1 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:08,279 (Wind blows, cat miaows, dog barks) 2 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:28,474 (Woman) Noble Prince, your secret note of love has won my heart. 3 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:33,475 The castle of my body is yours, by right of conquest. 4 00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:38,793 Come, let your tongue dive into the moat of my mouth, 5 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:44,000 let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies. 6 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:48,392 For I'm yours, and yours alone. 7 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,318 And I'm yours. 8 00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,631 Urgh! Edmund! I thought you your brother. 9 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,553 Uh, uh, uh, aaaagh! (Falls to the ground) 10 00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,596 (Dogs bark ferociously) 11 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:12,230 The Swiss are always cowards. (Drums beat) 12 00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:16,074 My Lord, good news. The Swiss have invaded France. 13 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:17,957 Excellent! 14 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:22,830 Wessex, while they're away, take 10,000 troops and pillage Geneva. 15 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,275 But the Swiss are our allies. 16 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:29,194 Well, get them to dress up as Germans, will you? 17 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:33,355 Remind me to send flowers to the King of France, 18 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:34,839 in sympathy for his son. 19 00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,275 - The one you had murdered? - Yes. 20 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:38,839 (Harry) Father! 21 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:42,151 - My Lord... - Will you get away from me! 22 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:46,798 Ha, ha, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy. 23 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:50,156 But you know where the real secret of diplomacy lies? 24 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,595 I don't. But I'd like to know. 25 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:53,829 There. 26 00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:59,235 I can't imagine anything of any real interest there. 27 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:01,959 Let me explain. What's that for? 28 00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,712 A couple of things. 29 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,756 Correct. One of those things is? 30 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,239 Best not mentioned. 31 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,357 Right! And the other is fornication. 32 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:15,753 Without it, there's no marriage. Without that, there's no diplomacy. 33 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:17,558 Oh, I see. 34 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,870 Very good. Let me explain further. 35 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:24,476 I've decided to ally to a nation most threatening to France. 36 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:28,075 The answer of course is, Chiswick, Spain! 37 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,994 The best way to cement an alliance is marriage. 38 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:37,279 Therefore I've decided that you shall marry the Spanish Infanta! 39 00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:40,158 (Chiswick) Congratulations. 40 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:42,994 Actually, I don't think I can. 41 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,592 What? 42 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:49,475 Why not? 43 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:51,437 I am already engaged. 44 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,715 What? Who to, boy? 45 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:57,839 Princess Leia of Hungary, Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg, 46 00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:01,196 and Queen Beowulfa of Iceland and... 47 00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:03,157 Countess Caroline of Luxembourg, 48 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,196 Bertha of Flanders, Bertha of Brussels, 49 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:09,114 Bernard of Saxe-Coburg and Jezabel of Estonia. 50 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,634 No, no, no, sorry, that should be... 51 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:16,748 Bertha of Saxe-Coburg... and Jeremy of Estonia. 52 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:19,479 Damn, damn, damn, damn! 53 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:25,233 If I haven't got a son to marry her, the whole plan falls apart. 54 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:27,276 - Your Majesty. - Yes! 55 00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:31,433 You do have another son, My Lord. 56 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,873 What? 57 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,268 My God, of course, you're right. 58 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,828 The slimy one. What's his name? 59 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:43,038 - Edmund, My Lord. - Yes, Osmond. 60 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:47,113 - Osmond can marry the Infanta! - (Harry) Excellent idea! 61 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,679 With a Spanish alliance, 62 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:52,355 we can massacre both the Swiss and the French. 63 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:53,475 (Men) Hurrah! 64 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,870 By dividing their forces into two! 65 00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:01,158 Preferably their top halves from their bottom halves! 66 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:10,435 Ow. 67 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:14,830 - Morning, My Lord. - Morning. 68 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,158 What's happened to your neck? 69 00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:21,708 Huh? 70 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,519 Er, w-w-w-well... 71 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,909 They're love bites, actually. 72 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:29,719 Look more like dog bites to me. 73 00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,153 (Nervous giggle) 74 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:35,791 Well, yes, she was... a bit of an animal. 75 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:38,792 - Oh, yes. - Fight to the death, eh? 76 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,190 Yes. As my tutor, Old Bubble Face, used to say, 77 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:44,191 "Make love and be merry, 78 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,716 "for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease." 79 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:50,275 (Edmund laughs) 80 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,749 I'd swear those were dog bites. 81 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,070 They are not dog bites! 82 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,390 She was very attractive. 83 00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,040 Yeah, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes. 84 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:03,795 No, Baldrick. It was a woman. 85 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,472 Fair enough, My Lord. 86 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,870 Right, now that's sorted out. 87 00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:14,715 Percy, what are we up to today? 88 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,358 Well, My Lord... 89 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,671 First I thought that you and I... 90 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:25,555 might get out a couple of prisoners... 91 00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:28,473 Actually, they look rather like dog bites. 92 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,870 All right, they are. I got bitten by a dog. 93 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:35,191 A woman pushed me off a rampart, finding me hideously ugly, 94 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:38,636 and I got ravaged by a rabid dog. Satisfied? 95 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:41,678 - Yes, My Lord. - Good. Excellent. 96 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:44,149 Good. Right. 97 00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:45,832 Percy, you were saying? 98 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,353 Right, My Lord. 99 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,431 We might... So it wasn't a woman? 100 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:52,273 No, a dog, a dog, a bloody great dog! 101 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,271 (Barks madly) 102 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:55,713 Right, My Lord. 103 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,552 Harry gets all the women. 104 00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:01,758 Shut up. I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again. 105 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:04,638 - And dogs? - Or dogs. Shut up, you. 106 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,870 I never want to see a woman again. 107 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,872 If a woman wants to talk to me, warn her. 108 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,555 The Black Adder is a venomous reptile 109 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,029 and women are his prey. 110 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,473 (Knock at door) 111 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:19,949 Enter! If you're a woman, 112 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,679 prepare to be thrown out of the window. 113 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,196 My Lord, I bring a message. 114 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,875 Yes, obviously. You're a messenger. 115 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:33,476 You're engaged to be married to the Infanta Maria of Spain. 116 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:34,515 What? 117 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:37,194 My Lord, I bring a message. You are... 118 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:38,918 Yes, yes, yes. 119 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,956 Ah. 120 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:47,593 Go on, get out. Get, get out, out, out! 121 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:55,196 - Well, boys, did you hear that? - (Baldrick) Mmm. 122 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:59,034 I am to marry the Infanta of Spain. 123 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:01,793 Yes, My Lord. Shall I go and tell her? 124 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,233 What? 125 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,709 The Black Adder is a venomous reptile... 126 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,234 No, no, no, no, no! 127 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,039 This is no ordinary woman, Percy. 128 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:15,591 This is a beautiful royal princess. 129 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:21,630 Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like. 130 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,917 (Percy and Baldrick howl like dogs) 131 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:34,237 Ah, bienvenida a nuestro castillo. 132 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:38,233 Espero que encuentre los deshagues a su satisfaction. 133 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:42,869 (Laughs nervously) 134 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:43,915 Hmm? 135 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:46,070 It's Spanish for "Welcome to our castle, 136 00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:48,549 "I hope the drains are to your satisfaction." 137 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:52,872 I've jotted it down. Should help break the ice with the Infanta. 138 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:56,635 I don't think you know the Countess Caroline of Luxembourg. 139 00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:00,872 Er, no, er, how do you do, young lady? 140 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:05,476 Well, good luck. Er, bienvenue à notre château, Caroline... 141 00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,676 Luxembourg! Ha! 142 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:11,355 Have you ever seen anyone so seething with jealousy? 143 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:13,431 - No. - Seethe, seethe. 144 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:17,195 If he goes on like that, he'll turn into a seethe. 145 00:09:18,240 --> 00:09:20,196 Baldrick, what are you talking about? 146 00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,998 - My Lord. - Yes. 147 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:25,197 They say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful 148 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,874 than the famous Stone of Galveston. 149 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,075 Mmm! 150 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:31,155 The what? 151 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,391 The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord. 152 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,640 And... what's that exactly? 153 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:41,076 Well, it's a famous blue stone 154 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:45,553 and it comes... from Galveston. 155 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,149 I see. And what about it? 156 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:53,317 Well, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it. 157 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:57,109 I see. Have you ever seen this stone? 158 00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,555 No. Not as such, My Lord. 159 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:03,713 But I know people who have and they say it's very blue indeed. 160 00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,758 Have these people seen the Infanta's eyes? 161 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,114 I shouldn't think so. 162 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:11,237 - And neither have you. - No, My Lord. 163 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:15,279 What you're telling me is that something you have never seen 164 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:19,956 is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen. 165 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:23,994 Yes, My Lord. 166 00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:29,200 Percy, you are as much use to me as a hole in the head. 167 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:33,671 An affliction you must be familiar with, never having had a brain. 168 00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:36,354 - Hello! - Hello. 169 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:39,910 Here I am, awaiting the arrival of the beautiful, ravishing... 170 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:40,955 Hello! 171 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:43,554 Leave me alone, I'm trying to talk to someone. 172 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,757 ...while you're wittering away like a moorhen... 173 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:48,592 (Lady speaks Spanish) 174 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,319 You are the love of my life, my love. 175 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:55,234 What? Percy, is this a friend of yours? Someone you... 176 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:58,710 You are the only one for me. I want to hug and kiss you. 177 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,634 - (Speaks Spanish) - I am the Infanta! 178 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,712 What? No one told me you had a beard. 179 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,030 Must be Jeremy of Estonia. 180 00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:11,032 - Yo soy la Infanta! - Well, absolutely. 181 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,159 Aaah! 182 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,879 (Speaks in Spanish) 183 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:21,509 I have waited for this moment all of my life. 184 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,558 (Speaks passionately in Spanish) 185 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,552 Your nose is smaller than I expected. 186 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:30,996 I suffer no similar disappointment. 187 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,671 (Speaks Spanish) 188 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,432 My love, my love. 189 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:38,755 Mm, mm, mm, mm... 190 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,435 - (Spanish) - Your lips, I like. 191 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,876 (Speaks passionately) 192 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:55,873 It's the rest of your body I wish to find out more about. 193 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,548 I'll slit their gizzards. 194 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,198 - My Lord, news. - What? 195 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,714 The Spanish Infanta has arrived. 196 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,791 Soon we'll have Spain in our grip. 197 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,917 My Lord, news. The King of France sends his greetings. 198 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,833 Good news. My diplomacy triumphs. 199 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:18,878 My Lord, news. Lord Wessex is dead. 200 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,029 Ah... 201 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:23,918 - This news is not good. - Pardon, My Lord. 202 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,230 I like it not. Bring me other news. 203 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:27,355 Pardon, My Lord. 204 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,796 I like not this news. Bring me some other news. 205 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,996 Yes, My Lord. 206 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,352 My Lord, news. 207 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:41,637 - Lord Wessex is not dead. - Ah! Good news. 208 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,792 Let there be joy and celebration. 209 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:46,359 - My Lord. - Yes. 210 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:51,275 Tell Osmond that to strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow. 211 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:52,952 Yes, My Lord. 212 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:56,195 Chiswick! 213 00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:58,398 Fresh horses! 214 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:06,476 In 24 hours, I'll be married to a walrus. 215 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:09,398 You can't lock her out. 216 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,630 You may be right. 217 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:16,832 That should hold her up for at least a minute. 218 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,990 Wait a moment, My Lord. 219 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:22,834 I may have a plan to get you out of this marriage. 220 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,036 But it's a stupid plan, let's face it. 221 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,276 Oh, well, yes, maybe you're right. 222 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,954 But tell me anyway. 223 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:33,315 No, I won't bother, My Lord. 224 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,960 Please, tell me what your plan is. 225 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:39,077 - Please, tell me. - All right. 226 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:45,635 I go along to the Infanta's room, and tell her you've gone mad. 227 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:50,911 She comes to the door and you meet her disguised 228 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,798 as a little pig. 229 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:56,193 Then... 230 00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:57,998 This is the cunning part... 231 00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,913 Instead of saying "oink, oink", 232 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:05,831 you say "mooo". 233 00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:08,509 Then? 234 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:13,673 Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave. 235 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:16,195 Ow! 236 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:17,998 You shouldn't have bothered. 237 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,594 - My Lord? - What? 238 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,432 I also have a plan. 239 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,393 Yes? 240 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,233 Make her think you prefer the company of men. 241 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:28,958 I do, Baldrick. 242 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,190 No, My Lord, I mean... 243 00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:35,239 the, er, intimate company of men? 244 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,272 You don't mean... 245 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:45,158 like the Earl of Doncaster? 246 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,869 I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster. 247 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,598 That great radish, 248 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,717 that steaming great left-footer. 249 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:58,715 The Earl of Doncaster has been riding side saddle since he was 17. 250 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,268 Who would marry the Earl of Doncaster? 251 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:02,873 No one would... 252 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,428 Brilliant! Of course. 253 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,592 No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster. 254 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,478 Except perhaps the Duke of Beaufort. 255 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,397 What are we going to do? 256 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,311 First, get you looking right. 257 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:20,279 Just need to drape something effeminate around your shoulders. 258 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:23,079 Either of the Beaufort twins should do. 259 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,554 Right. 260 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,198 Perfect. 261 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,750 All you need to do is practise with Percy. 262 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:38,598 Practise what? 263 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:40,951 Presentation, My Lord. 264 00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:44,476 You over here, and, My Lord, just there. 265 00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,915 Right, now, Percy, 266 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:50,470 Lord Edmund is going to try to make himself, er, 267 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,516 attractive to you. 268 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:54,594 Attractive? 269 00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,513 You know, like the Earl of Doncaster. 270 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,918 Good Lord. Oh, well, fair enough. 271 00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:06,468 No, you act normal, I'm the Earl of Doncaster. 272 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:07,675 That's me. 273 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:10,671 - Right. - Right. 274 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:12,709 Go! 275 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,832 Oh, my God, this is impossible. I can't do this. 276 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:45,354 I've got a couple more things. 277 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:48,034 Oh, Percy, what am I going to do? 278 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:52,071 We could try and strike up a conversation. 279 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:53,832 Ah, right. 280 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,831 Er, hel... hello... 281 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:58,195 (Effeminate voice) Hello there! 282 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,078 Ah, hello. 283 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:04,391 - How are you? - I'm fine. 284 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:07,995 Have you heard? Prince Edmund's going to marry the Infanta. 285 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:12,870 No, he damn well isn't. Anyone who says I am, gets it. Do you hear me? 286 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,837 (Percy) Oh! Oh! oh! 287 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,512 Yes, that's the kind of thing. 288 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,756 (Fanfare) Look out. Here she comes. 289 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:29,597 Morning, Doncaster. 290 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,511 Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples. 291 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,160 - What is it? - The King of Naples. 292 00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:37,639 Immediately, My Lord. 293 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,632 (Fanfare) Quick, quick. 294 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:43,913 Oh, my God. 295 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,228 Ah! 296 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,312 Some, er, lark for the stag party, what? 297 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:51,551 Er... yes, yes, that's right. 298 00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,950 I don't think you've met the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg. 299 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:58,157 (Very low voice) Er, no, how do you do, Ursula? 300 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,835 I'd like a word about the speech at your wedding. 301 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,036 I'm going for a fruit motif. 302 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,509 - (Very low voice) Er, yes. - Something like, 303 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,036 "It is with exstrawberry pleasure that we welcome you." 304 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:13,669 "May you be the apple of your husband's eye." 305 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,797 "And may he in turn cherrys you." 306 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:21,394 - Cherish, you see. - Oh, ha ha. 307 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:24,756 "Even though it's an oranged marriage." 308 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,876 - (All laugh) - (Harry) What do you think? 309 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:31,558 (Low voice) Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant. 310 00:18:31,640 --> 00:18:35,838 I thought it was good. I'm hoping to squeeze in a banana by the end. 311 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,592 Willkommen... 312 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,829 (Fanfare) My Lord, this is it. 313 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:50,432 Mother, for Chrissakes, what do you want? 314 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,829 Oh! Nothing, nothing. 315 00:18:56,480 --> 00:18:58,277 (Fanfare) 316 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:08,352 It's working, it's working! 317 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,830 (Speaks Spanish) 318 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:16,799 - I embrace and love you utterly. - What? 319 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:22,752 (Speaks emotionally) 320 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:26,833 Oh, what a love, that you dress like a Spanish man to delight me. 321 00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,713 Baldrick! 322 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,993 - (Speaks Spanish) - What love, what love! 323 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,479 Baldrick, you fool. 324 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,432 Look at the two lovebirds. 325 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,592 One lovebird and one love-elephant. 326 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,433 It's almost as if they were married already. 327 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:44,748 What did you say? 328 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:48,276 It's almost as if you were married already. 329 00:19:48,360 --> 00:19:50,874 That's what I thought you said. Oh! 330 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,312 Ah! Boys. 331 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,549 Yes, My Lord. 332 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:59,668 - I have another plan. - (Infanta) Oh, uh! 333 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:08,953 H'yah! 334 00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:25,114 (Inaudible) 335 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:38,635 Is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying her. 336 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:41,712 It's only for a couple of days, isn't it? 337 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,917 That's true. Hurry up, Father. 338 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,468 Very well. 339 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:49,516 We are gathered, Gracious Lord, 340 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:52,353 to bear witness, at very short notice. 341 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:53,919 (Woman laughs hysterically) 342 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:57,197 ...to the marriage of these God-fearing Christians, 343 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:01,637 Edmund, the Duke of Edinburgh and Tully Applebottom. 344 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,953 - Is that right? - Yes, that's right! 345 00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:08,917 Who ever would have thought it? 346 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,956 The Duke of Edinburgh, 347 00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:15,079 consumed with passion, whisks away little Tully! 348 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,071 (Tully laughs hysterically) 349 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,879 Shut up! Get on with it! 350 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:24,238 Yes, very well. Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh? 351 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,276 No, I'm a bowl of soup. 352 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:30,551 Come on, hurry up. 353 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:32,631 And are you Miss Tully Applebottom? 354 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:34,073 Er, Mrs. 355 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:35,149 Mrs. 356 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:36,955 Ah. 357 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:39,115 Ah. 358 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,388 Ah... 359 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:45,871 Never mind. Get on with it, Father, come on. 360 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:46,915 But... 361 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,879 The church's never going to progress if it isn't a bit adaptable. 362 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,235 This is most unusual. 363 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,676 But hasn't the church always dealt with the unusual? 364 00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:59,149 The miracle with the fishes, for example! 365 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:01,231 We'll continue. 366 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:05,677 No one knows any impediment why they may not be joined in holy matrimony. 367 00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,877 No. No. No. No. No. No. 368 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:09,915 Yes! 369 00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:12,598 And you are? 370 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,511 Mr Applebottom. 371 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,670 The father of the bride! 372 00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:19,672 No, the husband of the bride. 373 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,557 This is my husband, Thomas. 374 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:25,713 Thomas, this is my fiancé, the Duke of Edinburgh. 375 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,473 Prince Edmund, this is Thomas. 376 00:22:28,640 --> 00:22:30,870 Er, Thomas, this is Father O'... 377 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:34,111 Er, Smith. I called about the ducking-stool fund. 378 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:35,952 Mr Applebottom, I was wondering 379 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:40,830 whether I could have a temporary arrangement with your good lady. 380 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,912 I only need her for a very short stint. 381 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,399 Get out! 382 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:48,517 Stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife. 383 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,591 Get out of here! 384 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:55,477 Oh! That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know! 385 00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:59,712 No! That'll be the Earl of Doncaster. 386 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:02,199 (Infanta sighs contently) 387 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:03,998 (Speaks Spanish) 388 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,356 - Well, this is nice. - Yes. 389 00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:09,749 (Speaks Spanish) 390 00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,479 To have a little talk about ladies' things. 391 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:14,596 (Speaks Spanish) 392 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:16,910 Just the two of us. 393 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:21,792 (Speaks Spanish) 394 00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:25,759 Tell me, Mrs Queen, about English men. 395 00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,436 Oh, well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know. 396 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:35,071 And with other men. But, oh, when they do come to the women, 397 00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,912 they only want one thing. 398 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,558 (Speaks Spanish) 399 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:40,392 What is that? 400 00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:45,349 A kind of pudding, made with bread and butter and raisins. 401 00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,716 Oh! And of course, the other thing! 402 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:50,074 (Laughs and speaks Spanish) 403 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:54,911 And what is the other thing? 404 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,231 - Oh, well, custard. - Crema. 405 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,595 (Speaks Spanish) 406 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:08,274 Now, Edmund, what he like? 407 00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:10,794 I told you, this pudding. 408 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:14,797 (Speaks Spanish) 409 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,759 - No, what's he like in bed. - In bed! 410 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:20,796 In bed, yes. Well... 411 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:25,556 In bed he likes hot milk with just a little of cinnamon. 412 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:26,959 No, no, no, no. 413 00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:33,388 What... is... he... like? 414 00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,038 Oh, yes. 415 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,237 Well, like a little rabbit, really. 416 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:43,557 (Speaks Spanish) 417 00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:48,311 Mummy, Mummy, how much I love him. 418 00:24:51,760 --> 00:24:56,470 I'd never have believed my stag party would be like this. 419 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:02,956 The most depressing night of my life. 420 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,714 At least you can take solace in one thing. 421 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:08,635 What's that? 422 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,393 We're pretty sure she's a virgin. 423 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:15,871 At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary. 424 00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:20,032 Or else we might still stand a chance. 425 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,839 Officially, you've still got to be a virgin. 426 00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:27,314 What, My Lord? 427 00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:30,395 Oh! 428 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:33,474 Oh-oh-oh no. 429 00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:35,115 (Baldrick) No. 430 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:37,792 No! 431 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:41,111 Yes! Yes! Yes! 432 00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,674 Please, My Lord, I beg you to reconsider. 433 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,877 You know I'd take any other way. 434 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,313 I'll die in there. 435 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:53,790 Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral. 436 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:58,510 Bury you at sea, say you died in combat with an enemy vessel. 437 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:02,115 Right. Now, go on, in you go. 438 00:26:02,200 --> 00:26:05,431 Little boy with big job to do. 439 00:26:05,520 --> 00:26:08,080 Come on, Percy, let's get the King. 440 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,433 (Percy chokes back tears) 441 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,956 (In soft, high voice) Infanta! 442 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,155 Infanta! 443 00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:35,557 (Infanta) Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio. 444 00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:37,756 (Interpreter) Oh, Edmund, my love. 445 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,229 (Infanta makes excited noises) 446 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:44,191 - My Lord, Your Majesty. - What? 447 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:45,759 (Excited noises) 448 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,310 - I bring the gravest of news. - What? 449 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:52,679 Have our armies on the Rhine been slaughtered, 450 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:56,355 had their heads cut off and cheese poured down their nostrils 451 00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:59,352 - in the traditional Swiss manner? - No, My Lord. 452 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:01,590 (Infanta speaks passionately) 453 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,398 (Baldrick moans) 454 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:07,109 (Interpreter) Don't hold back, please, my little one. 455 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:09,156 Is it the Russian royal family, 456 00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:12,312 mistaken for bison, due to excessive winter clothing, 457 00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,516 and hunted down, chopped to pieces, 458 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:17,876 and eaten as sweets by Mongolian bandits? 459 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,518 No, My Lord. 460 00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:22,558 (Infanta) Ahh-ahh! 461 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:24,955 What, then? 462 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:27,395 My Lord, 463 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,189 the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin. 464 00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:32,235 (Infanta) Ahh! 465 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,197 Yes, I know that. 466 00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:35,395 (Infanta groans) Mas! 467 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:36,595 Her uncle told me. 468 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,033 (Interpreter) Again, please. 469 00:27:38,120 --> 00:27:40,429 That's why he took 500 off the dowry. 470 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:43,035 But I thought... 471 00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:45,270 Only one of you has to be a virgin. 472 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:49,753 Anything else? 473 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:23,513 Dearly beloved, we are gathered together 474 00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:25,955 here in the sight of Our Lord, 475 00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:32,036 to witness the marriage of two God-fearing Christians. 476 00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:35,519 Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh? 477 00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:37,397 Ye-yes, I am. 478 00:28:37,480 --> 00:28:39,391 Are you Maria Escalosa Fiona Infan... 479 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:46,352 (Speaks impatiently in Spanish) 480 00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:48,192 Stupid person, hurry up, 481 00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:51,158 I wish to entwine him in my broad thighs. 482 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:55,438 Marriage is an holy state, conceived by God. 483 00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:58,592 - If anyone knows just cause... - (Thinks) Dear Lord, 484 00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:01,069 please help me now. 485 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:04,835 ...let him speak now or forever hold his peace. 486 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:07,915 (Thinks) Now's your chance. 487 00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:09,228 So be it. 488 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:11,959 (Thinks) Oh, thanks a lot. 489 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:13,712 Come on! 490 00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,109 Do you, Edmund Plantaganet, take Maria... 491 00:29:16,200 --> 00:29:18,873 - Usted, Edmundo Plantaganet... - Oh, shut up. 492 00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:21,997 ...to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, 493 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:23,638 to cherish and to delight, 494 00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:27,918 to chastise and to beat until death... 495 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:29,831 ...until death do you part. 496 00:29:31,720 --> 00:29:34,029 Speak up! Can't hear a thing here. 497 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:36,039 I do. 498 00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:37,519 Still can't hear! 499 00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:39,830 I do, I do, I do! 500 00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:43,833 - Do you, Maria Escalosa Infante, - Si, si! 501 00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:46,593 ...take Edmund Plantagenet... - Yes, yes. 502 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:48,238 Oh, no! 503 00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:51,039 - I then pronounce you... - Stop! 504 00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:52,394 Christ! 505 00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:56,189 I bring unbelievable news that must halt the wedding. 506 00:29:57,080 --> 00:29:58,638 What? 507 00:29:58,720 --> 00:30:03,510 Have the Swiss and French made sudden peace at a mountain pass, 508 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,433 then forged a clandestine alliance with Spain, 509 00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:08,795 leaving us without friends in Europe, 510 00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:12,395 unless we make an immediate pact with Hungary? 511 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:17,355 Yes. 512 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:19,715 As I thought. 513 00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:23,710 Are there any Hungarian Princesses in the castle? 514 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:26,837 Yes, I think I've got one. Er... 515 00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:29,559 Yes, Princess Leia of Hungary. 516 00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:30,789 What's she like? 517 00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:35,795 Er, Leia is young and beautiful, her eyes are like opals, 518 00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:38,440 her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut. 519 00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:39,714 That sounds all right. 520 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,233 (Speaks Spanish, angrily) 521 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:43,356 What is happening, please? 522 00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:45,431 Call her into the court. 523 00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:50,196 And as for that great Spanish dumpling there, 524 00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:52,555 get her out of my sight at once! 525 00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,234 Or I'll eat her. Argh! 526 00:30:55,960 --> 00:30:57,916 My love, save me. 527 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:00,309 Sorry, what can I do? Politics. 528 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,437 Come on, come on, come on. Where is she? 529 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:05,511 Where is Princess Leia? 530 00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:16,000 (King) Ah, good. Good! 531 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:19,236 Osmond, meet your new wife. 532 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:20,753 Hello, Edmund. 533 00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:22,398 Hello. 534 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:24,516 Are we getting married now? 535 00:31:24,600 --> 00:31:26,875 Yes, I believe we are. 536 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:28,678 Come on, then. 537 00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:44,278 Dearly beloved, 538 00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:48,273 we are gathered here today. 539 00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:58,436 (Edmund) "And so it came to pass 540 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:02,035 "that the Big Bear had to leave all his friends, 541 00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:06,669 "and go to live in a land far away, 542 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:10,469 "where the elves and the fairies would look after him, 543 00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:13,677 "until the day that he died." 544 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:15,637 (Leia) Oh! 545 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:19,759 That was lovely, Edmund. What a happy story. 546 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:24,189 Is it time to put the light out? 547 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:26,875 Yes, my dear, I think it is. 548 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,952 It must be at least six o'clock. 549 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:35,988 # The sound of hoof-beats 'cross the glade 550 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:40,073 # Good folk, lock up your son and daughter 551 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:43,835 # Beware the deadly flashing blade 552 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:47,674 # Unless you want to end up shorter 553 00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:51,753 # Black Adder, Black Adder 554 00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:55,719 # He rides a pitch-black steed 555 00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:59,679 # Black Adder, Black Adder 556 00:32:59,760 --> 00:33:04,550 # He's very bad indeed 557 00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:08,076 # Black, his gloves of finest mole 558 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:12,358 # Black, his codpiece made of metal 559 00:33:12,440 --> 00:33:16,399 # His horse is blacker than a vole 560 00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:20,029 # His pot is blacker than his kettle 561 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:23,795 # Black Adder, Black Adder 562 00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:27,668 # With many a cunning plan 563 00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:32,231 # Black Adder, Black Adder 564 00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:37,075 # You horrid little man # 565 00:33:38,360 --> 00:33:41,318 (Leia) Can I have a drink of water, please? 566 00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:43,550 (Edmund) Yes, yes, yes. All right.