Once you get done with that, quietly get pumped with me.
Sam, in order to do this....
We have to do this before every show.
Sam and l have to quietly get pumped together.
English Subs : Arkfeller Re-Synchronization : Condemned
Roar!
[ Laughs ]
-l'm good? -Yeah.
-Thanks. -You're welcome.
Apprec. Mucho apprec.
Let's rip through this place.
[ Laughter ]
[ Inaudible ]
-Someone iust crossed the line. -Let's have a good show!
-Party foul. -Who did that?
Now l have to clean up.
We're opening the doors.
lf you're offstage or just offstage about to come on,
don't talk at all.
-Have a good show. -All right.
-Thanks. We will. -lt'll be fun.
l'm excited.
-This is different. Live. -l know.
[ Applause ]
[ Cheering ]
Step up. Step up.
-Hi, everybody. -Hi.
My name is Dennis.
And l am Paul.
-And we were both born blind. -Yes.
But at least we have some of our senses.
That's right. The sense of humor.
[ Laughter ]
-Look out, Dennis. -What?
-Look out, Dennis. -What is it?
-Uh-oh, Dennis. -No!
Look out.
-ls there something? -Dennis, look out.
-No! What is it? -There's a bee on you.
Oh, God!
-l hear a bee on you. -No!
[ Laughter ]
There's a bee. It's gonna sting you.
-No! -l'm just kidding.
[ Laughter ]
-You always do that. -l always do. l always do.
[ Laughter ]
Well, let's get down to doing what we do best.
-Comedy. -That's right.
Dennis, have you seen the newspaper lately?
Well, l haven't seen it, but l sure as hell felt it.
[ Laughter ]
Touché. Touché.
Well, there's a big story coming out.
lt seems that Hillary Clinton has gotten herself....
[ Laughter ]
Paul?
Dennis?
Paul?
Dennis?
Paul, where'd you go?
Dennis, l fell off the stage.
-l'm trying to.... -Get back onstage.
Dennis. Wait.
[ Cheering ]
-Dennis. -Paul, l can't smell you.
l think l'm -- l'm in the audience.
-Well, iust follow my voice. -l'm trying to get back on the stage.
There's speakers. l can't hear your voice.
-lt's everywhere. -Paul.
-Dennis, help me. -Where are you?
l'm iust gonna come and find you, buddy.
[ Laughter ]
-Paul. -Dennis.
l hear you.
-Paul. -Dennis.
-lt smells fucking terrible over here.
[ Laughter ]
-Dennis. -Paul.
-Where are you? -Right here. Dennis! Dennis!
-Thank God. -Oh, my God.
l love you, dude!
This is the behind-the-scenes.
And there's a fart that's been, like, traveling.
-ls there a circling fart? -lt's a traveling fart.
l think it's Sam.
l stood up, and l stood up weird, and l....
-Did you see that? -Don't do that to your mom.
Holy shit.
Yeah, l flipped off my mom.
-Disrespectful. -Did you do that?
-Yeah, you -- on TV. -That is so naughty.
lt's gonna be on television.
Yes, l'm gonna make sure we edit that in.
Yeah. Trevor's in charge of the material.
Your mother.
You blamed a fart on me. Your own son.
Whoa.
[ Applause ]
Whoa.
Stop saying ''whoa.''
Well, what am l supposed to say?
Well, you could start by saying, ''l'm sorry.''
Are you blaming me for this?
Well, it is your fault we're stuck in this stupid whirlpool.
[ Laughter ]
Okay. l'm sorry. Does that make it better?
Not as sorry as l am that l have such a stupid wife.
Well, l wanted to see the lily pad.
Candice, when l pointed out that there was a lily pad,
didn't l immediately follow that sentence up with,
''But don't paddle over towards it 'cause there's also a whirlpool''?
Well, l'd never seen a lily pad before!
And then didn't l say,
''But don't lean over and try to touch the lily pad
because you'll probably tip the boat over''?
Well, l wanted to get a closer look.
Well, l hope you're happy,
'cause now we're stuck in this stupid whirlpool forever.
Well, l'm not happy,
'cause you're always yelling at me and making me feel bad.
Oh!
Oh, poor Candice.
Everybody, gather around. Let's start the show.
Okay, Candice. What's wrong?
Let's hear about how horrible of a husband l am
and how bad you have it.
Well, you're always yelling at me
and telling me what to do all the time.
Well, maybe l wouldn't yell at you and tell you what to do all the time
if you weren't constantly going around
doing stupid stuff all the time.
Maybe l wouldn't go around doing stupid stuff all the time
if you'd pay attention to me.
Oh! There we are. The root of the matter.
Okay, we're not paying enough attention to Candice.
Okay, Candice, what's wrong?
Well, lately l've been having some second thoughts about the baby.
The baby?
Having a baby was your idea in the first place.
Now that it's due any minute, you're getting cold feet?
[ Laughter ]
Yes, l am.
The world we're bringing it into has changed so much,
and it makes me feel scared.
What are you talking about?
Everything is all wet and moving!
[ Laughter ]
Candice, are you talking about the whirlpool?
Of course l'm talking about the whirlpool.
This has become a maior factor in our lives now, Gordon.
Okay. Let me get this straight.
The reason you didn't listen to me back at the lily pad
was because l don't listen to your feelings.
And your feelings were that you're afraid of the whirlpool
that we're in right now.
-Yes. -That's it, Candice.
Next time you come by here,
l'm gonna club you to death with this oar.
No, Gordon!
No, l've thought about it Iong and hard, and it's for the best.
Candice, come over here. It's oar time.
No, Gordon. Wait. Wait. l think my water just broke.
How can you tell?
[ Laughter ]
Because there's the baby.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, buddy.
Hi, little guy.
Gordon, he looks confused. Talk to him.
Hey, there, kiddo.
Look, l know you're probably really confused right now.
But l iust wanted to let you know that life is kind of like a whirlpool.
lt's gonna pull you in one direction, then it's gonna pull you in another.
And sometimes you're gonna feel like you're gonna go under.
But iust know that everybody faces their own whirlpools in life.
To some, that whirlpool may be alcohol.
To others, it could be gambling addiction.
But rest assured that when you face your own private whirlpool,
you'll be fine 'cause you were born in the middle of a --
Die, bitch! Die!
Die!
Sink to the bottom!
Ha ha!
Die nameless!
[ Laughter ]
Son, l have avenged us.
l love you, boy.
l love you, too, Dad.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Try not to hurt anyone, if you could, when....
-l'll make no promises. -Okay.
This is fun.
-Know that line-leader one? -Yeah.
l don't know how we're gonna do it without people getting hurt.
-Just heads up on that. -Yeah. Heads up.
That's one that everybody....
This is when my iob is so much fun.
Josh should be here, right?
We should delete this part of the tape.
''We had no idea people would get hurt.''
Lights up for a second?
l need three guys from the audience.
Can we iust get three guys to come up?
We won't fuck with you.
Yeah. One, two, three. There you go. You guys.
Just come up and line up here.
And iust try not to fuck anything up.
[ Laughter ]
Cool. Between them is good. Okay, cool.
Do a lights down, lights up, and then we'll start this thing.
Okay, it is 1 2:30, so it is time for recess.
And today is Tuesday, so, Ryan, you are the line leader.
Let's line up and head outside now.
[ Laughter ]
All right, men.
Listen up.
l lead you today not for selfish purpose
or personal gain,
but because l've been ordained by a power greater than l.
We have been promised a time and a place.
Our time is now, and that place, the quad!
Hey, Ryan is no longer the line leader.
Caleb is the new line leader. Let's head up and --
And as we step off
these cold, cavernous tile floors of academia
and onto the warm grass of recess,
we shall rest well knowing we have proven o'ur worth.
Caleb, troop out to the fore.
Yes, line leader.
What the fuck is this shit?
Caleb, you've proven yourself to be a most worthy companion,
wise beyond your years, reading at an eighth-grade level.
And l ask of you, as we journey onward,
make certain that no student
is to fall to the wayside and be left behind,
and that as we pass through,
every door closed, every light darkened.
Caleb, this is your charge -- the charge of the caboose.
Okay, every second that we spend here,
we don't spend outside.
l want all you kids to know that.
-We go upon my mark, men. -Very good.
-Two, three, four! -Yes.
Marching.
Outside now. Very good.
A little bit faster, please.
A little bit faster, Ryan.
-Line, halt! -Why?
-Caboose to the fore! -Why?
Ryan?
Caleb, what do your elven eyes see?
Fifth graders. A whole slew of them.
What should we do?
Stand your ground, men!
Halt! Who goes there?
lt is l -- Derek of the Fifth.
What?
Derek of the Fifth.
What brings you to the corridors of mathematics?
l lead my men to the great luncheon hall,
where they have been promised a feast
so that they may sup and be nourished.
[ Laughter ]
And l lead my men to the quad for recess.
l ask of you and your men that you stand down
so that we may pass.
l answer not to man
but only to the voice of the one true teacher,
Miss Haggerty.
[ Laughter ]
Then you do not yield?
Nay.
Then we must do battle.
-All right, men! -Ryan?
-Listen up! -On my mark....
You have entered this line mere children.
But today you shall leave it preteens.
History will turn upon the acts of the brave and the righteous.
We know our course. We know our charge.
And no man shall stand....
You will fight not as fifth graders, but as sixth or seventh graders.
The one true teacher, Mrs. Logan!
-Logan! -No!
You will be suspended if you fight.
-On my mark. -Sharpened pencils.
Wait till you see the whites of their eyes.
-On my mark, unleash heck! -Do not go.
-Do not fight them. -Hold.
No.
-Hold. -Hold.
Hold.
Please, no, Ryan. Don't do this.
-Ready! -No!
-Charge! -No!
What? Why?
Oh, my God.
-Fuck! You're proud! -Jesus.
Look at what men do to each other.
And for what, l ask?
l've seen horrors worse than that conjured up
by the mind of R.L. Stine himself.
Why, God?
Why, Mrs. Logan, have you chosen me for such a forsaken task?
Yeah, l didn't choose you, Ryan. Now you're going to the office.
Why have you turned your back on your loyal people?
l have reached recess.
But at what cost?
No! No! Ryan, no!
Oh, my God!
You can iust cut to this whenever you want. Just...
Fall down.
Yeah, iust so everyone knows....
Do you like me?
Ah!
[ Laughter ]
Ah!
[ Laughter ]
Ah!
Get off the stage! You suck!
Ah!
Oh, my God! This is terrible!
Shut up!
l sat through this entire open-poetry night
iust like everyone else did.
l deserve the same amount of respect that everyone else got.
l'm trying something here with my dolphin.
[ Laughter ]
You all right, Buddy? You okay?
Oh, shit.
You're good. You're good.
[ Laughter ]
Shut up!
Here we go.
[ High pitched wails ]
Oh, my God! Get off the stage!
Stop it! Fuck you!
Come on, Buddy. We're out of here.
Fuck this place.
-Okay. -Hey.
l'm eating a banana.
Timmy's eating.
Fuck you, man.
You know what? Timmy, you're always eating.
Every time l see you, you're eating.
[ Laughs ]
l'm kidding.
l'm gonna kill all of your children.
-What? -What is that, depression?
lt is love for delicious.
lt's love for delicious?
lt's the love of the delicious.
Yeah, okay. That's why you're always eating.
l thought it was depression.
l can't imagine why l'd be depressed.
No, l guess l have four reasons.
Five. There's the no girlfriend.
[ Laughter ]
What a fucking asshole.
No, it's six 'cause you count as two.
[ Laughter ]
l really do hate them, though.
Oh, God. Can't even tell you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Sonic the Hedgehog gets mugged.
Enioy.
[ Laughter ]
[ Whistling ]
Baby, l was wondering, would you mind doing me a favor
and picking up the tab for the dinner
because l got the movie and the cab?
l would never ask this, but my check hasn't gone through from work.
-l'm a little freaked out. -No, Zach, it's fine. Whatever.
Obviously, it's not fine.
Well, if you have to pry, Zach, l mean, you brought me out on a date.
l'm iust saying.
Yeah, but we always go Dutch.
We don't always go Dutch, Zach.
Okay, we don't always go Dutch.
But if one person pays for the date one time,
the next time the other person will pay for the date.
That's, in a sense, going Dutch.
l see. Do you have a running tab on our relationship?
How much do l owe you?
Stop. l wouldn't have brought this up in the first place.
My check hasn't gone through.
Okay, fuck this. l'm gonna put it on my credit card.
No, no, the money's on the table. l don't want to make a scene.
You're making a scene. l'm so embarrassed.
You're making a scene. You are.
Time out. Time out. Time out.
How funny is this sketch? Huh?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, this is a funny fucking sketch, right, guys?
But this sketch actually brings up an interesting point
that l want to talk to you all about tonight.
How many people out here in the audience --
How many of you guys agree with the character Karen,
played by Sam,
that l brought her out on a date, l should pay for the whole date?
Round of applause. How many people agree with that?
Go ahead.
[ Applause ]
Okay.
Good.
How many people in this audience agree with my character
that this is the year 2008....
Women have come a long way in our society,
and it shouldn't be a big deal
for a guy and a girl to go out on a date and split the tab?
How many people think that's okay?
[ Greater applause ]
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Would you know it? More people.
More people agree with my character.
That's really interesting. So l guess l'm not totally crazy.
Right, Katherine?
That's weird.
Uhh....
What was...? What the fuck, dude?
l -- What did you...?
l don't feel comfortable continuing the sketch.
Sam, l don't really give a fuck what you think.
And l'd like to continue the sketch.
And l'd like you to start playing the character like l said to do it.
l'm definitely not doing it that way.
Do it like l said to do it in rehearsal.
-No. -Do it right.
Do it fucking right, like l said in rehearsal.
-Do it right. Action! -No!
-Ow! -Scene i n. Go. Action.
[ Singing ]
Yes. Yeah.
And another thing, Katherine -- Karen. Sorry.
l'm sick to death of wearing condoms because they fucking suck.
We're too young to have babies, Zach.
Well, we're not gonna have babies, because you're on the pill.
Peace of mind, Zachary. Peace of mind.
No. There's no -- Peace of mind. We've both been tested.
l'm clean. You're clean. That's our fucking peace of mind.
l'm scared! Waaa!
You don't need to be scared,
because you pay your doctor a monthly premium.
Time out.
How many people agree with me that condoms fucking suck?
Round of applause, please.
[ Applause ]
-Thank you. -l'm sorry.
-l'm sorry l have to do this like this. -l didn't write this.
l know it's weird. No shit, you didn't write this.
You don't write shit. Shut the fuck up.
Yeah.
Why don't you start playing the character like l said to play it?
-No, l'm not -- -Play it right.
-Shut up and do it right! -l'm not gonna do it that way!
-Do it like l said to do it. -l'm not gonna....
-Do it like l said to do it! -Ow! Ow! Ow!
Play the role right.
-Play it like we did in rehearsal. -Fine! Fine!
Go. Action. Scene in.
Yes.
Katherine, please stop eating so much food.
l can't stop eating!
Please fucking --
Please try and stop eating so much food.
Oh, uh-oh! l think l shat myself.
Yeah.
l'm not surprised,
because our apartment smells like shit all the time.
l don't know how to read.
You don't know how to read because you have dyslexia.
And that is annoying to me!
l am trying to ruin your life.
You are -- Get the fuck off the stage.
-Thank you. -Fuck you.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause and cheering ]
Today we've been doing a lot of interviews.
We went to Sirius Radio, and Sam said something stupid.
And then we went to MTV.
And Sam wasn't there, so that was a great interview.
We did a bunch of interviews at IFC.
And l wasn't sitting in on the ones that Sam did,
but l bet mine are smarter.
Umm....
See? Look. All he does is, like, make blowfish faces
rather than come up with an actual retort.
We really only keep him around for protection
'cause he's the biggest one in the group.
That's really the main reason that he's here.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, you're making fun of me being fat.
Oh, right.
What kind of dinosaur will l get to be when l wear the head?
A fat one.
[ Laughter ]
Well, it's cool that you iust caught my quitting the troupe on tape, right?
Now my neighbors on the phone And says she called the cops
And this really freaked out The triceratops
He's trying to climb out the window And we're yelling stop
'Cause l'm on the fifth floor And it's a heck of a drop
l'll smoke a joint tonight l'll smoke a joint tonight
Me and all these dinosaurs Are rolling bones tonight
We rolling bones tonight We rolling bones tonight
Me and all these dinosaurs Is getting stoned tonight
l'll smoke a spliff tonight l'll smoke a spliff tonight
Me and these dinosaurs Is getting frigging ripped tonight
We getting faced tonight We getting faced tonight
And all these dinosaurs Is crashing at my place tonight
Yeah!
First rap song
about getting high with dinosaurs.