[ Noise ]
[ Woman screaming in Vietnamese ]
[ Furniture moving, woman screams ]
[ Door opens ]
[ Woman continues to scream ]
[ Speaking Vietnamese ]
Okay, gentlemen.
Let me just start off by addressing the elephant in the room.
Let's all try to be adults about this.
[ Woman screams ]
Last night l invited this young Vietnamese prostitute to my room
to engage in some consensual fun,
terms were set, things were going smoothly,
and then l caught her trying to steal my wallet.
[ Woman screaming in Vietnamese ]
Yes, you did!
Yes, you did.
So, when l threatened to call the authorities,
she swallowed the handcuffs' key.
Now, normally l am not one to flaunt my indiscretions
or put you good people in an awkward situation.
But as CEO of this corporation
it is my duty to put responsibility ahead of personal interest.
And let me tell you that neither hell nor high-water
nor some cracked out Asian whore...
...is gonna keep me from seeing this merger through.
Okay.
Johnson, got your head in the clouds?
What?
Come on, let's focus.
Focus on what, sir?
The contracts!
Ah...
Johnson's head's in the clouds.
Probably thinking about his golf game last weekend.
[ Laughing ]
Let's see... These all look above board.
Gerry, you know when the Bergman Sax
are gonna be over to add their signatures?
You know, we could do this whole... after everything...
when you're ready.
What do you mean?
Well, l mean...
Wait! Are you talking about the whore?
[ Speaking in Vietnamese ]
Well, yeah.
Come on, Gerry! l expected more from you!
Maybe you need to go home for the day, get your head in the game.
Sir!
l mean it!
l brought my A-game today,
l need you people to be Iaser-sharp for this thing.
Now, let's focus!
[ Man yells ]
That's just her pimp. Never mind.
Now, let me look at this thing.
This all looks pretty good,
but l had a brainstorm on the way over here today.
l was thinking, if we could shave 30/o off Bergman Sax
on the franchise rights--
[ Man yells ]
Yeah, well, l bet she didn't tell you that she took my wallet.
[ Woman yells ]
Now, l think we could probably get
1 OO/o off the back end in the first year.
Now, Williams, what do you think? Think Bergman Sax will bite on this?
Uh, sir?
Can l ask what's going on?
Um, he's angry at her because he doesn't think
that she was going to cut him in on the take, which probably...
Wha--?
Look! Now you've got me doing it! l'm serious, people!
Pay attention!
We need to focus here, all right?
lt's just a pimp stabbing his trick. Happens all the time.
Aaaaaah!
Aaaaaahhhh! Ahhhh!
Ahhh!
Why did l do that?
Ahhh!
Why?
Ahhh!
lf l did it right,
my legs and my nuts would feel the same as they did before!
Ahhh!
Not better! Not worse! Just the same!
But l didn't do it right,
and now they feel... uh, l don't know...
6,OOO times worse!
Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhh!
Dude. Come on.
No! No! No!
lt has taken me years to get to this point!
Years of practice!
You guys are jerks for even letting me try to do something like that!
l will never, never, never, ever, never, ever...!
Man, l hate Mr. McGillicutty.
You think he's really quitting this time?
No.
He'll be back.
Never, ever! Never! Never! Ever!
You know, this earthquake's really taking a long time.
lt really is.
We should turn the news on and find out what's going on.
Good idea.
We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this special report.
Well, we're here in day 2 of the earthquake.
46 hours in, and there's still no end in sight.
Seismologists are stamped,
geologists baffled, and astronauts weren't even asked about it.
We go now live--
Holy Jesus!
We go now to Stacey Ladynews who's out on the street.
Stacey?
Thanks, Jim.
l'm gonna hold you to that.
As you can see, looting has begun
down here at the Fashion Center Mall
and one local dog is none too happy about it.
J That's Wendell
and his owners run the Huggins family appliance store
down here at the shopping center.
They've lost over 900/o of their inventory over the past two days.
One thing's for sure,
many shop owners are asking themselves
where is their Super Dog now?
Where, indeed, Stacey?
ln fact, if Super Dog is out there listening,
l'd like to say on behalf of us all, ''Here, Boy. Here.''
Turning now to international news.
Ahh! Fucking shit!
Local newsman suspended for cursing on air!
Read all about it! His indecency trial starts today!
Read about it!
, Now, Mr. Jim Laidoff
would you mind telling the fine folks of this jury
what was so important
that you felt you had to say it on the public airwaves?
Go ahead.
Fucking shit.
F'ing S.
, And, Mr. Laidoff
why would you feel it necessary to say F'ing S on television?
Well, a goddamn fucking light hit me in the head.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, fudgie stuff!
Well, this isn't looking good.
MAN: The earthquake stopped!
lt's true! It has stopped!
Hear ye, hear ye! This calls for a celebration!
l declare sodas for everybody!
-Hip hip! -Hooray!
Hip hip hooray!
Fucking shit!
Ahhh! Ha ha ha!
# It's hard to go to work with a boner #
# It's hard to drive a car with a boner #
# It's hard to mow the lawn with a boner #
# It's hard to go to sleep with a boner #
# Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba #
# Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-baaa #
# It's weird to pet your cat with a boner #
# It's weird to hug your mom with a boner #
# It's weird to host Thanksgiving with a boner #
# It's weird to feed your kid with a boner #
# Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba #
# Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-baaa #
# Never trim your hedges with a boner #
# Never make a promise with a boner #
# Never slam the door with a boner #
# Never write a sketch with a boner #
Come on.
[ Horse neighs ]
Hey, Darryl, what's shakin'?
Well, Chester,
l've been trying to artificially inseminate old Laney Sue down there
with this purebred l got from Scarsborough,
but l just can't seem to get him excited, if you know what l mean.
You mean like a horsey-boner?
Yeah, damn buck just doesn't seem interested.
Well, have you tried showin' him a picture of a stegosaurus yet?
Now why in the hell would l want to do that?
'Cause horses love stegosauruses.
Really?
Yeah, l keep this picture on me at all times.
l used it on all my stallions.
Whoa! Whoa!
[ Horse neighs ]
Okay, that's enough!
Pull the poster down!
Seems to me that horse ain't seen a stegosauruses for quite some time.
Get me another bucket, Chester! Help!
Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!
Candice, please. l'm trying to drive the car.
l'm just so excited we're finally seeing this movie!
l've been waiting so long!
What? To see ''The Most Loveliest Bride''?
Yes, ''The Most Loveliest Bride''! What's wrong with that?
Well, Candice, you didn't even know about ''The Most Loveliest Bride''
until last week.
l don't care!
And you need to hurry 'cause we're gonna be late
for ''The Most Loveliest Bride''!
l'm going as fast as l can. The roads are really bad tonight.
You need to hurry up, 'cause we got to see ''The Most Loveliest Bride''!
l'm going as fast as l can, Candice!
We need to see ''The Most Loveliest Bride''!
-Candice, l'm going as fast as l can! -We're gonna be late!
-Candice, stop it! -We're gonna be late!
Candice, l'm trying to drive the car!
[ Screams ]
[ Crash ]
''The Most Loveliest Bride.''
[ Gasps ]
We have to go see ''The Most Loveliest Bride''!
Tom! We have to go see ''The Most Loveliest Bride''!
We have to go see ''The Most Loveliest Bride''!
Wake up, Tom! Wake up!
We have to go see ''The Most Loveliest''--
No! No! No!
Noooo!
-Calm down! -No!
Calm down!
You don't understand! l'm late for ''The Most Loveliest Bride''!
Calm down! Somebody cover that up!
We have to go see ''The Most Loveliest Bride''!
Calm down! Frankie, give me a hand over here!
''The Loveliest Bride''!
Settle down, Ma'am. You've been in an accident.
l have to go see ''The Most Loveliest Bride''!
Frankie, hold her down while l get this shot into her.
''The Most Loveliest Bride''!
-Hold her, Frankie! -''The Most Loveliest Bride''!
Ahhhh!
''The Loveliest Bride.''
''The Loveliest--''
-Jesus Christ. -That was crazy.
[ Screams ]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Nobody move!
l'm gonna go see ''The Loveliest Bride''!
[ Screams ]
[ Laughing ]
She's so lovely!
MOVIE: You truly are the most loveliest bride.
She's so lovely! Oh!
[ Laughs ]
She's so lovely!
Sir, you wanted to see me?
Yes, Trumeter, come on in.
So, what's up?
Nothing.
Just noticed that you've got quite a black eye there.
Yeah, l missed a pop-fly at softball this weekend.
lt was pretty dumb.
Playing softball, huh?
Yeah.
Okay, what's the real scoop?
Sir?
Where'd you get the shiner?
l really got it from softball.
Are you sure you didn't get it at a... fight club?
Sir?
Just so you know...
...l'm cool.
Okay.
What?
Where'd you get the black eye?
l got it from softball.
[ Chuckles ]
Me thinks, l am Jack's Iying to his boss.
What?
Trumeter, l know what's going on here, okay?
l was a young, fresh-faced intern just like yourself
when that movie came out.
''Fight Club''?
l wanted to join one so bad,
but l could never figure out where they took place.
So l just want you to know...
...l'm cool.
Mr. Timmy, l do not belong to a fight club.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
l know.
The first rule about fight club is:
[ Mouths silently ]: You don't talk about fight club.
Sir.
Trumeter, l know you've started a fight club,
and l want in.
l really don't know how else to tell you this, but --
l want in or you're fired.
Okay.
Okay, first of all, can l thank all you guys for doing this for me.
lt's a real big favor.
l also want to thank Bill
for letting us use the basement of his subshop.
lt's really cool of you, man.
Not a problem, dude.
All right, well, let's go over some of the rules.
The first rule of fight club is when my boss shows up
try and act like we've been doing this for a while, okay?
Second rule of fight club is
do not fuck with any of the cups or the condiments down here, okay?
Thanks, man.
The third rule is that--
[ Door opens ]
Bo-waow-waow-waow.
Hey, everyone, this is my boss.
What's up, guys? Huh?
How's it going?
What's up, Trumeter?
Even the Mona Lisa's falling apart.
Okay.
So, who wants to fight my boss?
Dude.
Ha, ha! All right!
l want to destroy something beautiful, you know?
[ Timmy screams ]
TIMMY: l can't breathe!
l can't breathe!
[ Screams ]
l can't breathe!
[ Groans and screams ]
Trumeter, thank you so much
for inviting me to the ''you know what''!
l've had the best night of my life.
Yeah, didn't you park back there?
Hey, can l ask you something crazy?
[ Sighs ]
Yeah.
Do you think we're the same person?
God, l hope not.
How is that gay?
lt's just gay.
lt is so not gay.
lt is so gay.
Look, it's not gay.
l just said that it would be cool if l had a girlfriend who had balls.
And that's why it's gay.
No, no, no! She's a chick!
lt's not like she has a dick or anything.
She just has balls.
That's gay.
l mean, like testicles.
l know.
How can you not think that's, like, the hottest thing ever?
Because l'm straight.
Me too! l'm talking about a chick!
With dude genitalia.
With dude genitalia!
That's gay!
You are crazy!
Guys, Brian said that you have to keep it down in here.
Oh, good, Zach's here.
Okay, Zach. You tell me when this gets gay.
Okay.
So, l'm hooking up with this smoking hot chick.
Sure.
She looks like a female version of George Clooney.
That's a little gay.
Hold on.
So, we're making out on the mouth.
[ Smooches ]
Then l'm touching her boobs.
Right.
Then l'm grabbing her butt cheeks.
Fine.
Then l'm playing around with her sweet vagina!
Sure.
Then l'm wiping my wiener on her balls.
-Gay. -What?
Are you listening to one word that l'm saying?
What about that is remotely gay?
The balls.
They're stuck to a chick!
You know, maybe what's confusing you guys
is that you think l'm talking about a dick.
Nope.
'Cause l could see where that would be gay.
Right.
But l'm not talking about a dick.
l'm talking about good old-fashioned perfectly round, lightly misted,
wood-chip-fragranced, awesome balls.
Could we get the check, please?
l'm gonna go slow, all right?
And you both just be completely honest with me.
Haven't you both always wanted for girls to have balls?
No.
Uh, okay. All right.
lt's just me.
lt's just me!
Yeah, dude, it's totally just you.
l'm the crazy one here.
l'm just crazy.
You know what? Stop the car.
-Stop the car. -No.
Okay, peep this.
l drew a little diagram last night
that should help you guys out with your little misunderstanding.
So try,
just try and tell me that this... is gay.
Unbelievably.
That's it, you're both fired.
l don't even care.
lt's not gay.
Too little to late. Get out!
All right, everybody, back to work!
We have till next Friday to think up four new popcorn flavors!
ANNOUNCER: That's right,
you've been watching the ''Popcorn factory Sketch.''
Look for it online by name as ''The Popcorn factory Sketch.''