1 00:00:00,885 --> 00:00:02,470 Hey, you guys, what are you doing tonight? 2 00:00:02,553 --> 00:00:03,735 What the hell kind of question is that? 3 00:00:03,818 --> 00:00:05,616 Yeah, you're asking us to predict the future, Dee. 4 00:00:05,699 --> 00:00:07,010 How can I predict the future? 5 00:00:07,816 --> 00:00:09,868 Well, there's a new martini bar opening up downtown. 6 00:00:09,951 --> 00:00:11,641 I thought maybe we could do something different tonight. 7 00:00:12,428 --> 00:00:13,588 Where is this shit coming from? 8 00:00:13,671 --> 00:00:15,599 She just watched that stupid "Sex and the City" movie. 9 00:00:15,758 --> 00:00:17,877 Oh, my God, when will that show die? 10 00:00:17,965 --> 00:00:18,860 Never, apparently. 11 00:00:18,944 --> 00:00:21,813 Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago when that show first came on the air. 12 00:00:21,895 --> 00:00:23,572 Nobody wants to play "Sex and the City" with you. 13 00:00:23,655 --> 00:00:24,922 Come on, Charlie. 14 00:00:25,009 --> 00:00:25,993 You know you did it. 15 00:00:26,095 --> 00:00:27,941 - Fess up! - I did not poop the bed! 16 00:00:29,425 --> 00:00:30,710 - Rewind. - What? 17 00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:31,632 I'm sorry. 18 00:00:31,718 --> 00:00:33,992 Did you say something about pooping in a bed? 19 00:00:34,156 --> 00:00:36,642 Yeah, there was some poop in our bed this morning. 20 00:00:36,778 --> 00:00:37,432 Oh, Jesus. 21 00:00:37,517 --> 00:00:38,462 And Charlie did it. 22 00:00:38,547 --> 00:00:39,270 That is bullshit! 23 00:00:39,948 --> 00:00:41,632 Guys, hold on a second. Relax! 24 00:00:41,715 --> 00:00:43,671 Walk us through what happened. Nice and slow. 25 00:00:43,757 --> 00:00:46,212 Well, yesterday we wake up and there's a piece of poop right 26 00:00:46,305 --> 00:00:47,561 in the middle of me and Frank, okay? 27 00:00:47,645 --> 00:00:49,603 Wait a minute, so this happened two nights in a row? 28 00:00:50,477 --> 00:00:53,263 So we threw the first piece of poop out 'cause big deal, whatever. 29 00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:54,650 Accidents happen, right? 30 00:00:54,735 --> 00:00:57,220 But then this morning, there's another piece of poop in the exact same spot 31 00:00:57,308 --> 00:00:58,731 Now, Frank says it's not him. 32 00:00:58,815 --> 00:01:01,433 I say it's not me, but you bet your ass it's one of us. 33 00:01:01,517 --> 00:01:02,712 This is a lot to handle. 34 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,661 Now, the second poop, you held onto it, right? 35 00:01:04,745 --> 00:01:06,010 Brought it along. 36 00:01:06,508 --> 00:01:08,951 Dee, when we said we can't predict the future, how could we 37 00:01:09,046 --> 00:01:10,351 possibly have seen something this awesome coming? 38 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:12,112 Yeah, we're going to have to clear our schedules. 39 00:01:12,198 --> 00:01:12,651 What?! 40 00:01:12,746 --> 00:01:13,933 This is going to require a lot of attention. 41 00:01:14,016 --> 00:01:15,191 You're not going to go out with me tonight 'cause 42 00:01:15,278 --> 00:01:17,110 these idiots found two poopies in a bed? 43 00:01:17,835 --> 00:01:19,410 But it's not the poop. 44 00:01:19,495 --> 00:01:22,180 It's the mystery behind the poop. 45 00:01:23,135 --> 00:01:25,400 It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia 4x07: "Who Pooped The Bed?" 46 00:01:28,056 --> 00:01:35,633 Synchro : Sososeries The Bitches Team 47 00:01:37,295 --> 00:01:42,653 www.forom.com 48 00:01:58,085 --> 00:01:59,063 Hey, girlfriend! 49 00:01:59,148 --> 00:02:00,710 Oh, my God, you scared me! 50 00:02:00,795 --> 00:02:01,950 Did I? My bad. 51 00:02:02,128 --> 00:02:03,632 Why did you jump out from behind a car? 52 00:02:03,717 --> 00:02:05,770 - Were you stalking me? - Girlfriend, you're crazy. 53 00:02:05,857 --> 00:02:07,283 - Stop calling me "girlfriend." - So check it: 54 00:02:07,367 --> 00:02:08,871 putting together a girl night out. 55 00:02:08,955 --> 00:02:09,791 Want you to come. 56 00:02:09,965 --> 00:02:12,163 Oh, my God, why would I ever go out with you? 57 00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:12,701 I hate you. 58 00:02:12,785 --> 00:02:14,881 I know. I hate you, too. 59 00:02:14,965 --> 00:02:17,100 That's the way girls are. We're catty. 60 00:02:17,188 --> 00:02:20,852 We backstab and talk about each other behind our backs and stalk. 61 00:02:20,935 --> 00:02:24,300 Don't you remember how Samantha and Carrie and the dykey redhead 62 00:02:24,397 --> 00:02:25,361 used to do that kind of fun stuff? 63 00:02:25,445 --> 00:02:26,392 I don't know who you're talking about. 64 00:02:27,008 --> 00:02:28,381 Sex and the City. 65 00:02:29,586 --> 00:02:30,861 You are the worst. 66 00:02:30,946 --> 00:02:32,460 Look, I know you're going to be alone tonight, okay? 67 00:02:32,546 --> 00:02:34,832 I read all about it in the notebook Charlie keeps of your whereabouts. 68 00:02:34,917 --> 00:02:36,592 - You don't have any friends. - I have a ton of friends. 69 00:02:36,678 --> 00:02:37,453 Name one friend. 70 00:02:39,386 --> 00:02:41,303 Frederick is your cat and he died three weeks ago. 71 00:02:41,388 --> 00:02:43,020 Look, it's all here in the notebook, so stop busting 72 00:02:43,106 --> 00:02:44,513 my balls and let's go meet some men. 73 00:02:44,595 --> 00:02:45,130 Give me that notebook. 74 00:02:45,217 --> 00:02:46,022 I'm not gonna give you the notebook. 75 00:02:46,108 --> 00:02:47,873 Don't reach for the notebook. 76 00:02:48,237 --> 00:02:51,352 I'll give you the notebook if you come out with me tonight. 77 00:02:53,786 --> 00:02:55,743 - Fine. - Fine! See you tonight! 78 00:03:15,257 --> 00:03:16,610 You want me to do what? 79 00:03:17,266 --> 00:03:19,433 We want you to examine our poopie. 80 00:03:19,746 --> 00:03:21,560 We just want to know who it came from. 81 00:03:21,647 --> 00:03:22,120 That's it. 82 00:03:22,206 --> 00:03:23,981 I mean... Now, we don't presume to be scientists. 83 00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:25,012 That's why we brought it to you. 84 00:03:25,107 --> 00:03:27,031 We assume there's some kind of test you can run with some of these machine. 85 00:03:27,117 --> 00:03:29,893 You don't actually have to do any tests 'cause I already know 86 00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,390 it's Charlie's poop and not mine. 87 00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:34,902 You have a hole in the back of your pajamas. 88 00:03:34,997 --> 00:03:35,540 It's not my poop! 89 00:03:35,627 --> 00:03:37,071 You've been sleeping in a giant dress shirt. 90 00:03:37,168 --> 00:03:39,042 It probably just fell out the bottom of it. 91 00:03:39,128 --> 00:03:41,941 Okay, clearly, we need to figure this out before it tears us apart. 92 00:03:42,028 --> 00:03:43,982 The only way for us to get to the bottom of this is for you 93 00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:45,552 to tear that poop apart and tell us what's inside of it. 94 00:03:45,637 --> 00:03:47,350 You know, get inside there. 95 00:03:47,678 --> 00:03:51,040 You want me to examine a plastic container full of feces? 96 00:03:53,555 --> 00:03:55,152 I feel like you're going to say something else right there 97 00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:56,542 and then you stopped, right? 98 00:03:56,727 --> 00:03:57,693 Please get out of my lab. 99 00:03:57,886 --> 00:03:58,980 That wasn't what he was going to say. 100 00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:00,160 Man, why'd you have to go there? 101 00:04:00,257 --> 00:04:01,191 Look, it's a simple job. 102 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:02,952 By the way, there's no reason to be harsh. 103 00:04:03,038 --> 00:04:04,441 Tiny little simple poop test! 104 00:04:04,526 --> 00:04:06,843 You just missed out on an extraordinary adventure, pal. 105 00:04:06,926 --> 00:04:07,700 Let's get out of here. 106 00:04:07,787 --> 00:04:09,731 There's other ways to figure this out. 107 00:04:09,995 --> 00:04:10,763 Pussy! 108 00:04:18,827 --> 00:04:19,903 You got turd? 109 00:04:19,985 --> 00:04:21,361 Yeah, we got a turd. 110 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:22,932 I'll take a look at it. 111 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:28,753 Okay, well... it's definitely poop. 112 00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:31,141 Uh, yeah, we know that, guy. 113 00:04:32,937 --> 00:04:35,570 Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper. 114 00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:37,833 All right, well, now we're getting somewhere. 115 00:04:37,925 --> 00:04:39,593 Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper? 116 00:04:39,678 --> 00:04:40,792 It's gonna go both ways, dude. 117 00:04:40,877 --> 00:04:41,912 - Really? - I'm sorry, yeah. 118 00:04:41,997 --> 00:04:42,891 What else? What else? 119 00:04:42,987 --> 00:04:44,303 This appears to be a piece of a credit card. 120 00:04:45,017 --> 00:04:46,353 Inconclusive. 121 00:04:46,438 --> 00:04:48,452 How is that not specific to one of you? 122 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,041 I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive. 123 00:04:50,125 --> 00:04:51,292 But you've got to... 124 00:04:51,376 --> 00:04:53,640 There's a good deal of blood in this stool. 125 00:04:53,738 --> 00:04:54,482 Of course there is. 126 00:04:54,565 --> 00:04:55,971 Whoever's it is should see a doctor. 127 00:04:56,056 --> 00:04:57,221 Well, don't give us judgments. 128 00:04:57,308 --> 00:04:58,952 Just tell us what's in there. 129 00:04:59,038 --> 00:04:59,602 What else? 130 00:05:00,336 --> 00:05:01,600 - This is wolf hair. - Wolf air. 131 00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:03,473 Also inconclusive. 132 00:05:03,755 --> 00:05:04,411 Jesus Christ! 133 00:05:04,498 --> 00:05:06,713 There is so much wolf hair in our apartment right now, man. 134 00:05:06,795 --> 00:05:07,850 But why are you eating it? 135 00:05:07,938 --> 00:05:09,362 Well, you ingest everything. 136 00:05:09,455 --> 00:05:10,682 Both of you are eating wolf? 137 00:05:10,766 --> 00:05:11,901 Have you tried it before? 138 00:05:11,987 --> 00:05:12,933 All right, guys! 139 00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:14,483 This is getting us nowhere. 140 00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:15,791 Can we move on to the DNA test, please? 141 00:05:15,878 --> 00:05:16,843 That's a good idea. 142 00:05:16,928 --> 00:05:17,642 DNA's good. 143 00:05:17,727 --> 00:05:18,570 Yeah, I can't do that. 144 00:05:18,664 --> 00:05:19,273 What do you mean? 145 00:05:19,365 --> 00:05:20,932 - Aren't you a scientist? - Yeah, do it. 146 00:05:21,205 --> 00:05:22,292 No, I'm an Econ major. 147 00:05:22,379 --> 00:05:23,912 I just wanted to look at some poop. 148 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,381 You're not a scientist?! 149 00:05:26,468 --> 00:05:27,451 I never said I was a scientist. 150 00:05:27,535 --> 00:05:28,833 Bro, you have wasted out time. 151 00:05:28,916 --> 00:05:29,923 You have ruined our turd. 152 00:05:30,006 --> 00:05:31,422 That's the only piece of evidence that we have. 153 00:05:36,816 --> 00:05:38,071 Who is she again? 154 00:05:38,257 --> 00:05:39,491 Oh, that's Artemis. 155 00:05:39,588 --> 00:05:42,501 She's the sassy one who always plays by her own rules. 156 00:05:42,588 --> 00:05:44,071 Guys are playing hard to get. 157 00:05:44,155 --> 00:05:46,303 I'm gonna take off my bra, blast my nips. 158 00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:47,602 Okay, let's hold on that. 159 00:05:47,688 --> 00:05:50,161 I think what we need to do is just talk and have fun. 160 00:05:50,255 --> 00:05:51,771 Bring 'em to us, you know? 161 00:05:51,867 --> 00:05:54,101 So Artemis, where'd you get that great top? 162 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,713 Burmington Coat Factory. 163 00:05:55,795 --> 00:05:58,013 I got it on sale. It's irregular. 164 00:06:01,545 --> 00:06:02,481 Excuse me! 165 00:06:02,688 --> 00:06:04,290 Hi, can we get three Cosmos, please? 166 00:06:04,375 --> 00:06:05,523 Actually, make mine a water. 167 00:06:05,605 --> 00:06:06,951 Water? We're in a bar. 168 00:06:07,047 --> 00:06:08,392 Yeah, well, I have a drinking problem. 169 00:06:08,477 --> 00:06:11,171 That's a horribly unattractive thing to announce to everybody. 170 00:06:11,255 --> 00:06:12,840 I'd like a water, please. 171 00:06:12,927 --> 00:06:14,440 She'll take a Cosmo and she'll just hold it in her hand. 172 00:06:14,527 --> 00:06:15,833 - That's fine. - That is a terrible idea. 173 00:06:15,917 --> 00:06:17,802 It's a pretty good idea if you want to get that notebook back. 174 00:06:17,885 --> 00:06:19,270 Yeah, I'll take a Jager Bomb. 175 00:06:19,357 --> 00:06:20,760 No Jager Bombs. 176 00:06:20,855 --> 00:06:22,100 Fine, Irish Car Bomb. 177 00:06:22,187 --> 00:06:23,051 Sake Bomb? 178 00:06:23,135 --> 00:06:25,201 Nothing with "bombs" in the name, okay? 179 00:06:25,298 --> 00:06:26,531 Please, the Cosmos. 180 00:06:26,617 --> 00:06:27,650 Go get the Cosmos. 181 00:06:27,738 --> 00:06:28,803 Thanks a lot. 182 00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:29,882 Goddamn it! 183 00:06:30,816 --> 00:06:32,681 Hottie alert at 2:00. 184 00:06:32,776 --> 00:06:33,930 Here they come. Incoming. 185 00:06:34,018 --> 00:06:35,200 Okay, let me do the talking. 186 00:06:35,298 --> 00:06:36,103 What's up, ladies? 187 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:38,482 Not much, just enjoying the view. 188 00:06:38,567 --> 00:06:39,763 Name's Artemis. 189 00:06:40,176 --> 00:06:42,203 I have a bleached asshole. 190 00:06:45,636 --> 00:06:49,302 Okay, it's time to move on to the reenactment and dramatization. 191 00:06:49,385 --> 00:06:51,153 Jesus Christ, Frank, you sleep in that? 192 00:06:51,288 --> 00:06:52,413 My legs get hot. 193 00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:54,243 Well, I definitely see how something could have slipped out of there. 194 00:06:54,328 --> 00:06:54,932 Absolutely. 195 00:06:55,026 --> 00:06:56,871 That would have fallen right out in the middle of the bed. 196 00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:58,571 What about Charlie's hole? 197 00:06:58,805 --> 00:07:01,051 Just get into the bed, please, and show us how you sleep, guys. 198 00:07:03,518 --> 00:07:05,401 Well, right off the bat, I think there's a clear solution 199 00:07:05,487 --> 00:07:06,763 could have prevented this entire thing. 200 00:07:06,855 --> 00:07:08,113 You guys need to get two beds. 201 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,962 Oh, maybe I'll get two TVs and two refrigerators. 202 00:07:11,046 --> 00:07:12,123 What are you talking about? 203 00:07:12,208 --> 00:07:13,971 Do we come to your house and tell you how to sleep? 204 00:07:14,068 --> 00:07:16,103 I sleep in a king-sized bed by myself. 205 00:07:16,196 --> 00:07:18,061 When I have to go to the bathroom, I use a toilet. 206 00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:20,573 Look at... He... Dennis on his bed made for kings 207 00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:22,073 with his toilet made out of gold. 208 00:07:22,155 --> 00:07:24,173 Okay, guys, everybody calm down, please. 209 00:07:24,256 --> 00:07:25,853 This is not about lifestyle. 210 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,310 This is not about judgments. 211 00:07:27,396 --> 00:07:29,032 This is about truth, okay? 212 00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:31,762 Now, Charlie and Frank, show us how you were positioned 213 00:07:31,857 --> 00:07:32,822 the night of the incident. 214 00:07:32,908 --> 00:07:34,620 Excuse me. Incidents. 215 00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,533 All right, well, I'm pretty sure I was sleeping like this that night. 216 00:07:37,616 --> 00:07:39,210 It's just, like, no way it could have been me. 217 00:07:39,305 --> 00:07:42,660 Charlie, we sleep ass to ass, you know that. 218 00:07:42,746 --> 00:07:43,442 Oh, great. 219 00:07:43,527 --> 00:07:45,531 Okay, clearly, we're having a problem with honesty here. 220 00:07:45,626 --> 00:07:46,642 Dennis, a word. 221 00:07:48,745 --> 00:07:50,231 I hate to say it, bro, but I think we're gonna have 222 00:07:50,316 --> 00:07:51,653 to do an overnight observation. 223 00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:53,642 Yeah, well, to be honest with you, I wouldn't mind seeing how 224 00:07:53,728 --> 00:07:55,101 this whole situation really works. 225 00:07:55,187 --> 00:07:56,260 Fascinating. 226 00:08:06,926 --> 00:08:09,890 Well, this just gets weirder and weirder, man. 227 00:08:13,487 --> 00:08:14,452 Anything? 228 00:08:14,686 --> 00:08:15,543 Nothing. 229 00:08:15,838 --> 00:08:16,862 False alarm. 230 00:08:17,125 --> 00:08:19,393 Damn it, dude, we can't keep doing this all night. 231 00:08:19,476 --> 00:08:20,671 Oh, I know. You know what. 232 00:08:20,755 --> 00:08:22,183 Why don't we sleep in shifts? 233 00:08:22,267 --> 00:08:24,061 Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying this isn't important work 234 00:08:24,146 --> 00:08:25,622 - but I can't keep my eyes open. - No, I hear you. 235 00:08:25,715 --> 00:08:26,691 I hear you. I hear you. 236 00:08:26,928 --> 00:08:28,022 All right, I'll tell you what. 237 00:08:28,115 --> 00:08:30,360 You go ahead and go first. I still got a little energy left. 238 00:08:30,966 --> 00:08:32,560 I don't know about this floor, Dennis. 239 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:33,913 It's covered in sand or something. 240 00:08:34,005 --> 00:08:35,913 No. It smells like some kind of spice blend or pesticide, 241 00:08:36,005 --> 00:08:38,082 or some other kind of sandy poison or something. 242 00:08:38,177 --> 00:08:40,161 I don't know. I wouldn't sleep on the floor, though. 243 00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:42,160 - You got to sleep with them? - You got to, you got to. 244 00:08:42,245 --> 00:08:43,563 You sure you're all right? 245 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:45,512 - Yeah, I'm fine. I got it. - You sure? 246 00:08:45,596 --> 00:08:48,603 Okay, I'm just gonna sleep for, like, 15 minutes, right? 247 00:08:48,805 --> 00:08:51,402 And then you wake me up, and then we'll switch it off. 248 00:08:51,677 --> 00:08:53,423 - You good? - I'm fine. 249 00:08:54,488 --> 00:08:55,440 My God. 250 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,050 My God! 251 00:09:20,188 --> 00:09:22,523 If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men, 252 00:09:22,606 --> 00:09:24,101 we need to start acting with class. 253 00:09:24,188 --> 00:09:26,823 We cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes. 254 00:09:26,905 --> 00:09:28,503 He was gonna find out anyway. 255 00:09:28,598 --> 00:09:29,100 Oh, my God. 256 00:09:29,208 --> 00:09:31,863 And you, you shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store. 257 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,502 You shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store. 258 00:09:34,596 --> 00:09:36,420 What is the matter with you? I told you to pace yourself. 259 00:09:36,506 --> 00:09:37,932 I have a drinking problem. 260 00:09:38,018 --> 00:09:39,910 Well, then, you should know how to hold your booze a little better. 261 00:09:39,997 --> 00:09:42,272 I'll hold your boobs a little better. 262 00:09:42,356 --> 00:09:43,143 Oh, good one. 263 00:09:43,226 --> 00:09:44,330 Ladies, can I help you? 264 00:09:44,416 --> 00:09:46,043 Hello. We are here for the Manolos. 265 00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:47,933 - And what's your shoe size? - 13. 266 00:09:49,265 --> 00:09:51,371 We don't carry shoes that large. 267 00:09:51,607 --> 00:09:54,591 Perhaps you'd like to try the Big and Tall store down the street? 268 00:09:54,687 --> 00:09:55,822 You know what? 269 00:09:56,085 --> 00:09:58,923 I don't like this bitch's attitude. 270 00:10:02,598 --> 00:10:05,163 Did she just try and break a bottle over my head? 271 00:10:05,248 --> 00:10:06,620 No, of course she didn't. 272 00:10:06,717 --> 00:10:08,492 Girls, I'll meet you outside. 273 00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:09,703 Get her. 274 00:10:12,698 --> 00:10:16,050 Okay. Just the littlest bit snug, aren't they? 275 00:10:17,287 --> 00:10:18,560 There we go. 276 00:10:18,795 --> 00:10:19,772 Cute, though, huh? 277 00:10:19,868 --> 00:10:20,912 How much? 278 00:10:20,997 --> 00:10:22,643 - 700. - 700? 279 00:10:22,728 --> 00:10:24,340 Yes, well, I'll tell you what. 280 00:10:24,427 --> 00:10:27,132 You pay for quality 'cause there's so much crap out there these days. 281 00:10:28,075 --> 00:10:31,602 Man, I am excited to bust my dogs out in these tonight. 282 00:10:32,248 --> 00:10:35,042 We're going to a French restaurant... Le Bistro. 283 00:10:35,128 --> 00:10:35,870 It's five stars, so... 284 00:10:35,957 --> 00:10:37,530 I don't know if you've been to it. 285 00:10:37,615 --> 00:10:39,273 That sounds great, but this has been declined. 286 00:10:39,358 --> 00:10:40,370 Declined? 287 00:10:40,455 --> 00:10:41,953 You're kidding me! 288 00:10:42,318 --> 00:10:43,863 Oh! Makes me so mad. 289 00:10:43,948 --> 00:10:47,310 Like, the credit card companies... the way they waste your time. 290 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,211 Probably protecting me. I spent a lot of money today. 291 00:10:49,307 --> 00:10:50,180 Try that one. 292 00:10:51,815 --> 00:10:52,953 Excuse me. 293 00:11:00,466 --> 00:11:01,370 Oh, God. 294 00:11:03,478 --> 00:11:04,971 Did it not go through? 295 00:11:06,505 --> 00:11:09,970 What motive could a man possibly have for pooping where he sleeps? 296 00:11:10,546 --> 00:11:13,182 - I love that bed. - Don't buy this act. 297 00:11:13,268 --> 00:11:15,852 Frank, I will jam that poop right back up your ass where it came from. 298 00:11:15,987 --> 00:11:16,890 You know in that bed... 299 00:11:16,975 --> 00:11:20,203 Guys, guys, guys, clearly, we're exhausted and full of emotion, 300 00:11:20,717 --> 00:11:22,702 but we should not be threatening each other with 301 00:11:22,795 --> 00:11:24,902 jamming feces into each other's assholes, okay? 302 00:11:24,988 --> 00:11:26,551 Wait a minute. Wait, wait. Hold on a second. 303 00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:28,551 What if we had them produce another sample, 304 00:11:28,635 --> 00:11:30,532 and we cross-reference the samples? 305 00:11:32,037 --> 00:11:35,360 They'd have to do it in front of us so that there's no foul play. 306 00:11:36,416 --> 00:11:37,622 I can't go now. 307 00:11:37,705 --> 00:11:38,650 Really? 308 00:11:38,736 --> 00:11:40,430 I could probably squeeze something out. 309 00:11:40,517 --> 00:11:42,351 I'll get some newspaper. 310 00:11:42,438 --> 00:11:43,161 This is exciting. 311 00:11:43,246 --> 00:11:44,611 This is very exciting. 312 00:11:44,918 --> 00:11:46,591 Why, of all places, are we here? 313 00:11:46,678 --> 00:11:49,323 Because it's your bar, and we're gonna drink for free. 314 00:11:49,406 --> 00:11:51,032 Well, damn it, waitress, that is not what I wanted. 315 00:11:51,215 --> 00:11:54,751 How? How do you still not know what my name is?! 316 00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:55,552 Oh, I'm sorry. 317 00:11:55,638 --> 00:11:57,100 I'm supposed to be expected to rember 318 00:11:57,187 --> 00:11:59,590 everyone's name at all moments of the day. 319 00:11:59,685 --> 00:12:02,453 This is the opposite of where we're supposed to be. 320 00:12:06,067 --> 00:12:09,053 Oh, Dee, we were just on the verge of a major breakthrough. 321 00:12:09,136 --> 00:12:10,142 He was turtle-heading. 322 00:12:10,226 --> 00:12:10,982 Turtle-heading! 323 00:12:11,077 --> 00:12:13,042 No, there was no turtles anywhere. 324 00:12:13,137 --> 00:12:14,690 Were you just pooping on the floor? 325 00:12:14,778 --> 00:12:15,450 No, I was not. 326 00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,931 That was an endurance contest, which I won, by the way... 327 00:12:18,017 --> 00:12:19,901 - You're paying for that. - She doesn't have to pay for that. 328 00:12:20,075 --> 00:12:21,243 - Yes, she does. - Bite me, asshole. 329 00:12:21,328 --> 00:12:23,351 You have a bad attitude when you're drinking. 330 00:12:23,448 --> 00:12:27,450 You have a bad attitude when you're drinking, you huge-footed slut. 331 00:12:27,627 --> 00:12:28,380 You know what? 332 00:12:28,477 --> 00:12:32,052 I'm just gonna go get more wasted, and then I'm gonna bang some rim, dude. 333 00:12:32,138 --> 00:12:33,382 Really? Could it be this guy? 334 00:12:33,468 --> 00:12:35,043 No, it can't, but it could be Dennis. 335 00:12:35,125 --> 00:12:35,933 Pass. 336 00:12:36,027 --> 00:12:37,913 Whatever. You know what? 337 00:12:37,996 --> 00:12:39,250 I'm gonna take this. 338 00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:43,841 I'm gonna take this, and I'll see you assholes later. 339 00:12:43,938 --> 00:12:45,702 - That is my notebook. - Free coffee for a year. 340 00:12:45,798 --> 00:12:47,162 Wait a second. Where did she get my note? 341 00:12:47,245 --> 00:12:48,683 - You know what? I have backups. - What is with her? 342 00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:49,992 Something about drinking. 343 00:12:50,087 --> 00:12:51,522 She just won't stop talking about it. 344 00:12:51,615 --> 00:12:53,503 - What, the plates of shit? - Somebody pooped the bed. 345 00:12:53,596 --> 00:12:54,522 Whatever. Let's get out of here. 346 00:12:55,586 --> 00:12:58,491 We could use a fresh set of eyes on this if you don't mind. 347 00:12:58,585 --> 00:12:59,243 No, thank you. 348 00:12:59,328 --> 00:13:02,291 I think that Artemis and I have much better things to do, thank you. 349 00:13:02,388 --> 00:13:04,610 Actually, I'm just gonna stick around. 350 00:13:04,705 --> 00:13:05,241 Excuse me? 351 00:13:05,325 --> 00:13:06,490 - You know. - Are you kidding me? 352 00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:08,612 You know what? Forget it, okay? 353 00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:09,731 I'm gonna do this by myself. 354 00:13:09,817 --> 00:13:12,072 I'm gonna go find some classy, sophisticated people who can 355 00:13:12,158 --> 00:13:14,652 hold their booze, who don't talk about their bleached assholes, 356 00:13:14,735 --> 00:13:16,791 and who aren't obsessed with poop. 357 00:13:18,105 --> 00:13:20,761 Okay, bring me up to speed here, boys. 358 00:13:32,987 --> 00:13:34,503 This is an interesting piece. 359 00:13:35,218 --> 00:13:36,530 I love his use of space. 360 00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:38,850 The space... that's what I loved about it. 361 00:13:38,936 --> 00:13:41,810 What do you think the chunky earth tones represent? 362 00:13:42,926 --> 00:13:45,730 Look at the rich texture, the dimensions. 363 00:13:46,388 --> 00:13:47,640 It's almost as if you can smell it. 364 00:13:47,738 --> 00:13:48,800 Oh, God... 365 00:13:48,897 --> 00:13:51,131 This is the piece I was telling you about. 366 00:13:51,216 --> 00:13:52,622 It's unbelievable... 367 00:13:52,707 --> 00:13:56,210 and so raw, so base, so utterly human. 368 00:13:56,505 --> 00:13:58,773 It's almost as if it exploded out of the artist. 369 00:13:59,795 --> 00:14:01,453 Well... I think it's crap. 370 00:14:02,948 --> 00:14:03,760 Crap... 371 00:14:07,186 --> 00:14:08,153 Crap... 372 00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:09,241 Crap... 373 00:14:11,437 --> 00:14:12,270 Crap... 374 00:14:31,955 --> 00:14:32,683 You know what? 375 00:14:32,768 --> 00:14:35,421 Guys, let's just wrap up the evidence and start again fresh tomorrow. 376 00:14:36,306 --> 00:14:38,112 You think they'll keep, or should we put them in the fridge? 377 00:14:38,835 --> 00:14:40,083 They'll keep fine. 378 00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:45,372 You know what? 379 00:14:45,456 --> 00:14:46,832 You guys win, all right? 380 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:47,672 Are you happy? 381 00:14:47,768 --> 00:14:48,550 Win what? 382 00:14:50,118 --> 00:14:51,131 Heart failure! 383 00:14:51,435 --> 00:14:52,931 Check the circuit breaker. 384 00:14:58,146 --> 00:14:59,560 Nobody move! 385 00:15:00,148 --> 00:15:01,920 Everyone here's a suspect. 386 00:15:04,075 --> 00:15:05,591 Put on another pot of coffee. 387 00:15:06,485 --> 00:15:08,220 It's gonna be a long night. 388 00:15:16,577 --> 00:15:20,232 Four turds, five suspects, 389 00:15:20,966 --> 00:15:24,440 so many, many nameless victims. 390 00:15:28,348 --> 00:15:30,920 The first poop was obviously Frank. 391 00:15:31,006 --> 00:15:33,700 Old and weak, he had an accident, that's why 392 00:15:33,785 --> 00:15:35,790 he was so intent on destroying it. 393 00:15:35,987 --> 00:15:38,003 There were many turds before this one, weren't there, Frank? 394 00:15:38,086 --> 00:15:40,663 This was just the first time you got caught, wasn't it? 395 00:15:40,746 --> 00:15:43,681 And then you went and did it again the next night? 396 00:15:44,827 --> 00:15:46,031 Or did you? 397 00:15:46,735 --> 00:15:48,330 Two poops in two nights? 398 00:15:48,905 --> 00:15:51,740 Tall order for such a short man. 399 00:15:52,087 --> 00:15:56,973 No. The second poop belonged to Charles. 400 00:15:57,137 --> 00:16:00,031 He wanted to get back at Frank, but due to his poor diet, 401 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,520 couldn't produce a turd. 402 00:16:01,605 --> 00:16:05,041 So he called Mac, who jumped at the chance to see 403 00:16:05,127 --> 00:16:07,152 Frank humiliated one more time. 404 00:16:07,376 --> 00:16:11,671 But Charlie overlooked the fact that Dennis listens to Mac's phone calls 405 00:16:11,755 --> 00:16:13,642 and he heard every word. 406 00:16:14,095 --> 00:16:17,511 Dennis was jealous that Charlie had chosen Mac to help instead of him. 407 00:16:17,778 --> 00:16:20,491 He swore to have his revenge. 408 00:16:20,818 --> 00:16:23,612 That's why encouraged Mac to sleep while he stayed up. 409 00:16:23,705 --> 00:16:26,992 He was going to put the frame on Mac by pooping next to him. 410 00:16:27,285 --> 00:16:31,003 But he didn't realize that a futon slept on by the weight of 411 00:16:31,088 --> 00:16:34,950 three men would be off its axis and slope to the center. 412 00:16:35,725 --> 00:16:37,633 And like a small brown snail... 413 00:16:38,656 --> 00:16:42,450 it crept to the middle between Charlie and Frank. 414 00:16:44,125 --> 00:16:47,911 Deandra! You wanted in on this poop war from the start. 415 00:16:47,995 --> 00:16:48,790 No, I didn't. 416 00:16:48,965 --> 00:16:49,580 The outcast? 417 00:16:50,097 --> 00:16:50,992 The slut? 418 00:16:51,297 --> 00:16:52,242 The bitch. 419 00:16:52,498 --> 00:16:53,453 The whore. 420 00:16:53,967 --> 00:16:56,491 The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore. 421 00:16:56,985 --> 00:17:00,602 You sat on the sidelines while these four titans battled it out. 422 00:17:00,688 --> 00:17:04,071 You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you. 423 00:17:04,166 --> 00:17:07,970 That's why when the lights went out, you unleashed some thunder of you own. 424 00:17:08,067 --> 00:17:09,562 Thunder of the... 425 00:17:10,017 --> 00:17:11,640 chocolate variety. 426 00:17:13,937 --> 00:17:16,013 Oh, well, that would be fine and dandy... 427 00:17:16,586 --> 00:17:18,110 if any of it were true. 428 00:17:18,666 --> 00:17:21,210 Can we wrap this up at some point? 429 00:17:21,486 --> 00:17:22,951 In due time, pretty face. 430 00:17:23,838 --> 00:17:25,103 In due time. 431 00:17:27,407 --> 00:17:30,661 Isn't it true you thought you'd been pooping the bed for months now? 432 00:17:30,755 --> 00:17:33,920 You chalked it up to your old plumbing and penchant for spicy foods. 433 00:17:34,005 --> 00:17:36,213 Morning after morning, you'd bury your poop after you rose 434 00:17:36,296 --> 00:17:37,842 to hide it from Charlie. 435 00:17:37,927 --> 00:17:41,223 But... convinced that Charlie had discovered his dirty little secret, 436 00:17:41,315 --> 00:17:43,523 Frank pooped the bed again the next night as revenge, 437 00:17:43,735 --> 00:17:46,333 only a lot more came out than he expected. 438 00:17:46,625 --> 00:17:48,130 He had gone too far. 439 00:17:48,216 --> 00:17:49,563 I've gone too far. 440 00:17:49,837 --> 00:17:52,150 Due to the size and severity of the poop, Frank concluded 441 00:17:52,236 --> 00:17:54,743 that Charlie had been pooping the bed all along. 442 00:17:54,827 --> 00:17:57,192 And so he cleaned up the mess and wandered the streets, 443 00:17:57,275 --> 00:17:59,813 looking for someone who could replicate Charlie's small 444 00:17:59,908 --> 00:18:01,383 and malnourished turd. 445 00:18:01,465 --> 00:18:05,153 And that's where he came upon his old friend, Rickety Cricket. 446 00:18:05,247 --> 00:18:05,871 Get up! 447 00:18:05,957 --> 00:18:09,273 Known the world over for his ability to replicate any man's stool, 448 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:13,112 Cricket came back and committed fecal forgery. 449 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,530 Which leads us to the third turd. 450 00:18:16,217 --> 00:18:18,612 Dennis and Mac thought it'd be funny to put the frame on Frank 451 00:18:18,707 --> 00:18:20,362 and Charlie, and so they both pooped. 452 00:18:20,526 --> 00:18:27,062 But, as so often happens, the poop rolled together and two became one. 453 00:18:27,356 --> 00:18:28,532 A turd merger... 454 00:18:28,765 --> 00:18:32,733 fused together by fear and hatred... and hair. 455 00:18:33,326 --> 00:18:35,301 But on to the final poop! 456 00:18:35,616 --> 00:18:38,362 A poop that can be traced back to Dee! 457 00:18:38,778 --> 00:18:40,792 But not to her butt. 458 00:18:41,488 --> 00:18:46,420 The waitress, drunk out of her mind and furious that Dee had pushed 459 00:18:46,507 --> 00:18:49,501 her back into the arms of the bottle, pooped in Dee's purse 460 00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,333 while Dee's back was turned. 461 00:18:53,977 --> 00:18:58,102 And Dee carried it unknowingly until she arrived here and the lights 462 00:18:58,187 --> 00:19:01,241 went out and she was startled, knocking her purse to the floor, 463 00:19:01,325 --> 00:19:03,572 causing the turd to tumble where it stands 464 00:19:03,655 --> 00:19:05,911 before us, right now. 465 00:19:08,516 --> 00:19:09,872 So, as you can see, 466 00:19:11,956 --> 00:19:15,861 the mystery of who pooped the bed has been solved. 467 00:19:16,745 --> 00:19:21,943 And yes my friends, in a way, you're all guilty. 468 00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:33,001 I did it. 469 00:19:35,185 --> 00:19:36,503 - What? - I did 'em all. 470 00:19:36,595 --> 00:19:37,453 I did all the poops. 471 00:19:37,555 --> 00:19:39,763 - Really? - Yeah, I did everyone of them. 472 00:19:39,848 --> 00:19:42,842 I even did one, while she was rappin us, right here. 473 00:19:44,117 --> 00:19:46,013 - Dude! - Jesus! 474 00:19:46,108 --> 00:19:48,921 God! Why would you do that, dude? 475 00:19:49,097 --> 00:19:50,702 Because poop is funny. 476 00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:55,351 I guess poop is very funny. 477 00:19:55,588 --> 00:19:57,312 - Poop is funny. - He pooped on the floor. 478 00:19:58,057 --> 00:20:00,431 You know what, well-played my man! 479 00:20:00,748 --> 00:20:02,120 Well-played! 480 00:20:06,068 --> 00:20:07,371 I hate my life. 481 00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,951 Seriously dude, don't ever poop in our bed again. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net