1 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,471 What about this plague? Rumours say it's worse than ever. 2 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:20,031 Now we've found out about the rats, we'll never have plague again. 3 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:23,749 They say that a rat a day keeps the plague away. 4 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:29,597 - No more plague in our lifetime. - I hope you're right. 5 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:38,429 - Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you. - Doing what? 6 00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:42,638 I'm afraid Father's feeling a bit under the weather. 7 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,029 Oh, dear. Any idea what? 8 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:47,588 Not sure. I think it's Black Death, 9 00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:51,958 but I am sure he'd appreciate a little visit from you. 10 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:56,511 Well, I'm sure I can pop my head around the door. 11 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,194 Sort of nowish. 12 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,190 Mother, would you like to...? 13 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:05,316 No, dear. He won't let me near him. 14 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,277 Oh. 15 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,036 Slaaay! 16 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:13,111 How is he? 17 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:15,430 Well, he's up. 18 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:20,672 We face today the gravest crisis this country has known 19 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:24,355 - since the Roman invasion! - (All shout agreement) 20 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,556 The King has stirred and calls for you. 21 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,995 Ah. Very well... 22 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,474 Gentlemen! I must leave you. 23 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:34,869 Prince Edmund is in charge! 24 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,394 (All) Shame! 25 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,516 Ah, yes. Ah, right. 26 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,354 Er, gentlemen, right. Well, as you know... 27 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:47,194 "Today we face the gravest crisis this country has known 28 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,192 - "since the Roman invasion." - Rubbish! 29 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,032 What about the Viking invasion? 30 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,156 - Norman? - Swiss? 31 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,710 Well, the greatest crisis for some time. 32 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,598 - And we all know why! - Why? 33 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:04,673 - Because the King is possessed! - What? 34 00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:08,196 True. The land is full of omens of bewitchment! 35 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:13,229 In Cornwall, a man with four heads was seen taking tea on the beach! 36 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:17,632 And two women in Windsor claim to have been raped by a fish! 37 00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:20,234 I, too, have heard such tales. 38 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,551 - In Harrogate it rained phlegm. - (All) Eugh! 39 00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:26,200 In Edinburgh, the graves did open 40 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,192 and the ghosts of our ancestors rose up 41 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,111 and competed in athletic sports. 42 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:36,832 A friend of mine had this awful pimple on the inside of his nose! 43 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:39,275 - Percy, shut up. - (All) Witchcraft! 44 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:44,229 And a farmer in Rye heard a cow reciting Geoffrey Chaucer, 45 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:48,996 and a young woman in Shropshire saw Geoffrey Chaucer in a field, 46 00:03:49,080 --> 00:03:51,753 mooing and suckling a young heifer! 47 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:56,789 Gentlemen, gentlemen! Surely, we don't believe in this. 48 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:58,552 Next you'll be telling me 49 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,996 that washing your hair in bats' droppings stops you going bald! 50 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:07,313 But it's true! I couldn't find enough bats and look what happened. 51 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:10,995 I move that we do the only thing we can do 52 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,548 to remove this curse from the kingdom. 53 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:16,200 Ah, that sounds like the answer! 54 00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,430 Send for the Witchsmeller Pursuivant. 55 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,669 Aye! 56 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:23,514 (Men yell their support) 57 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:28,078 Now, wait! Wait! Wait! 58 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,559 - Percy! Percy! - What? 59 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:33,474 What the devil do you think you're doing? 60 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,712 I just can't take the pressure of all these omens any more! 61 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:38,789 Percy... 62 00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:44,830 No! Only this morning I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies! 63 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:48,117 Two horses standing next to each other? 64 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,397 Yes, I suppose it could have been. 65 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:56,429 I bet you think that sticking your finger up a sheep's bottom 66 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:59,398 - on Good Friday makes you fertile! - Rubbish! 67 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,119 - Precisely! - It's Easter Monday. 68 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:05,909 Yes... Remind me not to shake your hand 69 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,230 during the religious festival. 70 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:13,155 I don't believe it. Who is this Witchsmeller Pursuivant, anyway? 71 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,879 I don't know, but Mistress Scott would. 72 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,190 The old crone with the cat! 73 00:05:18,280 --> 00:05:22,273 The cat! Lovely! But she lives in the village! 74 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:25,033 - So? - Everyone's dying of the plague! 75 00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,315 Yes, that's what the peasants claim. 76 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,676 Any excuse to get off a day's work! 77 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:33,157 (Moans of agony) 78 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:37,518 Well, obviously there are some genuine cases. 79 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:45,269 - Good mornin', Prince Edmund. - Morning, peasant. 80 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:50,550 - Good morning, Prince Edmund. - Morning, peasant. 81 00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,757 - Morning, Prince Edmund. - Morning, peasant. 82 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:57,799 - Shouldn't you disguise yourself? - Hmm? 83 00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:01,270 We don't want someone with a grudge infecting you. 84 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:04,033 Ah, yes, you're right. 85 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:13,109 - Morning, stranger. - Morning, friend. 86 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,351 - Morning, stranger. - Morning, friends! 87 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:19,835 Who is that dark stranger? 88 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,229 Oh, that'll be Prince Edmund. 89 00:06:22,320 --> 00:06:24,993 This way, My Lord. 90 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,718 Yes. 91 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:32,433 (Bell rings) 92 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:35,671 Bring out your deeeeaaad! 93 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,152 (Coughing and spluttering) 94 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:44,438 - You! Where's Mistress Scott? - You've just passed her. 95 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,112 What? 96 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,274 Oh, my God! 97 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,033 And what's that? 98 00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,912 The, er, cat, My Lord. 99 00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:00,197 Does anyone know what happened? 100 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,874 No! I don't! 101 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:08,519 Me neither. I was on the other side of town when we burned her. 102 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:09,430 Ssh! 103 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,159 You burned her? Why? 104 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:16,836 - I don't know. - It was because she was a witch! 105 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:21,391 You burned Mistress Scott for being a witch? Why? 106 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:23,914 I can't say. It's a secret. 107 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:27,913 - A secret? Do you know who I am? - A stranger. 108 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,434 Oh, yes. That's right. 109 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:34,513 - Well, tell me anyway. - No, no, we can't. 110 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:39,116 Here's why. If you'd been part of a secret committee 111 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,475 to invite the Witchsmeller Pursuivant, 112 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:46,509 and he'd already burnt four of your friends, would you tell everyone? 113 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,239 No, I suppose I wouldn't. 114 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:54,599 So... So is it the Witchsmeller Pursuivant who burnt her? 115 00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:56,750 - He's guessed. - He's clever. 116 00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:00,879 They don't call him Clever Jake for nothing, you know. 117 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,077 Well, they don't call me Clever Jake. 118 00:08:04,160 --> 00:08:06,276 Oh, I see. 119 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:10,478 So, what does this witchsmeller man look like? 120 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,358 No one knows, My Lord. No one. 121 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:17,911 He is a master of disguise who appears only at night. 122 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:22,073 - That's right. Innit? - I believe so. 123 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,673 Ah, right. 124 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:28,356 So he won't be around now. Let me tell you something. 125 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,908 If this witchsmeller burnt Mistress Scott... 126 00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,116 - And her pussy cat. - Be quiet! 127 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:37,432 ...then something's wrong with his nose, and I should know. 128 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,830 They don't call me Clever Pete for nothing. 129 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,354 - Jake, My Lord. - What about him? 130 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,634 - Clever Jake. - Where? 131 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:48,554 - You are Clever Jake. - Oh, yes. 132 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:53,156 They don't call me Clever Pete at all. 133 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:56,118 They call me Clever Jake, 134 00:08:56,200 --> 00:09:00,591 and if I were you and I'd asked the witchsmeller into town, 135 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,638 I'd kick the big-nosed bully out again! 136 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,438 What do you say? 137 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:07,511 I think it's worth serious consideration. 138 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:08,555 Exactly. 139 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:10,232 Take Clever Tom's advice 140 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:14,438 and send him back to the madhouse he came from... 141 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:16,158 Put those down, Percy. 142 00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:21,314 Come. Mistress Scott is obviously in no state to help us today. 143 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:29,559 I have two functions - to protect the good... 144 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,108 and to crush the evil. 145 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,315 Watch! 146 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,637 Fascinating! 147 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,632 Absolutely fascinating! 148 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:44,555 Um... actually you have crushed both eggs, you know? 149 00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:49,236 Some that seem good sometimes proveth to be evil. 150 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:52,710 My Lords, the Duke of Edinburgh. 151 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,678 Ah, Edmund! Come in! The witchsmeller's arrived! 152 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:59,036 Oh! Old Big Nose is back, is he? 153 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,315 Oh... hello. 154 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:09,315 I'm delighted to meet you. I'm one of your greatest admirers. 155 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,391 "Old Big Nose is back"? 156 00:10:11,480 --> 00:10:14,950 Yes, old Big Nose is back. He's in an terrible state. 157 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:17,235 I was talking to him just now. 158 00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:20,551 He's a great admirer of yours as well. 159 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,631 - Who's this? - Old Big Nose. 160 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:27,157 In fact, I've been hearing about your work in Taunton. 161 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:28,355 Imagine that! 162 00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:32,228 Every person there having an affair with the same duck. 163 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:35,915 The Duck of Taunton was a tragic circumstance. 164 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:39,913 I hear you very kindly burnt our Mistress S-Scott for us. 165 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:43,515 Oh, yes... and her pussy cat. 166 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:48,276 Ah, b-but have you found the chief witch yet? 167 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,920 I fear I may be very close. 168 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:56,358 Oh! Get the kindling ready. Make sure that stake is well done! 169 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:57,475 Witchsmeller, 170 00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:01,712 if you do happen to come across someone who's a bit witchy, 171 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,870 how do you prove him guilty? 172 00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:07,999 - By trial or by ordeal. - Ah, ordeal by water? 173 00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:09,115 - By axe. - Oh? 174 00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:12,749 The suspected witch has his head placed upon a block 175 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:14,990 and an axe aimed at it. 176 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:19,517 If guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck, so we burn him. 177 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:22,990 If not guilty, it'll slice his head off! 178 00:11:24,320 --> 00:11:26,709 What a very fair test that is. 179 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:31,316 Would you like to attempt a less violent test yourself, 180 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,630 by way of demon-stration? 181 00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:35,597 How much less violent? 182 00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:40,515 I place before the suspect a dagger and a crucifix. 183 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:42,875 - Interesting! - The suspect is blindfolded. 184 00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:47,476 If he picks up the dagger, he is Satan's bedfellow. 185 00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:51,792 Yes! At least take yourself out of the running! 186 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:55,634 I haven't seen your broomstick recently, Your Highness! 187 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:59,952 - I'm not so sure about all this. - Oh. 188 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:05,194 You will all notice how it has suddenly become much darker. 189 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:09,830 - Choose! - There we are! 190 00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:12,878 How the devil did that happen? 191 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,999 This is the source of evil in your kingdom. 192 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,753 This is your witch! Lucifer's brother! 193 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,512 Hebleebablub! Burn the witch! 194 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:25,036 I'm not sure I caught the first part. 195 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,635 - Try him. - If that's what you recommend. 196 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,393 Henry, you can't let him do this. 197 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,153 - He's highly thought of! - He's a quack. 198 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:37,630 - What did you say? - Quack, quack, quack! 199 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:42,236 You see, My Lord, how the Duck of Taunton lives within him? 200 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,710 Yes, I'm afraid so! Let him be tried tomorrow. 201 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,314 B-But th-this...! 202 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:55,550 Lords and ladies of England, this court's summoned to adjudge 203 00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:58,837 the most heinous of all crimes - witchcraft! 204 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:05,312 All the more heinous as the accused is a prince. 205 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,914 Step forward, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh. 206 00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:11,356 - Look at his hair! - His hair proves it. 207 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,398 Who will defend the accused... 208 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:19,110 and thus condemn himself to certain burning at the stake? 209 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,509 Lord Percy will defend His Royal Highness. 210 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,036 Oh, yes, me. Yes. Hello! 211 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:26,792 Witch! 212 00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:28,677 - Witch! Witch! - What? 213 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,832 His hair proves it! 214 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:37,950 Will you force us to listen to a man who may be a witch himself? 215 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,519 You're absolutely right. 216 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:44,549 That concludes the defence case. Thank you, Lord Percy. 217 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:45,675 Begin! 218 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,149 Prince Edmund, are you a Christian? 219 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,798 Yes, of course. 220 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:51,836 Can you say the Lord's Prayer? 221 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:53,876 I could say it backwards! 222 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,838 Confession! 223 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,151 Edmund, I believe you have a pussy cat. 224 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,389 Yes. 225 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:04,517 - Oh! It's name is Bubbles? - Right. 226 00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:08,639 Or to give it its full name - Beelzebubbles! 227 00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,238 Do you deny that you were seen 228 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,550 on the feast of Saint Jacob the Turgid 229 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:17,154 speaking to little Bubbles? 230 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,708 - Of course I deny it! - A-Ah! 231 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:23,270 But the chambermaid, Mary, heard you say, 232 00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,796 "Hello, Bubbles. Would you like some milk?" 233 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,838 - Well, I might have said that. - Ah! 234 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:33,196 - (All) Ah! - What did you mean by it? 235 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:36,511 I meant "Would the cat like some milk?" 236 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:40,036 - Milk? - I meant milk, bloody milk! 237 00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:43,635 Bloody milk! A mixture of milk and blood! 238 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:48,271 - No, no, just milk. - The blood was to come later! 239 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:49,998 There wasn't any blood! 240 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,789 So you had to make do with milk! 241 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:55,791 (Screaming) 242 00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,839 My Lord, you have a horse called Black Satin? 243 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,069 Yes. 244 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,958 Do you confess that on the 13th day of Norristide 245 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:06,156 you said to this horse, and I quote, 246 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,879 "Satin, would you like some carrots?" 247 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:12,077 I might have done. He likes carrots. 248 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,276 Carrots? 249 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:15,759 Ye-es, carrots. 250 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,718 Ladies and gentlemen, we all know 251 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:22,110 that carrots are the devil's favourite food! 252 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,192 No, no, we don't. No, we don't. 253 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:31,037 If the devil likes carrots, why isn't it mentioned in the Bible? 254 00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,519 Why doesn't it say, 255 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:37,594 "A-And he took the Lord up to the top of an high mountain 256 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:39,477 "and offered him a carrot"? 257 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:44,270 Why isn't "Thou shalt not eat carrots" in the Ten Commandments? 258 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:49,150 It is! In the appendix to the Apocrypha - 259 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,516 "And the Lord said unto the children, 260 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:56,229 "'Neither shalt thou eat the fruit of the tree 261 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:59,551 "'that is known as the carrot tree.'" 262 00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,278 Carrots don't grow on trees. 263 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:06,354 Oh, really? How did you get to know so much about carrots? 264 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:07,839 - Witch! - Oh! 265 00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:12,675 My Lord, I call my first witness! 266 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,672 (Enthusiastic cheering) 267 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:21,596 Now, Satin, just relax, you're amongst friends. Good. 268 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:26,629 Now, tell me in your own words, did you, Satin, 269 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,234 on certain nights last Garethstide, 270 00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:33,472 indulge, albeit I accept, in all innocence, 271 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,312 - in frenzied... - Oh! 272 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,359 ...naked and obscene... - O-Oh! 273 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:42,318 ...satanic orgies with your master, 274 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:46,359 known to you as the Great Grumbledook? 275 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,591 - What? - Silence, Grumbledook! 276 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:53,434 Satin, you're not replying. He's not replying. 277 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:57,229 Are we to assume this horse has something to hide? 278 00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,709 Either that or he can't talk. 279 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:01,074 A likely story. 280 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,596 Black Satin, known in the hierarchy of evil 281 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,796 as Black Satin the Loquacious! 282 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,519 Are you the servant of Satan? 283 00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:12,433 (Black Satin neighs) 284 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,954 Was that a yea or a nay? 285 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:19,636 It was a "nay", My Lord, but I don't believe a word of it. 286 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:24,555 He may think he can fool us, but we have ways of making him talk! 287 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,710 (Cheering) 288 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:30,839 Well, I suppose this is what comes of being a witch. 289 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,319 I'm not a witch! 290 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:36,188 Edmund, you always were a bit of a fibber. 291 00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:40,990 Mother, I beg of you, use whatever power you have to help me. 292 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,640 I haven't had any power for years. 293 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:48,555 No, b-but Father's sick! You must do something, otherwise... 294 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:53,077 - Otherwise what? - Well, otherwise I'll be burnt! 295 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:57,950 - Oh, yes. This would be a pity. - Oh, thanks! 296 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:01,032 I'll see if I can sort out something. 297 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:07,076 My Lord, I had an idea how to get out of this. 298 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,195 Yes? 299 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:13,400 Send for the greatest lawyers in the land and they could save you. 300 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:15,152 Brilliant! Contact them at once. 301 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:17,196 I've already done it, My Lord! 302 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:22,638 (Edmund) Oh, Percy, thank you! A-Are those the letters? 303 00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:23,948 Um... yes! 304 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:28,556 - Well, read them. - Um... er... very well. 305 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:32,952 This is from Robert Wyatt in Somerset. 306 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:38,717 "What you ask is against reason and God." 307 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,439 "I spit on you and your master 308 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:44,193 "and look forward to passing water 309 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:47,829 "over both your graves as you lay dead." 310 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:53,918 - What does that one say? - It's from John Watts. 311 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,399 Stinker Watts! 312 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:59,792 "Dear Percy, I remember yourself and Prince Edmund at school, 313 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:02,269 "and so was interested by your letter..." 314 00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:03,349 Yes? 315 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:07,274 "May you both die horribly. Yours, John Watts." 316 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:11,194 Oh, no! I'm doomed! 317 00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:16,638 Wait a moment, My Lord! I have a cunning plan that cannot fail. 318 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,312 - What is it? - Well... 319 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:22,075 My wife would like you to come for dinner tonight. 320 00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,593 - No, thanks. - Why not? 321 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,955 Well, the food tastes like manure 322 00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,679 and I find you both very boring. 323 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:33,356 Oh, fair enough. How about next Thursday, then? 324 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,876 Um... yeah, that's lovely, yeah. About half eight? 325 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,393 Yeah. Be there. 326 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:43,600 Brilliant! Well done, Baldrick. Very cunning. 327 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:50,714 You may capture the eagle, but you cannot clip its wings. 328 00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:53,678 Anyway, how's that eagle of yours? 329 00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:58,197 Oh, fine. Mind you, I had a bit of trouble to start with, 330 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:01,352 but now I've clipped its wings, no problem. 331 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:06,116 Tomorrow I shall not be so meek. (Chortles) 332 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,598 (Booing and hissing) 333 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:18,070 My Lord, unhappily the horse, Blessed Satin the Confessor, 334 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,310 that was to have been a witness today... 335 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,516 - Yes? ...cannot be with us. 336 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,433 - Oh, dear. - However, before he died... 337 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,078 You bastard! 338 00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:30,277 ...he did make this signed confession. 339 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:34,239 I'll read it. "I, Black Satin, confess 340 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:39,394 "that my former master, Edmund, is the servant of Satan..." 341 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:40,515 (Woman) O-O-Oh. 342 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:45,310 "...and I spoke to him on the matter frequently..." 343 00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:46,913 (Crowd) Oo-ooh! 344 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:52,632 "...over a gallon... a gallon... a gallon of stable boy's blood"! 345 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:58,148 Dear Lord... this tragic, horrid, nasty 346 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,038 and most evil case draws to an end. 347 00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:04,430 I call my last witness! 348 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,750 (Cheering) 349 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,037 Oh, yes, and what is it? A cow? 350 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:12,554 A talkative badger? 351 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,108 An easily bribed ant? 352 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:21,230 - I call... Jane Firkettle! - (All) Hooray! 353 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,709 Can you see that man there? 354 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,518 - Which? - That's him. 355 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:27,909 'Course I recognise him! 356 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,309 She's seen me on a coin. 357 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:35,428 Have you or have you not committed sins of the flesh with him? 358 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:37,829 - I have. - You must be joking! 359 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:41,390 - To my deepest shame. - And mine! Look at her. 360 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:44,199 Can you describe these foul deeds? 361 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:50,150 After we had just kissed once, he transformed into a wild animal. 362 00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:54,438 - Perhaps I do remember you. - Anything else? 363 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:59,435 Yes, My Lord. Three months later, I was great with child. 364 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:00,839 For God's sake. 365 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:05,232 - You bore him a son? - I did. My little Johnny. 366 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:09,916 Can you see this son of Satan anywhere in this court? 367 00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:18,755 Yes, that's him! 368 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:22,674 I give you... John Grumbledook! 369 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,513 The hair gives him away! 370 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,717 He doesn't look the slightest bit like me! 371 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:32,475 My Lord, you have three proofs of witchcraft. 372 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,869 A cat that drinks blood, 373 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,554 a horse that talks, 374 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:42,919 and a man... who propagates poodles! 375 00:22:44,040 --> 00:22:46,508 These men must burn! 376 00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:50,639 (All) Burn! Burn! Burn! 377 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:53,473 (Chanting continues) 378 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:56,677 Silence for the Prince of Wales! 379 00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:01,834 The verdict is that the accused are found guilty of witchcraft. 380 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:07,313 The maximum penalty the law allows is that you be burned to death. 381 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:12,155 However, in view of your previous good background, 382 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:14,800 I am disposed to be lenient. 383 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:18,555 Therefore, I sentence you to be burned alive! 384 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:22,192 Do you have anything to say? 385 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,794 - Yes, I'd like to say something. - Shut up! 386 00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:27,519 And you, Grumbledook? 387 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:28,953 Yes! 388 00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:31,156 Now! 389 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:36,752 Brilliant, Baldrick. How you did that, I'll never know! 390 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:38,239 In... here! 391 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:45,315 (Thumping and yelling) 392 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:50,953 You Turkish pigs! 393 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,829 - Percy. - Sorry. 394 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:12,716 Look, you two, you wouldn't perhaps consider, 395 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:16,759 for a pretty hefty reward, perhaps letting us... 396 00:24:16,840 --> 00:24:18,319 Escape? 397 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,436 - By dressing up as... ...washerwomen? 398 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:25,071 - And carrying us out in... ...three large laundry baskets? 399 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:27,435 No, obviously not. 400 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:29,988 Here comes the wife. 401 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,836 - Hello, Edmund. - Hello, dear. 402 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:43,388 You look funny! 403 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,199 Yes, I've had all my hair cut off. 404 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:47,998 Oh, yes, that's it. 405 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:52,073 Look, there's no news of a reprieve, is there? 406 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:55,755 No. Everyone's looking forward to it. Hello, boys. 407 00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:58,513 (Both) Morning, Your Highness. 408 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,990 I have to go to my room, but in fact... 409 00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:03,149 Yes? 410 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:06,516 I think I might get a better view from the window. 411 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:07,953 Oh, great. 412 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:10,713 Well, I'd better be going. 413 00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,836 (Whispering) 414 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:16,629 Oh, yes, and your mummy asked me to give you this. 415 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:18,039 Great! What is it? 416 00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:21,908 A knife? A file? A small bucket of water? 417 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:26,915 - No, silly, it's a dolly! - So it is. So it is. 418 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:31,755 Great, great. It's just what we needed. 419 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,355 - Goodbye, Edmund. - Goodbye, dear. 420 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:36,953 Mother? 421 00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:40,032 Yes? Oh, bye-bye, dear. 422 00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:45,072 (Crowd hisses) 423 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:55,633 This must be one of the most difficult parts of the job. 424 00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:57,155 Yes. 425 00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:00,994 - And for the witch as well. - Of course. 426 00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:05,154 My Lord, I have a cunning plan. 427 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,437 Oh, cough off, Baldrick! 428 00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,956 I think I might be able to stall him. 429 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:15,794 Grumbledook, your time has come! Do you wish to confess? 430 00:26:15,880 --> 00:26:17,916 - No. - Very well. 431 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,594 Sorry. Sorry, yes. Yes, I do, in fact. 432 00:26:20,680 --> 00:26:21,999 Confession! 433 00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:29,195 I should like to confess in front of God 434 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:33,193 and this rather small crowd 435 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:38,434 that I have occasionally done things wrong. 436 00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:42,035 - Be more specific. - Um... well... 437 00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:47,513 I have erred and strayed like a lost ox. 438 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:50,558 - Sheep! - Er... sheep. 439 00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:55,509 I have coveted my father's adultery. 440 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:59,354 - Get on with it! - l-I have not... 441 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:02,989 not honoured my neighbour's ass. 442 00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:06,038 - Oh, light the fires! - I'm a witch! 443 00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:10,193 Me, too! (Crowd cheers) 444 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:14,239 (Crowd) Burn! Burn! Burn! 445 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,675 Oh, damn! 446 00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:19,513 I'm not even comfortable. 447 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:26,512 Argh! 448 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:29,353 How fast this heat travels! 449 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:32,193 Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it? 450 00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:38,514 I feel... as if I am... on fi-i-ire! 451 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:43,720 I know. I'm rather regretting my choice of undergarments as well. 452 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:47,429 I'm burning! I'm burning! 453 00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:48,669 I'm burning! 454 00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:53,436 Yes, but I bet you're glad of that cloak in the winter. 455 00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:57,671 Good Lord! 456 00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,513 A-A-Argh! 457 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,955 A-Argh! 458 00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,596 Oh! Well done, Baldrick. 459 00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:13,513 Yes, that was a close shave. 460 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:17,954 Thank you, Baldrick. 461 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:30,628 Morning, my love! 462 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,280 Ah, morning, dear. 463 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:36,591 - Morning, Princess. - Good morning. 464 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:39,916 What's going on out there? 465 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:43,549 Uncle Harry was going to burn Edmund alive... 466 00:28:43,640 --> 00:28:45,949 Darling? Tch, tch, tch. 467 00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:49,999 - It's all sorted out now. - Oh, good, good. 468 00:28:56,320 --> 00:29:00,108 # The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade 469 00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:04,159 # Good folk, lock up your son and daughter 470 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:08,153 # Beware the deadly flashing blade 471 00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:11,630 # Unless you want to end up shorter 472 00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:15,759 # Black Adder, Black Adder 473 00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:19,799 # He rides a pitch-black steed 474 00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:23,953 # Black Adder, Black Adder 475 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:28,158 # He's very bad indeed 476 00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:32,358 # Black his gloves of finest mole 477 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:36,399 # Black his codpiece made of metal 478 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:40,439 # His horse is blacker than a vole 479 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:44,308 # His pot is blacker than his kettle 480 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:48,029 # Black Adder, Black Adder 481 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:51,874 # With many a cunning plan 482 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:56,192 # Black Adder, Black Adder 483 00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:59,033 # You horrid little man! # 484 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:03,757 (Percy) I said he shouldn't have burnt that cat.