1 00:00:01,116 --> 00:00:03,328 What were you even doing in that crawl space, Charlie? 2 00:00:03,441 --> 00:00:05,882 Well, for starters, I was minding my own business. 3 00:00:05,995 --> 00:00:07,682 I was also trying to do a little light reading, 4 00:00:07,795 --> 00:00:09,340 and then I was putting some cheese in the rat traps. 5 00:00:09,453 --> 00:00:10,650 You were putting the cheese in the rat traps? 6 00:00:10,763 --> 00:00:11,906 - Can I smell your mouth? - Why? 7 00:00:12,019 --> 00:00:13,463 You were eating the cheese, weren't you,outof the rat traps? 8 00:00:13,576 --> 00:00:16,263 No! Well, yes. I mean, I was eating the old cheese 9 00:00:16,376 --> 00:00:17,912 to test it, see why the rats weren't eating it. 10 00:00:18,025 --> 00:00:19,703 Why are you always doing such weird things, Charlie? 11 00:00:19,816 --> 00:00:22,548 I do weird things? Name another thing that you think is weird. 12 00:00:22,661 --> 00:00:25,634 I caught you stealing a bunch of coins out of the fountain at Logan Circle. 13 00:00:25,747 --> 00:00:29,043 I was acquiring a little bit of cash to pay my spy, Dee. 14 00:00:29,156 --> 00:00:31,347 - Why do you have a spy? - To spy the waitress. 15 00:00:31,460 --> 00:00:33,693 - Of course I have a spy. - Is that normal to you? 16 00:00:33,806 --> 00:00:35,345 Shut up and give me my book back, please. 17 00:00:35,458 --> 00:00:37,187 Hey, guys, what book you keep going on and on about? 18 00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:38,537 It's nothing. You don't need to see it. 19 00:00:38,650 --> 00:00:40,531 My God! Whoa! 20 00:00:40,995 --> 00:00:43,727 These are my... these are my memoirs. Charlie, you found my book! 21 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:47,221 I wrote a memoirs. Hey, guys, Charlie found my memoirs! 22 00:00:47,334 --> 00:00:48,346 Your memoirs? 23 00:00:48,459 --> 00:00:50,323 I've been keeping track of all my sexual exploits, 24 00:00:50,436 --> 00:00:54,427 and I was going to unleash them on the world in a fiery blaze of eroticism. 25 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,541 Slow down a second, Dennis. 26 00:00:56,654 --> 00:00:59,752 - You wrote a book? - It's more of a tale of redemption 27 00:00:59,865 --> 00:01:03,255 - told through my erotic travels. - Giddyup, man! That's amazing. 28 00:01:03,368 --> 00:01:04,598 That's good stuff, right? Yeah. 29 00:01:04,711 --> 00:01:06,994 But then, one day, the book just sort of went mysteriously missing. 30 00:01:07,107 --> 00:01:08,397 Charlie, what the hell were you doing with it? 31 00:01:08,510 --> 00:01:11,908 Well, since he can't read, I'm guessing he was masturbating to your pictures. 32 00:01:12,021 --> 00:01:13,891 - Goddamn! Jacking off to my... - No, no! 33 00:01:14,004 --> 00:01:16,208 That's... Not at all! You know, what are you doing to me? 34 00:01:16,321 --> 00:01:18,376 Why are you doing this? You've been riding me. 35 00:01:18,489 --> 00:01:20,592 Now you're accusing me of things. You just don't get it. 36 00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,522 You don't know why I do the things that I do. 37 00:01:22,635 --> 00:01:24,754 It's nuts! You don't know how hard I got it, Dee. 38 00:01:24,867 --> 00:01:26,618 You've got it pretty tough? Your life is pretty hard? 39 00:01:26,731 --> 00:01:28,713 How would you like to walk a mile in my shoes, huh? 40 00:01:28,826 --> 00:01:30,479 Try your old buddy Charlie on for size. 41 00:01:30,592 --> 00:01:31,832 You want me to walk a mile in your shoes 42 00:01:31,945 --> 00:01:33,743 'cause I can't handle your big, tough life? I will. 43 00:01:33,856 --> 00:01:35,123 That sounds fine to me. I will do that. 44 00:01:35,236 --> 00:01:36,815 Oh, my God! Shut up! 45 00:01:36,928 --> 00:01:38,745 Dennis, what's the name of this book? 46 00:01:39,835 --> 00:01:43,454 Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life. 47 00:01:44,692 --> 00:01:50,221 Synchro : Criztian Guest : Sososeries 48 00:02:16,068 --> 00:02:18,664 "I removed my robe and stood before her... 49 00:02:18,964 --> 00:02:22,409 taut, nubile, proud. 50 00:02:22,827 --> 00:02:26,279 "She was much, much older than me, but her breasts 51 00:02:26,643 --> 00:02:28,260 were awesome. 52 00:02:28,602 --> 00:02:33,376 "I felt reborn, baptized in erotic majesty." 53 00:02:35,601 --> 00:02:38,454 - Yeah! - This is some sweet smut! 54 00:02:38,654 --> 00:02:40,388 - I'm all boned up over here. - Me, too! 55 00:02:40,501 --> 00:02:41,966 Dennis, we should try and sell this book. 56 00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:43,489 Personal memoirs are huge right now. 57 00:02:43,602 --> 00:02:45,374 Yeah, yeah. No. I'm going to sell the book, okay, 58 00:02:45,487 --> 00:02:46,825 but I'm not going to let you guys be involved 59 00:02:46,938 --> 00:02:49,588 because, every time you're involved, you get all excited about something, 60 00:02:49,701 --> 00:02:51,819 and then you give up the minute we hit the first speed bump. 61 00:02:51,932 --> 00:02:54,140 You need us, Dennis. You're going to need some legal help. 62 00:02:54,359 --> 00:02:56,524 Legal help? What the hell you talking about, man? 63 00:02:56,637 --> 00:02:59,273 Bro, half the stories you just read us are total bullshit. 64 00:02:59,386 --> 00:03:00,710 They're not bullshit. What are you saying? 65 00:03:00,823 --> 00:03:04,516 Dennis, you were never the personal sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi! 66 00:03:04,629 --> 00:03:07,759 And you never woke up in a rehab facility with the wounds of Christ 67 00:03:07,872 --> 00:03:10,331 miraculously appearing on your hands and feet! 68 00:03:10,444 --> 00:03:12,265 Yeah, man, but I did... I banged that girl in the fountain. 69 00:03:12,378 --> 00:03:14,412 That story was true... the hot dog, the oatmeal, everything. 70 00:03:14,525 --> 00:03:17,225 Dude, you don't want to end up like that Million Little Pieces guy, okay? 71 00:03:17,338 --> 00:03:19,280 Oprah made him look like a total dick. 72 00:03:19,393 --> 00:03:21,297 That guy was a turd. I mean, come on. 73 00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:23,600 Just take some of those stories out. 74 00:03:23,713 --> 00:03:25,686 You can't take those stories out. That's the rub! 75 00:03:25,799 --> 00:03:27,260 That's why he needs us. 76 00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:31,135 Because the public loves those crazy celebrity stories and rehab shit. 77 00:03:31,248 --> 00:03:32,413 Okay, well, so what are you thinking? 78 00:03:32,526 --> 00:03:35,249 I'm thinking we take some of the really good stories, 79 00:03:35,362 --> 00:03:38,280 you know... the Jon Bon Jovi, the Christ wound stigmatas... 80 00:03:38,393 --> 00:03:39,714 and we recreate them. 81 00:03:39,827 --> 00:03:42,496 We make them true so that people can't prove that they didn't happen! 82 00:03:42,609 --> 00:03:45,011 My God! Recreate some of the better stories in here, 83 00:03:45,124 --> 00:03:46,372 - and then we have proof! - Yes! 84 00:03:46,485 --> 00:03:47,728 Holy shit, man! That's a good idea. 85 00:03:47,841 --> 00:03:51,834 Now, first things first. We got to figure out how to get you into rehab. 86 00:03:54,205 --> 00:03:56,321 Charlie, do I really have to sleep here? 87 00:03:56,434 --> 00:03:58,153 Dee, if you're going to walk a mile in my shoes, 88 00:03:58,266 --> 00:04:00,420 this is a pretty big part of that mile, don't you think? 89 00:04:00,613 --> 00:04:01,856 - Here. Put these on. - No. 90 00:04:01,969 --> 00:04:04,329 I don't want to wear one of your dirty sleeping outfits. 91 00:04:04,442 --> 00:04:06,568 I'm sorry, Dee, but my "outfits," as you like to call them, 92 00:04:06,681 --> 00:04:08,059 serve a very specific purpose, all right? 93 00:04:08,172 --> 00:04:09,591 This isn't just for fun. 94 00:04:09,704 --> 00:04:11,407 I don't have any heating ducts in this apartment. 95 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,164 It gets freezing in here at night, all right? 96 00:04:13,277 --> 00:04:16,124 Now, in case you have to pee-pee, I got this for you, all right? 97 00:04:16,455 --> 00:04:18,611 - Oh, my God! - Goddamn it! 98 00:04:18,724 --> 00:04:19,977 Frank was supposed to empty that. 99 00:04:20,090 --> 00:04:21,565 Totally, no wonder! It reeks in here! 100 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:23,423 You have open cans of pee everywhere! 101 00:04:23,536 --> 00:04:26,505 Well, I'm sorry, but you do not want to use that bathroom! 102 00:04:26,618 --> 00:04:27,875 Now, eat one of these, all right? 103 00:04:27,988 --> 00:04:30,260 You're going to want to huff a little glue and drink some beer. 104 00:04:31,202 --> 00:04:33,584 - This is cat food, Charlie. - Dee, I can explain it, all right? 105 00:04:33,697 --> 00:04:35,841 There's some sort of weird chemical reaction that happens 106 00:04:35,954 --> 00:04:37,660 when you combine cat food, beer and glue. 107 00:04:37,773 --> 00:04:39,765 It makes you feel, like, extremely sick and tired. 108 00:04:39,878 --> 00:04:41,757 - You're able to fall asleep. - Why would I want to make myself 109 00:04:41,870 --> 00:04:42,992 extremely sick and tired? 110 00:04:43,105 --> 00:04:44,808 'Cause there's going to be about 50 cats howling outside 111 00:04:44,921 --> 00:04:48,518 that window all night long, and you have no idea how loud 50 cats can be. 112 00:04:48,631 --> 00:04:50,704 Okay, maybe there wouldn't be cats surrounding your building 113 00:04:50,817 --> 00:04:52,300 if you didn't have open cans of cat food everywhere. 114 00:04:52,413 --> 00:04:54,344 I have 50 cats howling outside my window 115 00:04:54,457 --> 00:04:57,708 because I have 10,000 rats running around my building, Dee, okay?! 116 00:04:57,821 --> 00:04:58,786 - Stop yelling. - I'm not an idiot! 117 00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,061 There's a reason to do the things that I... oh! 118 00:05:03,988 --> 00:05:05,346 It's starting right on time. 119 00:05:05,459 --> 00:05:08,281 If I were you, I'd start wolfing that shit down. 120 00:05:09,144 --> 00:05:10,815 I got to go to sleep. 121 00:05:11,870 --> 00:05:14,279 Oh, I'm not feeling good at all. 122 00:06:19,055 --> 00:06:22,095 Come play with us forever 123 00:06:22,225 --> 00:06:24,885 and forever, and forever... 124 00:06:27,822 --> 00:06:29,673 Occupado. 125 00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:46,835 Wake up! Let's go! Time to start the day! 126 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,781 - Time to get up! - Charlie! Oh, God! 127 00:06:48,894 --> 00:06:50,882 Oh, God! There's evil twins in the... 128 00:06:50,995 --> 00:06:52,499 in the hallway, and a twitching junkie in... 129 00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:54,313 What? How much of that glue did you huff? 130 00:06:54,426 --> 00:06:55,622 I don't know. As much as you did. 131 00:06:55,735 --> 00:06:57,644 As much as me? Really? 132 00:06:58,112 --> 00:07:00,325 Well, that's probably way too much glue for you, Dee. 133 00:07:00,438 --> 00:07:02,962 Hey, check it out. You just had yourself a glue O.D., 134 00:07:03,075 --> 00:07:04,413 and those are pretty regular in my life, 135 00:07:04,526 --> 00:07:07,629 so you learned another lesson: Don't do too much glue or your night sucks. 136 00:07:07,742 --> 00:07:10,038 Hold on a second. You're saying that your life is so terrible 137 00:07:10,151 --> 00:07:13,454 because you eat rat cheese and cat food and huff glue all day long? 138 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:14,631 Uh... yeah. 139 00:07:14,744 --> 00:07:16,510 Those aren't real problems, Charlie. 140 00:07:16,623 --> 00:07:17,915 What do you mean, they're not real problems? 141 00:07:18,028 --> 00:07:20,621 You make those problems up. You choose to do that stuff. 142 00:07:20,734 --> 00:07:22,545 - Those are solutions to problems. - Oh, my God! 143 00:07:22,658 --> 00:07:24,549 You know what? Hold on a second. 144 00:07:24,876 --> 00:07:26,305 We're going to turn the tables here. 145 00:07:26,418 --> 00:07:28,425 You're going to walk a mile in myshoes now, 146 00:07:28,538 --> 00:07:30,505 and you're going to see what it's like to live in the real world 147 00:07:30,618 --> 00:07:32,071 and have actual problems. 148 00:07:32,184 --> 00:07:34,164 Okay. You got some glue on your face, Dee. You might want to wash it off. 149 00:07:34,277 --> 00:07:35,468 Damn it. 150 00:07:39,891 --> 00:07:41,533 Okay, plan is simple. 151 00:07:41,646 --> 00:07:43,774 You're gonna hang out at the rehab facility for a couple a days 152 00:07:43,887 --> 00:07:45,973 while we get the ball rolling with Bon Jovi. 153 00:07:46,086 --> 00:07:47,893 Uh, yeah, I gotta say I'm a little skeptical 154 00:07:48,006 --> 00:07:51,471 about you guys being able to get in touch with Jon Bon Jovi. 155 00:07:51,584 --> 00:07:53,837 What? What do you mean? He's from New Jersey. 156 00:07:53,950 --> 00:07:56,511 - Piece of cake. - Have a little faith in us, please. 157 00:07:56,624 --> 00:07:58,548 Plus, it's easy. We just get you into a room with him, 158 00:07:58,661 --> 00:08:01,182 snap a couple of photos, we got proof, bing-bang-boom, we're done. 159 00:08:01,295 --> 00:08:03,389 Now let's talks stigmatas. 160 00:08:03,502 --> 00:08:05,847 Right. Do we have to do the stigmatas? 161 00:08:06,026 --> 00:08:09,165 Dennis, you know that this publisher is gonna have a fact checker, right? 162 00:08:09,278 --> 00:08:10,343 - Yeah. - You don't want to end up like 163 00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:11,941 the Million Little Pieces guy, do you? 164 00:08:12,054 --> 00:08:13,466 I brought a nail gun. 165 00:08:13,579 --> 00:08:15,995 Is that what that is? Look, you're not gonna shoot nails in me. 166 00:08:16,108 --> 00:08:18,174 No, I think a couple of severe burns 167 00:08:18,287 --> 00:08:20,388 from the cigar is what's gonna do the trick. 168 00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,094 No, no, no, you need deep wounds. 169 00:08:22,432 --> 00:08:24,599 - This'll give you deep wounds. - Hold on a second, no! 170 00:08:24,933 --> 00:08:28,126 - Nobody's gonna burn me! - Dennis, calm down! Calm down! 171 00:08:28,239 --> 00:08:29,902 You focus on your art, okay? 172 00:08:30,015 --> 00:08:31,938 Frank and I will handle the business end of things. 173 00:08:32,051 --> 00:08:34,183 If you guys really want to do the stigmata thing... 174 00:08:36,863 --> 00:08:38,210 Okay, good work, Frank. 175 00:08:38,323 --> 00:08:40,971 Now I think we should just probably leave the body right here, right? 176 00:08:41,084 --> 00:08:42,492 And then in the morning, they'll come out and find him. 177 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:44,106 All right, give me his hands. 178 00:08:45,716 --> 00:08:48,184 So I don't go to a therapist. I just go to bars. 179 00:08:48,297 --> 00:08:51,079 If you walk up to the nearest drunk guy and bup him from behind, 180 00:08:51,192 --> 00:08:52,947 he always turns around and goes, "Hey, man, 181 00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:54,838 what's your problem?". 182 00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:56,890 Dee, this guy is great! 183 00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:59,569 Do you come here every night? Every night, huh? This is great. 184 00:08:59,682 --> 00:09:01,770 Hey, do the have food, too? 'Cause I could go for some food. 185 00:09:01,883 --> 00:09:03,909 No, no, no food. I don't eat when I'm here. 186 00:09:04,022 --> 00:09:05,585 - Well, when do you eat? - I don't. 187 00:09:05,698 --> 00:09:07,809 Why don't you eat dinner, Dee? You got to eat dinner sometime. 188 00:09:07,922 --> 00:09:10,067 Because when you perform, your nerves make you dry heave, 189 00:09:10,180 --> 00:09:12,547 and you'd better hope that you don't have any food in your stomach. 190 00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:14,418 - You gonna perform? - All right. 191 00:09:14,950 --> 00:09:18,144 Now this next lady you all know because she's here almost every night. 192 00:09:18,257 --> 00:09:20,548 Let's hope she's got some new jokes this time. 193 00:09:20,708 --> 00:09:22,259 Everybody, put your hands together 194 00:09:22,372 --> 00:09:24,761 for Deandra Reynolds! 195 00:09:28,786 --> 00:09:32,122 Howdy, howdy, howdy. How's everybody doing tonight? 196 00:09:34,546 --> 00:09:38,545 So, you guys, what's the deal with those hands-free headsets 197 00:09:38,658 --> 00:09:41,301 that everybody's wearing in their ears, right? 198 00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:47,688 It's, like, "Hey, everybody, look at me. 199 00:09:47,801 --> 00:09:50,465 I'm one part robot, three parts asshole". 200 00:09:51,796 --> 00:09:53,660 Jesus Christ! 201 00:09:57,268 --> 00:09:59,006 I mean, am I right... 202 00:09:59,204 --> 00:10:00,784 That's good. 203 00:10:03,188 --> 00:10:06,811 Well, at least it was short and dry this time. 204 00:10:07,370 --> 00:10:11,315 Dee, what are you doing to yourself? That is terrible! 205 00:10:11,428 --> 00:10:12,754 Why would you do that? 206 00:10:12,867 --> 00:10:14,405 You just gotta put in your dues, Charlie, you know? 207 00:10:14,518 --> 00:10:16,548 You gotta take it one step at a time when you want to be an actor. 208 00:10:16,661 --> 00:10:17,865 Just climb to the top. 209 00:10:17,978 --> 00:10:19,236 What? This is about being an actor? 210 00:10:19,349 --> 00:10:21,507 Why in God's name are you still trying to be an actor? 211 00:10:21,936 --> 00:10:23,718 Okay, we all have our hopes and dreams, Charlie. 212 00:10:23,831 --> 00:10:25,163 You're still trying to get with the waitress, 213 00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:27,681 I'm still trying to act. We just do whatever we need to do. 214 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,683 Is it funny? You'd better get ready, guy, 215 00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:30,818 'cause you're next. 216 00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:34,753 ...for a newcomer here tonight, Mr. Charlie Kelly! 217 00:10:38,064 --> 00:10:39,475 So, you guys, you ever eat cheese? 218 00:10:39,588 --> 00:10:41,227 Cheese is funny thing. Cheese is a strange thing. 219 00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:44,352 I always wonder, like, "What is cheese? Where does it come...? 220 00:10:49,978 --> 00:10:52,050 We gotta figure out how to get you into rehab. 221 00:10:52,163 --> 00:10:53,724 Let's talk stigmatas. 222 00:10:54,810 --> 00:10:56,268 Deep wounds. 223 00:10:56,381 --> 00:10:59,692 Get you in rehab... Rehab... Rehab... 224 00:11:00,276 --> 00:11:03,357 Yo, punk, wake up, punk. 225 00:11:04,849 --> 00:11:05,870 Yo, punk. 226 00:11:07,652 --> 00:11:08,931 Wake up! 227 00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:11,508 - What the hell? - Yeah, you in hell, all right! 228 00:11:11,621 --> 00:11:15,144 Know what? My name is Sinbad. This is Sinbad's house! 229 00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:17,701 When you in Sinbad house, you my bitch! 230 00:11:18,922 --> 00:11:20,879 Yeah, you know who that is, huh? 231 00:11:21,778 --> 00:11:24,204 That's Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20. 232 00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:26,262 Sing a song. Shut up! 233 00:11:26,639 --> 00:11:28,402 Matchbox 20, ooh. 234 00:11:28,796 --> 00:11:30,096 You the man, huh? 235 00:11:30,209 --> 00:11:31,578 - You gonna punk him like that? - No-no-no! 236 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,361 Stay back, man. No, matter of fact, unleash the fury. Get his shoe! 237 00:11:34,474 --> 00:11:35,918 - What? - Beat his testicles! 238 00:11:36,031 --> 00:11:38,044 No, no, no, don't, don't! 239 00:11:38,678 --> 00:11:40,762 Come on. Rob Thomas and Sinbad, 240 00:11:41,132 --> 00:11:44,615 look, I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here, I'm in a lot of pain. 241 00:11:44,728 --> 00:11:46,065 I just don't know what's going on. 242 00:11:46,178 --> 00:11:47,308 Oh, it's the pain, huh? 243 00:11:47,421 --> 00:11:49,480 My bad, I didn't know you was hurting like that. My bad. 244 00:11:49,593 --> 00:11:52,051 'Cause I've hurt before, you've hurt before, we all hurt. 245 00:11:52,164 --> 00:11:54,899 So I'm just gonna break it down. I introduce myself right. That was wrong. 246 00:11:55,012 --> 00:11:56,608 I'm Sinbad. That's my head shot. 247 00:11:56,721 --> 00:11:58,625 I'll autograph it for you a little later on. 248 00:11:58,738 --> 00:12:01,904 And this is Sinbad's house, and you my bitch! 249 00:12:02,017 --> 00:12:04,924 - And I'm gonna show you... - Everything okay in here? 250 00:12:05,037 --> 00:12:06,117 Hey, what's up, Jerome? What you doing? 251 00:12:06,230 --> 00:12:07,872 He keep throwing his shoe. He crazy. 252 00:12:07,985 --> 00:12:10,501 Okay, well, let's go. Everybody should be in bed with the lights off. 253 00:12:10,614 --> 00:12:13,075 We trying to go to sleep. He keep throwing shoes at us. 254 00:12:14,453 --> 00:12:17,032 Man, you about to get me jacked up, man. Is that what you're trying to do? 255 00:12:17,145 --> 00:12:19,164 Shut up! Man, I'll poke your eye out! 256 00:12:19,277 --> 00:12:22,587 See this? This one you, this one Rob Thomas. 257 00:12:23,177 --> 00:12:25,074 I own both of y'all. 258 00:12:26,570 --> 00:12:28,458 Watch your ass, new-meat! 259 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,507 All rightie, then. See you soon. Bye-bye. 260 00:12:39,021 --> 00:12:40,918 - Hey, dude. - I just made a date 261 00:12:41,031 --> 00:12:43,640 - with that girly rock star's people. - Bon Jovi?! 262 00:12:43,753 --> 00:12:47,282 Yeah, he owns the Philadelphia Soul, the arena football team. 263 00:12:47,395 --> 00:12:48,803 I just offered to buy it. 264 00:12:48,916 --> 00:12:51,712 Awesome! All right, now I'm gonna pretend that I have terminal cancer 265 00:12:51,825 --> 00:12:53,780 and get him to do an acoustic set on my deathbed. 266 00:12:53,893 --> 00:12:55,361 Wait, wait, why would you do that? 267 00:12:55,474 --> 00:12:57,035 - You don't have to do that. - No, it's great bro. 268 00:12:57,148 --> 00:12:59,336 Rock stars do the cancer-kid thing all the time. 269 00:12:59,449 --> 00:13:02,546 Look, Frank, you got us into a room with Jovi's people, right? 270 00:13:02,659 --> 00:13:04,653 I'm gonna get us into a room with Jovi himself. 271 00:13:04,766 --> 00:13:06,996 I'm sorry. That's a stupid idea and I don't want you to do it. 272 00:13:07,109 --> 00:13:08,443 Well, I already got a bald-cap guy and everything. 273 00:13:08,556 --> 00:13:09,933 You're just confusing everything. 274 00:13:10,046 --> 00:13:11,821 There's nothing confusing about it, Frank. It's very... 275 00:13:11,934 --> 00:13:15,232 Shut up! Shut your big mouth right now! 276 00:13:15,432 --> 00:13:17,936 I will put my foot down right now. 277 00:13:18,049 --> 00:13:20,706 You are not going in there with that cancer thing, 278 00:13:20,819 --> 00:13:24,192 I don't care what you say! So get it out of your head! 279 00:13:24,492 --> 00:13:27,330 Okay. Jesus, dude, won't do the cancer thing. 280 00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,148 Relax. 281 00:13:31,264 --> 00:13:34,820 So, Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in buying our arena football team? 282 00:13:34,933 --> 00:13:37,794 Big time! But I want to do business 283 00:13:37,907 --> 00:13:40,375 with Mr. Von Joni himself. 284 00:13:40,488 --> 00:13:42,026 - Bon Jovi. - Yeah, 285 00:13:42,139 --> 00:13:45,129 Mr. Bovine Joni himself. 286 00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:48,127 I'm offering $40 million for the team. 287 00:13:48,639 --> 00:13:52,089 Well, that is a very generous offer, but, uh, 288 00:13:52,389 --> 00:13:55,096 I must admit I'm a little bit confused about one thing. 289 00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:58,231 What's confusing about $40 million? That's a shitload of money. 290 00:13:58,344 --> 00:13:59,253 It is, it is. 291 00:13:59,366 --> 00:14:02,510 I'm a little confused as to why you've chosen to involve 292 00:14:02,687 --> 00:14:04,062 this gentleman here. 293 00:14:05,298 --> 00:14:07,979 Well, if I may, I'd like to explain to you why I'm here. 294 00:14:08,362 --> 00:14:10,597 Ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer, 295 00:14:10,710 --> 00:14:13,373 and I would like to request a private bedside concert 296 00:14:13,486 --> 00:14:14,792 from Mr. Bon Jovi. 297 00:14:14,905 --> 00:14:17,201 Now, Sambora's presence is not necessary, 298 00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:19,865 but it would be nice if he was involved. Question: 299 00:14:19,978 --> 00:14:21,087 is this a laser pointer? 300 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:22,618 - Yes. - Can I have it? 301 00:14:23,065 --> 00:14:24,099 No. 302 00:14:24,212 --> 00:14:26,185 - I'm gonna take it anyway. - Please don't listen to anything he says. 303 00:14:26,398 --> 00:14:29,506 - I'll give you $60 million for the team. - Frank, Frank? Thank you. 304 00:14:29,619 --> 00:14:31,407 I got it. We're talking about cancer. 305 00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,238 Nobody cares about arena football anymore. 306 00:14:33,351 --> 00:14:34,354 You're not negotiating shit. 307 00:14:34,467 --> 00:14:35,951 We're onto the cancer thing now, 308 00:14:36,064 --> 00:14:37,961 and that is the way it's gonna go from here. 309 00:14:38,074 --> 00:14:40,145 Okay, I'm just gonna throw this out there. 310 00:14:40,439 --> 00:14:42,401 I don't think you have cancer. 311 00:14:42,514 --> 00:14:43,705 What? What are you talking about? 312 00:14:43,818 --> 00:14:45,812 No, that's chemo, that's chemotherapy right there. 313 00:14:45,925 --> 00:14:48,685 For the record, when you go through chemo, 314 00:14:48,798 --> 00:14:50,667 - your beard hair falls out, too. - Are you sure? 315 00:14:50,780 --> 00:14:52,036 - I told you... - I asked a lot of people. 316 00:14:52,149 --> 00:14:54,916 - ...not to do the cancer thing. - I asked my bald-cap guy. 317 00:14:55,029 --> 00:14:57,804 But it was working until you got in with the bullshit numbers. 318 00:14:57,917 --> 00:14:58,854 Goddamn it. 319 00:14:58,967 --> 00:15:00,360 You know, I'm not even really bald? 320 00:15:00,686 --> 00:15:03,039 I have a full head of hair. Not like him. 321 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,328 Not only do I consider it magnificent, 322 00:15:07,441 --> 00:15:10,034 but I have a sneaking suspicion it's pretty good. 323 00:15:12,974 --> 00:15:14,306 His eyes. 324 00:15:14,419 --> 00:15:16,287 Shine it on his dick. Shine it on his dick. 325 00:15:20,609 --> 00:15:22,558 Oh, that's me, that's my phone. 326 00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:26,270 Hey, dude, where you been? 327 00:15:26,383 --> 00:15:28,616 - I'm in rehab, dude. - Oh, yeah. 328 00:15:28,729 --> 00:15:30,063 Hey, that whole Jovi thing went south, 329 00:15:30,176 --> 00:15:32,376 so I think we're just gonna scrap the whole book ordeal. 330 00:15:32,784 --> 00:15:34,199 What are you talking about? 331 00:15:34,581 --> 00:15:36,328 - I got another call, buddy. - No-no, no, don't...! 332 00:15:36,875 --> 00:15:38,066 Hello. 333 00:15:38,179 --> 00:15:39,909 Yo, Bill, what's happening? 334 00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:42,009 - Who you looking for? - Bill. Who's this? 335 00:15:42,122 --> 00:15:43,598 This is Mac. You got the wrong number. 336 00:15:43,711 --> 00:15:45,901 - Oh, my bad. - Yeah, no, it's no problem. 337 00:15:46,014 --> 00:15:47,543 What number were you trying to call? 338 00:15:49,894 --> 00:15:51,753 - Hello. - Frank, you got to get me out of here. 339 00:15:51,866 --> 00:15:53,092 Where are you? 340 00:15:53,205 --> 00:15:54,680 I'm in rehab, goddammit! 341 00:15:54,793 --> 00:15:57,215 Well, I'm in a movie, and this broad's about to get naked, 342 00:15:57,328 --> 00:15:59,533 - so I got to go. - Yeah, no, that's okay. 343 00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:03,928 - Yeah, I thought it was some chick. - Who are you talking to? 344 00:16:04,041 --> 00:16:04,981 I'm talking to Bill. 345 00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:07,067 - And anyway, so... - No, no, no, I'm not Bill, I'm Terry. 346 00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:08,241 Oh, I'm sorry, no, it's Terry. 347 00:16:08,354 --> 00:16:10,148 Sorry about that, Terry. Anyway, this cat people... 348 00:16:10,261 --> 00:16:12,737 Terry? What number did he want? 349 00:16:12,850 --> 00:16:14,814 Will you please shut up?! 350 00:16:14,927 --> 00:16:16,940 - What's that? - I got some dick in a movie theater 351 00:16:17,053 --> 00:16:18,785 - giving me shit. - Why are you turned around like that? 352 00:16:18,898 --> 00:16:20,188 - Nice talking to you. - Yeah, call me back. 353 00:16:20,301 --> 00:16:21,551 I'll talk to you afterwards. Bye. 354 00:16:21,675 --> 00:16:23,882 Give me the laser pointer. Just give me the laser pointer. 355 00:16:23,995 --> 00:16:25,101 - What a jerk. - I know, but watch this. 356 00:16:25,214 --> 00:16:27,144 I'm gonna do it right in the back of his head. 357 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,041 Bro... you wore the battery down. 358 00:16:31,154 --> 00:16:35,390 Well, how am I supposed to use it now? 'Cause you... jerk. 359 00:16:35,577 --> 00:16:37,565 - I'm a jerk? - Yeah, you're a jerk. 360 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,889 You're walking around with that bald cap on all day and I'm a jerk. 361 00:16:41,002 --> 00:16:43,555 It was expensive. I'm sorry, I want to get my money's worth. 362 00:16:43,668 --> 00:16:45,074 Will you please be quiet?! 363 00:16:45,187 --> 00:16:47,629 Who talks like this in the middle of a movie theater? 364 00:16:47,742 --> 00:16:51,536 Hey... hey, you don't know how hard I got it, pal. 365 00:16:51,649 --> 00:16:53,828 You don't know how tough it is being me. 366 00:16:53,941 --> 00:16:55,097 What? 367 00:16:55,356 --> 00:16:56,941 It's not that tough to be you, Frank. 368 00:16:57,054 --> 00:16:59,664 What is so difficult about your life? 369 00:17:00,548 --> 00:17:04,343 Try walking a mile in my shoes once in a while and then talk to me. 370 00:17:08,812 --> 00:17:12,160 "Our eyes locked, our hands touched, 371 00:17:12,273 --> 00:17:14,475 and she whispered in my ear, 372 00:17:14,730 --> 00:17:18,848 'Dude, your balls totally rule'". 373 00:17:19,180 --> 00:17:20,628 What the hell you think you doing, man?! 374 00:17:20,741 --> 00:17:22,015 I heard about this shit! 375 00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:23,898 This gonna stop! Take his book, Rob. 376 00:17:24,011 --> 00:17:25,449 Whoa, wait, man, what... 377 00:17:25,785 --> 00:17:28,500 Come on, man, I was just in the middle of some really erotic stuff. 378 00:17:28,613 --> 00:17:31,505 Yeah, I heard about that shit. You trying to write "memoirs," erotic shit. 379 00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:33,338 You know what? You don't write it, bitch, 380 00:17:33,451 --> 00:17:36,137 - I write it! - What is your problem, Sinbad? 381 00:17:36,250 --> 00:17:38,219 Think you Jesus? You think you Jesus? 382 00:17:38,332 --> 00:17:40,473 Ain't no Jesus here... except 383 00:17:40,586 --> 00:17:42,121 me, I'm Jesus. 384 00:17:42,234 --> 00:17:44,425 What the hell, man?! You stole my thing. 385 00:17:44,538 --> 00:17:45,869 No, no, it's my thing, it's bigger. 386 00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:48,031 Rule of the land: bigger. It's my thing now. 387 00:17:48,144 --> 00:17:49,530 Took it. Bam. Mine. 388 00:17:49,643 --> 00:17:52,165 Fine, but what is Rob Thomas have to do with any of this? 389 00:17:52,278 --> 00:17:53,942 You know, Rob, know what he got to do with it? 390 00:17:54,055 --> 00:17:57,221 He do whatever I tell him to do 'cause he's my bitch, bitch! 391 00:17:57,819 --> 00:17:59,850 Let's get up out of here, man. Get that, we're gonna read some smut. 392 00:17:59,963 --> 00:18:01,875 - Oh, come on, man... - Shut up! Give it to him. 393 00:18:01,988 --> 00:18:03,564 No, I'm playing! 394 00:18:05,410 --> 00:18:07,105 I got to get out of here. 395 00:18:10,460 --> 00:18:13,170 This is my day, and this is where I come at the end of the day 396 00:18:13,283 --> 00:18:14,827 before I head off to Paddy's. 397 00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:17,235 Why do you come to the fountain? The fountain's my thing, Dee. 398 00:18:17,348 --> 00:18:19,075 Well, I'll tell you why I come to the fountain, Charlie. 399 00:18:19,188 --> 00:18:21,450 I come every single day to throw money into this thing 400 00:18:21,563 --> 00:18:24,402 to wish for a better life. Money that you apparently steal 401 00:18:24,515 --> 00:18:26,747 for spys. Okay? So essentialy, Charlie, 402 00:18:26,860 --> 00:18:30,183 you're stealing my dreams, and if you don't mind, I'll go get those dreams back. 403 00:18:30,296 --> 00:18:32,591 That was my spy coins. That's my money anyway. 404 00:18:32,704 --> 00:18:34,031 That wasn't your money. 405 00:18:34,144 --> 00:18:35,921 I mean, that's what I have to go through 406 00:18:36,054 --> 00:18:37,029 - to get laid. - Frank, shut up. 407 00:18:37,062 --> 00:18:39,256 You're just pissed off because I pooled it of better than you. 408 00:18:39,444 --> 00:18:40,769 You don't pooled it of better than anyone. 409 00:18:40,804 --> 00:18:43,478 You better not loose your hair, you ugly bold-hair. 410 00:18:43,639 --> 00:18:45,503 I was ugly as you bitch. 411 00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:48,717 - What are we doing here? - This is the time of de day 412 00:18:48,830 --> 00:18:50,923 - when I come to the fountain. - Why? 413 00:18:51,222 --> 00:18:53,792 When I was a kid, I used to swim in this fountain. 414 00:18:53,905 --> 00:18:58,734 A bunch of bowlings, kick me out. So I waited to this time of the day, 415 00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:01,843 and come back, and pissed in the fountain. 416 00:19:01,956 --> 00:19:04,437 I've been pissing in the fountain for 50 years. 417 00:19:04,550 --> 00:19:06,383 Why are you still pissing in it? 418 00:19:06,805 --> 00:19:08,259 To get back at their kids. 419 00:19:08,372 --> 00:19:11,040 - Crazy, crazy... - You can have a good life with... 420 00:19:11,385 --> 00:19:13,013 Isn't Dee and Charlie? 421 00:19:13,126 --> 00:19:15,420 - Hey, guys, what are you doing? - What the hell... 422 00:19:15,533 --> 00:19:18,671 These are my dreams. They mean something to me. 423 00:19:20,831 --> 00:19:23,305 - Charlie and Dee! Dee! - Hey! 424 00:19:23,418 --> 00:19:26,778 - What are you doing? - I'm taking my dreams back. 425 00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,962 - What are you guys doing? - Frank is here to piss in the fountain. 426 00:19:30,075 --> 00:19:33,183 - I do it every day. - Hey, I like you haircut, man. 427 00:19:33,296 --> 00:19:37,120 - That's a great look. - You can't tell that I'm bold. 428 00:19:37,233 --> 00:19:40,171 - Oh, my God! - You can't tell, uh?! 429 00:19:40,284 --> 00:19:43,284 Time out. Did you see where I pissed in the fountain ? 430 00:19:44,038 --> 00:19:47,062 Hey, Dennis! What's up buddy, come here! 431 00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:48,673 What you doing ? 432 00:19:48,786 --> 00:19:51,224 Oh, I use this fountain for killing powers. 433 00:19:51,337 --> 00:19:54,376 Plus, it's very good for my skins. But that's not the point right now. 434 00:19:54,489 --> 00:19:57,341 You aren't gonna believe this. Sinbad tried to kill me. 435 00:19:57,858 --> 00:20:00,283 - What? - Sinbad, and the other comedians 436 00:20:00,396 --> 00:20:02,361 were in the rehab center and tried to kill me. 437 00:20:02,474 --> 00:20:05,541 and then Rob Thomas, the lead singer of Matchbox 20, was there too. 438 00:20:05,654 --> 00:20:07,672 Did it make sense? 439 00:20:07,785 --> 00:20:09,111 No. 440 00:20:09,224 --> 00:20:10,942 Time out. Time out. Time out. 441 00:20:11,055 --> 00:20:14,614 - Did you, or did you not meet Sinbad? - Yeah, I met Sinbad. 442 00:20:14,727 --> 00:20:18,183 - Can you prove that stuff? - Yeah, it happens minutes ago. 443 00:20:18,296 --> 00:20:21,380 Memoires are back. The story with the doush bag, 444 00:20:21,493 --> 00:20:22,875 the public eats that shit. 445 00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:24,889 - The memoire thing is gone. - You have to go back there. 446 00:20:25,002 --> 00:20:27,021 No, we can go back. That's too dangerous. 447 00:20:27,134 --> 00:20:30,525 No, Dennis, we have to prove, we have to make photos, we have to sign documents. 448 00:20:30,638 --> 00:20:34,324 - I'm a huge Sinbad fan. I've all his... - Sinbad is not the man that... 449 00:20:34,927 --> 00:20:37,623 I am not going back there. 450 00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:40,333 I hope he's writting something on a windbreaker. 451 00:20:41,706 --> 00:20:43,976 - Okay guys, this is it. - What the hell is this? 452 00:20:44,089 --> 00:20:45,503 It's the rehab center. 453 00:20:45,616 --> 00:20:48,702 That's not the rehab center. That's the rehab center. 454 00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:52,529 Well, this is where they drop me after you guys drop me off. 455 00:20:52,642 --> 00:20:53,920 Everybody, you stay close to me. 456 00:20:54,033 --> 00:20:55,224 Okay? You have to protect me. 457 00:20:55,385 --> 00:20:58,057 Because like most comedians, Sinbad is very angry on the inside. 458 00:20:58,386 --> 00:21:01,185 - Come on, come on. - You think he will autograph my shirt? 459 00:21:01,298 --> 00:21:05,339 He will autograph your face until it gets bloody. 460 00:21:06,548 --> 00:21:09,900 It's like... What is this place, dude? 461 00:21:10,013 --> 00:21:12,748 Hey! Oh, hell, no! 462 00:21:13,202 --> 00:21:15,704 We told you to not come back here, freak! 463 00:21:15,817 --> 00:21:17,203 Where is Sinbad? 464 00:21:17,316 --> 00:21:19,746 You call me Sinbad one more time, 465 00:21:19,859 --> 00:21:22,322 - I will knock you out. - What the hell is going on here? 466 00:21:22,435 --> 00:21:27,536 This dude broke in here, running around, talking about memoires and Sinbad. 467 00:21:28,948 --> 00:21:30,667 So you lied to us, Dennis? 468 00:21:30,780 --> 00:21:34,580 No, I didn't lie. I sware to God, it was all real, Sinbad was here, I swear. 469 00:21:34,693 --> 00:21:37,132 - That's it, I'm calling the cops. - You thought that dude was Sinbad. 470 00:21:37,245 --> 00:21:39,633 Maybe that load in the head did more damage that we thought. 471 00:21:39,746 --> 00:21:42,004 - That's not Sinbad, dude. - I know that's not Sinbad. 472 00:21:42,117 --> 00:21:43,744 Is that a sort of sick fantasy? 473 00:21:43,857 --> 00:21:46,765 No, it's not a fantasy, I didn't make it up, Sinbad was here, I sware. 474 00:21:46,878 --> 00:21:49,699 Guess what guys, the memoires is dead, again. 475 00:21:49,812 --> 00:21:51,866 I can believe you didn't meet Sinbad. 476 00:21:52,053 --> 00:21:54,050 You realize how excited I was to meet Sinbad? 477 00:21:54,586 --> 00:21:58,182 That wasn't a comedian, that was some dude in green pants. 478 00:21:58,295 --> 00:22:01,200 I don't know how all this happened, it all seemed so real. 479 00:22:01,575 --> 00:22:03,542 I need to see a doctor. 480 00:22:05,256 --> 00:22:07,655 No, you don't, bitch! 481 00:22:08,936 --> 00:22:10,581 Wake up! Yeah, you in hell, all right! 482 00:22:10,694 --> 00:22:13,353 - I'm Jesus. - What the hell, man?! 483 00:22:14,091 --> 00:22:16,523 You call me Sinbad one more time... 484 00:22:21,624 --> 00:22:23,615 Yeah, I should definitely see a doctor.