00:07:00,866 --> 00:07:03,735
Wow, that would help me pay
for all my books and stuff.

128
00:07:03,933 --> 00:07:06,869
Yeah, it could help you pay
for all your books and stuff.

129
00:07:07,033 --> 00:07:09,368
$1 OO an ounce.

130
00:07:09,466 --> 00:07:12,368
Wait a minute.
What's that gonna cost me?

131
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:18,804
Oh, for you, we have two vans
full of it over there for free.

132
00:07:18,933 --> 00:07:21,201
For free?! That's great!

133
00:07:21,366 --> 00:07:23,367
And remember, it's called crack.

134
00:07:23,466 --> 00:07:24,366
-Crack?
-Yeah.

135
00:07:24,466 --> 00:07:27,168
C-R-A-C-K, crack.

136
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:28,834
Here's a pager
if you need any more.

137
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:30,000
Wow.

138
00:07:31,633 --> 00:07:32,834
Guys, wait.

139
00:07:34,199 --> 00:07:37,770
l just -- l just want to say
this is a blessing.

140
00:07:37,866 --> 00:07:42,003
l don't know if you notice, but things
have been kind of rough around here.

141
00:07:42,366 --> 00:07:46,169
Holding down three jobs,
got a baby girl coming in May,

142
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:50,770
l just wasn't sure
how l was gonna make it, but....

143
00:07:50,866 --> 00:07:53,702
This is really gonna help me
get my life back on track.

144
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,103
So, thanks, guys.
Thank you.

145
00:07:59,233 --> 00:08:01,468
Hey, just doing what we can.

146
00:08:01,566 --> 00:08:02,566
Here to help.

147
00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,067
Thanks, guys.
Have a good day.

148
00:08:05,766 --> 00:08:11,505
Oh, by the way,
there aren't any up-and-coming

149
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:15,904
Martin Luther King Jr. types
we should know about, are there?

150
00:08:18,033 --> 00:08:20,368
[ Baby crying ]

151
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:24,701
What is it, baby?

152
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,836
What's going on?

153
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,368
Nothing?!

154
00:08:31,466 --> 00:08:33,935
Nothing's going on?!

155
00:08:34,033 --> 00:08:35,634
Thank you!

156
00:08:35,733 --> 00:08:41,505
See, l was asleep in the other room
and would have had no idea

157
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:46,071
that absolutely nothing
is going on in here

158
00:08:46,166 --> 00:08:49,302
unless you alerted me to the fact.

159
00:08:49,399 --> 00:08:52,169
Hold on, l'll get your mother.

160
00:08:52,266 --> 00:08:55,502
Hey, honey! Get in here!

161
00:08:55,600 --> 00:09:00,705
The baby wants us to know
that nothing is going on!

162
00:09:00,799 --> 00:09:03,202
Nothing going on?

163
00:09:03,299 --> 00:09:06,236
That is remarkable news, baby!

164
00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:08,768
Both of you, wait right here.

165
00:09:08,866 --> 00:09:09,967
Hang on.

166
00:09:10,066 --> 00:09:11,901
Oh, nothing.

167
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,836
Thanks, baby.
l'll cherish this forever.

168
00:09:14,933 --> 00:09:17,568
Well, if it's all right
with you now, baby,

169
00:09:17,666 --> 00:09:19,300
l'm gonna go back to sleep.

170
00:09:19,399 --> 00:09:21,702
You be sure to let me know

171
00:09:21,799 --> 00:09:28,239
the very next time that absolutely
nothing happens though, okay?

172
00:09:28,333 --> 00:09:31,869
Come, Harold, let us give thanks
to the Lord for blessing us

173
00:09:31,966 --> 00:09:35,269
with such a vigilant little infant.

174
00:09:37,799 --> 00:09:40,302
[ Grunting ]

175
00:09:41,933 --> 00:09:43,000
Damn it!

176
00:09:43,100 --> 00:09:45,268
Oh, God, Tank.
What are we gonna do?

177
00:09:45,366 --> 00:09:46,700
Majesto is getting away!

178
00:09:46,866 --> 00:09:48,300
There's nothing to do.

179
00:09:48,399 --> 00:09:51,169
What? What do you mean
there's nothing to do?

180
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:54,536
Well, he's tied us to chairs
and threw us out of a plane.

181
00:09:54,633 --> 00:09:57,669
We gotta think! We gotta think
of a way to get out of this.

182
00:09:57,833 --> 00:09:59,601
There's no way out of this situation.

183
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,701
He tied to us to chairs,

184
00:10:01,833 --> 00:10:05,536
and on top of that,
he threw us out of an airplane.

185
00:10:05,633 --> 00:10:08,268
Checkmate. Game over.

186
00:10:08,366 --> 00:10:10,835
So you're just gonna give up?

187
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:11,867
Listen, lady.

188
00:10:11,966 --> 00:10:15,569
Even if somehow l could magically
be untied from these ropes,

189
00:10:15,666 --> 00:10:18,435
we're still falling
from an airplane.

190
00:10:18,566 --> 00:10:21,402
What about that parachute
that got sucked out of the plane

191
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:22,667
when they opened the door?

192
00:10:22,766 --> 00:10:24,667
That's way over there.

193
00:10:24,766 --> 00:10:26,134
l can't believe you.

194
00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:29,803
Not half an hour ago you drove
a convertible off a bridge,

195
00:10:29,933 --> 00:10:33,736
leapt out, and managed to grab hold
of the rungs of an enemy helicopter.

196
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:36,702
And you said the coolest
funniest thing when you did it.

197
00:10:36,833 --> 00:10:39,502
What was it that you said?

198
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,701
You rung?

199
00:10:40,833 --> 00:10:42,734
Yeah! That was incredible!

200
00:10:42,833 --> 00:10:44,801
Why don't you do
something like that right now?

201
00:10:44,966 --> 00:10:47,435
Well, l had a convertible.

202
00:10:47,566 --> 00:10:49,901
There was a helicopter there.

203
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:54,304
This situation...
Chairs nothing to do.

204
00:10:54,399 --> 00:10:56,468
Maybe we can kick
and waggle our arms

205
00:10:56,566 --> 00:10:58,734
to swim over to the parachute.

206
00:10:58,899 --> 00:11:00,468
[ Laughs ]
You said waggle!

207
00:11:15,866 --> 00:11:18,468
You've been Yellow-Mustarded!

208
00:11:27,866 --> 00:11:31,269
When is your stupid fucking show
gonna leave our town?

209
00:11:31,366 --> 00:11:33,367
lt is a sentiment that has been
voiced frequently

210
00:11:33,466 --> 00:11:35,568
here in Rapaport
for quite some time.

211
00:11:35,666 --> 00:11:37,768
The cultural phenomenon
that is the show

212
00:11:37,866 --> 00:11:39,367
''You've Been Yellow-Mustarded''

213
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,467
has been renewed
for its fourth season

214
00:11:41,566 --> 00:11:43,868
and garnered its third
consecutive Emmy.

215
00:11:43,966 --> 00:11:46,902
Yet, despite the shows success
and popularity

216
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,470
the program refuses to leave
this sleepy hamlet.

217
00:11:50,633 --> 00:11:52,735
lt was all fun and games at first.

218
00:11:52,833 --> 00:11:55,468
Hell, l had a laugh.

219
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,569
lt's been four years now.

220
00:11:58,666 --> 00:12:02,569
They got everyone in town
multiple, multiple times.

221
00:12:02,733 --> 00:12:04,468
Well, the whole thing
started a while back

222
00:12:04,566 --> 00:12:08,603
when we offered the movie networks
and the TV studios a 400/o tax rebate

223
00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:10,268
to shoot here in Rapaport.

224
00:12:10,366 --> 00:12:12,034
lt's been kind of dead here job-wise

225
00:12:12,133 --> 00:12:13,801
since the motor plant
shut down a while ago,

226
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:18,638
so we thought, hey, it might boost
the economy and the morale a bit.

227
00:12:18,733 --> 00:12:20,134
But it didn't.

228
00:12:20,233 --> 00:12:22,268
Because the only show
that came here

229
00:12:22,366 --> 00:12:24,534
was the Goddamn mustard program.

230
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:27,436
Excuse me, sir.
Our car is making odd sounds.

231
00:12:27,533 --> 00:12:30,002
Could you help us out?

232
00:12:32,833 --> 00:12:34,434
lt's not funny anymore.

233
00:12:34,566 --> 00:12:37,001
The reason this show
will never not be funny

234
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:38,434
is that it's real!

235
00:12:38,533 --> 00:12:41,068
These are real people --
they're not actors --

236
00:12:41,166 --> 00:12:44,335
And they're really getting
yellow-mustarded!

237
00:12:44,466 --> 00:12:47,402
Chad Orwell is the award-winning
executive producer

238
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,368
behind ''You've Been
Yellow-Mustarded.''

239
00:12:49,533 --> 00:12:51,034
These are not actors.

240
00:12:51,133 --> 00:12:54,002
These are your everyday,
run of the mill

241
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:57,536
ma and pa, salt of the earth,
dumb as doorknobs

242
00:12:57,633 --> 00:13:00,268
backbones of America!

243
00:13:00,433 --> 00:13:02,434
l don't think he respects Rapaport,

244
00:13:02,533 --> 00:13:05,168
and l don't think he respects
the people of Rapaport.

245
00:13:05,299 --> 00:13:07,969
l think he sees us as iust
a bunch of small-town people

246
00:13:08,066 --> 00:13:09,367
to dump mustard on.

247
00:13:09,466 --> 00:13:12,902
And he keeps going on and on
about how the reactions are so real.

248
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,901
Well, they're real
because we're mad!

249
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,802
We're just mad,
and we want it to stop!

250
00:13:17,899 --> 00:13:20,502
And it's not even like
we're surprised anymore anyway.

251
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,101
We're all expecting it.

252
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:24,001
Can l get a hot dog?

253
00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:26,469
Sure. Do you want any ketchup
or mustard with that?

254
00:13:26,566 --> 00:13:29,235
Oh.... Never mind. Never mind.

255
00:13:29,333 --> 00:13:32,803
Oh, no, no, no.
l'm not one of those mustard guys.

256
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:38,403
The people of Rapaport have
caught on to the prank a little bit,

257
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:40,368
so to keep the show fresh,

258
00:13:40,466 --> 00:13:42,868
we have to keep upping that ante
and, you know,

259
00:13:42,966 --> 00:13:46,436
really think of ways to get them
when they least expect it.

260
00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:49,301
[ Woman screams ]

261
00:13:54,733 --> 00:13:56,000
What the hell?!

262
00:13:56,533 --> 00:13:59,168
You know,
for every complaint that we get,

263
00:13:59,266 --> 00:14:04,571
there's also 1 O,OOO people out there
who really love this show.

264
00:14:04,666 --> 00:14:08,069
And l also think
that somewhere deep down,

265
00:14:08,166 --> 00:14:11,202
the people of Rapaport
Iove this show, too.

266
00:14:11,299 --> 00:14:12,834
Besides, not many people know this,

267
00:14:12,933 --> 00:14:16,603
but yellow mustard is actually
very good for the skin.

268
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:18,101
Oh, that's right.

269
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,803
We actually no longer use
yellow mustard on the show.

270
00:14:21,899 --> 00:14:24,836
Turns out it was actually
a lot cheaper to just use yellow ink.

271
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:28,002
Yeah, l remember the day
they made that switch.

272
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:31,736
That was horrible
in a whole other kind of way.

273
00:14:31,899 --> 00:14:33,101
lt's great.

274
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,336
And this is the first time
that l'm announcing it,

275
00:14:36,433 --> 00:14:41,371
but the network has just signed
a ground-breaking deal

276
00:14:41,466 --> 00:14:43,868
that renews
''You've Been Yellow-Mustarded''

277
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:49,304
for an unprecedented
five additional seasons.

278
00:14:49,399 --> 00:14:53,170
So, we're gonna be here
in Rapaport, Michigan

279
00:14:53,266 --> 00:14:57,703
for a very, very long time.

280
00:14:57,866 --> 00:15:00,401
Five more years?

281
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:02,301
Why doesn't anybody help us?

282
00:15:02,399 --> 00:15:04,502
We try to write letters
to family and friends,

283
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,902
but you know how the post office
is always getting mustarded,

284
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,002
and we'd call somebody for help,
but you know how the show is,

285
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:13,002
with taking our phones away and all.

286
00:15:23,166 --> 00:15:25,368
ANNOUNCER: rhey were five
of the roughest convicts

287
00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:27,267
the state had ever seen.

288
00:15:27,433 --> 00:15:31,003
You boys are in a chain gang!

289
00:15:31,133 --> 00:15:33,101
On the run from the law.

290
00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:36,534
With nowhere to hide.

291
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:42,071
Until they found their way
out of the frying pan.. .

292
00:15:43,966 --> 00:15:46,268
...and into the fire.

293
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,569
Oh, good.
You're the new teachers.

294
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:01,636
Shut your traps or l'll cut each one
of your fucking heads off!

295
00:16:01,733 --> 00:16:04,735
You got that, cholos?

296
00:16:05,533 --> 00:16:07,968
[ Children begin to cry ]

297
00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:09,901
We can't teach those kids.

298
00:16:10,066 --> 00:16:13,702
We're just gonna teach them
what we know.

299
00:16:13,799 --> 00:16:16,502
Let's say Cleveland Steve
from cell-block D

300
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,536
just got this fine new ladyboy
for a cell-mate.

301
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:23,570
And let's say he's offering
20 minutes with this little punk

302
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:25,267
for two packs of Newports.

303
00:16:25,433 --> 00:16:27,434
Then how much would it cost

304
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:30,369
for us to get 10 minutes
with this little trick boy?

305
00:16:30,533 --> 00:16:32,601
One pack of Newports?

306
00:16:32,766 --> 00:16:36,936
Very good, Natalie.
No hole for you today.

307
00:16:37,100 --> 00:16:38,634
They're bringing the big house.. .

308
00:16:38,799 --> 00:16:40,501
What's with the underwear, kid?

309
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,801
Bobby gave me a wedgie at recess.

310
00:16:42,966 --> 00:16:44,467
Oh, he did?

311
00:16:44,633 --> 00:16:45,834
.. .to the schoolhouse.

312
00:16:45,933 --> 00:16:47,801
Die, snitch!

313
00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:57,102
Kindergarten Cons.

314
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,502
The other day
Steve did the funniest thing.

315
00:17:02,966 --> 00:17:04,634
l asked him to go to the store....

316
00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:06,201
-You didn't!
-l did!

317
00:17:06,299 --> 00:17:07,934
l asked him to go
pick up some milk,

318
00:17:08,033 --> 00:17:10,235
and you would not believe
what he came back with.

319
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:13,269
l couldn't begin to imagine.

320
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,533
Diet Milk?

321
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:15,967
-Milk!
-Oh!

322
00:17:16,066 --> 00:17:17,400
l can't believe it!

323
00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:20,269
l know! You are so cute!

324
00:17:20,366 --> 00:17:21,166
Yeah.

325
00:17:21,266 --> 00:17:23,835
Our lives should be, like, a sitcom!

326
00:17:23,933 --> 00:17:25,834
l know!

327
00:17:25,933 --> 00:17:29,703
lt could be about two couples
that are best friends

328
00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:33,770
and every week they meet
to talk about the crazy things

329
00:17:33,866 --> 00:17:36,101
that are happening in their lives!

330
00:17:36,266 --> 00:17:41,537
And one of the couples
is thinking about getting a doggy!

331
00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:48,206
Scratch that. Both couples
are thinking about getting a doggy!

332
00:17:48,366 --> 00:17:49,033
No!

333
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:49,800
Yes!

334
00:17:49,966 --> 00:17:50,466
No!

335
00:17:50,566 --> 00:17:52,401
-l know!
-Oh!

336
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:55,102
Our doggies should get married!

337
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,868
That would make us....

338
00:17:56,966 --> 00:18:02,604
Grand-doggiiiiieeees!

339
00:18:02,766 --> 00:18:04,400
[ Screams ]

340
00:18:16,733 --> 00:18:18,367
Hmm.

341
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:24,136
Awkward.

342
00:18:24,299 --> 00:18:26,168
Wow.

343
00:18:26,266 --> 00:18:28,801
Table monster.

344
00:18:28,966 --> 00:18:30,334
Table monster?

345
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:34,270
Yeah. Table monsters
get people all the time.

346
00:18:34,433 --> 00:18:38,703
So anyway, what color
are you gonna dye your puppy?

347
00:18:38,799 --> 00:18:43,204
Oh, well, l hadn't really
thought about it yet.

348
00:18:43,299 --> 00:18:44,034
Really?

349
00:18:44,133 --> 00:18:45,434
Just kidding!

350
00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:48,335
l'm gonna dye it rose velvet.

351
00:18:48,433 --> 00:18:50,268
But velvet's not a color.

352
00:18:50,366 --> 00:18:52,167
l know, but it should be.

353
00:18:52,266 --> 00:18:53,433
Yeah.

354
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:57,203
l'm gonna go and try
and take a shit.

355
00:18:57,299 --> 00:19:00,569
So, are you gonna make your doggy
go to church?

356
00:19:00,666 --> 00:19:02,601
Every Sunday.

357
00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:05,569
-We could carpool!
-Yeah!

358
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,801
Hey!

359
00:19:13,733 --> 00:19:15,568
-What's up, dude?
-What the hell, man?

360
00:19:16,766 --> 00:19:18,267
Yeah, sorry, dude.

361
00:19:18,366 --> 00:19:22,970
lt's just like... the two of them
in there at once, they're just --

362
00:19:23,066 --> 00:19:24,534
l just can't, man.

363
00:19:24,666 --> 00:19:26,934
So you just leave me in there
and you fake your own death?

364
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,300
You know, l did this a while ago.

365
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,335
l, like, made up
this table monster thing

366
00:19:30,433 --> 00:19:33,469
and Debbie, like, totally
believes whatever, so....

367
00:19:33,566 --> 00:19:37,703
Really? She doesn't ask questions
when you both go home together

368
00:19:37,799 --> 00:19:39,334
or later on at home?

369
00:19:40,466 --> 00:19:41,934
No, dude.

370
00:19:42,033 --> 00:19:44,368
Debbie does not think
about that kind of shit.

371
00:19:44,466 --> 00:19:46,301
A while back, l told her
l was off to the woods

372
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,169
to, like, fight ghosts or something
for two weeks at a time,

373
00:19:49,266 --> 00:19:51,534
and she just said, ''Good luck ''
and then packed me lunch.

374
00:19:51,666 --> 00:19:52,600
Really?

375
00:19:52,766 --> 00:19:53,466
Yeah, dude.

376
00:19:53,566 --> 00:19:55,534
l got this other apartment
on the other side of town

377
00:19:55,633 --> 00:19:58,135
and just head over there and get
ripped all the time. It's sweet.

378
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,035
-W ow.
-l know.

379
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,467
l'm heading over there now, actually.

380
00:20:02,566 --> 00:20:04,834
l'm gonna listen to some mixed tapes
l made in high school

381
00:20:04,933 --> 00:20:06,167
and do a shitload of bro-caine.

382
00:20:06,266 --> 00:20:08,034
You wanna come?

383
00:20:08,133 --> 00:20:09,834
More than anything.

384
00:20:09,933 --> 00:20:13,102
But uh, you know,
l gotta get back to dinner.

385
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,802
Dude, just get in there,
table monster that shit,

386
00:20:15,966 --> 00:20:17,701
and we can bounce.

387
00:20:17,866 --> 00:20:19,334
l don't care. l'll say it.

388
00:20:19,433 --> 00:20:24,805
''The Loveliest Bride''
was the best movie ever made!

389
00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:26,901
Oh, l know!

390
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:30,570
That bride was so lovely!

391
00:20:30,733 --> 00:20:36,038
l laughed and l cried,
and l cried, and l cried, and l cried,

392
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:39,536
and l cried, and l cried,
and l cried....

393
00:20:39,633 --> 00:20:40,900
l know!

394
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,401
For weeks!

395
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:45,169
Hey, what are you two girls
talking about?

396
00:20:45,266 --> 00:20:46,700
Whoa!

397
00:20:46,799 --> 00:20:48,134
Whoa!

398
00:20:48,233 --> 00:20:49,400
Whoa!

399
00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:50,400
Ohh!

400
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:53,369
[ Screams ]

401
00:20:53,466 --> 00:20:55,334
Oh! Table monster!

402
00:20:55,433 --> 00:20:57,802
That was no table monster!

403
00:20:57,900 --> 00:20:59,001
What?

404
00:20:59,099 --> 00:21:00,134
Look.

405
00:21:00,299 --> 00:21:01,467
[ Gasps ]

406
00:21:02,133 --> 00:21:04,568
Table monsters
don't sound like that.

407
00:21:04,666 --> 00:21:06,200
Table monsters sound like:

408
00:21:06,299 --> 00:21:08,935
Guuuaargh!

409
00:21:09,566 --> 00:21:14,304
Frank! Did you try to fake your death
at this nice restaurant?

410
00:21:14,466 --> 00:21:15,567
Whoa!

411
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:17,267
Whoa!

412
00:21:17,666 --> 00:21:19,200
Whoa!

413
00:21:19,299 --> 00:21:20,234
Whooaa!

414
00:21:20,333 --> 00:21:22,101
Frank, no.

415
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:23,167
Ah!

416
00:21:23,266 --> 00:21:24,767
Fuck!

417
00:21:24,933 --> 00:21:25,900
Fuck! Ah!

418
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:27,000
Connie!

419
00:21:28,833 --> 00:21:31,101
Cocaine, dude? What's up?

420
00:21:31,266 --> 00:21:33,534
We should go back to my place

421
00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:38,504
and play and watch MASH
all night long!

422
00:21:38,599 --> 00:21:44,005
Well, l was supposed to go to work
tomorrow, but not anymore!

423
00:21:44,099 --> 00:21:46,302
Whoo!

424
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:50,504
Hey, hey. You know, l heard that
there are all these ghosts in town,

425
00:21:50,599 --> 00:21:53,736
and l should probably go
and kill them, right?

426
00:21:54,599 --> 00:21:56,468
Fuck! Ah!

427
00:21:56,566 --> 00:21:57,767
Girls' night!

428
00:21:57,933 --> 00:21:58,600
Girls' night!

429
00:21:58,700 --> 00:21:59,467
Girls' night!

430
00:21:59,566 --> 00:22:00,266
Girls' night!

431
00:22:00,366 --> 00:22:01,233
Girls' night!

432
00:22:01,333 --> 00:22:01,833
Ahhh!

433
00:22:01,933 --> 00:22:04,702
Ahhh!

434
00:22:04,799 --> 00:22:06,635
Whoo!

435
00:22:06,733 --> 00:22:08,234
-Whoo!
-Ah h! Ah h!

436
00:22:08,333 --> 00:22:10,835
-Whoo!
-Whoo! Whoo!

437
00:22:10,933 --> 00:22:13,435
Girls' night! Girls' night!
Girls' night!

438
00:22:13,599 --> 00:22:16,703
[ Screaming ]