1
00:00:00,885 --> 00:00:02,470
<i>Hey, you guys,
what are you doing tonight?</i>

2
00:00:02,553 --> 00:00:03,735
<i>What the hell kind
of question is that?</i>

3
00:00:03,818 --> 00:00:05,616
<i>Yeah, you're asking us
to predict the future, Dee.</i>

4
00:00:05,699 --> 00:00:07,010
How can I predict the future?

5
00:00:07,816 --> 00:00:09,868
Well, there's a new martini
bar opening up downtown.

6
00:00:09,951 --> 00:00:11,641
I thought maybe we could do
something different tonight.

7
00:00:12,428 --> 00:00:13,588
Where is this shit coming from?

8
00:00:13,671 --> 00:00:15,599
She just watched that stupid
"Sex and the City" movie.

9
00:00:15,758 --> 00:00:17,877
Oh, my God,
when will that show die?

10
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:18,862
Never, apparently.

11
00:00:18,945 --> 00:00:21,816
Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago
when that show first came on the air.

12
00:00:21,899 --> 00:00:23,570
Nobody wants to play
"Sex and the City" with you.

13
00:00:23,653 --> 00:00:24,921
Come on, Charlie.

14
00:00:25,004 --> 00:00:25,999
You know you did it.

15
00:00:26,097 --> 00:00:27,943
- Fess up!
- I did not poop the bed!

16
00:00:29,420 --> 00:00:30,713
- Rewind.
- What?

17
00:00:30,796 --> 00:00:31,632
I'm sorry.

18
00:00:31,715 --> 00:00:33,991
Did you say something about
pooping in a bed?

19
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:36,648
Yeah, there was some poop
in our bed this morning.

20
00:00:36,774 --> 00:00:37,434
Oh, Jesus.

21
00:00:37,517 --> 00:00:38,462
And Charlie did it.

22
00:00:38,545 --> 00:00:39,274
That is bullshit!

23
00:00:39,941 --> 00:00:41,632
Guys, hold on a second.
Relax!

24
00:00:41,715 --> 00:00:43,671
Walk us through what happened.
Nice and slow.

25
00:00:43,754 --> 00:00:46,217
Well, yesterday we wake up and
there's a piece of poop right

26
00:00:46,300 --> 00:00:47,561
in the middle of
me and Frank, okay?

27
00:00:47,644 --> 00:00:49,602
Wait a minute, so this happened
two nights in a row?

28
00:00:50,470 --> 00:00:53,266
So we threw the first piece of
poop out 'cause big deal, whatever.

29
00:00:53,349 --> 00:00:54,651
Accidents happen, right?

30
00:00:54,734 --> 00:00:57,221
But then this morning, there's another
piece of poop in the exact same spot

31
00:00:57,304 --> 00:00:58,730
Now, Frank says it's not him.

32
00:00:58,813 --> 00:01:01,434
I say it's not me, but you bet
your ass it's one of us.

33
00:01:01,517 --> 00:01:02,711
This is a lot to handle.

34
00:01:02,794 --> 00:01:04,663
Now, the second poop,
you held onto it, right?

35
00:01:04,746 --> 00:01:06,013
Brought it along.

36
00:01:06,505 --> 00:01:08,959
Dee, when we said we can't
predict the future, how could we

37
00:01:09,042 --> 00:01:10,353
possibly have seen something
this awesome coming?

38
00:01:10,436 --> 00:01:12,116
Yeah, we're going to have
to clear our schedules.

39
00:01:12,199 --> 00:01:12,657
What?!

40
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:13,934
This is going to require
a lot of attention.

41
00:01:14,017 --> 00:01:15,194
You're not going to go out
with me tonight 'cause

42
00:01:15,277 --> 00:01:17,118
these idiots found
two poopies in a bed?

43
00:01:17,833 --> 00:01:19,410
But it's not the poop.

44
00:01:19,493 --> 00:01:22,180
It's the mystery
behind the poop.

45
00:01:23,135 --> 00:01:25,402
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia 4x07:
"Who Pooped The Bed?"

46
00:01:28,053 --> 00:01:35,638
Synchro : Sososeries
The Bitches Team

47
00:01:37,290 --> 00:01:42,650
/

48
00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,063
Hey, girlfriend!

49
00:01:59,146 --> 00:02:00,710
Oh, my God, you scared me!

50
00:02:00,793 --> 00:02:01,954
Did I? My bad.

51
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,635
Why did you jump out from
behind a car?

52
00:02:03,718 --> 00:02:05,771
- Were you stalking me?
- Girlfriend, you're crazy.

53
00:02:05,854 --> 00:02:07,286
- Stop calling me "girlfriend."
- So check it:

54
00:02:07,369 --> 00:02:08,870
putting together
a girl night out.

55
00:02:08,953 --> 00:02:09,795
Want you to come.

56
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,168
Oh, my God, why would
I ever go out with you?

57
00:02:12,251 --> 00:02:12,700
I hate you.

58
00:02:12,783 --> 00:02:14,882
I know. I hate you, too.

59
00:02:14,965 --> 00:02:17,102
That's the way girls are.
We're catty.

60
00:02:17,185 --> 00:02:20,852
We backstab and talk about each
other behind our backs and stalk.

61
00:02:20,935 --> 00:02:24,307
Don't you remember how Samantha
and Carrie and the dykey redhead

62
00:02:24,390 --> 00:02:25,363
used to do that kind of fun stuff?

63
00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:26,393
I don't know who you're
talking about.

64
00:02:27,001 --> 00:02:28,387
Sex and the City.

65
00:02:29,580 --> 00:02:30,865
You are the worst.

66
00:02:30,948 --> 00:02:32,460
Look, I know you're going to be
alone tonight, okay?

67
00:02:32,543 --> 00:02:34,830
I read all about it in the notebook
Charlie keeps of your whereabouts.

68
00:02:34,913 --> 00:02:36,593
- You don't have any friends.
- I have a ton of friends.

69
00:02:36,676 --> 00:02:37,450
Name one friend.

70
00:02:39,386 --> 00:02:41,306
Frederick is your cat and he
died three weeks ago.

71
00:02:41,389 --> 00:02:43,021
Look, it's all here in the
notebook, so stop busting

72
00:02:43,104 --> 00:02:44,513
my balls and let's go
meet some men.

73
00:02:44,596 --> 00:02:45,135
Give me that notebook.

74
00:02:45,218 --> 00:02:46,025
I'm not gonna give you the
notebook.

75
00:02:46,108 --> 00:02:47,878
Don't reach for the notebook.

76
00:02:48,237 --> 00:02:51,358
I'll give you the notebook if
you come out with me tonight.

77
00:02:53,783 --> 00:02:55,744
- Fine.
- Fine! See you tonight!

78
00:03:15,252 --> 00:03:16,613
You want me to do what?

79
00:03:17,264 --> 00:03:19,438
We want you
to examine our poopie.

80
00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:21,564
We just want to know
who it came from.

81
00:03:21,647 --> 00:03:22,123
That's it.

82
00:03:22,206 --> 00:03:23,984
I mean... Now, we don't
presume to be scientists.

83
00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:25,018
That's why we brought it to you.

84
00:03:25,101 --> 00:03:27,036
We assume there's some kind of test
you can run with some of these machine.

85
00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:29,892
You don't actually have to do
any tests 'cause I already know

86
00:03:29,975 --> 00:03:31,394
it's Charlie's poop and not
mine.

87
00:03:31,834 --> 00:03:34,909
You have a hole in the back
of your pajamas.

88
00:03:34,992 --> 00:03:35,543
It's not my poop!

89
00:03:35,626 --> 00:03:37,078
You've been sleeping
in a giant dress shirt.

90
00:03:37,161 --> 00:03:39,046
It probably just fell out
the bottom of it.

91
00:03:39,129 --> 00:03:41,941
Okay, clearly, we need to figure
this out before it tears us apart.

92
00:03:42,024 --> 00:03:43,984
The only way for us to get to
the bottom of this is for you

93
00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:45,551
to tear that poop apart and tell us
what's inside of it.

94
00:03:45,634 --> 00:03:47,353
You know, get inside there.

95
00:03:47,678 --> 00:03:51,045
You want me to examine a
plastic container full of feces?

96
00:03:53,556 --> 00:03:55,151
I feel like you're going to
say something else right there

97
00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:56,544
and then you stopped, right?

98
00:03:56,727 --> 00:03:57,695
Please get out of my lab.

99
00:03:57,881 --> 00:03:58,984
That wasn't what
he was going to say.

100
00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:00,168
Man, why'd you have to go there?

101
00:04:00,251 --> 00:04:01,195
Look, it's a simple job.

102
00:04:01,278 --> 00:04:02,952
By the way, there's no
reason to be harsh.

103
00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:04,442
Tiny little simple poop test!

104
00:04:04,525 --> 00:04:06,840
You just missed out on an
extraordinary adventure, pal.

105
00:04:06,923 --> 00:04:07,700
Let's get out of here.

106
00:04:07,783 --> 00:04:09,736
There's other ways to
figure this out.

107
00:04:09,995 --> 00:04:10,763
Pussy!

108
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:19,902
You got turd?

109
00:04:19,985 --> 00:04:21,363
Yeah, we got a turd.

110
00:04:21,596 --> 00:04:22,931
I'll take a look at it.

111
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:28,753
Okay, well... it's definitely poop.

112
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:31,146
Uh, yeah, we know that, guy.

113
00:04:32,934 --> 00:04:35,579
Whoever it was seems to have
been eating newspaper.

114
00:04:36,364 --> 00:04:37,837
All right, well, now we're
getting somewhere.

115
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,593
Which one of you idiots was
eating a goddamn newspaper?

116
00:04:39,676 --> 00:04:40,795
It's gonna go both ways, dude.

117
00:04:40,878 --> 00:04:41,913
- Really?
- I'm sorry, yeah.

118
00:04:41,996 --> 00:04:42,898
What else? What else?

119
00:04:42,981 --> 00:04:44,303
This appears to be a piece
of a credit card.

120
00:04:45,012 --> 00:04:46,356
Inconclusive.

121
00:04:46,439 --> 00:04:48,451
How is that not specific
to one of you?

122
00:04:48,534 --> 00:04:50,044
I wish it was, man, but
that's inconclusive.

123
00:04:50,127 --> 00:04:51,296
But you've got to...

124
00:04:51,379 --> 00:04:53,649
There's a good deal
of blood in this stool.

125
00:04:53,732 --> 00:04:54,485
Of course there is.

126
00:04:54,568 --> 00:04:55,971
Whoever's it is should see a doctor.

127
00:04:56,054 --> 00:04:57,222
Well, don't give us judgments.

128
00:04:57,305 --> 00:04:58,950
Just tell us what's in there.

129
00:04:59,033 --> 00:04:59,608
What else?

130
00:05:00,335 --> 00:05:01,603
- This is wolf hair.
- Wolf air.

131
00:05:02,060 --> 00:05:03,470
Also inconclusive.

132
00:05:03,754 --> 00:05:04,413
Jesus Christ!

133
00:05:04,496 --> 00:05:06,716
There is so much wolf hair in
our apartment right now, man.

134
00:05:06,799 --> 00:05:07,851
But why are you eating it?

135
00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:09,368
Well, you ingest everything.

136
00:05:09,451 --> 00:05:10,680
Both of you are eating wolf?

137
00:05:10,763 --> 00:05:11,904
Have you tried it before?

138
00:05:11,987 --> 00:05:12,939
All right, guys!

139
00:05:13,366 --> 00:05:14,485
This is getting us nowhere.

140
00:05:14,568 --> 00:05:15,795
Can we move on
to the DNA test, please?

141
00:05:15,878 --> 00:05:16,842
That's a good idea.

142
00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:17,643
DNA's good.

143
00:05:17,726 --> 00:05:18,578
Yeah, I can't do that.

144
00:05:18,661 --> 00:05:19,279
What do you mean?

145
00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:20,931
- Aren't you a scientist?
- Yeah, do it.

146
00:05:21,130 --> 00:05:22,292
No, I'm an Econ major.

147
00:05:22,375 --> 00:05:23,916
I just wanted to look
at some poop.

148
00:05:24,821 --> 00:05:26,382
You're not a scientist?!

149
00:05:26,465 --> 00:05:27,452
I never said I was a scientist.

150
00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:28,831
Bro, you have wasted out time.

151
00:05:28,914 --> 00:05:29,921
You have ruined our turd.

152
00:05:30,004 --> 00:05:31,426
That's the only piece of
evidence that we have.

153
00:05:36,811 --> 00:05:38,071
Who is she again?

154
00:05:38,254 --> 00:05:39,498
Oh, that's Artemis.

155
00:05:39,581 --> 00:05:42,500
She's the sassy one who always
plays by her own rules.

156
00:05:42,583 --> 00:05:44,076
Guys are playing hard to get.

157
00:05:44,159 --> 00:05:46,305
I'm gonna take off
my bra, blast my nips.

158
00:05:46,388 --> 00:05:47,605
Okay, let's hold on that.

159
00:05:47,688 --> 00:05:50,167
I think what we need to do
is just talk and have fun.

160
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:51,777
Bring 'em to us, you know?

161
00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:54,101
So Artemis, where'd you get
that great top?

162
00:05:54,184 --> 00:05:55,712
Burmington Coat Factory.

163
00:05:55,795 --> 00:05:58,015
I got it on sale.
It's irregular.

164
00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:02,483
Excuse me!

165
00:06:02,683 --> 00:06:04,294
Hi, can we get
three Cosmos, please?

166
00:06:04,377 --> 00:06:05,524
Actually, make mine a water.

167
00:06:05,607 --> 00:06:06,957
Water? We're in a bar.

168
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,392
Yeah, well, I have
a drinking problem.

169
00:06:08,475 --> 00:06:11,171
That's a horribly unattractive
thing to announce to everybody.

170
00:06:11,254 --> 00:06:12,842
I'd like a water, please.

171
00:06:12,925 --> 00:06:14,444
She'll take a Cosmo and
she'll just hold it in her hand.

172
00:06:14,527 --> 00:06:15,830
- That's fine.
- That is a terrible idea.

173
00:06:15,913 --> 00:06:17,802
It's a pretty good idea if you
want to get that notebook back.

174
00:06:17,885 --> 00:06:19,273
Yeah, I'll take a Jager Bomb.

175
00:06:19,356 --> 00:06:20,767
No Jager Bombs.

176
00:06:20,850 --> 00:06:22,105
Fine, Irish Car Bomb.

177
00:06:22,188 --> 00:06:23,050
Sake Bomb?

178
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,209
Nothing with "bombs"
in the name, okay?

179
00:06:25,292 --> 00:06:26,533
Please, the Cosmos.

180
00:06:26,616 --> 00:06:27,651
Go get the Cosmos.

181
00:06:27,734 --> 00:06:28,803
Thanks a lot.

182
00:06:28,886 --> 00:06:29,884
Goddamn it!

183
00:06:30,818 --> 00:06:32,688
Hottie alert at 2:00.

184
00:06:32,771 --> 00:06:33,933
Here they come. Incoming.

185
00:06:34,016 --> 00:06:35,208
Okay, let me do the talking.

186
00:06:35,291 --> 00:06:36,103
What's up, ladies?

187
00:06:36,186 --> 00:06:38,482
Not much, just enjoying the view.

188
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:39,763
Name's Artemis.

189
00:06:40,172 --> 00:06:42,200
I have a bleached asshole.

190
00:06:45,630 --> 00:06:49,306
Okay, it's time to move on to
the reenactment and dramatization.

191
00:06:49,389 --> 00:06:51,150
Jesus Christ, Frank,
you sleep in that?

192
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:52,410
My legs get hot.

193
00:06:52,493 --> 00:06:54,246
Well, I definitely see how something
could have slipped out of there.

194
00:06:54,329 --> 00:06:54,938
Absolutely.

195
00:06:55,021 --> 00:06:56,873
That would have fallen right
out in the middle of the bed.

196
00:06:56,956 --> 00:06:58,575
What about Charlie's hole?

197
00:06:58,806 --> 00:07:01,050
Just get into the bed, please, and
show us how you sleep, guys.

198
00:07:03,512 --> 00:07:05,406
Well, right off the bat,
I think there's a clear solution

199
00:07:05,489 --> 00:07:06,767
could have prevented
this entire thing.

200
00:07:06,850 --> 00:07:08,111
You guys need to get two beds.

201
00:07:08,194 --> 00:07:10,965
Oh, maybe I'll get two TVs
and two refrigerators.

202
00:07:11,048 --> 00:07:12,125
What are you talking about?

203
00:07:12,208 --> 00:07:13,978
Do we come to your house
and tell you how to sleep?

204
00:07:14,061 --> 00:07:16,109
I sleep in a king-sized bed
by myself.

205
00:07:16,192 --> 00:07:18,062
When I have to go to the
bathroom, I use a toilet.

206
00:07:18,145 --> 00:07:20,574
Look at... He... Dennis on
his bed made for kings

207
00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:22,070
with his toilet made out of gold.

208
00:07:22,153 --> 00:07:24,173
Okay, guys, everybody calm
down, please.

209
00:07:24,256 --> 00:07:25,858
This is not about lifestyle.

210
00:07:25,941 --> 00:07:27,312
This is not about judgments.

211
00:07:27,395 --> 00:07:29,031
This is about truth, okay?

212
00:07:29,114 --> 00:07:31,768
Now, Charlie and Frank, show us
how you were positioned

213
00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:32,823
the night of the incident.

214
00:07:32,906 --> 00:07:34,620
Excuse me. Incidents.

215
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,530
All right, well, I'm pretty sure
I was sleeping like this that night.

216
00:07:37,613 --> 00:07:39,217
It's just, like, no way it
could have been me.

217
00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:42,664
Charlie, we sleep ass to ass,
you know that.

218
00:07:42,747 --> 00:07:43,440
Oh, great.

219
00:07:43,523 --> 00:07:45,538
Okay, clearly, we're having
a problem with honesty here.

220
00:07:45,621 --> 00:07:46,648
Dennis, a word.

221
00:07:48,742 --> 00:07:50,231
I hate to say it, bro, but
I think we're gonna have

222
00:07:50,314 --> 00:07:51,650
to do an overnight observation.

223
00:07:51,733 --> 00:07:53,644
Yeah, well, to be honest with
you, I wouldn't mind seeing how

224
00:07:53,727 --> 00:07:55,105
this whole situation really works.

225
00:07:55,188 --> 00:07:56,266
Fascinating.

226
00:08:06,926 --> 00:08:09,897
Well, this just gets weirder
and weirder, man.

227
00:08:13,482 --> 00:08:14,458
Anything?

228
00:08:14,683 --> 00:08:15,542
Nothing.

229
00:08:15,835 --> 00:08:16,869
False alarm.

230
00:08:17,128 --> 00:08:19,390
Damn it, dude, we can't keep
doing this all night.

231
00:08:19,473 --> 00:08:20,675
Oh, I know. You know what.

232
00:08:20,758 --> 00:08:22,181
Why don't we sleep in shifts?

233
00:08:22,264 --> 00:08:24,066
Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying
this isn't important work

234
00:08:24,149 --> 00:08:25,627
- but I can't keep my eyes open.
- No, I hear you.

235
00:08:25,710 --> 00:08:26,694
I hear you. I hear you.

236
00:08:26,928 --> 00:08:28,029
All right, I'll tell you what.

237
00:08:28,112 --> 00:08:30,367
You go ahead and go first.
I still got a little energy left.

238
00:08:30,964 --> 00:08:32,566
I don't know about
this floor, Dennis.

239
00:08:32,649 --> 00:08:33,918
It's covered in sand or something.

240
00:08:34,001 --> 00:08:35,919
No. It smells like some
kind of spice blend or pesticide,

241
00:08:36,002 --> 00:08:38,087
or some other kind of
sandy poison or something.

242
00:08:38,170 --> 00:08:40,168
I don't know. I wouldn't sleep
on the floor, though.

243
00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,160
- You got to sleep with them?
- You got to, you got to.

244
00:08:42,243 --> 00:08:43,562
You sure you're all right?

245
00:08:43,645 --> 00:08:45,515
- Yeah, I'm fine. I got it.
- You sure?

246
00:08:45,598 --> 00:08:48,602
Okay, I'm just gonna sleep for,
like, 15 minutes, right?

247
00:08:48,802 --> 00:08:51,405
And then you wake me up, and
then we'll switch it off.

248
00:08:51,675 --> 00:08:53,420
- You good?
- I'm fine.

249
00:08:54,481 --> 00:08:55,441
My God.

250
00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,055
My God!

251
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:22,523
If we're going to be
meeting sophisticated men,

252
00:09:22,606 --> 00:09:24,100
we need to start
acting with class.

253
00:09:24,183 --> 00:09:26,826
We cannot be telling people that
we have bleached assholes.

254
00:09:26,909 --> 00:09:28,507
He was gonna find out anyway.

255
00:09:28,590 --> 00:09:29,108
Oh, my God.

256
00:09:29,191 --> 00:09:31,864
And you, you shouldn't be
drinking in a shoe store.

257
00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:34,509
You shouldn't be drinking
in a shoe store.

258
00:09:34,592 --> 00:09:36,422
What is the matter with you?
I told you to pace yourself.

259
00:09:36,505 --> 00:09:37,933
I have a drinking problem.

260
00:09:38,016 --> 00:09:39,916
Well, then, you should know how
to hold your booze a little better.

261
00:09:39,999 --> 00:09:42,276
I'll hold your boobs
a little better.

262
00:09:42,359 --> 00:09:43,143
Oh, good one.

263
00:09:43,226 --> 00:09:44,334
Ladies, can I help you?

264
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,045
Hello. We are here for the Manolos.

265
00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:47,935
- And what's your shoe size?
- 13.

266
00:09:49,262 --> 00:09:51,373
We don't carry shoes that large.

267
00:09:51,609 --> 00:09:54,597
Perhaps you'd like to try the
Big and Tall store down the street?

268
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:55,823
You know what?

269
00:09:56,083 --> 00:09:58,921
I don't like this bitch's attitude.

270
00:10:02,596 --> 00:10:05,165
Did she just try and break
a bottle over my head?

271
00:10:05,248 --> 00:10:06,627
No, of course she didn't.

272
00:10:06,710 --> 00:10:08,496
Girls, I'll meet you outside.

273
00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:09,701
Get her.

274
00:10:12,697 --> 00:10:16,051
Okay. Just the littlest bit snug,
aren't they?

275
00:10:17,288 --> 00:10:18,565
There we go.

276
00:10:18,793 --> 00:10:19,777
Cute, though, huh?

277
00:10:19,860 --> 00:10:20,912
How much?

278
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,644
- 700.
- 700?

279
00:10:22,727 --> 00:10:24,346
Yes, well, I'll tell you what.

280
00:10:24,429 --> 00:10:27,133
You pay for quality 'cause there's
so much crap out there these days.

281
00:10:28,076 --> 00:10:31,606
Man, I am excited to bust my
dogs out in these tonight.

282
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,044
We're going to a French
restaurant... Le Bistro.

283
00:10:35,127 --> 00:10:35,874
It's five stars, so...

284
00:10:35,957 --> 00:10:37,536
I don't know if you've been to it.

285
00:10:37,619 --> 00:10:39,272
That sounds great, but
this has been declined.

286
00:10:39,355 --> 00:10:40,373
Declined?

287
00:10:40,456 --> 00:10:41,957
You're kidding me!

288
00:10:42,316 --> 00:10:43,860
Oh! Makes me so mad.

289
00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:47,314
Like, the credit card companies...
the way they waste your time.

290
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,217
Probably protecting me.
I spent a lot of money today.

291
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,185
Try that one.

292
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:52,952
Excuse me.

293
00:11:00,469 --> 00:11:01,370
Oh, God.

294
00:11:03,478 --> 00:11:04,972
Did it not go through?

295
00:11:06,507 --> 00:11:09,971
What motive could a man possibly
have for pooping where he sleeps?

296
00:11:10,546 --> 00:11:13,183
- I love that bed.
- Don't buy this act.

297
00:11:13,266 --> 00:11:15,853
Frank, I will jam that poop right back
up your ass where it came from.

298
00:11:15,982 --> 00:11:16,896
You know in that bed...

299
00:11:16,979 --> 00:11:20,203
Guys, guys, guys, clearly, we're
exhausted and full of emotion,

300
00:11:20,710 --> 00:11:22,708
but we should not be
threatening each other with

301
00:11:22,791 --> 00:11:24,903
jamming feces into
each other's assholes, okay?

302
00:11:24,986 --> 00:11:26,557
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait. Hold on a second.

303
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,552
What if we had them
produce another sample,

304
00:11:28,635 --> 00:11:30,530
and we cross-reference the samples?

305
00:11:32,033 --> 00:11:35,363
They'd have to do it in front
of us so that there's no foul play.

306
00:11:36,418 --> 00:11:37,620
I can't go now.

307
00:11:37,703 --> 00:11:38,654
Really?

308
00:11:38,737 --> 00:11:40,432
I could probably squeeze
something out.

309
00:11:40,515 --> 00:11:42,351
I'll get some newspaper.

310
00:11:42,434 --> 00:11:43,161
This is exciting.

311
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,613
This is very exciting.

312
00:11:44,910 --> 00:11:46,594
Why, of all places, are we here?

313
00:11:46,677 --> 00:11:49,323
Because it's your bar, and
we're gonna drink for free.

314
00:11:49,406 --> 00:11:51,033
Well, damn it, waitress,
that is not what I wanted.

315
00:11:51,212 --> 00:11:54,759
How? How do you still not
know what my name is?!

316
00:11:54,842 --> 00:11:55,551
Oh, I'm sorry.

317
00:11:55,634 --> 00:11:57,104
I'm supposed to
be expected to rember

318
00:11:57,187 --> 00:11:59,599
everyone's name
at all moments of the day.

319
00:11:59,682 --> 00:12:02,455
This is the opposite of where
we're supposed to be.

320
00:12:06,063 --> 00:12:09,051
Oh, Dee, we were just on
the verge of a major breakthrough.

321
00:12:09,134 --> 00:12:10,145
He was turtle-heading.

322
00:12:10,228 --> 00:12:10,987
Turtle-heading!

323
00:12:11,070 --> 00:12:13,049
No, there was no turtles anywhere.

324
00:12:13,132 --> 00:12:14,693
Were you just pooping on the floor?

325
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:15,455
No, I was not.

326
00:12:15,538 --> 00:12:17,933
That was an endurance contest,
which I won, by the way...

327
00:12:18,016 --> 00:12:19,905
- You're paying for that.
- She doesn't have to pay for that.

328
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:21,245
- Yes, she does.
- Bite me, asshole.

329
00:12:21,328 --> 00:12:23,359
You have a bad attitude
when you're drinking.

330
00:12:23,442 --> 00:12:27,454
You have a bad attitude when
you're drinking, you huge-footed slut.

331
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:28,387
You know what?

332
00:12:28,470 --> 00:12:32,050
I'm just gonna go get more wasted,
and then I'm gonna bang some rim, dude.

333
00:12:32,133 --> 00:12:33,385
Really? Could it be this guy?

334
00:12:33,468 --> 00:12:35,046
No, it can't, but it could be Dennis.

335
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:35,939
Pass.

336
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:37,913
Whatever. You know what?

337
00:12:37,996 --> 00:12:39,257
I'm gonna take this.

338
00:12:40,725 --> 00:12:43,848
I'm gonna take this, and
I'll see you assholes later.

339
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:45,709
- That is my notebook.
- Free coffee for a year.

340
00:12:45,792 --> 00:12:47,161
Wait a second.
Where did she get my note?

341
00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:48,681
- You know what? I have backups.
- What is with her?

342
00:12:48,764 --> 00:12:49,999
Something about drinking.

343
00:12:50,082 --> 00:12:51,529
She just won't
stop talking about it.

344
00:12:51,612 --> 00:12:53,507
- What, the plates of shit?
- Somebody pooped the bed.

345
00:12:53,590 --> 00:12:54,525
Whatever. Let's get out of here.

346
00:12:55,585 --> 00:12:58,497
We could use a fresh set
of eyes on this if you don't mind.

347
00:12:58,580 --> 00:12:59,243
No, thank you.

348
00:12:59,326 --> 00:13:02,298
I think that Artemis and I have
much better things to do, thank you.

349
00:13:02,381 --> 00:13:04,617
Actually, I'm just
gonna stick around.

350
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:05,242
Excuse me?

351
00:13:05,325 --> 00:13:06,497
- You know.
- Are you kidding me?

352
00:13:06,580 --> 00:13:08,617
You know what?
Forget it, okay?

353
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:09,735
I'm gonna do this by myself.

354
00:13:09,818 --> 00:13:12,075
I'm gonna go find some classy,
sophisticated people who can

355
00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:14,654
hold their booze, who don't talk
about their bleached assholes,

356
00:13:14,737 --> 00:13:16,798
and who aren't
obsessed with poop.

357
00:13:18,019 --> 00:13:20,764
Okay, bring me up
to speed here, boys.

358
00:13:32,988 --> 00:13:34,507
This is an interesting piece.

359
00:13:35,216 --> 00:13:36,535
I love his use of space.

360
00:13:36,618 --> 00:13:38,855
The space... that's what
I loved about it.

361
00:13:38,938 --> 00:13:41,811
What do you think the chunky
earth tones represent?

362
00:13:42,926 --> 00:13:45,733
Look at the rich texture,
the dimensions.

363
00:13:46,384 --> 00:13:47,647
It's almost as if
you can smell it.

364
00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:48,808
Oh, God...

365
00:13:48,891 --> 00:13:51,136
This is the piece
I was telling you about.

366
00:13:51,219 --> 00:13:52,621
It's unbelievable...

367
00:13:52,704 --> 00:13:56,213
and so raw, so base,
so utterly human.

368
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:58,775
It's almost as if
it exploded out of the artist.

369
00:13:59,796 --> 00:14:01,457
Well... I think it's crap.

370
00:14:02,945 --> 00:14:03,760
Crap...

371
00:14:07,184 --> 00:14:08,150
Crap...

372
00:14:08,319 --> 00:14:09,245
Crap...

373
00:14:11,431 --> 00:14:12,274
Crap...

374
00:14:31,956 --> 00:14:32,682
You know what?

375
00:14:32,765 --> 00:14:35,425
Guys, let's just wrap up the evidence
and start again fresh tomorrow.

376
00:14:36,303 --> 00:14:38,117
You think they'll keep, or
should we put them in the fridge?

377
00:14:38,832 --> 00:14:40,083
They'll keep fine.

378
00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:45,376
You know what?

379
00:14:45,459 --> 00:14:46,837
You guys win, all right?

380
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:47,677
Are you happy?

381
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:48,556
Win what?

382
00:14:50,111 --> 00:14:51,138
Heart failure!

383
00:14:51,438 --> 00:14:52,932
Check the circuit breaker.

384
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,561
Nobody move!

385
00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:01,923
Everyone here's a suspect.

386
00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:05,598
Put on another pot of coffee.

387
00:15:06,483 --> 00:15:08,227
It's gonna be a long night.

388
00:15:16,576 --> 00:15:20,234
Four turds, five suspects,

389
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:24,448
so many, many nameless victims.

390
00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:30,922
The first poop was obviously Frank.

391
00:15:31,005 --> 00:15:33,706
Old and weak, he had
an accident, that's why

392
00:15:33,789 --> 00:15:35,792
he was so intent on destroying it.

393
00:15:35,984 --> 00:15:38,002
There were many turds before
this one, weren't there, Frank?

394
00:15:38,085 --> 00:15:40,661
This was just the first time
you got caught, wasn't it?

395
00:15:40,744 --> 00:15:43,682
And then you went and did it
again the next night?

396
00:15:44,825 --> 00:15:46,038
Or did you?

397
00:15:46,736 --> 00:15:48,334
Two poops in two nights?

398
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:51,741
Tall order for such a short man.

399
00:15:52,082 --> 00:15:56,970
No. The second poop belonged
to Charles.

400
00:15:57,133 --> 00:16:00,037
He wanted to get back at Frank,
but due to his poor diet,

401
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:01,523
couldn't produce a turd.

402
00:16:01,606 --> 00:16:05,046
So he called Mac, who jumped
at the chance to see

403
00:16:05,129 --> 00:16:07,152
Frank humiliated one more time.

404
00:16:07,374 --> 00:16:11,670
But Charlie overlooked the fact that
Dennis listens to Mac's phone calls

405
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:13,643
and he heard every word.

406
00:16:14,096 --> 00:16:17,517
Dennis was jealous that Charlie had
chosen Mac to help instead of him.

407
00:16:17,771 --> 00:16:20,491
He swore to have his revenge.

408
00:16:20,816 --> 00:16:23,618
That's why encouraged Mac
to sleep while he stayed up.

409
00:16:23,701 --> 00:16:26,996
He was going to put the frame on
Mac by pooping next to him.

410
00:16:27,288 --> 00:16:31,001
But he didn't realize that
a futon slept on by the weight of

411
00:16:31,084 --> 00:16:34,952
three men would be off its axis
and slope to the center.

412
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,631
And like a small brown snail...

413
00:16:38,657 --> 00:16:42,454
it crept to the middle between
Charlie and Frank.

414
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:47,913
Deandra! You wanted in on
this poop war from the start.

415
00:16:47,996 --> 00:16:48,798
No, I didn't.

416
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:49,589
The outcast?

417
00:16:50,095 --> 00:16:50,996
The slut?

418
00:16:51,297 --> 00:16:52,240
The bitch.

419
00:16:52,492 --> 00:16:53,452
The whore.

420
00:16:53,961 --> 00:16:56,497
The lonely, sad, slutty,
bitchy whore.

421
00:16:56,985 --> 00:17:00,601
You sat on the sidelines while
these four titans battled it out.

422
00:17:00,684 --> 00:17:04,077
You were jealous that a few pieces
of poop got more attention than you.

423
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:07,978
That's why when the lights went out,
you unleashed some thunder of you own.

424
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:09,566
Thunder of the...

425
00:17:10,017 --> 00:17:11,644
chocolate variety.

426
00:17:13,939 --> 00:17:16,017
Oh, well, that would be
fine and dandy...

427
00:17:16,584 --> 00:17:18,111
if any of it were true.

428
00:17:18,666 --> 00:17:21,219
Can we wrap this up at some point?

429
00:17:21,486 --> 00:17:22,955
In due time, pretty face.

430
00:17:23,831 --> 00:17:25,108
In due time.

431
00:17:27,406 --> 00:17:30,668
Isn't it true you thought you'd been
pooping the bed for months now?

432
00:17:30,751 --> 00:17:33,924
You chalked it up to your old
plumbing and penchant for spicy foods.

433
00:17:34,007 --> 00:17:36,214
Morning after morning, you'd
bury your poop after you rose

434
00:17:36,297 --> 00:17:37,841
to hide it from Charlie.

435
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:41,228
But... convinced that Charlie had
discovered his dirty little secret,

436
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:43,520
Frank pooped the bed again
the next night as revenge,

437
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,330
only a lot more came out
than he expected.

438
00:17:46,624 --> 00:17:48,130
He had gone too far.

439
00:17:48,213 --> 00:17:49,560
I've gone too far.

440
00:17:49,836 --> 00:17:52,153
Due to the size and severity
of the poop, Frank concluded

441
00:17:52,236 --> 00:17:54,742
that Charlie had been pooping
the bed all along.

442
00:17:54,825 --> 00:17:57,196
And so he cleaned up the mess
and wandered the streets,

443
00:17:57,279 --> 00:17:59,819
looking for someone who could
replicate Charlie's small

444
00:17:59,902 --> 00:18:01,384
and malnourished turd.

445
00:18:01,467 --> 00:18:05,158
And that's where he came upon
his old friend, Rickety Cricket.

446
00:18:05,241 --> 00:18:05,875
Get up!

447
00:18:05,958 --> 00:18:09,272
Known the world over for his
ability to replicate any man's stool,

448
00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:13,111
Cricket came back
and committed fecal forgery.

449
00:18:13,712 --> 00:18:15,539
Which leads us to the third turd.

450
00:18:16,212 --> 00:18:18,619
Dennis and Mac thought it'd be
funny to put the frame on Frank

451
00:18:18,702 --> 00:18:20,360
and Charlie,
and so they both pooped.

452
00:18:20,527 --> 00:18:27,061
But, as so often happens, the poop
rolled together and two became one.

453
00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:28,535
A turd merger...

454
00:18:28,769 --> 00:18:32,736
fused together by fear and
hatred... and hair.

455
00:18:33,325 --> 00:18:35,305
But on to the final poop!

456
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,367
A poop that can
be traced back to Dee!

457
00:18:38,770 --> 00:18:40,796
But not to her butt.

458
00:18:41,483 --> 00:18:46,421
The waitress, drunk out of her
mind and furious that Dee had pushed

459
00:18:46,504 --> 00:18:49,509
her back into the arms of
the bottle, pooped in Dee's purse

460
00:18:49,592 --> 00:18:51,337
while Dee's back was turned.

461
00:18:53,973 --> 00:18:58,104
And Dee carried it unknowingly
until she arrived here and the lights

462
00:18:58,187 --> 00:19:01,244
went out and she was startled,
knocking her purse to the floor,

463
00:19:01,327 --> 00:19:03,570
causing the turd
to tumble where it stands

464
00:19:03,653 --> 00:19:05,915
before us, right now.

465
00:19:08,519 --> 00:19:09,870
So, as you can see,

466
00:19:11,957 --> 00:19:15,862
the mystery of who pooped the bed
has been solved.

467
00:19:16,747 --> 00:19:21,943
And yes my friends, in a way,
you're all guilty.

468
00:19:32,032 --> 00:19:33,004
I did it.

469
00:19:35,180 --> 00:19:36,507
- What?
- I did 'em all.

470
00:19:36,590 --> 00:19:37,458
I did all the poops.

471
00:19:37,551 --> 00:19:39,760
- Really?
- Yeah, I did everyone of them.

472
00:19:39,843 --> 00:19:42,844
I even did one, while
she was rappin us, right here.

473
00:19:44,113 --> 00:19:46,017
- Dude!
- Jesus!

474
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:48,928
God! Why would you do that, dude?

475
00:19:49,099 --> 00:19:50,701
Because poop is funny.

476
00:19:53,429 --> 00:19:55,357
I guess poop is very funny.

477
00:19:55,582 --> 00:19:57,318
- Poop is funny.
- He pooped on the floor.

478
00:19:58,053 --> 00:20:00,435
You know what,
well-played my man!

479
00:20:00,744 --> 00:20:02,121
Well-played!

480
00:20:06,060 --> 00:20:07,370
I hate my life.

481
00:20:07,914 --> 00:20:09,950
Seriously dude, don't ever
poop in our bed again.