1 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:05,836 Once you get done with that, quietly get pumped with me. 2 00:00:05,933 --> 00:00:07,200 Sam, in order to do this.... 3 00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:08,801 We have to do this before every show. 4 00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:12,136 Sam and l have to quietly get pumped together. 5 00:00:15,594 --> 00:00:17,962 English Subs : Arkfeller Re-Synchronization : Condemned 6 00:00:24,366 --> 00:00:25,467 Roar! 7 00:00:25,566 --> 00:00:26,833 [ Laughs ] 8 00:00:26,933 --> 00:00:27,967 -l'm good? -Yeah. 9 00:00:28,066 --> 00:00:29,300 -Thanks. -You're welcome. 10 00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:31,835 Apprec. Mucho apprec. 11 00:00:31,933 --> 00:00:34,168 Let's rip through this place. 12 00:00:34,266 --> 00:00:35,734 [ Laughter ] 13 00:00:36,233 --> 00:00:38,868 [ Inaudible ] 14 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,369 -Someone iust crossed the line. -Let's have a good show! 15 00:00:43,466 --> 00:00:45,000 -Party foul. -Who did that? 16 00:00:45,099 --> 00:00:46,935 Now l have to clean up. 17 00:00:47,099 --> 00:00:48,468 We're opening the doors. 18 00:00:49,666 --> 00:00:52,402 lf you're offstage or just offstage about to come on, 19 00:00:52,500 --> 00:00:54,835 don't talk at all. 20 00:00:54,933 --> 00:00:56,501 -Have a good show. -All right. 21 00:00:56,599 --> 00:00:58,168 -Thanks. We will. -lt'll be fun. 22 00:00:58,266 --> 00:00:59,033 l'm excited. 23 00:00:59,133 --> 00:01:01,001 -This is different. Live. -l know. 24 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:02,568 [ Applause ] 25 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,801 [ Cheering ] 26 00:01:09,833 --> 00:01:11,801 Step up. Step up. 27 00:01:16,766 --> 00:01:19,168 -Hi, everybody. -Hi. 28 00:01:19,266 --> 00:01:21,501 -Hi, everybody. -Hi. 29 00:01:21,666 --> 00:01:22,733 My name is Dennis. 30 00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:24,167 And l am Paul. 31 00:01:24,299 --> 00:01:26,802 -And we were both born blind. -Yes. 32 00:01:26,933 --> 00:01:29,302 But at least we have some of our senses. 33 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:31,068 That's right. The sense of humor. 34 00:01:31,166 --> 00:01:32,567 [ Laughter ] 35 00:01:33,066 --> 00:01:34,667 -Look out, Dennis. -What? 36 00:01:34,766 --> 00:01:36,167 -Look out, Dennis. -What is it? 37 00:01:36,266 --> 00:01:37,500 -Uh-oh, Dennis. -No! 38 00:01:37,599 --> 00:01:38,434 Look out. 39 00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:40,401 -ls there something? -Dennis, look out. 40 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,034 -No! What is it? -There's a bee on you. 41 00:01:42,133 --> 00:01:43,033 Oh, God! 42 00:01:43,133 --> 00:01:45,034 -l hear a bee on you. -No! 43 00:01:45,133 --> 00:01:46,067 [ Laughter ] 44 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,501 There's a bee. It's gonna sting you. 45 00:01:47,599 --> 00:01:49,335 -No! -l'm just kidding. 46 00:01:49,433 --> 00:01:50,200 [ Laughter ] 47 00:01:50,299 --> 00:01:53,336 -You always do that. -l always do. l always do. 48 00:01:53,433 --> 00:01:54,200 [ Laughter ] 49 00:01:54,299 --> 00:01:57,002 Well, let's get down to doing what we do best. 50 00:01:57,099 --> 00:01:59,035 -Comedy. -That's right. 51 00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:01,502 Dennis, have you seen the newspaper lately? 52 00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:04,602 Well, l haven't seen it, but l sure as hell felt it. 53 00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:05,801 [ Laughter ] 54 00:02:05,900 --> 00:02:07,534 Touché. Touché. 55 00:02:07,666 --> 00:02:09,501 Well, there's a big story coming out. 56 00:02:09,599 --> 00:02:12,536 lt seems that Hillary Clinton has gotten herself.... 57 00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,334 [ Laughter ] 58 00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:18,634 Paul? 59 00:02:18,799 --> 00:02:19,600 Dennis? 60 00:02:19,733 --> 00:02:20,934 Paul? 61 00:02:21,033 --> 00:02:22,534 Dennis? 62 00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:23,834 Paul, where'd you go? 63 00:02:23,933 --> 00:02:26,368 Dennis, l fell off the stage. 64 00:02:26,566 --> 00:02:27,934 -l'm trying to.... -Get back onstage. 65 00:02:28,033 --> 00:02:29,634 Dennis. Wait. 66 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,434 [ Cheering ] 67 00:02:32,466 --> 00:02:33,900 -Dennis. -Paul, l can't smell you. 68 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,303 l think l'm -- l'm in the audience. 69 00:02:37,433 --> 00:02:40,202 -Well, iust follow my voice. -l'm trying to get back on the stage. 70 00:02:40,299 --> 00:02:42,568 There's speakers. l can't hear your voice. 71 00:02:42,666 --> 00:02:44,834 -lt's everywhere. -Paul. 72 00:02:44,933 --> 00:02:47,302 -Dennis, help me. -Where are you? 73 00:02:47,433 --> 00:02:49,802 l'm iust gonna come and find you, buddy. 74 00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:51,001 [ Laughter ] 75 00:02:51,099 --> 00:02:52,234 -Paul. -Dennis. 76 00:02:52,366 --> 00:02:53,266 l hear you. 77 00:02:53,366 --> 00:02:54,633 -Paul. -Dennis. 78 00:02:54,733 --> 00:02:57,502 -Dennis. -lt smells fucking terrible over here. 79 00:02:57,599 --> 00:02:58,701 [ Laughter ] 80 00:02:58,799 --> 00:03:00,401 -Dennis. -Paul. 81 00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:03,169 -Where are you? -Right here. Dennis! Dennis! 82 00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:05,001 -Thank God. -Oh, my God. 83 00:03:05,166 --> 00:03:07,601 l love you, dude! 84 00:03:38,433 --> 00:03:39,934 This is the behind-the-scenes. 85 00:03:40,033 --> 00:03:42,535 And there's a fart that's been, like, traveling. 86 00:03:42,633 --> 00:03:45,068 -ls there a circling fart? -lt's a traveling fart. 87 00:03:45,166 --> 00:03:46,467 l think it's Sam. 88 00:03:46,566 --> 00:03:48,834 l stood up, and l stood up weird, and l.... 89 00:03:48,933 --> 00:03:50,768 -Did you see that? -Don't do that to your mom. 90 00:03:50,866 --> 00:03:52,167 Holy shit. 91 00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:53,367 Yeah, l flipped off my mom. 92 00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:55,134 -Disrespectful. -Did you do that? 93 00:03:55,233 --> 00:03:57,301 -Yeah, you -- on TV. -That is so naughty. 94 00:03:57,400 --> 00:03:59,368 lt's gonna be on television. 95 00:03:59,466 --> 00:04:01,267 Yes, l'm gonna make sure we edit that in. 96 00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:03,067 Yeah. Trevor's in charge of the material. 97 00:04:03,166 --> 00:04:04,066 Your mother. 98 00:04:04,166 --> 00:04:06,535 You blamed a fart on me. Your own son. 99 00:04:06,633 --> 00:04:08,368 Your own son. 100 00:04:09,066 --> 00:04:09,733 Whoa. 101 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:10,967 [ Applause ] 102 00:04:11,066 --> 00:04:12,066 Whoa. 103 00:04:13,333 --> 00:04:14,100 Whoa. 104 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,001 Stop saying ''whoa.'' 105 00:04:16,166 --> 00:04:17,500 Well, what am l supposed to say? 106 00:04:17,599 --> 00:04:20,336 Well, you could start by saying, ''l'm sorry.'' 107 00:04:21,566 --> 00:04:23,200 Are you blaming me for this? 108 00:04:23,299 --> 00:04:26,636 Well, it is your fault we're stuck in this stupid whirlpool. 109 00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:27,533 [ Laughter ] 110 00:04:27,633 --> 00:04:30,235 Okay. l'm sorry. Does that make it better? 111 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:34,003 Not as sorry as l am that l have such a stupid wife. 112 00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:35,968 Well, l wanted to see the lily pad. 113 00:04:36,066 --> 00:04:38,501 Candice, when l pointed out that there was a lily pad, 114 00:04:38,599 --> 00:04:40,802 didn't l immediately follow that sentence up with, 115 00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:44,303 ''But don't paddle over towards it 'cause there's also a whirlpool''? 116 00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:47,402 Well, l'd never seen a lily pad before! 117 00:04:47,533 --> 00:04:48,700 And then didn't l say, 118 00:04:48,799 --> 00:04:50,902 ''But don't lean over and try to touch the lily pad 119 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,968 because you'll probably tip the boat over''? 120 00:04:53,066 --> 00:04:54,834 Well, l wanted to get a closer look. 121 00:04:54,933 --> 00:04:56,067 Well, l hope you're happy, 122 00:04:56,166 --> 00:04:59,168 'cause now we're stuck in this stupid whirlpool forever. 123 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,934 Well, l'm not happy, 124 00:05:01,033 --> 00:05:04,236 'cause you're always yelling at me and making me feel bad. 125 00:05:04,366 --> 00:05:05,166 Oh! 126 00:05:05,266 --> 00:05:07,368 Oh, poor Candice. 127 00:05:07,466 --> 00:05:10,635 Everybody, gather around. Let's start the show. 128 00:05:10,733 --> 00:05:12,634 Okay, Candice. What's wrong? 129 00:05:12,733 --> 00:05:15,402 Let's hear about how horrible of a husband l am 130 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:17,168 and how bad you have it. 131 00:05:17,766 --> 00:05:19,234 Well, you're always yelling at me 132 00:05:19,333 --> 00:05:21,668 and telling me what to do all the time. 133 00:05:21,799 --> 00:05:24,636 Well, maybe l wouldn't yell at you and tell you what to do all the time 134 00:05:24,733 --> 00:05:26,301 if you weren't constantly going around 135 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:27,667 doing stupid stuff all the time. 136 00:05:27,766 --> 00:05:31,035 Maybe l wouldn't go around doing stupid stuff all the time 137 00:05:31,133 --> 00:05:33,568 if you'd pay attention to me. 138 00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:36,536 Oh! There we are. The root of the matter. 139 00:05:36,633 --> 00:05:39,702 Okay, we're not paying enough attention to Candice. 140 00:05:39,799 --> 00:05:42,302 Okay, Candice, what's wrong? 141 00:05:43,333 --> 00:05:46,602 Well, lately l've been having some second thoughts about the baby. 142 00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:47,634 The baby? 143 00:05:47,733 --> 00:05:49,734 Having a baby was your idea in the first place. 144 00:05:49,833 --> 00:05:52,202 Now that it's due any minute, you're getting cold feet? 145 00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:53,167 [ Laughter ] 146 00:05:53,266 --> 00:05:54,400 Yes, l am. 147 00:05:54,533 --> 00:05:57,168 The world we're bringing it into has changed so much, 148 00:05:57,266 --> 00:05:58,600 and it makes me feel scared. 149 00:05:58,700 --> 00:05:59,634 What are you talking about? 150 00:05:59,733 --> 00:06:02,302 Everything is all wet and moving! 151 00:06:02,433 --> 00:06:03,934 [ Laughter ] 152 00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:08,301 Candice, are you talking about the whirlpool? 153 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,401 Of course l'm talking about the whirlpool. 154 00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:14,136 This has become a maior factor in our lives now, Gordon. 155 00:06:14,233 --> 00:06:16,635 Okay. Let me get this straight. 156 00:06:16,733 --> 00:06:19,769 The reason you didn't listen to me back at the lily pad 157 00:06:19,866 --> 00:06:22,101 was because l don't listen to your feelings. 158 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:25,403 And your feelings were that you're afraid of the whirlpool 159 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:26,868 that we're in right now. 160 00:06:27,799 --> 00:06:29,601 -Yes. -That's it, Candice. 161 00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:30,867 Next time you come by here, 162 00:06:30,966 --> 00:06:32,600 l'm gonna club you to death with this oar. 163 00:06:32,700 --> 00:06:33,500 No, Gordon! 164 00:06:33,599 --> 00:06:35,935 No, l've thought about it Iong and hard, and it's for the best. 165 00:06:36,033 --> 00:06:37,534 Candice, come over here. It's oar time. 166 00:06:37,633 --> 00:06:40,635 No, Gordon. Wait. Wait. l think my water just broke. 167 00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:41,767 How can you tell? 168 00:06:41,866 --> 00:06:42,666 [ Laughter ] 169 00:06:42,766 --> 00:06:44,067 Because there's the baby. 170 00:06:44,233 --> 00:06:46,268 [ Laughter ] 171 00:06:48,633 --> 00:06:50,167 Hey, buddy. 172 00:06:50,266 --> 00:06:51,600 Hi, little guy. 173 00:06:51,766 --> 00:06:55,903 Gordon, he looks confused. Talk to him. 174 00:06:56,599 --> 00:06:58,301 Hey, there, kiddo. 175 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,603 Look, l know you're probably really confused right now. 176 00:07:02,700 --> 00:07:07,571 But l iust wanted to let you know that life is kind of like a whirlpool. 177 00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:10,569 lt's gonna pull you in one direction, then it's gonna pull you in another. 178 00:07:10,666 --> 00:07:12,934 And sometimes you're gonna feel like you're gonna go under. 179 00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:15,735 But iust know that everybody faces their own whirlpools in life. 180 00:07:15,833 --> 00:07:18,235 To some, that whirlpool may be alcohol. 181 00:07:18,333 --> 00:07:20,468 To others, it could be gambling addiction. 182 00:07:20,566 --> 00:07:24,136 But rest assured that when you face your own private whirlpool, 183 00:07:24,233 --> 00:07:26,635 you'll be fine 'cause you were born in the middle of a -- 184 00:07:26,733 --> 00:07:28,000 Die, bitch! Die! 185 00:07:28,099 --> 00:07:28,667 Die! 186 00:07:28,766 --> 00:07:30,501 Sink to the bottom! 187 00:07:30,599 --> 00:07:31,200 Ha ha! 188 00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:33,034 Die nameless! 189 00:07:33,133 --> 00:07:35,068 [ Laughter ] 190 00:07:35,166 --> 00:07:37,001 Son, l have avenged us. 191 00:07:37,099 --> 00:07:38,434 l love you, boy. 192 00:07:38,533 --> 00:07:39,767 l love you, too, Dad. 193 00:07:39,866 --> 00:07:41,200 [ Cheering and applause ] 194 00:07:43,133 --> 00:07:46,102 Try not to hurt anyone, if you could, when.... 195 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:48,302 -l'll make no promises. -Okay. 196 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,267 This is fun. 197 00:07:49,366 --> 00:07:50,700 -Know that line-leader one? -Yeah. 198 00:07:50,799 --> 00:07:53,302 l don't know how we're gonna do it without people getting hurt. 199 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,168 -Just heads up on that. -Yeah. Heads up. 200 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:56,700 That's one that everybody.... 201 00:07:56,799 --> 00:07:58,168 This is when my iob is so much fun. 202 00:07:58,266 --> 00:07:59,367 Josh should be here, right? 203 00:07:59,466 --> 00:08:01,301 We should delete this part of the tape. 204 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,335 ''We had no idea people would get hurt.'' 205 00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:04,433 Lights up for a second? 206 00:08:04,533 --> 00:08:05,834 l need three guys from the audience. 207 00:08:05,933 --> 00:08:07,267 Can we iust get three guys to come up? 208 00:08:07,366 --> 00:08:08,233 We won't fuck with you. 209 00:08:08,333 --> 00:08:10,201 Yeah. One, two, three. There you go. You guys. 210 00:08:10,299 --> 00:08:12,602 Just come up and line up here. 211 00:08:13,333 --> 00:08:16,369 And iust try not to fuck anything up. 212 00:08:16,466 --> 00:08:17,433 [ Laughter ] 213 00:08:17,599 --> 00:08:19,835 Cool. Between them is good. Okay, cool. 214 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:22,669 Do a lights down, lights up, and then we'll start this thing. 215 00:08:25,299 --> 00:08:28,603 Okay, it is 1 2:30, so it is time for recess. 216 00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:32,036 And today is Tuesday, so, Ryan, you are the line leader. 217 00:08:32,166 --> 00:08:34,935 Let's line up and head outside now. 218 00:08:36,799 --> 00:08:38,401 [ Laughter ] 219 00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:40,235 All right, men. 220 00:08:40,333 --> 00:08:41,801 Listen up. 221 00:08:42,533 --> 00:08:45,402 l lead you today not for selfish purpose 222 00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:47,902 or personal gain, 223 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:53,271 but because l've been ordained by a power greater than l. 224 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:57,303 We have been promised a time and a place. 225 00:08:57,433 --> 00:09:01,403 Our time is now, and that place, the quad! 226 00:09:01,533 --> 00:09:02,967 Hey, Ryan is no longer the line leader. 227 00:09:03,066 --> 00:09:04,867 Caleb is the new line leader. Let's head up and -- 228 00:09:04,966 --> 00:09:06,334 And as we step off 229 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:09,836 these cold, cavernous tile floors of academia 230 00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:12,768 and onto the warm grass of recess, 231 00:09:12,866 --> 00:09:16,436 we shall rest well knowing we have proven o'ur worth. 232 00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:17,968 Caleb, troop out to the fore. 233 00:09:18,066 --> 00:09:19,534 Yes, line leader. 234 00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:20,734 What the fuck is this shit? 235 00:09:20,833 --> 00:09:25,037 Caleb, you've proven yourself to be a most worthy companion, 236 00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:28,269 wise beyond your years, reading at an eighth-grade level. 237 00:09:28,366 --> 00:09:30,935 And l ask of you, as we journey onward, 238 00:09:31,066 --> 00:09:32,233 make certain that no student 239 00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:35,235 is to fall to the wayside and be left behind, 240 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,335 and that as we pass through, 241 00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:40,569 every door closed, every light darkened. 242 00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:44,904 Caleb, this is your charge -- the charge of the caboose. 243 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,568 Okay, every second that we spend here, 244 00:09:46,666 --> 00:09:47,733 we don't spend outside. 245 00:09:47,833 --> 00:09:49,100 l want all you kids to know that. 246 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,435 -We go upon my mark, men. -Very good. 247 00:09:51,533 --> 00:09:53,201 -Two, three, four! -Yes. 248 00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:54,934 Marching. 249 00:09:55,033 --> 00:09:57,168 Outside now. Very good. 250 00:09:58,233 --> 00:10:00,535 A little bit faster, please. 251 00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:02,835 A little bit faster, Ryan. 252 00:10:02,966 --> 00:10:04,067 -Line, halt! -Why? 253 00:10:04,166 --> 00:10:05,667 -Caboose to the fore! -Why? 254 00:10:05,766 --> 00:10:06,466 Ryan? 255 00:10:06,566 --> 00:10:09,802 Caleb, what do your elven eyes see? 256 00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,835 Fifth graders. A whole slew of them. 257 00:10:11,933 --> 00:10:13,200 What should we do? 258 00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:15,468 Stand your ground, men! 259 00:10:16,566 --> 00:10:18,601 Halt! Who goes there? 260 00:10:18,766 --> 00:10:21,468 lt is l -- Derek of the Fifth. 261 00:10:21,599 --> 00:10:23,168 What? 262 00:10:23,266 --> 00:10:24,467 Derek of the Fifth. 263 00:10:24,566 --> 00:10:26,801 What brings you to the corridors of mathematics? 264 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,102 l lead my men to the great luncheon hall, 265 00:10:30,233 --> 00:10:31,767 where they have been promised a feast 266 00:10:31,866 --> 00:10:33,968 so that they may sup and be nourished. 267 00:10:34,066 --> 00:10:35,133 [ Laughter ] 268 00:10:35,299 --> 00:10:37,568 And l lead my men to the quad for recess. 269 00:10:37,666 --> 00:10:40,301 l ask of you and your men that you stand down 270 00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:42,034 so that we may pass. 271 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:43,801 l answer not to man 272 00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:46,035 but only to the voice of the one true teacher, 273 00:10:46,133 --> 00:10:47,267 Miss Haggerty. 274 00:10:47,433 --> 00:10:48,734 [ Laughter ] 275 00:10:48,833 --> 00:10:50,534 Then you do not yield? 276 00:10:50,633 --> 00:10:52,301 Nay. 277 00:10:52,466 --> 00:10:55,468 Then we must do battle. 278 00:10:55,566 --> 00:10:57,134 -All right, men! -Ryan? 279 00:10:57,299 --> 00:10:58,467 -Listen up! -On my mark.... 280 00:10:58,566 --> 00:11:01,368 You have entered this line mere children. 281 00:11:01,466 --> 00:11:04,569 But today you shall leave it preteens. 282 00:11:04,700 --> 00:11:08,303 History will turn upon the acts of the brave and the righteous. 283 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,435 We know our course. We know our charge. 284 00:11:10,533 --> 00:11:11,634 And no man shall stand.... 285 00:11:11,733 --> 00:11:15,236 You will fight not as fifth graders, but as sixth or seventh graders. 286 00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:18,302 The one true teacher, Mrs. Logan! 287 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:19,834 -Logan! -No! 288 00:11:19,933 --> 00:11:21,634 You will be suspended if you fight. 289 00:11:21,733 --> 00:11:23,401 -On my mark. -Sharpened pencils. 290 00:11:23,500 --> 00:11:25,268 Wait till you see the whites of their eyes. 291 00:11:25,366 --> 00:11:26,834 -On my mark, unleash heck! -Do not go. 292 00:11:26,933 --> 00:11:28,301 -Do not fight them. -Hold. 293 00:11:28,466 --> 00:11:29,233 No. 294 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:30,868 -Hold. -Hold. 295 00:11:31,033 --> 00:11:31,600 Hold. 296 00:11:31,766 --> 00:11:33,033 Please, no, Ryan. Don't do this. 297 00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:34,334 -Ready! -No! 298 00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:36,468 -Charge! -No! 299 00:11:36,599 --> 00:11:38,335 What? Why? 300 00:11:48,866 --> 00:11:49,967 Oh, my God. 301 00:11:50,566 --> 00:11:53,635 -Fuck! You're proud! -Jesus. 302 00:11:53,733 --> 00:11:56,469 Look at what men do to each other. 303 00:11:56,599 --> 00:11:58,468 And for what, l ask? 304 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,335 l've seen horrors worse than that conjured up 305 00:12:01,466 --> 00:12:05,269 by the mind of R.L. Stine himself. 306 00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:06,433 Why, God? 307 00:12:06,533 --> 00:12:10,169 Why, Mrs. Logan, have you chosen me for such a forsaken task? 308 00:12:10,266 --> 00:12:13,035 Yeah, l didn't choose you, Ryan. Now you're going to the office. 309 00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:17,237 Why have you turned your back on your loyal people? 310 00:12:17,333 --> 00:12:19,768 l have reached recess. 311 00:12:19,866 --> 00:12:22,802 But at what cost? 312 00:12:23,333 --> 00:12:25,034 No! No! Ryan, no! 313 00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:26,400 Oh, my God! 314 00:12:31,833 --> 00:12:34,235 You can iust cut to this whenever you want. Just... 315 00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:35,067 Fall down. 316 00:12:35,166 --> 00:12:37,668 Yeah, iust so everyone knows.... 317 00:12:38,566 --> 00:12:40,267 Do you like me? 318 00:13:07,599 --> 00:13:08,634 Ah! 319 00:13:08,733 --> 00:13:10,301 [ Laughter ] 320 00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:15,734 Ah! 321 00:13:15,833 --> 00:13:17,467 [ Laughter ] 322 00:13:23,566 --> 00:13:25,100 Ah! 323 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:28,369 Get off the stage! You suck! 324 00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:35,667 Ah! 325 00:13:42,799 --> 00:13:43,934 Ah! 326 00:13:44,033 --> 00:13:45,968 Oh, my God! This is terrible! 327 00:13:46,066 --> 00:13:47,834 Shut up! 328 00:13:48,833 --> 00:13:50,434 Shut up! 329 00:13:51,033 --> 00:13:53,835 l sat through this entire open-poetry night 330 00:13:53,933 --> 00:13:55,934 iust like everyone else did. 331 00:13:56,099 --> 00:14:00,304 l deserve the same amount of respect that everyone else got. 332 00:14:02,266 --> 00:14:05,135 l'm trying something here with my dolphin. 333 00:14:05,233 --> 00:14:07,301 [ Laughter ] 334 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,701 You all right, Buddy? You okay? 335 00:14:08,799 --> 00:14:09,700 Oh, shit. 336 00:14:09,799 --> 00:14:11,101 You're good. You're good. 337 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:11,934 [ Laughter ] 338 00:14:12,033 --> 00:14:13,534 Shut up! 339 00:14:14,333 --> 00:14:15,701 Here we go. 340 00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:26,135 [ High pitched wails ] 341 00:14:39,333 --> 00:14:41,168 Oh, my God! Get off the stage! 342 00:14:41,266 --> 00:14:43,267 Stop it! Fuck you! 343 00:14:43,766 --> 00:14:45,000 Come on, Buddy. We're out of here. 344 00:14:45,099 --> 00:14:46,968 Fuck this place. 345 00:14:50,966 --> 00:14:52,701 -Okay. -Hey. 346 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,534 l'm eating a banana. 347 00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:57,134 Timmy's eating. 348 00:14:57,299 --> 00:14:58,634 Fuck you, man. 349 00:14:58,733 --> 00:15:01,168 You know what? Timmy, you're always eating. 350 00:15:01,266 --> 00:15:05,036 Every time l see you, you're eating. 351 00:15:05,133 --> 00:15:06,767 [ Laughs ] 352 00:15:09,599 --> 00:15:11,068 l'm kidding. 353 00:15:11,166 --> 00:15:14,035 l'm gonna kill all of your children. 354 00:15:14,133 --> 00:15:17,169 -What? -What is that, depression? 355 00:15:17,266 --> 00:15:18,734 lt is love for delicious. 356 00:15:18,833 --> 00:15:20,668 lt's love for delicious? 357 00:15:20,766 --> 00:15:22,868 lt's the love of the delicious. 358 00:15:22,966 --> 00:15:25,435 Yeah, okay. That's why you're always eating. 359 00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:27,902 l thought it was depression. 360 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,302 l can't imagine why l'd be depressed. 361 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:33,536 No, l guess l have four reasons. 362 00:15:33,733 --> 00:15:36,135 Five. There's the no girlfriend. 363 00:15:36,233 --> 00:15:37,734 [ Laughter ] 364 00:15:38,666 --> 00:15:40,067 What a fucking asshole. 365 00:15:40,166 --> 00:15:42,034 No, it's six 'cause you count as two. 366 00:15:42,133 --> 00:15:43,567 [ Laughter ] 367 00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:46,001 l really do hate them, though. 368 00:15:46,099 --> 00:15:48,969 Oh, God. Can't even tell you. 369 00:15:49,633 --> 00:15:52,635 Ladies and gentlemen, Sonic the Hedgehog gets mugged. 370 00:15:52,733 --> 00:15:53,233 Enioy. 371 00:15:53,333 --> 00:15:54,534 [ Laughter ] 372 00:15:56,099 --> 00:15:58,268 [ Whistling ] 373 00:16:05,299 --> 00:16:07,769 Baby, l was wondering, would you mind doing me a favor 374 00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:09,634 and picking up the tab for the dinner 375 00:16:09,733 --> 00:16:12,135 because l got the movie and the cab? 376 00:16:12,233 --> 00:16:15,469 l would never ask this, but my check hasn't gone through from work. 377 00:16:15,566 --> 00:16:18,335 -l'm a little freaked out. -No, Zach, it's fine. Whatever. 378 00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,001 Obviously, it's not fine. 379 00:16:20,733 --> 00:16:24,036 Well, if you have to pry, Zach, l mean, you brought me out on a date. 380 00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:25,100 l'm iust saying. 381 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,968 Yeah, but we always go Dutch. 382 00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:28,467 We don't always go Dutch, Zach. 383 00:16:28,566 --> 00:16:29,733 Okay, we don't always go Dutch. 384 00:16:29,833 --> 00:16:31,434 But if one person pays for the date one time, 385 00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:33,468 the next time the other person will pay for the date. 386 00:16:33,566 --> 00:16:34,967 That's, in a sense, going Dutch. 387 00:16:35,066 --> 00:16:37,701 l see. Do you have a running tab on our relationship? 388 00:16:37,799 --> 00:16:38,767 How much do l owe you? 389 00:16:38,866 --> 00:16:40,901 Stop. l wouldn't have brought this up in the first place. 390 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,134 My check hasn't gone through. 391 00:16:42,233 --> 00:16:44,268 Okay, fuck this. l'm gonna put it on my credit card. 392 00:16:44,366 --> 00:16:46,501 No, no, the money's on the table. l don't want to make a scene. 393 00:16:46,599 --> 00:16:50,036 You're making a scene. l'm so embarrassed. 394 00:16:50,133 --> 00:16:52,134 You're making a scene. You are. 395 00:16:52,233 --> 00:16:54,568 Time out. Time out. Time out. 396 00:16:56,066 --> 00:16:57,967 How funny is this sketch? Huh? 397 00:16:58,066 --> 00:16:59,100 [ Laughter ] 398 00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,268 Yeah, this is a funny fucking sketch, right, guys? 399 00:17:01,366 --> 00:17:04,068 But this sketch actually brings up an interesting point 400 00:17:04,166 --> 00:17:05,901 that l want to talk to you all about tonight. 401 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,168 How many people out here in the audience -- 402 00:17:08,266 --> 00:17:10,835 How many of you guys agree with the character Karen, 403 00:17:10,933 --> 00:17:12,234 played by Sam, 404 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,636 that l brought her out on a date, l should pay for the whole date? 405 00:17:15,733 --> 00:17:17,568 Round of applause. How many people agree with that? 406 00:17:17,666 --> 00:17:18,333 Go ahead. 407 00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:19,066 [ Applause ] 408 00:17:19,233 --> 00:17:20,634 Okay. 409 00:17:20,733 --> 00:17:21,400 Good. 410 00:17:21,566 --> 00:17:24,502 How many people in this audience agree with my character 411 00:17:24,599 --> 00:17:27,369 that this is the year 2008.... 412 00:17:28,333 --> 00:17:31,736 Women have come a long way in our society, 413 00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,201 and it shouldn't be a big deal 414 00:17:33,299 --> 00:17:35,702 for a guy and a girl to go out on a date and split the tab? 415 00:17:35,799 --> 00:17:37,134 How many people think that's okay? 416 00:17:37,233 --> 00:17:38,267 [ Greater applause ] 417 00:17:38,366 --> 00:17:39,667 Oh, my God. 418 00:17:39,766 --> 00:17:40,967 Wow. 419 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,534 Would you know it? More people. 420 00:17:43,633 --> 00:17:45,201 More people agree with my character. 421 00:17:45,299 --> 00:17:48,970 That's really interesting. So l guess l'm not totally crazy. 422 00:17:49,066 --> 00:17:50,801 Right, Katherine? 423 00:17:51,466 --> 00:17:53,067 That's weird. 424 00:17:54,599 --> 00:17:55,901 Uhh.... 425 00:17:57,533 --> 00:18:00,235 What was...? What the fuck, dude? 426 00:18:01,133 --> 00:18:02,234 l -- What did you...? 427 00:18:02,333 --> 00:18:04,435 l don't feel comfortable continuing the sketch. 428 00:18:04,533 --> 00:18:06,501 Sam, l don't really give a fuck what you think. 429 00:18:06,599 --> 00:18:09,135 And l'd like to continue the sketch. 430 00:18:09,233 --> 00:18:12,202 And l'd like you to start playing the character like l said to do it. 431 00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:13,901 l'm definitely not doing it that way. 432 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,534 Do it like l said to do it in rehearsal. 433 00:18:15,633 --> 00:18:16,533 -No. -Do it right. 434 00:18:16,633 --> 00:18:19,202 Do it fucking right, like l said in rehearsal. 435 00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:20,768 -Do it right. Action! -No! 436 00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:23,268 -Ow! -Scene i n. Go. Action. 437 00:18:23,366 --> 00:18:24,433 [ Singing ] 438 00:18:24,533 --> 00:18:25,667 Yes. Yeah. 439 00:18:25,766 --> 00:18:28,702 And another thing, Katherine -- Karen. Sorry. 440 00:18:28,799 --> 00:18:32,336 l'm sick to death of wearing condoms because they fucking suck. 441 00:18:32,433 --> 00:18:34,968 We're too young to have babies, Zach. 442 00:18:35,066 --> 00:18:37,868 Well, we're not gonna have babies, because you're on the pill. 443 00:18:37,966 --> 00:18:40,001 Peace of mind, Zachary. Peace of mind. 444 00:18:40,099 --> 00:18:42,602 No. There's no -- Peace of mind. We've both been tested. 445 00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:45,636 l'm clean. You're clean. That's our fucking peace of mind. 446 00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:47,634 l'm scared! Waaa! 447 00:18:47,733 --> 00:18:49,301 You don't need to be scared, 448 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,401 because you pay your doctor a monthly premium. 449 00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:52,734 Time out. 450 00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:55,602 How many people agree with me that condoms fucking suck? 451 00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:57,034 Round of applause, please. 452 00:18:57,133 --> 00:18:58,000 [ Applause ] 453 00:18:58,099 --> 00:18:59,634 -Thank you. -l'm sorry. 454 00:18:59,733 --> 00:19:01,868 -l'm sorry l have to do this like this. -l didn't write this. 455 00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:04,068 l know it's weird. No shit, you didn't write this. 456 00:19:04,166 --> 00:19:06,167 You don't write shit. Shut the fuck up. 457 00:19:06,266 --> 00:19:07,000 Yeah. 458 00:19:07,099 --> 00:19:09,902 Why don't you start playing the character like l said to play it? 459 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,368 -No, l'm not -- -Play it right. 460 00:19:11,466 --> 00:19:14,068 -Shut up and do it right! -l'm not gonna do it that way! 461 00:19:14,166 --> 00:19:15,967 -Do it like l said to do it. -l'm not gonna.... 462 00:19:16,066 --> 00:19:17,700 -Do it like l said to do it! -Ow! Ow! Ow! 463 00:19:17,799 --> 00:19:18,767 Play the role right. 464 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,801 -Play it like we did in rehearsal. -Fine! Fine! 465 00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:22,434 Go. Action. Scene in. 466 00:19:22,533 --> 00:19:23,634 Yes. 467 00:19:23,733 --> 00:19:24,900 Yes. 468 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,868 Katherine, please stop eating so much food. 469 00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,300 l can't stop eating! 470 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:29,567 Please fucking -- 471 00:19:29,666 --> 00:19:31,768 Please try and stop eating so much food. 472 00:19:31,933 --> 00:19:34,769 Oh, uh-oh! l think l shat myself. 473 00:19:34,866 --> 00:19:35,433 Yeah. 474 00:19:35,533 --> 00:19:36,901 l'm not surprised, 475 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,802 because our apartment smells like shit all the time. 476 00:19:39,900 --> 00:19:42,369 l don't know how to read. 477 00:19:42,466 --> 00:19:45,101 You don't know how to read because you have dyslexia. 478 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,834 And that is annoying to me! 479 00:19:46,933 --> 00:19:48,834 l am trying to ruin your life. 480 00:19:48,933 --> 00:19:50,401 You are -- Get the fuck off the stage. 481 00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:51,601 -Thank you. -Fuck you. 482 00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,134 [ Laughter ] 483 00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:56,603 [ Applause and cheering ] 484 00:19:59,066 --> 00:20:00,400 Today we've been doing a lot of interviews. 485 00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:04,603 We went to Sirius Radio, and Sam said something stupid. 486 00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:06,101 And then we went to MTV. 487 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:08,535 And Sam wasn't there, so that was a great interview. 488 00:20:08,633 --> 00:20:13,437 We did a bunch of interviews at IFC. 489 00:20:13,533 --> 00:20:15,501 And l wasn't sitting in on the ones that Sam did, 490 00:20:15,599 --> 00:20:17,301 but l bet mine are smarter. 491 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,034 Umm.... 492 00:20:19,733 --> 00:20:22,702 See? Look. All he does is, like, make blowfish faces 493 00:20:22,799 --> 00:20:25,302 rather than come up with an actual retort. 494 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,335 We really only keep him around for protection 495 00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:29,001 'cause he's the biggest one in the group. 496 00:20:29,099 --> 00:20:31,902 That's really the main reason that he's here. 497 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:33,568 [ Laughs ] 498 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:36,601 Oh, you're making fun of me being fat. 499 00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:37,901 Oh, right. 500 00:20:38,066 --> 00:20:41,035 What kind of dinosaur will l get to be when l wear the head? 501 00:20:41,133 --> 00:20:42,334 A fat one. 502 00:20:42,433 --> 00:20:44,835 [ Laughter ] 503 00:20:44,933 --> 00:20:48,269 Well, it's cool that you iust caught my quitting the troupe on tape, right? 504 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,769 Now my neighbors on the phone And says she called the cops 505 00:20:52,933 --> 00:20:55,568 And this really freaked out The triceratops 506 00:20:55,666 --> 00:20:58,502 He's trying to climb out the window And we're yelling stop 507 00:20:58,599 --> 00:21:01,469 'Cause l'm on the fifth floor And it's a heck of a drop 508 00:21:01,633 --> 00:21:04,369 l'll smoke a joint tonight l'll smoke a joint tonight 509 00:21:04,466 --> 00:21:07,468 Me and all these dinosaurs Are rolling bones tonight 510 00:21:07,633 --> 00:21:10,369 We rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight 511 00:21:10,466 --> 00:21:13,335 Me and all these dinosaurs Is getting stoned tonight 512 00:21:13,433 --> 00:21:16,202 l'll smoke a spliff tonight l'll smoke a spliff tonight 513 00:21:16,666 --> 00:21:19,168 Me and these dinosaurs Is getting frigging ripped tonight 514 00:21:19,299 --> 00:21:22,236 We getting faced tonight We getting faced tonight 515 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,536 And all these dinosaurs Is crashing at my place tonight 516 00:21:25,799 --> 00:21:26,800 Yeah! 517 00:21:28,133 --> 00:21:29,000 First rap song 518 00:21:29,099 --> 00:21:31,001 about getting high with dinosaurs.