1 00:48:41,466 --> 00:48:44,969 Welcome back to Montgomery Hall for the live presidential debates. 2 00:48:45,066 --> 00:48:49,003 lf you're just joining us, l'll introduce the four candidates. 3 00:48:49,233 --> 00:48:51,602 Bill Homestead is the junior senator from South Dakota. 4 00:48:51,699 --> 00:48:53,168 Pleased to be here. 5 00:48:53,400 --> 00:48:57,003 Up next is the New Hampshire congressman, Jack Moyer. 6 00:48:57,233 --> 00:48:59,101 The former Illinois governor, Guy Ludlum. 7 00:48:59,333 --> 00:49:00,033 Mary. 8 00:49:00,266 --> 00:49:02,601 And the senator from Delaware, Jack Patton. 9 00:49:02,699 --> 00:49:04,168 Thank you, Ma'am. 10 00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,667 Let's talk about the war. 11 00:49:05,766 --> 00:49:07,467 Many would say that our involvement 12 00:49:07,566 --> 00:49:09,901 has been lengthier than initially intended. 13 00:49:10,133 --> 00:49:12,902 Most Americans are in favor of withdrawal, 14 00:49:13,133 --> 00:49:16,669 but there is a disagreement about the timetable of that withdrawal. 15 00:49:16,766 --> 00:49:21,137 Senator Homestead, what would be your exit strategy? 16 00:49:21,366 --> 00:49:22,800 Well, l've said since the beginning 17 00:49:22,900 --> 00:49:24,868 that the main problem with the current administration 18 00:49:24,966 --> 00:49:27,501 is that they have no exit strategy whatsoever. 19 00:49:27,733 --> 00:49:30,035 l believe we can have the troops back home 20 00:49:30,266 --> 00:49:31,000 by this time next year 21 00:49:31,099 --> 00:49:33,435 while leaving behind a stable government over there. 22 00:49:33,633 --> 00:49:34,567 l see. 23 00:49:34,666 --> 00:49:35,833 Now, Senator Moyer, 24 00:49:35,933 --> 00:49:38,935 l know you've disagreed with Senator Homestead in the past, 25 00:49:39,033 --> 00:49:40,501 so l will allow a rebuttal. 26 00:49:40,733 --> 00:49:41,733 Thank you. 27 00:49:41,833 --> 00:49:45,069 l believe that Senator Homestead talks a good talk 28 00:49:45,166 --> 00:49:47,535 but lacks the foreign policy experience 29 00:49:47,633 --> 00:49:51,370 and the military know-how to actually accomplish such a plan. 30 00:49:51,599 --> 00:49:53,735 My administration would start from day one 31 00:49:53,833 --> 00:49:56,569 by withdrawing every troop from the area. 32 00:49:56,666 --> 00:49:59,869 We would also leave the burden of securing order 33 00:50:00,099 --> 00:50:02,969 to the citizens of the country and their surrounding allies. 34 00:50:03,066 --> 00:50:05,001 l believe this is the will of the country, 35 00:50:05,099 --> 00:50:07,302 l believe this is the best course of action, 36 00:50:07,400 --> 00:50:09,635 and l also believe that, come November, 37 00:50:09,733 --> 00:50:14,170 Americans are going to be ready for a real change. 38 00:50:15,333 --> 00:50:16,233 Excuse me. 39 00:50:16,533 --> 00:50:17,467 Senator Homestead? 40 00:50:17,699 --> 00:50:20,602 Yes. l'd like to object, if l may, to Senator Moyer's 41 00:50:20,699 --> 00:50:23,936 use of an electric guitar to punctuate his point. 42 00:50:24,033 --> 00:50:27,002 This is the kind of dirty politics and distracting theatrics 43 00:50:27,099 --> 00:50:29,101 that we need to get out of the White House right now. 44 00:50:29,333 --> 00:50:30,867 lf we are going to continue this debate, 45 00:50:30,966 --> 00:50:32,967 l'd like to call for the removal of the guitar. 46 00:50:33,233 --> 00:50:35,935 Now, now, Senator Homestead. As made clear from the beginning, 47 00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:38,502 you were each allowed to bring two props to this debate. 48 00:50:38,599 --> 00:50:40,568 The guitar is one of Senator Moyer's. 49 00:50:40,666 --> 00:50:43,335 You are free to use one of your props, if you'd like. 50 00:50:43,566 --> 00:50:46,168 Well, l didn't know they could be distracting props! 51 00:50:46,266 --> 00:50:49,002 All l brought was a copy of the Bible for inspiration 52 00:50:49,099 --> 00:50:52,136 and a supportive letter from my wife, Barbara! 53 00:50:54,066 --> 00:50:56,034 Okay, l guess l'll make my rebuttal. 54 00:50:56,133 --> 00:50:57,400 l'd like to take a moment to talk 55 00:50:57,500 --> 00:50:59,969 about the ''surrounding allies'' that Mr. Moyer mentions. 56 00:51:00,066 --> 00:51:02,802 These are nations that have very hostile feelings towards the United-- 57 00:51:02,900 --> 00:51:04,034 [ Air horn blows ] 58 00:51:04,766 --> 00:51:06,134 [ Applause ] 59 00:51:06,266 --> 00:51:10,136 Oh! An air-horn interruption from Governor Ludlum. Here we go. 60 00:51:10,366 --> 00:51:12,034 There is no way that should be allowed! 61 00:51:12,133 --> 00:51:14,568 Now, now, Mr. Homestead. That is one of his props. 62 00:51:14,666 --> 00:51:15,566 Governor Ludlum, 63 00:51:15,666 --> 00:51:18,301 do you have something you'd like to add to Mr. Homestead's statement? 64 00:51:20,633 --> 00:51:24,603 [ Air horn blows ] 65 00:51:24,833 --> 00:51:28,903 Very well, Governor. Let's move on down to Senator Patton. 66 00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:31,936 We all know that you have a very specific exit strategy. 67 00:51:32,033 --> 00:51:33,501 Would you care to elaborate? 68 00:51:33,733 --> 00:51:37,169 [ Rock music plays ] 69 00:51:37,266 --> 00:51:38,667 [ Cheers and applause ] 70 00:51:38,866 --> 00:51:40,567 Ooh! Ooh! 71 00:51:41,766 --> 00:51:44,101 Ooh! Ooh! 72 00:51:44,333 --> 00:51:46,268 Objection! He's got way too many props! 73 00:51:46,366 --> 00:51:48,568 He's got a dog, he's got a boombox, 74 00:51:48,666 --> 00:51:51,635 he's got the cape, he's got the sunglasses... 75 00:51:51,866 --> 00:51:52,666 Clothing is not a prop. 76 00:51:52,900 --> 00:51:53,500 Ugh! 77 00:51:53,733 --> 00:51:56,268 # Super Dog # 78 00:51:56,366 --> 00:52:01,003 # Everyone loves Super Dog # 79 00:52:01,233 --> 00:52:04,703 [ Applause ] 80 00:52:14,366 --> 00:52:15,967 Thank you, Senator Patton. 81 00:52:16,066 --> 00:52:19,302 Senator Homestead, do you have a rebuttal prepared to Super Dog? 82 00:52:19,533 --> 00:52:20,767 Super Dog? 83 00:52:21,000 --> 00:52:22,868 My mistake, Senator Patton. 84 00:52:23,099 --> 00:52:24,167 This is absurd! 85 00:52:24,266 --> 00:52:26,701 These guys are over here putting on some circus show 86 00:52:26,800 --> 00:52:28,735 when all l want to do is talk about the issues. 87 00:52:28,833 --> 00:52:31,302 We have over 36 million people 88 00:52:31,400 --> 00:52:33,235 living below the poverty line right now. 89 00:52:33,466 --> 00:52:35,367 [ Air horn fades and stops ] 90 00:52:35,466 --> 00:52:36,567 Awww! 91 00:52:36,800 --> 00:52:38,902 Good! It's out of juice. At least that's over. 92 00:52:42,266 --> 00:52:45,202 Well, it looks like Governor Ludlum is using his second prop, 93 00:52:45,433 --> 00:52:46,901 a machine that fills air horns. 94 00:52:47,000 --> 00:52:47,900 [ Applause ] 95 00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:49,034 [ Air horn blows ] 96 00:52:49,266 --> 00:52:50,033 Oh, my God! 97 00:52:50,133 --> 00:52:51,667 [ Air horn blows ] 98 00:52:51,900 --> 00:52:54,402 Senator Homestead, perhaps you'd do well to use some of your props 99 00:52:54,500 --> 00:52:55,634 and stop smearing the other candidates. 100 00:52:55,866 --> 00:52:59,135 What do you want me to do? Read the entire Bible? 101 00:52:59,366 --> 00:53:00,433 God, no! 102 00:53:00,533 --> 00:53:02,368 How about the letter from your wife? 103 00:53:02,599 --> 00:53:04,034 lt's personal! 104 00:53:04,266 --> 00:53:05,066 lt's clearly stated in the rules 105 00:53:05,166 --> 00:53:07,868 that each candidate must use one of their props. 106 00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:10,668 Okay, fine! 107 00:53:10,766 --> 00:53:14,603 Maybe this will bring a little insight and reality into this debate! 108 00:53:15,133 --> 00:53:17,935 l wasn't planning on reading this tonight, but here we go. 109 00:53:18,699 --> 00:53:20,468 [ Music plays ] 110 00:53:20,633 --> 00:53:21,667 ''Dearest beloved, 111 00:53:21,766 --> 00:53:23,701 good luck tonight with the big debate. 112 00:53:23,800 --> 00:53:26,802 The children and l are proud of you no matter what happens. 113 00:53:26,900 --> 00:53:28,334 We know what a wonderful man you are 114 00:53:28,433 --> 00:53:31,903 and what a great leader you would make this fine nation one day. 115 00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:35,103 We will pray that God give you a quick tongue and a sharp mind 116 00:53:35,333 --> 00:53:37,034 as you engage this evening. 117 00:53:37,133 --> 00:53:40,669 Your loving wife and daughters, Barbara. 118 00:53:40,766 --> 00:53:44,936 P.S. l have enclosed a lock of my hair to give you strength.'' 119 00:53:45,033 --> 00:53:46,200 Aw, that's sweet. 120 00:53:46,300 --> 00:53:47,467 [ Buzzer ] 121 00:53:48,366 --> 00:53:51,669 l'm sorry, Mr. Homestead, but that's three props. 122 00:53:51,900 --> 00:53:55,370 You are now officially disqualified from this debate. 123 00:53:55,599 --> 00:53:58,803 You and your seed will be be banned from politics from this day 124 00:53:58,900 --> 00:53:59,900 until the end of time. 125 00:54:00,133 --> 00:54:01,767 What? 126 00:54:02,099 --> 00:54:04,335 Fuck this country! 127 00:54:04,466 --> 00:54:05,967 [ Rock music plays ] 128 00:54:06,166 --> 00:54:10,870 # Super Dog! President Super Dog! # 129 00:54:11,099 --> 00:54:14,069 [ Applause ] 130 00:54:21,366 --> 00:54:23,067 Eighteen days. 131 00:54:23,166 --> 00:54:26,369 -No food, no water-- -There's water! 132 00:54:26,466 --> 00:54:28,267 -No drinking water. -Ooooh! 133 00:54:28,500 --> 00:54:30,134 Drinking water. Right. 134 00:54:30,366 --> 00:54:32,234 All right, man, l've been thinking, 135 00:54:32,333 --> 00:54:34,802 we're gonna die if we don't get some sort of nourishment. 136 00:54:34,900 --> 00:54:37,636 And l don't wanna have to kill and eat you, 137 00:54:37,733 --> 00:54:40,168 and l don't want you to have to kill and eat me. 138 00:54:40,266 --> 00:54:41,634 No, we're best friends. 139 00:54:41,733 --> 00:54:43,734 Whatever. Look. 140 00:54:43,833 --> 00:54:47,369 What if l just ate a little bit of you, 141 00:54:47,466 --> 00:54:49,134 and you ate just a little bit of me, 142 00:54:49,233 --> 00:54:51,134 just to keep us going until rescue arrives? 143 00:54:52,300 --> 00:54:54,802 That sounds fair. 144 00:54:54,900 --> 00:54:56,301 What part of me do you wanna eat? 145 00:54:56,400 --> 00:54:57,067 Huh? 146 00:54:57,166 --> 00:54:59,101 What on me looks good? 147 00:54:59,199 --> 00:55:00,634 l don't know. 148 00:55:00,733 --> 00:55:02,167 What on me looks good? 149 00:55:02,266 --> 00:55:05,836 Hmm, you know, if l had to pick... 150 00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:08,568 ...l guess your, ah, 151 00:55:08,666 --> 00:55:10,334 l guess your lips look pretty good. 152 00:55:10,433 --> 00:55:12,535 Yeah, l was thinking that, too. 153 00:55:12,633 --> 00:55:14,001 Yeah, lips look good, right? 154 00:55:14,099 --> 00:55:16,769 Yeah. They're like, meaty, right? 155 00:55:16,866 --> 00:55:19,101 They seem pretty easy to eat. You know? 156 00:55:19,199 --> 00:55:21,435 Yeah, and you don't really need your lips. 157 00:55:21,533 --> 00:55:22,834 Totally! 158 00:55:23,766 --> 00:55:26,201 Settled, man. Let's just eat each other's lips. 159 00:55:26,300 --> 00:55:27,467 At the same time? 160 00:55:27,566 --> 00:55:29,601 Just go for it, man. l'm fucking starving. 161 00:55:29,699 --> 00:55:31,334 Okay. 162 00:55:42,933 --> 00:55:43,833 [ Moaning ] 163 00:55:43,933 --> 00:55:44,833 Ah, yeah. 164 00:55:44,933 --> 00:55:46,200 That's good. 165 00:55:51,400 --> 00:55:52,134 [ Moaning ] 166 00:55:54,166 --> 00:55:56,401 [ Moaning ] 167 00:55:56,500 --> 00:55:57,567 [ Laughter ] 168 00:55:57,666 --> 00:55:58,700 Hey, fags! 169 00:55:58,800 --> 00:56:01,402 -Hey! Hey! -Hey! Stop the boat! 170 00:56:01,500 --> 00:56:04,569 [ Laughter ] Oh, that was good! 171 00:56:04,666 --> 00:56:06,634 Man, we are really far out here! 172 00:56:06,733 --> 00:56:08,668 Yeah, maybe we should turn back. 173 00:56:08,766 --> 00:56:12,536 Hey, you guys see those fags? 174 00:56:12,866 --> 00:56:14,033 -Oh, dolphin! -Oh! 175 00:56:14,133 --> 00:56:15,067 [ Scraping metal ] 176 00:56:15,166 --> 00:56:16,100 [ Laughter ] 177 00:56:16,199 --> 00:56:17,100 Fag! 178 00:56:24,366 --> 00:56:26,401 This war is crazy, man! 179 00:56:27,199 --> 00:56:31,671 Can't wait to get back to base and get one of those Vietnamese burritos! 180 00:56:32,800 --> 00:56:33,767 What? 181 00:56:34,366 --> 00:56:38,570 l said l want to get a Vietnamese burrito! 182 00:56:40,466 --> 00:56:41,733 What? 183 00:56:42,366 --> 00:56:44,000 Close the door, man! 184 00:56:44,833 --> 00:56:48,703 l know it's a crazy war! l just said that! 185 00:56:49,933 --> 00:56:53,236 No, no! Close the door! 186 00:56:55,066 --> 00:56:57,101 Yeah. 187 00:56:57,833 --> 00:56:59,234 Yeah. 188 00:56:59,900 --> 00:57:01,835 Close the door, man! 189 00:57:03,233 --> 00:57:06,369 Right on, man! l love it! 190 00:57:07,066 --> 00:57:09,468 Dude! Just close the door shut! 191 00:57:11,433 --> 00:57:12,867 l don't know. 192 00:57:12,966 --> 00:57:17,670 Like, maybe once. With, like, my uncle's sister. 193 00:57:18,099 --> 00:57:19,768 What, dude? 194 00:57:19,866 --> 00:57:22,969 Close! The! Door! 195 00:57:35,500 --> 00:57:38,002 Dude, l'm just saying, close the door! 196 00:57:39,033 --> 00:57:40,467 Are you sure? 197 00:57:41,366 --> 00:57:42,266 What? 198 00:57:47,500 --> 00:57:50,169 Aren't l gonna need that? 199 00:57:50,266 --> 00:57:52,735 Just shut the fucking door, man! 200 00:57:54,900 --> 00:57:57,869 You're crazy, man! 201 00:57:57,966 --> 00:57:59,334 All right! 202 00:57:59,433 --> 00:58:00,734 Dude! Stop doing that! 203 00:58:00,833 --> 00:58:02,401 Whoo! 204 00:58:02,500 --> 00:58:03,701 Just close the door! 205 00:58:03,800 --> 00:58:06,102 Aaagh! 206 00:58:07,466 --> 00:58:10,936 All right, let's do this! 207 00:58:13,199 --> 00:58:15,368 Shut the door. 208 00:58:26,099 --> 00:58:26,900 My boot. 209 00:58:27,000 --> 00:58:28,301 Retard! 210 00:58:32,833 --> 00:58:35,468 This song is for everyone in the club. 211 00:58:35,566 --> 00:58:38,568 Someone very special just walked in the door, 212 00:58:38,666 --> 00:58:41,969 and he's ready to party. 213 00:58:42,066 --> 00:58:45,169 # A Super Dog is here to play # 214 00:58:45,266 --> 00:58:49,336 # A Super Dog is here to play # 215 00:58:49,433 --> 00:58:52,335 # A Super Dog is here to say # 216 00:58:52,433 --> 00:58:53,467 # l say hail to the chief # 217 00:58:53,566 --> 00:58:54,400 # Hail to the chief # 218 00:58:54,500 --> 00:58:56,335 # Someone grab a stick and play fetch with the chief # 219 00:58:56,433 --> 00:58:58,301 # Super Dog's in the discotheque # 220 00:58:58,400 --> 00:59:00,602 # And and he's gonna take some honeys in here to bed # 221 00:59:00,699 --> 00:59:02,334 # He doesn't roll over and never, ever begs # 222 00:59:02,433 --> 00:59:04,501 # If you look real good he'll hump your leg # 223 00:59:04,599 --> 00:59:05,667 # But don't get mad, girls # 224 00:59:05,766 --> 00:59:06,566 # Don't get bitter # 225 00:59:06,666 --> 00:59:09,702 # Some lucky lady's gonna have his litter # 226 00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:12,903 # Everybody get on your knees # 227 00:59:13,000 --> 00:59:17,237 # And pray like good little super puppies # 228 00:59:17,333 --> 00:59:21,003 # Everybody get on your knees # 229 00:59:21,099 --> 00:59:24,403 # And pray like good little super puppies # 230 00:59:24,500 --> 00:59:26,201 #Oh, Super Dog, don't kill us all # 231 00:59:26,300 --> 00:59:28,135 # Don't murder us with your furry paws # 232 00:59:28,233 --> 00:59:29,200 # We are your subjects # 233 00:59:29,300 --> 00:59:30,167 # You're our ruler # 234 00:59:30,266 --> 00:59:32,267 # Like Kennedy and Buddha but so much cooler # 235 00:59:32,366 --> 00:59:34,167 # The bark you make is a golden sound # 236 00:59:34,266 --> 00:59:36,334 # And the spots on your coat so round and brown # 237 00:59:36,433 --> 00:59:38,101 # And the cute little curl that's in your tail # 238 00:59:38,199 --> 00:59:40,368 # And nobody wears a cape so well # 239 00:59:40,466 --> 00:59:41,366 # l_s Super Dog # 240 00:59:41,466 --> 00:59:42,466 # Yeah, Super Dog # 241 00:59:42,566 --> 00:59:44,100 # Everybody get a picture with Super Dog # 242 00:59:44,199 --> 00:59:45,067 # Pet him on the head # 243 00:59:45,166 --> 00:59:46,333 # Give him a toy # 244 00:59:46,433 --> 00:59:48,434 # Oh, Super Dog is such a good boy # 245 00:59:48,533 --> 00:59:49,100 # l_s Super Dog # 246 00:59:49,199 --> 00:59:50,301 # Yeah, Super Dog # 247 00:59:50,400 --> 00:59:52,034 # Everybody get in line and touch Super Dog # 248 00:59:52,133 --> 00:59:54,201 # Please bless our food and bless our crops # 249 00:59:54,300 --> 00:59:56,201 # And we pray that the music never, ever stops # 250 01:00:00,733 --> 01:00:03,235 [ Air horn blows ] 251 01:00:22,900 --> 01:00:26,069 And then l gave the guy an uppercut right there at the bar! 252 01:00:25,766 --> 01:00:27,734 That is so hot. 253 01:00:27,833 --> 01:00:29,301 You're sure he was gay? 254 01:00:29,400 --> 01:00:30,601 Totally! 255 01:00:30,966 --> 01:00:34,469 Oh, my God, we're coming up on my ex-boyfriend's street! 256 01:00:34,566 --> 01:00:35,967 Should l beat his ass? 257 01:00:36,066 --> 01:00:39,102 No, it's not like that. You actually have heard of him, probably. 258 01:00:39,199 --> 01:00:41,235 His name is Trent Reznor. 259 01:00:41,666 --> 01:00:44,602 Oh, yeah. 260 01:00:44,699 --> 01:00:46,301 Who is he again? 261 01:00:46,400 --> 01:00:49,236 Ugh! He's like the piano player for that band, Nine Inch Nails. 262 01:00:49,333 --> 01:00:51,668 He's like some big, stupid rock star or something. 263 01:00:51,766 --> 01:00:53,367 Like Dave Matthews? 264 01:00:53,933 --> 01:00:55,901 Yeah, kind of like Dave Matthews. 265 01:00:56,333 --> 01:01:00,737 Wait, is he one of those musicians who wears, like, makeup and stuff? 266 01:01:00,833 --> 01:01:03,068 Yeah, he's, like, totally goth now. It's pathetic. 267 01:01:03,166 --> 01:01:06,602 And check it out, l'm the one that did it to him. Look. 268 01:01:06,699 --> 01:01:09,869 Here's a picture of Trent two days before l dumped his ass. 269 01:01:09,966 --> 01:01:11,367 Seems like a cool dude. 270 01:01:11,466 --> 01:01:11,732 Okay. 271 01:01:11,833 --> 01:01:15,303 And now here's the picture of Trent two days after l dumped his ass. 272 01:01:15,400 --> 01:01:17,235 Oh! Oh! 273 01:01:17,966 --> 01:01:19,233 -Fag! -Totally. 274 01:01:19,333 --> 01:01:20,400 He's a total fag. 275 01:01:20,500 --> 01:01:22,201 So, anyways, now sometimes when l get bored, 276 01:01:22,300 --> 01:01:25,536 l like to just drive over to his house and just drive him crazy. 277 01:01:25,633 --> 01:01:27,301 lt's pretty fun. Do you want to try it? 278 01:01:28,199 --> 01:01:29,534 l like fun. 279 01:01:30,400 --> 01:01:31,501 [ Dog barks ] 280 01:01:31,599 --> 01:01:34,736 Now, don't uppercut him or anything, baby. Leave this to me. 281 01:01:34,833 --> 01:01:38,336 ls that the pizza? Golly, you guys sure got here in a-- 282 01:01:38,433 --> 01:01:39,867 Aaagh! 283 01:01:39,966 --> 01:01:42,401 Stephanie! How did--? Ugh! 284 01:01:42,500 --> 01:01:46,470 Ugh! Ugh, ugh! Aaugh! 285 01:01:47,900 --> 01:01:50,902 Agh! Ahg! Ugh, uh, Stephanie! 286 01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:52,901 Wha--? Wha--? What are you doing here? 287 01:01:53,000 --> 01:01:56,303 l-- l-- l thought you were the pizza man! 288 01:01:56,400 --> 01:01:58,268 Oh, l was just in the neighborhood, so l thought l'd pop in 289 01:01:58,366 --> 01:02:01,402 and tell you that l'm probably totally in love with you again. 290 01:02:01,966 --> 01:02:05,436 Ooh! Augh! 291 01:02:05,533 --> 01:02:11,071 l-- l knew this day would come! l never stopped believing! 292 01:02:11,166 --> 01:02:11,766 Stephanie! 293 01:02:11,866 --> 01:02:14,868 l love you, too! 294 01:02:14,966 --> 01:02:16,400 Psych! l'm just fucking with you, Trent. 295 01:02:16,500 --> 01:02:18,768 l think you're totally pathetic and weird. 296 01:02:18,866 --> 01:02:19,800 Hah! 297 01:02:22,666 --> 01:02:27,871 [ Cries ] 298 01:02:28,000 --> 01:02:30,235 [ Inaudible dialogue ] 299 01:02:34,199 --> 01:02:39,672 Stephanie, why would you come here and do this to me again? 300 01:02:39,766 --> 01:02:41,767 Because l want you to meet my new boyfriend. 301 01:02:41,866 --> 01:02:44,735 His name is Dirk, and his dick is huge. 302 01:02:45,199 --> 01:02:46,901 [ Cries ] 303 01:02:47,000 --> 01:02:48,134 Guilty! 304 01:02:48,233 --> 01:02:50,168 Hey, man. What's up? Nice to meet you. 305 01:02:53,500 --> 01:02:54,367 Psych, fag! 306 01:02:54,466 --> 01:02:55,500 [ Laughter ] 307 01:02:55,599 --> 01:02:58,602 Good one, Dirk. Kiss me. 308 01:03:00,266 --> 01:03:02,201 Guys, sorry, l've got to go. 309 01:03:02,300 --> 01:03:06,604 l have to channel my pain into my music! 310 01:03:07,433 --> 01:03:08,600 He always does this! 311 01:03:08,699 --> 01:03:09,667 [ Piano Plays ] 312 01:03:09,766 --> 01:03:11,934 Uh, by the way, Trent, Dirk's a musician, too, 313 01:03:12,033 --> 01:03:14,001 and he's probably totally better than you are! 314 01:03:14,099 --> 01:03:14,800 [ Sobs ] 315 01:03:14,900 --> 01:03:19,604 Yeah, l know, like, almost every Sublime song on bass! 316 01:03:19,699 --> 01:03:20,367 My God! 317 01:03:20,466 --> 01:03:23,101 Hey, Trent, your place Iooks like shit! 318 01:03:23,199 --> 01:03:23,667 [ Sobs ] 319 01:03:23,766 --> 01:03:27,002 Yeah, this is what l imagine a girl vampire's house to look like. 320 01:03:27,099 --> 01:03:31,270 # l thought you were a pizza but you were )ust my heartbreak # 321 01:03:31,366 --> 01:03:32,934 # Insects in the rotting fruit # 322 01:03:33,033 --> 01:03:34,167 # My head is a hammer # 323 01:03:34,266 --> 01:03:37,769 So, yeah, basically l just come over here every couple years or so, 324 01:03:37,866 --> 01:03:40,068 and l give him a hard time, and then he goes and makes an album 325 01:03:40,166 --> 01:03:41,800 and makes like a shit ton of money. 326 01:03:41,900 --> 01:03:44,202 lt's kind of a win/win situation. 327 01:03:44,300 --> 01:03:45,701 Yeah, l heard the Sublime guys 328 01:03:45,800 --> 01:03:48,502 always like to write music when they smoke weed. 329 01:03:48,599 --> 01:03:52,570 Oh, oh, baby, want to see him really turn on the waterworks? 330 01:03:52,666 --> 01:03:55,668 Take out your dick, and then l'll call him into the room. 331 01:03:55,766 --> 01:03:57,234 This will be funny! 332 01:03:57,333 --> 01:03:58,467 # Dirk! Dirk! # 333 01:03:58,566 --> 01:04:00,267 #What a jerk! What a jerk! # 334 01:04:00,366 --> 01:04:01,800 # There's pigs everywhere # 335 01:04:01,900 --> 01:04:05,370 Hey, Trent, l think the pizza guy's at the door. 336 01:04:05,466 --> 01:04:10,003 Oh, finally! A pizza will help take my mind off of-- 337 01:04:10,099 --> 01:04:11,334 [ Cries ] 338 01:04:11,433 --> 01:04:15,103 l'm just kidding, l'm totally blowing my boyfriend. 339 01:04:15,199 --> 01:04:18,269 Fuck you, nerd! 340 01:04:18,766 --> 01:04:21,835 Oh, yeah! 341 01:04:21,966 --> 01:04:27,638 Ladies, and gentlemen, the surviving members of Sublime! 342 01:04:27,733 --> 01:04:30,669 So, sorry about all that music we put out. 343 01:04:30,766 --> 01:04:33,502 Hindsight's 20-20. 344 01:04:33,599 --> 01:04:37,070 We just hope you guys can all find it in your hearts to forgive us. 345 01:04:37,166 --> 01:04:37,866 Anyway, 346 01:04:37,966 --> 01:04:44,038 the Grammy for Best Industrial/Emo Album of the Year goes to... 347 01:04:45,099 --> 01:04:48,837 Nine Inch Nails, with the album ''Dirk, the Pizza Jerk''. 348 01:04:48,933 --> 01:04:52,703 [ Cries ] 349 01:05:04,033 --> 01:05:04,633 Okay, Caleb. 350 01:05:04,733 --> 01:05:08,369 Well, good morning, and welcome to your first day of homeschool! 351 01:05:08,900 --> 01:05:11,602 Now, our first class of the day will be geometry. 352 01:05:11,699 --> 01:05:14,702 l was looking at our lesson plan Iast night, and it looks to me like-- 353 01:05:14,800 --> 01:05:16,234 Mom, l'm gonna get some Cap'n Crunch. 354 01:05:16,333 --> 01:05:16,966 Ah, excuse me, Caleb. 355 01:05:17,066 --> 01:05:19,368 No, you're not. There's no eating in the classroom. 356 01:05:20,900 --> 01:05:22,368 This is the kitchen. 357 01:05:22,466 --> 01:05:24,901 Well, during school hours, we're calling this the classroom. 358 01:05:25,000 --> 01:05:27,202 And l would appreciate it if you did not call me ''Mom'', 359 01:05:27,300 --> 01:05:29,902 but instead refer to me as ''Mrs. Carlyle''. 360 01:05:31,133 --> 01:05:32,000 Ms. Carlyle? 361 01:05:32,099 --> 01:05:33,367 Thank you, Caleb. Yes? 362 01:05:34,466 --> 01:05:35,967 You're not a real teacher. 363 01:05:38,099 --> 01:05:41,837 During school hours, l am your homeschool teacher. 364 01:05:41,933 --> 01:05:45,369 Okay, Mom, l hope l do really, really good at homeschool, 365 01:05:45,466 --> 01:05:47,835 so that way l can get into a homecollege, 366 01:05:47,933 --> 01:05:52,070 and then l can get a homejob and make tons of homemoney! 367 01:05:52,166 --> 01:05:54,334 Caleb, l will be making sure that you are more than prepared 368 01:05:54,433 --> 01:05:55,801 to get into a good college! 369 01:05:55,900 --> 01:05:57,701 What's the square root of 1 44? 370 01:05:57,800 --> 01:05:58,967 Excuse me? 371 01:06:00,300 --> 01:06:03,770 What's the square root of 1 44? 372 01:06:03,866 --> 01:06:04,800 Keep it up! 373 01:06:04,900 --> 01:06:07,902 Keep it up, young man. Because that's not in the lesson today. 374 01:06:08,000 --> 01:06:09,401 l don't need to know that today. 375 01:06:09,500 --> 01:06:09,933 So.... 376 01:06:10,033 --> 01:06:14,537 l'm supposed to learn geometry from a lady who never graduated college? 377 01:06:14,633 --> 01:06:17,635 Caleb! l dropped out of school so l could raise you! 378 01:06:17,733 --> 01:06:19,668 Okay, so l'm supposed to learn geometry from a lady 379 01:06:19,766 --> 01:06:22,635 who never graduated college and wasn't smart enough to use condoms. 380 01:06:22,733 --> 01:06:26,103 That--! You--! That is detention! 381 01:06:26,633 --> 01:06:28,601 Sweet! Where's that, like, my room? 382 01:06:28,699 --> 01:06:29,367 Yeah--! 383 01:06:29,466 --> 01:06:31,401 No! That is-- 384 01:06:31,500 --> 01:06:32,701 That is in the laundry room! 385 01:06:32,800 --> 01:06:34,635 Okay, going to the laundry room. See-ya. 386 01:06:34,733 --> 01:06:36,901 During school hours, it's a detention hall! 387 01:06:37,000 --> 01:06:38,201 Thanks for clearing that up, Professor. 388 01:06:38,300 --> 01:06:39,834 That's 20 more minutes in the detention hall! 389 01:06:39,933 --> 01:06:40,867 Uh-huh. 390 01:06:42,500 --> 01:06:44,301 Excuse me, l've got to do your lau-- 391 01:06:44,400 --> 01:06:45,200 [ Gasps ] 392 01:06:45,300 --> 01:06:47,001 Caleb! Are you smoking? 393 01:06:47,099 --> 01:06:48,801 Yep. Where do l got to go now? 394 01:06:48,900 --> 01:06:50,334 ls the principal's office my room? 395 01:06:50,433 --> 01:06:52,301 'Cause l'm really just trying to make it back up there. 396 01:06:52,400 --> 01:06:56,070 You are on strike two, young man! One more, and you get suspended! 397 01:06:56,166 --> 01:06:59,569 lf l get suspended, does that mean l go back to real school? 398 01:06:59,666 --> 01:07:00,833 This is real school! 399 01:07:00,933 --> 01:07:02,634 Now, back to the kitchen! 400 01:07:02,733 --> 01:07:03,867 You mean classroom. 401 01:07:03,966 --> 01:07:05,233 That's right! Classroom! 402 01:07:07,033 --> 01:07:09,335 Okay, now, there are three types of triangles. 403 01:07:09,433 --> 01:07:11,434 -There's the isosceles-- -Mrs. Carlyle. 404 01:07:11,533 --> 01:07:12,567 Yes, Caleb? 405 01:07:12,666 --> 01:07:15,468 l just got an invisible telegram from the Elf Kingdom. 406 01:07:15,566 --> 01:07:16,967 Princess Buttercup is in trouble, 407 01:07:17,066 --> 01:07:18,700 and they need me to go help, so, l'm gonna have to skip today. 408 01:07:18,800 --> 01:07:20,935 Caleb Jesse Carlyle! 409 01:07:21,033 --> 01:07:22,567 What? You're pretending, l'm pretending! 410 01:07:22,666 --> 01:07:24,467 We're pretending together! 411 01:07:24,566 --> 01:07:25,633 That is--! 412 01:07:25,733 --> 01:07:27,935 That's it! You go down to the garage! 413 01:07:28,033 --> 01:07:30,235 Oh, no! The garage? 414 01:07:30,333 --> 01:07:32,268 ls that, like, super detention? 415 01:07:32,366 --> 01:07:36,636 Yes! That's like super detention! It's the super detention hall! 416 01:07:36,733 --> 01:07:38,167 The super detention hall! 417 01:07:38,266 --> 01:07:40,468 ls that the one with the pool table? 418 01:07:40,566 --> 01:07:41,500 Yes! 419 01:07:41,599 --> 01:07:42,400 No! 420 01:07:42,500 --> 01:07:47,171 You don't go to the garage! You go -- outside to the backyard! 421 01:07:47,266 --> 01:07:51,203 That's where the real pool is! l'll go get my swim trunks! 422 01:07:51,300 --> 01:07:52,034 No! 423 01:07:52,133 --> 01:07:53,234 Caleb! 424 01:07:53,333 --> 01:07:54,100 You--! 425 01:07:54,633 --> 01:07:55,767 You go--! 426 01:07:57,433 --> 01:07:58,567 To your room. 427 01:07:58,666 --> 01:08:00,667 There we go. Good first day, Mom. 428 01:08:01,566 --> 01:08:03,034 lt's Mrs. Carlyle. 429 01:08:12,933 --> 01:08:14,668 [ Music plays ] 430 01:08:27,133 --> 01:08:29,602 lt's working! 431 01:08:47,766 --> 01:08:50,802 Yes! Yes! 432 01:08:50,899 --> 01:08:56,005 l'm finally ready! l'm finally ready! 433 01:08:59,833 --> 01:09:02,035 Oh, oh. 434 01:09:02,133 --> 01:09:03,834 Oh. 435 01:09:12,366 --> 01:09:14,634 Awesome! 436 01:09:15,433 --> 01:09:18,803 Fucking awesome! 437 01:09:22,366 --> 01:09:23,767 [ TV dialogue ] 438 01:09:23,899 --> 01:09:26,335 Dude! The mail just came! 439 01:09:26,433 --> 01:09:28,902 Shut up! Did they come? 440 01:09:29,000 --> 01:09:31,268 X-ray glasses! 441 01:09:31,366 --> 01:09:33,367 [ Music plays ] 442 01:09:37,366 --> 01:09:39,367 Oh, yeah. 443 01:09:46,899 --> 01:09:49,168 Wha-- wha-- wha-- whaaaat? 444 01:09:51,500 --> 01:09:55,437 Doooog paaaark! 445 01:10:17,166 --> 01:10:20,369 Doooog paaaark! 446 01:10:26,533 --> 01:10:28,301 Ooooh myyyy! 447 01:10:35,333 --> 01:10:37,068 Uhhh-huuuh!