1
00:00:01,116 --> 00:00:03,328
What were you even doing
in that crawl space, Charlie?
2
00:00:03,441 --> 00:00:05,882
Well, for starters,
I was minding my own business.
3
00:00:05,995 --> 00:00:07,682
I was also trying to do a little
light reading,
4
00:00:07,795 --> 00:00:09,340
and then I was putting some
cheese in the rat traps.
5
00:00:09,453 --> 00:00:10,650
You were putting
the cheese in the rat traps?
6
00:00:10,763 --> 00:00:11,906
- Can I smell your mouth?
- Why?
7
00:00:12,019 --> 00:00:13,463
You were eating the cheese,
weren't you,outof the rat traps?
8
00:00:13,576 --> 00:00:16,263
No! Well, yes. I mean, I
was eating the old cheese
9
00:00:16,376 --> 00:00:17,912
to test it, see why
the rats weren't eating it.
10
00:00:18,025 --> 00:00:19,703
Why are you always doing such
weird things, Charlie?
11
00:00:19,816 --> 00:00:22,548
I do weird things? Name another
thing that you think is weird.
12
00:00:22,661 --> 00:00:25,634
I caught you stealing a bunch of coins
out of the fountain at Logan Circle.
13
00:00:25,747 --> 00:00:29,043
I was acquiring a little bit
of cash to pay my spy, Dee.
14
00:00:29,156 --> 00:00:31,347
- Why do you have a spy?
- To spy the waitress.
15
00:00:31,460 --> 00:00:33,693
- Of course I have a spy.
- Is that normal to you?
16
00:00:33,806 --> 00:00:35,345
Shut up and give me
my book back, please.
17
00:00:35,458 --> 00:00:37,187
Hey, guys, what book
you keep going on and on about?
18
00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:38,537
It's nothing.
You don't need to see it.
19
00:00:38,650 --> 00:00:40,531
My God! Whoa!
20
00:00:40,995 --> 00:00:43,727
These are my... these are my memoirs.
Charlie, you found my book!
21
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:47,221
I wrote a memoirs. Hey, guys,
Charlie found my memoirs!
22
00:00:47,334 --> 00:00:48,346
Your memoirs?
23
00:00:48,459 --> 00:00:50,323
I've been keeping track
of all my sexual exploits,
24
00:00:50,436 --> 00:00:54,427
and I was going to unleash them on the
world in a fiery blaze of eroticism.
25
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,541
Slow down a second, Dennis.
26
00:00:56,654 --> 00:00:59,752
- You wrote a book?
- It's more of a tale of redemption
27
00:00:59,865 --> 00:01:03,255
- told through my erotic travels.
- Giddyup, man! That's amazing.
28
00:01:03,368 --> 00:01:04,598
That's good stuff, right? Yeah.
29
00:01:04,711 --> 00:01:06,994
But then, one day, the book just
sort of went mysteriously missing.
30
00:01:07,107 --> 00:01:08,397
Charlie, what the hell
were you doing with it?
31
00:01:08,510 --> 00:01:11,908
Well, since he can't read, I'm guessing
he was masturbating to your pictures.
32
00:01:12,021 --> 00:01:13,891
- Goddamn! Jacking off to my...
- No, no!
33
00:01:14,004 --> 00:01:16,208
That's... Not at all! You
know, what are you doing to me?
34
00:01:16,321 --> 00:01:18,376
Why are you doing this?
You've been riding me.
35
00:01:18,489 --> 00:01:20,592
Now you're accusing me of things.
You just don't get it.
36
00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,522
You don't know why I
do the things that I do.
37
00:01:22,635 --> 00:01:24,754
It's nuts! You don't know
how hard I got it, Dee.
38
00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:26,618
You've got it pretty tough?
Your life is pretty hard?
39
00:01:26,731 --> 00:01:28,713
How would you like to walk a
mile in my shoes, huh?
40
00:01:28,826 --> 00:01:30,479
Try your old buddy Charlie on for size.
41
00:01:30,592 --> 00:01:31,832
You want me to walk a mile in your shoes
42
00:01:31,945 --> 00:01:33,743
'cause I can't handle
your big, tough life? I will.
43
00:01:33,856 --> 00:01:35,123
That sounds fine to me.
I will do that.
44
00:01:35,236 --> 00:01:36,815
Oh, my God! Shut up!
45
00:01:36,928 --> 00:01:38,745
Dennis, what's the name of this book?
46
00:01:39,835 --> 00:01:43,454
Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life.
47
00:01:44,692 --> 00:01:50,221
Synchro : Criztian
Guest : Sososeries
48
00:02:16,068 --> 00:02:18,664
"I removed my robe and
stood before her...
49
00:02:18,964 --> 00:02:22,409
taut, nubile, proud.
50
00:02:22,827 --> 00:02:26,279
"She was much, much older than
me, but her breasts
51
00:02:26,643 --> 00:02:28,260
were awesome.
52
00:02:28,602 --> 00:02:33,376
"I felt reborn, baptized in
erotic majesty."
53
00:02:35,601 --> 00:02:38,454
- Yeah!
- This is some sweet smut!
54
00:02:38,654 --> 00:02:40,388
- I'm all boned up over here.
- Me, too!
55
00:02:40,501 --> 00:02:41,966
Dennis, we should try
and sell this book.
56
00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:43,489
Personal memoirs are huge right now.
57
00:02:43,602 --> 00:02:45,374
Yeah, yeah. No. I'm going
to sell the book, okay,
58
00:02:45,487 --> 00:02:46,825
but I'm not going to let
you guys be involved
59
00:02:46,938 --> 00:02:49,588
because, every time you're involved,
you get all excited about something,
60
00:02:49,701 --> 00:02:51,819
and then you give up the minute
we hit the first speed bump.
61
00:02:51,932 --> 00:02:54,140
You need us, Dennis.
You're going to need some legal help.
62
00:02:54,359 --> 00:02:56,524
Legal help? What the hell
you talking about, man?
63
00:02:56,637 --> 00:02:59,273
Bro, half the stories you
just read us are total bullshit.
64
00:02:59,386 --> 00:03:00,710
They're not bullshit.
What are you saying?
65
00:03:00,823 --> 00:03:04,516
Dennis, you were never the personal
sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi!
66
00:03:04,629 --> 00:03:07,759
And you never woke up in a rehab
facility with the wounds of Christ
67
00:03:07,872 --> 00:03:10,331
miraculously appearing on
your hands and feet!
68
00:03:10,444 --> 00:03:12,265
Yeah, man, but I did... I
banged that girl in the fountain.
69
00:03:12,378 --> 00:03:14,412
That story was true... the hot
dog, the oatmeal, everything.
70
00:03:14,525 --> 00:03:17,225
Dude, you don't want to end up like
that Million Little Pieces guy, okay?
71
00:03:17,338 --> 00:03:19,280
Oprah made him look like a total dick.
72
00:03:19,393 --> 00:03:21,297
That guy was a turd.
I mean, come on.
73
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:23,600
Just take some of those stories out.
74
00:03:23,713 --> 00:03:25,686
You can't take those
stories out. That's the rub!
75
00:03:25,799 --> 00:03:27,260
That's why he needs us.
76
00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:31,135
Because the public loves those crazy
celebrity stories and rehab shit.
77
00:03:31,248 --> 00:03:32,413
Okay, well, so what are you thinking?
78
00:03:32,526 --> 00:03:35,249
I'm thinking we take some of
the really good stories,
79
00:03:35,362 --> 00:03:38,280
you know... the Jon Bon Jovi, the
Christ wound stigmatas...
80
00:03:38,393 --> 00:03:39,714
and we recreate them.
81
00:03:39,827 --> 00:03:42,496
We make them true so that people
can't prove that they didn't happen!
82
00:03:42,609 --> 00:03:45,011
My God! Recreate some of
the better stories in here,
83
00:03:45,124 --> 00:03:46,372
- and then we have proof!
- Yes!
84
00:03:46,485 --> 00:03:47,728
Holy shit, man!
That's a good idea.
85
00:03:47,841 --> 00:03:51,834
Now, first things first. We got to
figure out how to get you into rehab.
86
00:03:54,205 --> 00:03:56,321
Charlie, do I really have to
sleep here?
87
00:03:56,434 --> 00:03:58,153
Dee, if you're going to walk
a mile in my shoes,
88
00:03:58,266 --> 00:04:00,420
this is a pretty big part of
that mile, don't you think?
89
00:04:00,613 --> 00:04:01,856
- Here. Put these on.
- No.
90
00:04:01,969 --> 00:04:04,329
I don't want to wear one of
your dirty sleeping outfits.
91
00:04:04,442 --> 00:04:06,568
I'm sorry, Dee, but my
"outfits," as you like to call them,
92
00:04:06,681 --> 00:04:08,059
serve a very specific
purpose, all right?
93
00:04:08,172 --> 00:04:09,591
This isn't just for fun.
94
00:04:09,704 --> 00:04:11,407
I don't have any heating ducts
in this apartment.
95
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,164
It gets freezing in here at
night, all right?
96
00:04:13,277 --> 00:04:16,124
Now, in case you have to pee-pee,
I got this for you, all right?
97
00:04:16,455 --> 00:04:18,611
- Oh, my God!
- Goddamn it!
98
00:04:18,724 --> 00:04:19,977
Frank was supposed to empty that.
99
00:04:20,090 --> 00:04:21,565
Totally, no wonder!
It reeks in here!
100
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:23,423
You have open cans of pee
everywhere!
101
00:04:23,536 --> 00:04:26,505
Well, I'm sorry, but you do
not want to use that bathroom!
102
00:04:26,618 --> 00:04:27,875
Now, eat one of these, all right?
103
00:04:27,988 --> 00:04:30,260
You're going to want to huff
a little glue and drink some beer.
104
00:04:31,202 --> 00:04:33,584
- This is cat food, Charlie.
- Dee, I can explain it, all right?
105
00:04:33,697 --> 00:04:35,841
There's some sort of weird
chemical reaction that happens
106
00:04:35,954 --> 00:04:37,660
when you combine cat food,
beer and glue.
107
00:04:37,773 --> 00:04:39,765
It makes you feel, like,
extremely sick and tired.
108
00:04:39,878 --> 00:04:41,757
- You're able to fall asleep.
- Why would I want to make myself
109
00:04:41,870 --> 00:04:42,992
extremely sick and tired?
110
00:04:43,105 --> 00:04:44,808
'Cause there's going to be
about 50 cats howling outside
111
00:04:44,921 --> 00:04:48,518
that window all night long, and you
have no idea how loud 50 cats can be.
112
00:04:48,631 --> 00:04:50,704
Okay, maybe there wouldn't be
cats surrounding your building
113
00:04:50,817 --> 00:04:52,300
if you didn't have open cans of
cat food everywhere.
114
00:04:52,413 --> 00:04:54,344
I have 50 cats howling
outside my window
115
00:04:54,457 --> 00:04:57,708
because I have 10,000 rats running
around my building, Dee, okay?!
116
00:04:57,821 --> 00:04:58,786
- Stop yelling.
- I'm not an idiot!
117
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,061
There's a reason to do the
things that I... oh!
118
00:05:03,988 --> 00:05:05,346
It's starting right on time.
119
00:05:05,459 --> 00:05:08,281
If I were you, I'd start
wolfing that shit down.
120
00:05:09,144 --> 00:05:10,815
I got to go to sleep.
121
00:05:11,870 --> 00:05:14,279
Oh, I'm not feeling good at all.
122
00:06:19,055 --> 00:06:22,095
Come play with us forever
123
00:06:22,225 --> 00:06:24,885
and forever, and forever...
124
00:06:27,822 --> 00:06:29,673
Occupado.
125
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:46,835
Wake up! Let's go!
Time to start the day!
126
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,781
- Time to get up!
- Charlie! Oh, God!
127
00:06:48,894 --> 00:06:50,882
Oh, God! There's evil twins in the...
128
00:06:50,995 --> 00:06:52,499
in the hallway, and a
twitching junkie in...
129
00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:54,313
What? How much of that glue
did you huff?
130
00:06:54,426 --> 00:06:55,622
I don't know.
As much as you did.
131
00:06:55,735 --> 00:06:57,644
As much as me? Really?
132
00:06:58,112 --> 00:07:00,325
Well, that's probably way too
much glue for you, Dee.
133
00:07:00,438 --> 00:07:02,962
Hey, check it out. You just
had yourself a glue O.D.,
134
00:07:03,075 --> 00:07:04,413
and those are pretty
regular in my life,
135
00:07:04,526 --> 00:07:07,629
so you learned another lesson: Don't
do too much glue or your night sucks.
136
00:07:07,742 --> 00:07:10,038
Hold on a second. You're saying
that your life is so terrible
137
00:07:10,151 --> 00:07:13,454
because you eat rat cheese and cat
food and huff glue all day long?
138
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:14,631
Uh... yeah.
139
00:07:14,744 --> 00:07:16,510
Those aren't real problems, Charlie.
140
00:07:16,623 --> 00:07:17,915
What do you mean, they're not
real problems?
141
00:07:18,028 --> 00:07:20,621
You make those problems up.
You choose to do that stuff.
142
00:07:20,734 --> 00:07:22,545
- Those are solutions to problems.
- Oh, my God!
143
00:07:22,658 --> 00:07:24,549
You know what?
Hold on a second.
144
00:07:24,876 --> 00:07:26,305
We're going to turn the tables here.
145
00:07:26,418 --> 00:07:28,425
You're going to walk a mile in
myshoes now,
146
00:07:28,538 --> 00:07:30,505
and you're going to see what it's
like to live in the real world
147
00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,071
and have actual problems.
148
00:07:32,184 --> 00:07:34,164
Okay. You got some glue on your face,
Dee. You might want to wash it off.
149
00:07:34,277 --> 00:07:35,468
Damn it.
150
00:07:39,891 --> 00:07:41,533
Okay, plan is simple.
151
00:07:41,646 --> 00:07:43,774
You're gonna hang out at the
rehab facility for a couple a days
152
00:07:43,887 --> 00:07:45,973
while we get the ball
rolling with Bon Jovi.
153
00:07:46,086 --> 00:07:47,893
Uh, yeah, I gotta say
I'm a little skeptical
154
00:07:48,006 --> 00:07:51,471
about you guys being able to
get in touch with Jon Bon Jovi.
155
00:07:51,584 --> 00:07:53,837
What? What do you mean?
He's from New Jersey.
156
00:07:53,950 --> 00:07:56,511
- Piece of cake.
- Have a little faith in us, please.
157
00:07:56,624 --> 00:07:58,548
Plus, it's easy. We just
get you into a room with him,
158
00:07:58,661 --> 00:08:01,182
snap a couple of photos, we got
proof, bing-bang-boom, we're done.
159
00:08:01,295 --> 00:08:03,389
Now let's talks stigmatas.
160
00:08:03,502 --> 00:08:05,847
Right. Do we have to do
the stigmatas?
161
00:08:06,026 --> 00:08:09,165
Dennis, you know that this publisher
is gonna have a fact checker, right?
162
00:08:09,278 --> 00:08:10,343
- Yeah.
- You don't want to end up like
163
00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:11,941
the Million Little Pieces guy, do you?
164
00:08:12,054 --> 00:08:13,466
I brought a nail gun.
165
00:08:13,579 --> 00:08:15,995
Is that what that is? Look,
you're not gonna shoot nails in me.
166
00:08:16,108 --> 00:08:18,174
No, I think a couple of severe burns
167
00:08:18,287 --> 00:08:20,388
from the cigar is
what's gonna do the trick.
168
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,094
No, no, no, you need deep wounds.
169
00:08:22,432 --> 00:08:24,599
- This'll give you deep wounds.
- Hold on a second, no!
170
00:08:24,933 --> 00:08:28,126
- Nobody's gonna burn me!
- Dennis, calm down! Calm down!
171
00:08:28,239 --> 00:08:29,902
You focus on your art, okay?
172
00:08:30,015 --> 00:08:31,938
Frank and I will handle the
business end of things.
173
00:08:32,051 --> 00:08:34,183
If you guys really want to do
the stigmata thing...
174
00:08:36,863 --> 00:08:38,210
Okay, good work, Frank.
175
00:08:38,323 --> 00:08:40,971
Now I think we should just probably
leave the body right here, right?
176
00:08:41,084 --> 00:08:42,492
And then in the morning,
they'll come out and find him.
177
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,106
All right, give me his hands.
178
00:08:45,716 --> 00:08:48,184
So I don't go to a therapist.
I just go to bars.
179
00:08:48,297 --> 00:08:51,079
If you walk up to the nearest
drunk guy and bup him from behind,
180
00:08:51,192 --> 00:08:52,947
he always turns around
and goes, "Hey, man,
181
00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:54,838
what's your problem?".
182
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:56,890
Dee, this guy is great!
183
00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:59,569
Do you come here every night?
Every night, huh? This is great.
184
00:08:59,682 --> 00:09:01,770
Hey, do the have food, too?
'Cause I could go for some food.
185
00:09:01,883 --> 00:09:03,909
No, no, no food.
I don't eat when I'm here.
186
00:09:04,022 --> 00:09:05,585
- Well, when do you eat?
- I don't.
187
00:09:05,698 --> 00:09:07,809
Why don't you eat dinner, Dee?
You got to eat dinner sometime.
188
00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:10,067
Because when you perform,
your nerves make you dry heave,
189
00:09:10,180 --> 00:09:12,547
and you'd better hope that you
don't have any food in your stomach.
190
00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:14,418
- You gonna perform?
- All right.
191
00:09:14,950 --> 00:09:18,144
Now this next lady you all know
because she's here almost every night.
192
00:09:18,257 --> 00:09:20,548
Let's hope she's got
some new jokes this time.
193
00:09:20,708 --> 00:09:22,259
Everybody, put your hands together
194
00:09:22,372 --> 00:09:24,761
for Deandra Reynolds!
195
00:09:28,786 --> 00:09:32,122
Howdy, howdy, howdy.
How's everybody doing tonight?
196
00:09:34,546 --> 00:09:38,545
So, you guys, what's the deal
with those hands-free headsets
197
00:09:38,658 --> 00:09:41,301
that everybody's wearing in
their ears, right?
198
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:47,688
It's, like, "Hey, everybody,
look at me.
199
00:09:47,801 --> 00:09:50,465
I'm one part robot,
three parts asshole".
200
00:09:51,796 --> 00:09:53,660
Jesus Christ!
201
00:09:57,268 --> 00:09:59,006
I mean, am I right...
202
00:09:59,204 --> 00:10:00,784
That's good.
203
00:10:03,188 --> 00:10:06,811
Well, at least it was
short and dry this time.
204
00:10:07,370 --> 00:10:11,315
Dee, what are you doing to yourself?
That is terrible!
205
00:10:11,428 --> 00:10:12,754
Why would you do that?
206
00:10:12,867 --> 00:10:14,405
You just gotta put in your dues,
Charlie, you know?
207
00:10:14,518 --> 00:10:16,548
You gotta take it one step at a
time when you want to be an actor.
208
00:10:16,661 --> 00:10:17,865
Just climb to the top.
209
00:10:17,978 --> 00:10:19,236
What? This is about being an actor?
210
00:10:19,349 --> 00:10:21,507
Why in God's name are you still
trying to be an actor?
211
00:10:21,936 --> 00:10:23,718
Okay, we all have our hopes
and dreams, Charlie.
212
00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,163
You're still trying to
get with the waitress,
213
00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:27,681
I'm still trying to act.
We just do whatever we need to do.
214
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,683
Is it funny?
You'd better get ready, guy,
215
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:30,818
'cause you're next.
216
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:34,753
...for a newcomer here tonight,
Mr. Charlie Kelly!
217
00:10:38,064 --> 00:10:39,475
So, you guys, you ever eat cheese?
218
00:10:39,588 --> 00:10:41,227
Cheese is funny thing.
Cheese is a strange thing.
219
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:44,352
I always wonder, like, "What is cheese?
Where does it come...?
220
00:10:49,978 --> 00:10:52,050
We gotta figure out how to
get you into rehab.
221
00:10:52,163 --> 00:10:53,724
Let's talk stigmatas.
222
00:10:54,810 --> 00:10:56,268
Deep wounds.
223
00:10:56,381 --> 00:10:59,692
Get you in rehab...
Rehab... Rehab...
224
00:11:00,276 --> 00:11:03,357
Yo, punk, wake up, punk.
225
00:11:04,849 --> 00:11:05,870
Yo, punk.
226
00:11:07,652 --> 00:11:08,931
Wake up!
227
00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:11,508
- What the hell?
- Yeah, you in hell, all right!
228
00:11:11,621 --> 00:11:15,144
Know what? My name is Sinbad.
This is Sinbad's house!
229
00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:17,701
When you in Sinbad house,
you my bitch!
230
00:11:18,922 --> 00:11:20,879
Yeah, you know who that is, huh?
231
00:11:21,778 --> 00:11:24,204
That's Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20.
232
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:26,262
Sing a song. Shut up!
233
00:11:26,639 --> 00:11:28,402
Matchbox 20, ooh.
234
00:11:28,796 --> 00:11:30,096
You the man, huh?
235
00:11:30,209 --> 00:11:31,578
- You gonna punk him like that?
- No-no-no!
236
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,361
Stay back, man. No, matter of fact,
unleash the fury. Get his shoe!
237
00:11:34,474 --> 00:11:35,918
- What?
- Beat his testicles!
238
00:11:36,031 --> 00:11:38,044
No, no, no, don't, don't!
239
00:11:38,678 --> 00:11:40,762
Come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad,
240
00:11:41,132 --> 00:11:44,615
look, I'm pretty confused about what
I'm seeing here, I'm in a lot of pain.
241
00:11:44,728 --> 00:11:46,065
I just don't know what's going on.
242
00:11:46,178 --> 00:11:47,308
Oh, it's the pain, huh?
243
00:11:47,421 --> 00:11:49,480
My bad, I didn't know you was
hurting like that. My bad.
244
00:11:49,593 --> 00:11:52,051
'Cause I've hurt before, you've
hurt before, we all hurt.
245
00:11:52,164 --> 00:11:54,899
So I'm just gonna break it down. I
introduce myself right. That was wrong.
246
00:11:55,012 --> 00:11:56,608
I'm Sinbad. That's my head shot.
247
00:11:56,721 --> 00:11:58,625
I'll autograph it for you a
little later on.
248
00:11:58,738 --> 00:12:01,904
And this is Sinbad's house,
and you my bitch!
249
00:12:02,017 --> 00:12:04,924
- And I'm gonna show you...
- Everything okay in here?
250
00:12:05,037 --> 00:12:06,117
Hey, what's up, Jerome?
What you doing?
251
00:12:06,230 --> 00:12:07,872
He keep throwing his shoe.
He crazy.
252
00:12:07,985 --> 00:12:10,501
Okay, well, let's go. Everybody
should be in bed with the lights off.
253
00:12:10,614 --> 00:12:13,075
We trying to go to sleep.
He keep throwing shoes at us.
254
00:12:14,453 --> 00:12:17,032
Man, you about to get me jacked up,
man. Is that what you're trying to do?
255
00:12:17,145 --> 00:12:19,164
Shut up!
Man, I'll poke your eye out!
256
00:12:19,277 --> 00:12:22,587
See this? This one you,
this one Rob Thomas.
257
00:12:23,177 --> 00:12:25,074
I own both of y'all.
258
00:12:26,570 --> 00:12:28,458
Watch your ass, new-meat!
259
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,507
All rightie, then.
See you soon. Bye-bye.
260
00:12:39,021 --> 00:12:40,918
- Hey, dude.
- I just made a date
261
00:12:41,031 --> 00:12:43,640
- with that girly rock star's people.
- Bon Jovi?!
262
00:12:43,753 --> 00:12:47,282
Yeah, he owns the Philadelphia
Soul, the arena football team.
263
00:12:47,395 --> 00:12:48,803
I just offered to buy it.
264
00:12:48,916 --> 00:12:51,712
Awesome! All right, now I'm gonna
pretend that I have terminal cancer
265
00:12:51,825 --> 00:12:53,780
and get him to do an
acoustic set on my deathbed.
266
00:12:53,893 --> 00:12:55,361
Wait, wait, why would you do that?
267
00:12:55,474 --> 00:12:57,035
- You don't have to do that.
- No, it's great bro.
268
00:12:57,148 --> 00:12:59,336
Rock stars do the cancer-kid
thing all the time.
269
00:12:59,449 --> 00:13:02,546
Look, Frank, you got us into a
room with Jovi's people, right?
270
00:13:02,659 --> 00:13:04,653
I'm gonna get us into a room
with Jovi himself.
271
00:13:04,766 --> 00:13:06,996
I'm sorry. That's a stupid idea
and I don't want you to do it.
272
00:13:07,109 --> 00:13:08,443
Well, I already got a
bald-cap guy and everything.
273
00:13:08,556 --> 00:13:09,933
You're just confusing
everything.
274
00:13:10,046 --> 00:13:11,821
There's nothing confusing
about it, Frank. It's very...
275
00:13:11,934 --> 00:13:15,232
Shut up!
Shut your big mouth right now!
276
00:13:15,432 --> 00:13:17,936
I will put my foot down right now.
277
00:13:18,049 --> 00:13:20,706
You are not going in there with
that cancer thing,
278
00:13:20,819 --> 00:13:24,192
I don't care what you say!
So get it out of your head!
279
00:13:24,492 --> 00:13:27,330
Okay. Jesus, dude, won't do
the cancer thing.
280
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,148
Relax.
281
00:13:31,264 --> 00:13:34,820
So, Mr. Reynolds, you're interested
in buying our arena football team?
282
00:13:34,933 --> 00:13:37,794
Big time!
But I want to do business
283
00:13:37,907 --> 00:13:40,375
with Mr. Von Joni himself.
284
00:13:40,488 --> 00:13:42,026
- Bon Jovi.
- Yeah,
285
00:13:42,139 --> 00:13:45,129
Mr. Bovine Joni himself.
286
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:48,127
I'm offering $40 million for the team.
287
00:13:48,639 --> 00:13:52,089
Well, that is a very
generous offer, but, uh,
288
00:13:52,389 --> 00:13:55,096
I must admit I'm a little bit confused
about one thing.
289
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:58,231
What's confusing about $40 million?
That's a shitload of money.
290
00:13:58,344 --> 00:13:59,253
It is, it is.
291
00:13:59,366 --> 00:14:02,510
I'm a little confused as to why
you've chosen to involve
292
00:14:02,687 --> 00:14:04,062
this gentleman here.
293
00:14:05,298 --> 00:14:07,979
Well, if I may, I'd like to
explain to you why I'm here.
294
00:14:08,362 --> 00:14:10,597
Ma'am, I am dying of very
terminal cancer,
295
00:14:10,710 --> 00:14:13,373
and I would like to request
a private bedside concert
296
00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:14,792
from Mr. Bon Jovi.
297
00:14:14,905 --> 00:14:17,201
Now, Sambora's presence is
not necessary,
298
00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:19,865
but it would be nice
if he was involved. Question:
299
00:14:19,978 --> 00:14:21,087
is this a laser pointer?
300
00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,618
- Yes.
- Can I have it?
301
00:14:23,065 --> 00:14:24,099
No.
302
00:14:24,212 --> 00:14:26,185
- I'm gonna take it anyway.
- Please don't listen to anything he says.
303
00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:29,506
- I'll give you $60 million for the team.
- Frank, Frank? Thank you.
304
00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:31,407
I got it.
We're talking about cancer.
305
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,238
Nobody cares about arena
football anymore.
306
00:14:33,351 --> 00:14:34,354
You're not negotiating shit.
307
00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:35,951
We're onto the cancer thing now,
308
00:14:36,064 --> 00:14:37,961
and that is the way it's gonna
go from here.
309
00:14:38,074 --> 00:14:40,145
Okay, I'm just gonna throw
this out there.
310
00:14:40,439 --> 00:14:42,401
I don't think you have cancer.
311
00:14:42,514 --> 00:14:43,705
What? What are you talking about?
312
00:14:43,818 --> 00:14:45,812
No, that's chemo, that's
chemotherapy right there.
313
00:14:45,925 --> 00:14:48,685
For the record,
when you go through chemo,
314
00:14:48,798 --> 00:14:50,667
- your beard hair falls out, too.
- Are you sure?
315
00:14:50,780 --> 00:14:52,036
- I told you...
- I asked a lot of people.
316
00:14:52,149 --> 00:14:54,916
- ...not to do the cancer thing.
- I asked my bald-cap guy.
317
00:14:55,029 --> 00:14:57,804
But it was working until you
got in with the bullshit numbers.
318
00:14:57,917 --> 00:14:58,854
Goddamn it.
319
00:14:58,967 --> 00:15:00,360
You know, I'm not even really bald?
320
00:15:00,686 --> 00:15:03,039
I have a full head of hair.
Not like him.
321
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,328
Not only do I consider it
magnificent,
322
00:15:07,441 --> 00:15:10,034
but I have a sneaking
suspicion it's pretty good.
323
00:15:12,974 --> 00:15:14,306
His eyes.
324
00:15:14,419 --> 00:15:16,287
Shine it on his dick.
Shine it on his dick.
325
00:15:20,609 --> 00:15:22,558
Oh, that's me, that's my phone.
326
00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:26,270
Hey, dude, where you been?
327
00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:28,616
- I'm in rehab, dude.
- Oh, yeah.
328
00:15:28,729 --> 00:15:30,063
Hey, that whole Jovi thing went south,
329
00:15:30,176 --> 00:15:32,376
so I think we're just gonna
scrap the whole book ordeal.
330
00:15:32,784 --> 00:15:34,199
What are you talking about?
331
00:15:34,581 --> 00:15:36,328
- I got another call, buddy.
- No-no, no, don't...!
332
00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:38,066
Hello.
333
00:15:38,179 --> 00:15:39,909
Yo, Bill, what's happening?
334
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,009
- Who you looking for?
- Bill. Who's this?
335
00:15:42,122 --> 00:15:43,598
This is Mac.
You got the wrong number.
336
00:15:43,711 --> 00:15:45,901
- Oh, my bad.
- Yeah, no, it's no problem.
337
00:15:46,014 --> 00:15:47,543
What number were you trying to call?
338
00:15:49,894 --> 00:15:51,753
- Hello.
- Frank, you got to get me out of here.
339
00:15:51,866 --> 00:15:53,092
Where are you?
340
00:15:53,205 --> 00:15:54,680
I'm in rehab, goddammit!
341
00:15:54,793 --> 00:15:57,215
Well, I'm in a movie, and
this broad's about to get naked,
342
00:15:57,328 --> 00:15:59,533
- so I got to go.
- Yeah, no, that's okay.
343
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:03,928
- Yeah, I thought it was some chick.
- Who are you talking to?
344
00:16:04,041 --> 00:16:04,981
I'm talking to Bill.
345
00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:07,067
- And anyway, so...
- No, no, no, I'm not Bill, I'm Terry.
346
00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:08,241
Oh, I'm sorry, no, it's Terry.
347
00:16:08,354 --> 00:16:10,148
Sorry about that, Terry.
Anyway, this cat people...
348
00:16:10,261 --> 00:16:12,737
Terry?
What number did he want?
349
00:16:12,850 --> 00:16:14,814
Will you please shut up?!
350
00:16:14,927 --> 00:16:16,940
- What's that?
- I got some dick in a movie theater
351
00:16:17,053 --> 00:16:18,785
- giving me shit.
- Why are you turned around like that?
352
00:16:18,898 --> 00:16:20,188
- Nice talking to you.
- Yeah, call me back.
353
00:16:20,301 --> 00:16:21,551
I'll talk to you afterwards.
Bye.
354
00:16:21,675 --> 00:16:23,882
Give me the laser pointer.
Just give me the laser pointer.
355
00:16:23,995 --> 00:16:25,101
- What a jerk.
- I know, but watch this.
356
00:16:25,214 --> 00:16:27,144
I'm gonna do it right in the
back of his head.
357
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,041
Bro... you wore the battery down.
358
00:16:31,154 --> 00:16:35,390
Well, how am I supposed to
use it now? 'Cause you... jerk.
359
00:16:35,577 --> 00:16:37,565
- I'm a jerk?
- Yeah, you're a jerk.
360
00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,889
You're walking around with that
bald cap on all day and I'm a jerk.
361
00:16:41,002 --> 00:16:43,555
It was expensive. I'm sorry,
I want to get my money's worth.
362
00:16:43,668 --> 00:16:45,074
Will you please be quiet?!
363
00:16:45,187 --> 00:16:47,629
Who talks like this in the
middle of a movie theater?
364
00:16:47,742 --> 00:16:51,536
Hey... hey, you don't know
how hard I got it, pal.
365
00:16:51,649 --> 00:16:53,828
You don't know how tough
it is being me.
366
00:16:53,941 --> 00:16:55,097
What?
367
00:16:55,356 --> 00:16:56,941
It's not that tough to be you, Frank.
368
00:16:57,054 --> 00:16:59,664
What is so difficult about your life?
369
00:17:00,548 --> 00:17:04,343
Try walking a mile in my shoes
once in a while and then talk to me.
370
00:17:08,812 --> 00:17:12,160
"Our eyes locked, our hands touched,
371
00:17:12,273 --> 00:17:14,475
and she whispered in my ear,
372
00:17:14,730 --> 00:17:18,848
'Dude, your balls totally rule'".
373
00:17:19,180 --> 00:17:20,628
What the hell you think you
doing, man?!
374
00:17:20,741 --> 00:17:22,015
I heard about this shit!
375
00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:23,898
This gonna stop!
Take his book, Rob.
376
00:17:24,011 --> 00:17:25,449
Whoa, wait, man, what...
377
00:17:25,785 --> 00:17:28,500
Come on, man, I was just in
the middle of some really erotic stuff.
378
00:17:28,613 --> 00:17:31,505
Yeah, I heard about that shit. You
trying to write "memoirs," erotic shit.
379
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:33,338
You know what?
You don't write it, bitch,
380
00:17:33,451 --> 00:17:36,137
- I write it!
- What is your problem, Sinbad?
381
00:17:36,250 --> 00:17:38,219
Think you Jesus?
You think you Jesus?
382
00:17:38,332 --> 00:17:40,473
Ain't no Jesus here... except
383
00:17:40,586 --> 00:17:42,121
me, I'm Jesus.
384
00:17:42,234 --> 00:17:44,425
What the hell, man?!
You stole my thing.
385
00:17:44,538 --> 00:17:45,869
No, no, it's my thing, it's bigger.
386
00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:48,031
Rule of the land: bigger.
It's my thing now.
387
00:17:48,144 --> 00:17:49,530
Took it. Bam. Mine.
388
00:17:49,643 --> 00:17:52,165
Fine, but what is Rob Thomas
have to do with any of this?
389
00:17:52,278 --> 00:17:53,942
You know, Rob, know what he
got to do with it?
390
00:17:54,055 --> 00:17:57,221
He do whatever I tell him to do
'cause he's my bitch, bitch!
391
00:17:57,819 --> 00:17:59,850
Let's get up out of here, man. Get
that, we're gonna read some smut.
392
00:17:59,963 --> 00:18:01,875
- Oh, come on, man...
- Shut up! Give it to him.
393
00:18:01,988 --> 00:18:03,564
No, I'm playing!
394
00:18:05,410 --> 00:18:07,105
I got to get out of here.
395
00:18:10,460 --> 00:18:13,170
This is my day, and this is
where I come at the end of the day
396
00:18:13,283 --> 00:18:14,827
before I head off to Paddy's.
397
00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:17,235
Why do you come to the fountain?
The fountain's my thing, Dee.
398
00:18:17,348 --> 00:18:19,075
Well, I'll tell you why
I come to the fountain, Charlie.
399
00:18:19,188 --> 00:18:21,450
I come every single day
to throw money into this thing
400
00:18:21,563 --> 00:18:24,402
to wish for a better life.
Money that you apparently steal
401
00:18:24,515 --> 00:18:26,747
for spys. Okay?
So essentialy, Charlie,
402
00:18:26,860 --> 00:18:30,183
you're stealing my dreams, and if you
don't mind, I'll go get those dreams back.
403
00:18:30,296 --> 00:18:32,591
That was my spy coins.
That's my money anyway.
404
00:18:32,704 --> 00:18:34,031
That wasn't your money.
405
00:18:34,144 --> 00:18:35,921
I mean, that's what
I have to go through
406
00:18:36,054 --> 00:18:37,029
- to get laid.
- Frank, shut up.
407
00:18:37,062 --> 00:18:39,256
You're just pissed off because
I pooled it of better than you.
408
00:18:39,444 --> 00:18:40,769
You don't pooled it
of better than anyone.
409
00:18:40,804 --> 00:18:43,478
You better not loose your hair,
you ugly bold-hair.
410
00:18:43,639 --> 00:18:45,503
I was ugly as you bitch.
411
00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:48,717
- What are we doing here?
- This is the time of de day
412
00:18:48,830 --> 00:18:50,923
- when I come to the fountain.
- Why?
413
00:18:51,222 --> 00:18:53,792
When I was a kid,
I used to swim in this fountain.
414
00:18:53,905 --> 00:18:58,734
A bunch of bowlings, kick me out.
So I waited to this time of the day,
415
00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:01,843
and come back,
and pissed in the fountain.
416
00:19:01,956 --> 00:19:04,437
I've been pissing in
the fountain for 50 years.
417
00:19:04,550 --> 00:19:06,383
Why are you still pissing in it?
418
00:19:06,805 --> 00:19:08,259
To get back at their kids.
419
00:19:08,372 --> 00:19:11,040
- Crazy, crazy...
- You can have a good life with...
420
00:19:11,385 --> 00:19:13,013
Isn't Dee and Charlie?
421
00:19:13,126 --> 00:19:15,420
- Hey, guys, what are you doing?
- What the hell...
422
00:19:15,533 --> 00:19:18,671
These are my dreams.
They mean something to me.
423
00:19:20,831 --> 00:19:23,305
- Charlie and Dee! Dee!
- Hey!
424
00:19:23,418 --> 00:19:26,778
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking my dreams back.
425
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,962
- What are you guys doing?
- Frank is here to piss in the fountain.
426
00:19:30,075 --> 00:19:33,183
- I do it every day.
- Hey, I like you haircut, man.
427
00:19:33,296 --> 00:19:37,120
- That's a great look.
- You can't tell that I'm bold.
428
00:19:37,233 --> 00:19:40,171
- Oh, my God!
- You can't tell, uh?!
429
00:19:40,284 --> 00:19:43,284
Time out. Did you see where
I pissed in the fountain ?
430
00:19:44,038 --> 00:19:47,062
Hey, Dennis!
What's up buddy, come here!
431
00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:48,673
What you doing ?
432
00:19:48,786 --> 00:19:51,224
Oh, I use this fountain
for killing powers.
433
00:19:51,337 --> 00:19:54,376
Plus, it's very good for my skins.
But that's not the point right now.
434
00:19:54,489 --> 00:19:57,341
You aren't gonna believe this.
Sinbad tried to kill me.
435
00:19:57,858 --> 00:20:00,283
- What?
- Sinbad, and the other comedians
436
00:20:00,396 --> 00:20:02,361
were in the rehab center
and tried to kill me.
437
00:20:02,474 --> 00:20:05,541
and then Rob Thomas, the lead singer
of Matchbox 20, was there too.
438
00:20:05,654 --> 00:20:07,672
Did it make sense?
439
00:20:07,785 --> 00:20:09,111
No.
440
00:20:09,224 --> 00:20:10,942
Time out. Time out. Time out.
441
00:20:11,055 --> 00:20:14,614
- Did you, or did you not meet Sinbad?
- Yeah, I met Sinbad.
442
00:20:14,727 --> 00:20:18,183
- Can you prove that stuff?
- Yeah, it happens minutes ago.
443
00:20:18,296 --> 00:20:21,380
Memoires are back.
The story with the doush bag,
444
00:20:21,493 --> 00:20:22,875
the public eats that shit.
445
00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:24,889
- The memoire thing is gone.
- You have to go back there.
446
00:20:25,002 --> 00:20:27,021
No, we can go back.
That's too dangerous.
447
00:20:27,134 --> 00:20:30,525
No, Dennis, we have to prove, we have to
make photos, we have to sign documents.
448
00:20:30,638 --> 00:20:34,324
- I'm a huge Sinbad fan. I've all his...
- Sinbad is not the man that...
449
00:20:34,927 --> 00:20:37,623
I am not going back there.
450
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:40,333
I hope he's writting
something on a windbreaker.
451
00:20:41,706 --> 00:20:43,976
- Okay guys, this is it.
- What the hell is this?
452
00:20:44,089 --> 00:20:45,503
It's the rehab center.
453
00:20:45,616 --> 00:20:48,702
That's not the rehab center.
That's the rehab center.
454
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:52,529
Well, this is where they drop me
after you guys drop me off.
455
00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:53,920
Everybody, you stay close to me.
456
00:20:54,033 --> 00:20:55,224
Okay? You have to protect me.
457
00:20:55,385 --> 00:20:58,057
Because like most comedians,
Sinbad is very angry on the inside.
458
00:20:58,386 --> 00:21:01,185
- Come on, come on.
- You think he will autograph my shirt?
459
00:21:01,298 --> 00:21:05,339
He will autograph your face
until it gets bloody.
460
00:21:06,548 --> 00:21:09,900
It's like...
What is this place, dude?
461
00:21:10,013 --> 00:21:12,748
Hey! Oh, hell, no!
462
00:21:13,202 --> 00:21:15,704
We told you to not
come back here, freak!
463
00:21:15,817 --> 00:21:17,203
Where is Sinbad?
464
00:21:17,316 --> 00:21:19,746
You call me Sinbad one more time,
465
00:21:19,859 --> 00:21:22,322
- I will knock you out.
- What the hell is going on here?
466
00:21:22,435 --> 00:21:27,536
This dude broke in here, running around,
talking about memoires and Sinbad.
467
00:21:28,948 --> 00:21:30,667
So you lied to us, Dennis?
468
00:21:30,780 --> 00:21:34,580
No, I didn't lie. I sware to God, it was
all real, Sinbad was here, I swear.
469
00:21:34,693 --> 00:21:37,132
- That's it, I'm calling the cops.
- You thought that dude was Sinbad.
470
00:21:37,245 --> 00:21:39,633
Maybe that load in the head
did more damage that we thought.
471
00:21:39,746 --> 00:21:42,004
- That's not Sinbad, dude.
- I know that's not Sinbad.
472
00:21:42,117 --> 00:21:43,744
Is that a sort of sick fantasy?
473
00:21:43,857 --> 00:21:46,765
No, it's not a fantasy, I didn't make
it up, Sinbad was here, I sware.
474
00:21:46,878 --> 00:21:49,699
Guess what guys,
the memoires is dead, again.
475
00:21:49,812 --> 00:21:51,866
I can believe
you didn't meet Sinbad.
476
00:21:52,053 --> 00:21:54,050
You realize how excited
I was to meet Sinbad?
477
00:21:54,586 --> 00:21:58,182
That wasn't a comedian,
that was some dude in green pants.
478
00:21:58,295 --> 00:22:01,200
I don't know how all this happened,
it all seemed so real.
479
00:22:01,575 --> 00:22:03,542
I need to see a doctor.
480
00:22:05,256 --> 00:22:07,655
No, you don't, bitch!
481
00:22:08,936 --> 00:22:10,581
Wake up!
Yeah, you in hell, all right!
482
00:22:10,694 --> 00:22:13,353
- I'm Jesus.
- What the hell, man?!
483
00:22:14,091 --> 00:22:16,523
You call me Sinbad one more time...
484
00:22:21,624 --> 00:22:23,615
Yeah, I should definitely
see a doctor.