1 00:00:02,186 --> 00:00:04,120 Goddamn, I'm bored! 2 00:00:04,188 --> 00:00:06,986 Come on. Let's do something. We're a little busy here, Frank. 3 00:00:07,058 --> 00:00:09,549 What the hell are you reading? In Touch. 4 00:00:09,627 --> 00:00:12,460 In Touch? Why would you read that crap? 5 00:00:12,530 --> 00:00:14,794 We are trying to stay "in touch" with what's happening in the world. 6 00:00:14,866 --> 00:00:16,834 I'm sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed. 7 00:00:16,901 --> 00:00:19,631 You want to be informed? Read a newspaper. Dude! 8 00:00:19,704 --> 00:00:21,831 Nobody gets their news from a newspaper anymore. 9 00:00:21,906 --> 00:00:25,535 Ah, no, no, no. But, Dennis, look. "Plutonium smuggled into Syria. " 10 00:00:25,610 --> 00:00:27,601 That's gonna change my life drastically. 11 00:00:27,679 --> 00:00:31,206 That's gonna change everyone's lives! No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation! 12 00:00:31,282 --> 00:00:34,718 Don't you guys get tired of doing nothin' except sitting around drinking? 13 00:00:34,786 --> 00:00:37,254 What does that mean? Is that a joke? How could you get tired of that? 14 00:00:37,322 --> 00:00:39,256 Heyoh! What's up, bitches? What is up? 15 00:00:39,324 --> 00:00:41,952 Turn the TV on right now, dude! This is huge! Turn the TV on! 16 00:00:42,026 --> 00:00:44,187 I'm gonna be on the news! Oh, my God. 17 00:00:44,262 --> 00:00:46,662 There was an accident today. Then the news talker asked Mac what happened. 18 00:00:46,731 --> 00:00:49,928 And he totally went off! I went off for 20 minutes. It was amazing. 19 00:00:50,001 --> 00:00:52,663 I totally popped. Here it is! Oh, you popped. You're gonna be famous. 20 00:00:52,737 --> 00:00:56,195 Shut up! Shut up! This is Ken Jacobs coming to you from Market Street... 21 00:00:56,274 --> 00:00:58,367 where two buses collided just minutes ago. 22 00:00:58,443 --> 00:01:02,038 We talked to one local resident who had this to say. It was absolutely crazy. 23 00:01:02,113 --> 00:01:06,914 Police are currently investigating the cause of the accident. Back to you, Jim. 24 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:09,043 What the hell was that? 25 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:11,054 Yeah, you really popped. I think you're gonna be a star. 26 00:01:11,122 --> 00:01:13,056 You're gonna be a big star. Be in a magazine. No, no, no. 27 00:01:13,124 --> 00:01:15,388 I talked for, like, 20 minutes about how the traffic system sucks. 28 00:01:15,460 --> 00:01:17,394 And the lights... And that we should only have yellow lights... 29 00:01:17,462 --> 00:01:19,589 because then we can be very cautious but not get stuck in traffic. 30 00:01:19,664 --> 00:01:22,724 It was great. That sounds incredibly dangerous and stupid. 31 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,928 The point is that that newscaster... that bastard newscaster... 32 00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,198 just went in there and cut it all up... Cut you all up, dude! 33 00:01:28,272 --> 00:01:31,366 Just to make his corporate bosses happy, which is bullshit. 34 00:01:31,442 --> 00:01:34,036 Nobody's getting the real news anymore! That's not real news. 35 00:01:34,112 --> 00:01:37,343 Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade? For social studies? 36 00:01:37,415 --> 00:01:39,906 Now, see, that was real news. We didn't distort facts! 37 00:01:39,984 --> 00:01:41,918 We told it like it was. Yes! 38 00:01:41,986 --> 00:01:46,218 Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G. I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats. 39 00:01:46,290 --> 00:01:48,850 That was what was happening! That's what was going on in the world, man! 40 00:01:48,926 --> 00:01:51,258 That was the truth. We'd been throwing rocks at cats for years, Dennis. 41 00:01:51,329 --> 00:01:54,059 We had been! And that's what we were reporting on. 42 00:01:54,132 --> 00:01:56,623 What was happening in the world! We can make better news. 43 00:01:56,701 --> 00:01:58,635 We could, Charlie. You want me to grab my camera? 44 00:01:58,703 --> 00:02:01,672 Yes. Just like the old days. Let's go out there. Let's make some news. 45 00:02:01,739 --> 00:02:05,300 I want in on this action because I am bored to death sitting here. 46 00:02:05,376 --> 00:02:08,106 No, that's a bad idea. Usually when you get involved, somebody gets hurt. 47 00:02:08,179 --> 00:02:13,640 That's ridiculous. I'm just palling around with the guys. How's anybody gonna get hurt? 48 00:02:46,784 --> 00:02:49,719 How much more tape? I just don't want it to jiggle around. 49 00:02:49,787 --> 00:02:52,620 I don't want to put any more tape on it. I'm the one who's carrying it. 50 00:02:52,690 --> 00:02:55,682 What are you guys doing? I've put a light on the front of the camera. 51 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,661 What this does is it makes the news talker look brighter. 52 00:02:58,729 --> 00:03:01,892 It always looked fine when we did it. Frank's got a good idea here. 53 00:03:01,966 --> 00:03:04,992 We're gonna put this stuff on public access TV. 54 00:03:05,069 --> 00:03:07,037 Anybody can get on that! Yeah. 55 00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:08,628 What? Nobody watches that shit! 56 00:03:08,706 --> 00:03:11,038 Dude, there's all sorts of great stuff on public access. 57 00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:16,171 Oh, is there? Well, let's see what kind of quality programming we have here. 58 00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:26,848 What is this? This is public access. 59 00:03:26,924 --> 00:03:29,893 God, that Is so strange. Ew. 60 00:03:29,961 --> 00:03:31,929 Should I turn It off? 61 00:03:31,996 --> 00:03:35,056 No! Well, don't jump to... We'll just keep it on for a little bit. 62 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,726 Let's watch it for a little while. Let's find out what... 63 00:03:39,737 --> 00:03:43,138 Do It. 64 00:03:43,207 --> 00:03:45,437 Get after it, huh? Yeah, yeah. 65 00:03:47,044 --> 00:03:49,808 All right, let's turn It off! Turn It off! Shut It off! 66 00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:52,873 Okay. We're gonna go down to the power plant... 67 00:03:52,950 --> 00:03:55,748 and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer. 68 00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:59,620 Holy shit, dude! I didn't know that! He's making it up, Charlie. 69 00:03:59,690 --> 00:04:03,057 Why would you do that? That's a great story! It scares the shit out of everybody. 70 00:04:03,127 --> 00:04:05,527 Yeah. Everybody will be terrified. 71 00:04:05,596 --> 00:04:09,123 We don't want to just scare people. We want to blow the lid off of real scandals. 72 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,760 Expose real crime and corruption. What? 73 00:04:11,836 --> 00:04:14,805 People don't care about that shit. They want glitz and glamour, celebrities. 74 00:04:14,872 --> 00:04:18,069 They want to read about shit that's gonna help them forget how miserable their lives are. 75 00:04:18,142 --> 00:04:21,202 And pretend like they know what it's like to be famous 'cause that's what everybody wants. 76 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:23,907 Of course everybody wants to be famous 'cause celebrities get everything. 77 00:04:23,981 --> 00:04:27,508 Easiest job in the world. You don't even have to do anything anymore to be famous. 78 00:04:27,585 --> 00:04:30,213 No. Look at Paris Hilton. She's just a dirty, drunken whore. 79 00:04:30,288 --> 00:04:33,086 You could be famous for being a dirty, drunk whore. You're a dirty, drunk whore already. 80 00:04:33,157 --> 00:04:37,059 I'm not. But I could be famous if I just got drunk, went out to a club... 81 00:04:37,128 --> 00:04:39,790 let people shoot some video with their fancy camera phones. 82 00:04:39,864 --> 00:04:43,391 Right. Get a couple of up skirts, a couple nip slips. Boom. You'd be famous like that. 83 00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:46,834 I think I'd like to avoid the nip slips and up skirts. I see where you're going with this. 84 00:04:46,904 --> 00:04:50,465 I'll talk you into it at some point. And I could be famous just by being friends with you. 85 00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:52,338 Absolutely. Great. Good luck with that. 86 00:04:52,410 --> 00:04:55,277 Frank, Charlie and I are gonna go to where the real action is. 87 00:04:55,346 --> 00:04:56,608 Boom! 88 00:04:56,681 --> 00:04:59,149 Why'd you drag us to a place like this? 89 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:02,117 It smells like the bottom of a birdcage. 90 00:05:02,186 --> 00:05:06,282 Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, okay? These places are like prisons. 91 00:05:06,357 --> 00:05:07,756 Like people getting assraped? 92 00:05:07,825 --> 00:05:11,625 What? Oh, my God, dude. No, not like people getting assraped. 93 00:05:11,696 --> 00:05:15,257 People don't want to be here because they feel like... They're getting assraped. 94 00:05:15,333 --> 00:05:17,893 Nobody's getting assraped, Frank! God, man. Stop saying "assraped. " 95 00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:20,597 We're locked and loaded here, man. I'm ready to shoot this thing. 96 00:05:20,671 --> 00:05:23,105 Let's talk to this woman. Yeah, let's go. Come on. Let's move. 97 00:05:23,174 --> 00:05:26,143 Okay, here we go. I'm gonna do, like, a catchphrase thing. 98 00:05:26,210 --> 00:05:29,304 Ready? In, three, two, one. Here we go. 99 00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:33,510 Good afternoon, Philadelphia. This is Mac coming to you live from the Malvin Retirement Home. 100 00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:36,678 Go, go, go, go. Hello, miss. What's your name? 101 00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:38,688 Irvene Simon. 102 00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:42,089 Hello, Irvene. Why don't you tell us what's really going on here? 103 00:05:42,159 --> 00:05:44,093 Cool face. Hold It. Hold It. 104 00:05:44,161 --> 00:05:46,652 Well, I get up around 5:00. 105 00:05:46,731 --> 00:05:50,428 5:30, if it's bingo the night before. 106 00:05:50,501 --> 00:05:53,937 Then I eat breakfast. I like to have fruit. 107 00:05:54,005 --> 00:05:56,530 She steals the grapes! I do not! 108 00:05:56,607 --> 00:05:59,872 Check her purse! I think we've covered breakfast. Let's move past it. 109 00:05:59,944 --> 00:06:02,208 Good save. Then after breakfast... 110 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,339 I like to sit and read recipes. 111 00:06:05,416 --> 00:06:08,442 I don't even know how to cook. 112 00:06:08,519 --> 00:06:12,148 Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene? 113 00:06:12,223 --> 00:06:14,748 My grandson's birthday's on Friday. 114 00:06:14,825 --> 00:06:18,158 No, no. Is there anything about this place that you don't like? 115 00:06:19,597 --> 00:06:21,531 The blacks. Cut! 116 00:06:21,599 --> 00:06:25,194 Cut! Cut that! What are you cutting for? That was just starting to get good. 117 00:06:25,269 --> 00:06:29,831 It was not good, okay? It was the ramblings of a crazy, old racist. Is it hot in here? 118 00:06:29,907 --> 00:06:33,104 I meant to bring this up. How are you sweating so much? It's freezing! 119 00:06:33,177 --> 00:06:35,338 It's freezing! Yeah. They try to keep them alive. 120 00:06:35,413 --> 00:06:38,109 Because meat spoils slower in a fridge. So they keep it cold. 121 00:06:38,182 --> 00:06:40,116 That interview was terrible. It was terrible. 122 00:06:40,184 --> 00:06:42,345 We need a more exciting truth. We do. Yeah. 123 00:06:42,420 --> 00:06:45,787 Let's set this place on fire. Let's burn it to the ground! Now you're talking. 124 00:06:45,856 --> 00:06:47,790 We're not setting a nursing home on fire! 125 00:06:47,858 --> 00:06:49,792 Those curtains would go up like a snap. 126 00:06:49,860 --> 00:06:53,489 No, we need to find a more exciting part of the city. Wait a second. 127 00:06:53,564 --> 00:06:55,725 I know just the place. 128 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,963 The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys! 129 00:06:59,036 --> 00:07:00,833 Okay, okay. Quick conference, guys. 130 00:07:00,905 --> 00:07:03,032 Everyone keep their eyes peeled for drifting. All right? 131 00:07:03,107 --> 00:07:05,575 People here, they love to... Look. Look at this guy. 132 00:07:05,643 --> 00:07:10,706 He's definitely a drifter. He's going to his car and he's gonna slide it sideways. 133 00:07:10,781 --> 00:07:13,249 Oh, my God. And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering. 134 00:07:13,317 --> 00:07:15,251 They always bicker. Which, of course, leads to karate. 135 00:07:15,319 --> 00:07:19,619 Which eventually will lead to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop. 136 00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,624 Shooting lightning bolts out of their fingers. Yeah! 137 00:07:21,692 --> 00:07:24,126 There's the guy that shoots the lightning bolts out of his hands! 138 00:07:24,195 --> 00:07:26,891 He wears the big, straw hat. And he does that. 139 00:07:26,964 --> 00:07:28,898 We're on the same page. His eyes go all white and shit. 140 00:07:28,966 --> 00:07:30,558 Let's do It. And Kurt Russell fights him. 141 00:07:32,636 --> 00:07:34,501 Oh, my God, dude. The smell is overwhelming. 142 00:07:34,572 --> 00:07:36,506 What the hell are these guys doing? 143 00:07:36,574 --> 00:07:39,236 They're just trading fish for other fish is what it looks like. 144 00:07:39,310 --> 00:07:42,302 They're not even bickering. This isn't gonna lead to karate. 145 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:47,646 I think what we gotta do is find one sick guy and do a story about a new pandemic. 146 00:07:47,718 --> 00:07:51,245 No one cares about those kinda things, Frank. This guy looks sick. 147 00:07:51,322 --> 00:07:55,349 That's the same fish they just passed to each other. Like bird flu, fish flu. 148 00:07:55,426 --> 00:07:58,623 We gotta get 'em to fight. They just passed that same fish head back and forth. 149 00:07:58,696 --> 00:08:00,630 You think we could get 'em to fight? Whoa. 150 00:08:00,698 --> 00:08:03,292 Here we go. What's that, huh? 151 00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:06,131 Oh, that looks exciting. Ooh. Let's go. 152 00:08:06,203 --> 00:08:09,639 That's a bunch of people. Let's go. Come on. Charlie, fire up that camera. 153 00:08:09,707 --> 00:08:12,574 I'm doing it. 154 00:08:12,643 --> 00:08:15,077 Can you see sweat? Because I'm sweating a little bit. So much. 155 00:08:15,146 --> 00:08:18,081 Yeah? It's a lot? Okay. What if I do... That's better. Go. 156 00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:21,050 Okay. Good afternoon, Philadelphia. We're here in Chinatown... 157 00:08:21,118 --> 00:08:25,020 where a large crowd has gathered for what can only be a martial arts showdown. 158 00:08:25,089 --> 00:08:28,286 You look scared. I'm not. I'm sorry. I'm just sweating. It's very hot. 159 00:08:28,359 --> 00:08:32,819 Martial arts. Okay. Martial arts expo... Just go in. Go in. 160 00:08:39,470 --> 00:08:41,768 Goddamn it! Love 30. 161 00:08:41,839 --> 00:08:44,034 Whoa. 162 00:08:45,476 --> 00:08:47,410 A pandemic. Bird flu! Bird flu! 163 00:08:47,478 --> 00:08:50,413 I think he's choking, guys. What? He is choking! 164 00:08:50,481 --> 00:08:53,473 Frank, give him the Heimlich! I'm not gonna touch him. I don't know what he's got. 165 00:08:53,551 --> 00:08:56,452 Do you know the Heimlich? I don't know the Heimlich! Punch him in the stomach or something. 166 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:58,954 Okay. 167 00:08:59,023 --> 00:09:01,321 Oh, baby! I did it? 168 00:09:01,392 --> 00:09:03,326 You okay? I did it! 169 00:09:03,394 --> 00:09:07,421 I saved your life! I saved your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah! 170 00:09:07,498 --> 00:09:10,990 That is exactly the kind of stuff we should be filming. 171 00:09:11,068 --> 00:09:13,002 I'm a hero! You got that, right, Charlie? 172 00:09:13,070 --> 00:09:15,163 Yeah. Yeah. I did and I didn't, Frank. What? 173 00:09:15,239 --> 00:09:18,174 I did and I didn't. You were pointing the camera at him, right? 174 00:09:18,242 --> 00:09:21,109 You got it, right? The punch and everything, right? No, I did... 175 00:09:21,178 --> 00:09:25,410 I did point the camera at it. But you know what? I did not put a tape in here. 176 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:27,416 What? What are you talking about? 177 00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:32,012 The problem was that I got the flashlight on. And I taped the whole deal up. 178 00:09:32,089 --> 00:09:34,250 I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in. 179 00:09:34,325 --> 00:09:39,763 I didn't have much more duct tape. So I figured, stick with the flashlight while we got it. 180 00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:43,425 So you never put a tape in? While we were out there taping the guys with the fish! 181 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,492 Oh, my God! See what's happening here? We're getting a yelling... 182 00:09:46,570 --> 00:09:49,903 Yeah, we're gonna get yelling! Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot to put a tape in! 183 00:09:49,974 --> 00:09:51,908 I forgot to put a tape in! 184 00:09:51,976 --> 00:09:53,876 All right, all right, all right! All right. 185 00:09:53,944 --> 00:09:59,314 Here's what we do. We recreate your heroic moment. 186 00:09:59,383 --> 00:10:01,578 That's it. We do it again. 187 00:10:01,652 --> 00:10:03,483 We just recreate it? Yes! 188 00:10:03,554 --> 00:10:07,046 This time we put a tape in... Tape in this time, yes. 189 00:10:07,124 --> 00:10:09,888 Take the light off of it maybe. Yeah, maybe we don't sweat so much. 190 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,623 Maybe we'll wear more makeup. Don't blame it on my sweat glands. That's not fair. 191 00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:15,631 We'll just recreate the whole thing. All right, let's... 192 00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:20,068 And you know, you can... And this time I could... I could look a little bit more heroic. 193 00:10:20,137 --> 00:10:22,867 You could look a lot more heroic, bro. We'll put enough makeup on you. 194 00:10:22,940 --> 00:10:26,671 You'll look like the shit. All right. Let's just make some news, please. 195 00:10:26,744 --> 00:10:28,719 All right. 196 00:10:32,623 --> 00:10:37,583 Ooh! I feel like we've been standing in this line forever! 197 00:10:37,661 --> 00:10:41,062 For like our lifetimes! I don't know if we're ever gonna get inside of this place. 198 00:10:41,131 --> 00:10:43,361 Dee, it's a club. You have to wait in a line. 199 00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:47,200 I gotta be honest with you. I feel like I'm just a little bit too drunk to stand up. 200 00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:49,899 You were supposed to wait and get drunk inside the club, not outside the club. 201 00:10:49,974 --> 00:10:52,841 Nobody gives a shit about a stupid, drunk whore outside of a club. 202 00:10:52,910 --> 00:10:55,435 That's a lot of talking you're doing. I gotta lay down. 203 00:10:55,513 --> 00:10:58,641 Lie down? What are you talking about? What are you doing? Dee? Oh! 204 00:10:58,716 --> 00:11:02,914 Now you're just some stupid, drunk chick lying in garbage. 205 00:11:02,987 --> 00:11:06,354 Night-night. "Night-night"? Night-night. Great. 206 00:11:06,423 --> 00:11:08,516 You want to come in with us? 207 00:11:10,494 --> 00:11:13,861 Uh, yeah. 208 00:11:13,931 --> 00:11:16,126 Here, take this. What is this? 209 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,465 You'll see. 210 00:11:34,952 --> 00:11:40,015 Oh! Oh, my God! 211 00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:42,058 Holy shit, it's bright out here! 212 00:11:46,263 --> 00:11:49,198 Dee, get up. Get up! Come on! What? 213 00:11:49,266 --> 00:11:53,498 Where am I? I'm crashing pretty hard. I need to go home and get some sleep. 214 00:11:53,571 --> 00:11:55,664 What happened last night? 215 00:11:55,739 --> 00:11:59,573 Don't make me into the bad guy. I'm going out of my way to make us both famous. 216 00:11:59,643 --> 00:12:01,543 It's not my fault if you're not living up to your end. 217 00:12:01,612 --> 00:12:06,413 Okay. Well, why don't you take my picture now? 218 00:12:06,483 --> 00:12:08,417 Dee, that's not gonna work, okay? 219 00:12:08,485 --> 00:12:11,386 You're not famous yet. You're just some stupid, drunk chick who slept in her own puke. 220 00:12:11,455 --> 00:12:14,253 Really? We'll come back tonight. Come on. Ride's leaving. 221 00:12:14,325 --> 00:12:16,316 Can... 222 00:12:21,865 --> 00:12:24,891 No, come on. I'm not gonna stand in this big line again. 223 00:12:24,969 --> 00:12:28,132 We don't have to wait in line. Famous, drunk whores, they don't wait in line. 224 00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:30,765 They shove their way to the front and they take a shit all over the bouncer. 225 00:12:30,841 --> 00:12:33,867 That's what you're gonna do. Don't know if I feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer. 226 00:12:33,944 --> 00:12:37,175 You just gotta talk down to him a little bit. Make him feel like he's beneath you. 227 00:12:37,247 --> 00:12:39,909 That way, he'd be too afraid not to let you in. Right? Really? 228 00:12:39,984 --> 00:12:42,646 The guy doesn't want to lose his job. I don't know. 229 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,019 Dee, do you want to be famous or not? 230 00:12:46,090 --> 00:12:48,388 All right? Take a shit on this guy. Okay. 231 00:12:48,459 --> 00:12:50,723 Shove your way. Go. Shove, shove. I can shit on him, I think. 232 00:12:50,794 --> 00:12:54,389 Hey, look out. Jesus, you're in my way! 233 00:12:54,465 --> 00:12:56,399 Move it! Move it! Hey! Okay. Good start. 234 00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:59,800 Short stuff, out of my way. Yeah, you saw me. Hi, there. 235 00:12:59,870 --> 00:13:02,134 What's your name? Dee Reynolds. 236 00:13:02,206 --> 00:13:07,803 You on the list? List? I don't need to be on that list, you idiot. 237 00:13:07,878 --> 00:13:11,473 You piece of dirt. Who are you? I step on you. 238 00:13:11,548 --> 00:13:13,778 I clean you off of my shoes at night. 239 00:13:13,851 --> 00:13:15,785 I step on you, and then I throw away the shoe. 240 00:13:15,853 --> 00:13:19,721 That shoe that I just threw away, that's worth more than your worthless life, mister. 241 00:13:19,790 --> 00:13:23,726 And I am pissed because I loved that shoe. You dirt. 242 00:13:23,794 --> 00:13:26,228 You piece of subhuman shit. 243 00:13:26,296 --> 00:13:28,287 Whoa, whoa. Dee, take it easy, all right? 244 00:13:28,365 --> 00:13:31,528 I'm not gonna take it easy because this talking dump of a bouncer... 245 00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,536 is starting to get on my nerves. 246 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:38,007 I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole. Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea? 247 00:13:38,075 --> 00:13:40,543 Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas? 248 00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:45,776 Is there any kind of thought roaming around in that thick, shit skull of yours? 249 00:13:45,849 --> 00:13:47,612 You with her? 250 00:13:47,685 --> 00:13:49,846 No! Nope. What? 251 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,252 And what is your name? Dennis Reynolds. 252 00:13:52,322 --> 00:13:56,315 Dennis Reynolds? Well, what do you know, Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list. 253 00:13:56,393 --> 00:13:58,827 No, no... Oh, wow. That's awesome. 254 00:13:58,896 --> 00:14:03,026 What? But you're not gonna go in without me, right? 255 00:14:03,100 --> 00:14:06,001 Uh... 256 00:14:11,408 --> 00:14:14,343 Dancing Guy! Oh, I love your show, man. 257 00:14:16,113 --> 00:14:18,138 Wow, Dancing Guy! 258 00:14:18,282 --> 00:14:20,147 Stop pressing so hard. Dude, I have to press hard. 259 00:14:20,217 --> 00:14:22,947 You get so nervous, you sweat through it every time. 260 00:14:23,020 --> 00:14:24,783 Just make sure that it's even. I'm gonna make it even, man! 261 00:14:24,855 --> 00:14:28,518 You need to just start calming down and relaxing a little bit more, man. 262 00:14:28,592 --> 00:14:32,119 I'm very stressed out, Charlie. It's a very stressful situation. Then relax, dude. 263 00:14:32,196 --> 00:14:34,721 Calm yourself a little bit. Hey, hey, hey. I'm sorry. I just... 264 00:14:34,798 --> 00:14:36,891 No, come on, dude. Shh. That's not such a... 265 00:14:36,967 --> 00:14:39,060 Well, it's... Okay? Come on, dude. 266 00:14:39,136 --> 00:14:42,765 Hey, who's that sexy news guy It's Mac 267 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,774 Yes, it's Mac It's Mac. 268 00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:49,302 And he's on the channel whatever we make it on news 269 00:14:49,379 --> 00:14:52,405 Right? We're gonna make it on the TV 270 00:14:52,483 --> 00:14:55,452 All right, here it is. You go into the building. You go into the building. 271 00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,680 You run out. And get the kitties. 272 00:14:57,755 --> 00:14:59,689 With the little box of cats, right? A box of cats. 273 00:14:59,757 --> 00:15:02,225 And you save them. You save them! 274 00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:04,852 I save them from what? 275 00:15:05,929 --> 00:15:07,658 Uh... 276 00:15:07,731 --> 00:15:10,165 Are you gonna set the building on fire? 277 00:15:10,234 --> 00:15:12,031 No! Charlie, are you gonna set the building on fire? 278 00:15:12,102 --> 00:15:13,399 Yes. Goddamn it! 279 00:15:13,470 --> 00:15:14,994 You want the show to be a hit or what? 280 00:15:15,072 --> 00:15:18,769 I am not running into a burning building! It's gotta be exciting! 281 00:15:18,842 --> 00:15:20,935 That's what the news talkers... Come on, dude. 282 00:15:21,011 --> 00:15:24,003 Well, I quit. 'Cause I can't seem to get into any of the clubs. 283 00:15:24,081 --> 00:15:28,177 And if I can't get into any of the clubs, then how the hell am I supposed to get famous? 284 00:15:30,454 --> 00:15:32,046 Three, two, action. 285 00:15:32,122 --> 00:15:34,420 Good evening, Philadelphia. We've just received word that... 286 00:15:34,491 --> 00:15:37,119 a litter of adorable kittens is stranded somewhere inside this building... 287 00:15:37,194 --> 00:15:39,355 that could erupt into flames at any moment! 288 00:15:39,429 --> 00:15:41,989 Who will save them? Good, good. 289 00:15:42,065 --> 00:15:44,465 Now shoot the building now. What? Okay. 290 00:15:44,535 --> 00:15:46,560 Who will save them? Move, dude! 291 00:15:46,637 --> 00:15:48,935 I know, but I'm saying... If I could get into the... Go. 292 00:15:49,006 --> 00:15:50,940 Calm down, calm down, calm down, dude! 293 00:15:51,008 --> 00:15:53,374 So I just go grab the box of kittens and run out? 294 00:15:53,443 --> 00:15:57,607 Yeah. That's all there is to it. You'll be famous. Everybody loves a hero. 295 00:15:57,681 --> 00:15:59,581 Okay. Sounds easy enough. 296 00:15:59,650 --> 00:16:01,641 Get to it. 297 00:16:04,621 --> 00:16:08,022 It smells overwhelmingly like kerosene in here! 298 00:16:08,091 --> 00:16:10,924 Uhhuh. 299 00:16:14,198 --> 00:16:16,666 I cannot believe you guys. I could've been killed! 300 00:16:16,733 --> 00:16:18,758 Somebody had to save those kittens. 301 00:16:18,836 --> 00:16:21,270 They were trapped inside a burning building, Deandra. 302 00:16:21,338 --> 00:16:24,000 You set me on fire! We set the building on fire. 303 00:16:24,074 --> 00:16:26,599 You just happened to catch on fire. Barely. 304 00:16:26,677 --> 00:16:28,235 Yeah, we put you out. That's right. 305 00:16:28,312 --> 00:16:32,271 I'm on fire! I'm on fire! 306 00:16:32,349 --> 00:16:34,476 Well, I do look really heroic. 307 00:16:34,551 --> 00:16:37,679 No, you do not look heroic! You threw the box of kittens. How do you figure? 308 00:16:37,754 --> 00:16:40,245 I was on fire! 309 00:16:40,324 --> 00:16:42,849 We gotta shoot this shit again. Yeah, like fire hurts. 310 00:16:42,926 --> 00:16:45,326 All right. 311 00:16:45,395 --> 00:16:47,920 Hey, Dancing Guy! That's the man. 312 00:16:47,998 --> 00:16:51,627 Now this is entertainment. Oh. 313 00:16:51,702 --> 00:16:54,466 I can't believe... It doesn't make any sense, man. 314 00:16:54,538 --> 00:16:57,598 It's, like, what is he... 315 00:16:57,674 --> 00:17:02,204 What's the time? Diaper Time! 316 00:17:02,279 --> 00:17:04,213 Whoa! What? 317 00:17:04,281 --> 00:17:06,476 That is weird. 318 00:17:09,586 --> 00:17:11,520 They're really stepping up the insanity here. 319 00:17:11,588 --> 00:17:14,182 Where do they find these people? Look at these people. 320 00:17:14,258 --> 00:17:19,787 Do you not find this sad and embarrassing for them? Those people are pieces of shit. 321 00:17:19,863 --> 00:17:23,390 But I want to watch it. So much and so often I want to watch it. 322 00:17:23,467 --> 00:17:25,901 I think we should throw parties and just sort of watch it together. 323 00:17:25,969 --> 00:17:29,461 Because this is television at its best. Definitely. 324 00:17:33,443 --> 00:17:35,377 People love well stories. Really? 325 00:17:35,445 --> 00:17:37,379 Yes! I feel like well stories are played out. 326 00:17:37,447 --> 00:17:39,381 Who gets stuck in a well anymore? Kittens do. 327 00:17:39,449 --> 00:17:42,850 Kittens? You guys put those kitties in there? 328 00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,252 What else were we supposed to put down there, Dee? Oh, man! 329 00:17:45,322 --> 00:17:47,950 All right, fine. I'll do it. But don't set it on fire, okay? 330 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,960 I feel like this is dangerous enough. Deandra, use your head. 331 00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:54,122 How are we gonna set a well on fire? It's filled with water. 332 00:17:54,197 --> 00:17:55,789 Huh? Get in the well! 333 00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,767 I'm going! Save the kittens! Save the day! 334 00:17:58,835 --> 00:18:00,928 Give me the matches. Yep. 335 00:18:01,004 --> 00:18:03,268 I found the kittens! 336 00:18:04,308 --> 00:18:07,038 Oh, come on! 337 00:18:07,110 --> 00:18:09,044 Okay, it's all good through here. 338 00:18:11,315 --> 00:18:14,478 Hey! There you go. She throws the kittens in every take. 339 00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:19,011 Oh, she loves to ruin and ruin and ruin and ruin. 340 00:18:19,089 --> 00:18:21,489 Do you guys mind keeping it down a little bit? 341 00:18:21,558 --> 00:18:23,685 It's 5:00 in the afternoon. What the hell? 342 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,890 I was at the club all night. What? Are you turning into a club kid now? 343 00:18:27,965 --> 00:18:32,459 Oh, man. You guys should've been there, man. Everybody was there. It was so awesome. 344 00:18:32,536 --> 00:18:36,768 We've been trying to turn Dee into a hero by, like, getting her to rescue kittens... 345 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,070 in compromising situations. 346 00:18:39,142 --> 00:18:40,973 But she messes up every time! 347 00:18:41,044 --> 00:18:44,070 Hey, what if we set up, like, a conveyor belt situation, right? 348 00:18:44,147 --> 00:18:48,447 Put the cats on that. And then at the end of it, a chopping mechanism. 349 00:18:48,518 --> 00:18:51,487 Oh, yeah! Let's chop cats! Hey! This is good! 350 00:18:51,555 --> 00:18:53,147 No. Let's chop cats! 351 00:18:53,223 --> 00:18:57,284 We don't actually chop the cats. Dee grabs them before they get chopped. 352 00:18:57,361 --> 00:18:59,955 We'll chop a couple cats so that you know it's real. No. 353 00:19:00,030 --> 00:19:04,228 I don't think anybody's really gonna give a shit about a nobody saving a bunch of kittens. 354 00:19:04,301 --> 00:19:07,327 But a celebrity saving cats... Then you got a story. 355 00:19:07,404 --> 00:19:10,862 So what are you suggesting? I'm building up quite a reputation around town. 356 00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:13,136 Especially in the club scene. With my connections... 357 00:19:13,210 --> 00:19:15,440 I could probably finally get Dee into some of those clubs. 358 00:19:15,512 --> 00:19:18,276 Once she's in those clubs, I can turn her into a celebrity. 359 00:19:18,348 --> 00:19:20,680 And once she's a celebrity, you guys got a story. 360 00:19:20,751 --> 00:19:24,812 You think she's gonna go for that? She's pissed at you, bro, for ditching her there. 361 00:19:24,888 --> 00:19:28,949 I don't think Dee's that desperate to get famous. I mean, nobody's that pathetic. 362 00:19:29,026 --> 00:19:31,119 I can't believe how famous I'm about to be! 363 00:19:31,194 --> 00:19:33,856 Run off to the bathroom and cram a couple fingers down your throat. 364 00:19:33,930 --> 00:19:35,864 Bulimia's really big with this crowd. 365 00:19:35,932 --> 00:19:38,127 I just tried, but I've been throwing up all day long. 366 00:19:38,201 --> 00:19:40,328 I don't think I have any food left inside of me. 367 00:19:40,404 --> 00:19:42,895 Well, try harder. Because it's really important, all right? 368 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:45,669 Yeah. Okay. If only just for show. 369 00:19:45,742 --> 00:19:49,075 Dennis! Hey! Hey! These are the girls. Don't screw this up. 370 00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:51,546 These girls can make or break you in this town. 371 00:19:51,615 --> 00:19:54,516 Hey. You look gorgeous. 372 00:19:54,584 --> 00:19:56,552 Hey, listen, ladies. This is my sister. 373 00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:59,885 Notice how disgustingly skinny she is. Isn't it weird? 374 00:19:59,956 --> 00:20:02,481 Oh, my God! You are like crack skinny! 375 00:20:02,559 --> 00:20:04,493 Oh! Okay! That's a compliment. 376 00:20:04,561 --> 00:20:07,394 She throws up all the time. Oh, my God. I just got done. 377 00:20:07,464 --> 00:20:09,557 I'm sorry if my breath stinks. 378 00:20:09,633 --> 00:20:12,466 Hey, Dennis, want one? Maybe not tonight, ladies. 379 00:20:12,536 --> 00:20:14,470 I'm kinda working on something. 380 00:20:14,538 --> 00:20:18,372 Oh, come on. Don't be a loser. Yeah! 381 00:20:18,442 --> 00:20:21,275 Well, uh, all right. Yeah, maybe just one. 382 00:20:21,344 --> 00:20:23,642 Do you have one for my sister too? 383 00:20:23,713 --> 00:20:26,580 Sure. What is it? 384 00:20:26,650 --> 00:20:28,914 You'll see. 385 00:20:30,287 --> 00:20:33,415 Chop, chop, chop. Good! Good! 386 00:20:33,490 --> 00:20:36,891 The cat's dead. I don't see any problems with that other than the fact... 387 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,087 that the camera might see my hand killing the cat. 388 00:20:39,162 --> 00:20:41,926 We're gonna pull the cat out of there before it gets to the chopper. 389 00:20:41,998 --> 00:20:44,762 But if Sweet Dee doesn't make it in time, you're gonna see me chop the cat. 390 00:20:44,835 --> 00:20:47,565 Just don't drop the cat. I can't make that promise. 391 00:20:47,637 --> 00:20:50,868 Come on. Whoa! Where have you guys been? You look like shit. 392 00:20:50,941 --> 00:20:53,068 I don't want to talk about that. Did you become celebrities yet? 393 00:20:53,143 --> 00:20:56,601 We're not doing the celebrity thing anymore. We're done with that. 394 00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,410 No. We need you guys. 'Cause we got this great chopping mechanism. 395 00:20:59,483 --> 00:21:02,247 It's for the news show. There is no news show, Charlie! 396 00:21:02,319 --> 00:21:05,117 Yes, there is a news show, Dennis! We're gonna put it on public access! 397 00:21:05,188 --> 00:21:07,748 Nobody watches public access. I don't want to be on public access. 398 00:21:07,824 --> 00:21:10,486 What? 399 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:13,427 Hey! Hey, Dancing Guy's on! No, no, no, no! 400 00:21:13,497 --> 00:21:17,524 Turn that off! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Dancing Guy's a great show. 401 00:21:17,601 --> 00:21:21,059 Charlie. No, Charlie. Turn it off, man. Turn it off! 402 00:21:21,138 --> 00:21:25,097 What's the time? Diaper Time! What's the time? Diaper Time! 403 00:21:35,819 --> 00:21:38,788 Congratulations, guys. You're famous.