1 00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:21,554 (Feeble voice) Dying, My Lords? 2 00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:24,629 - Am I dying? - Never! 3 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:28,076 - Never! - Yet, my son, 4 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:31,038 to pass away the idle hours till your recovery... 5 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,348 Urgh-h! 6 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:35,637 ...let us imagine you were to pass away. 7 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:37,836 To whom would you leave your lands? 8 00:00:39,560 --> 00:00:41,551 To me, of course! 9 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:45,952 Ye-es. To my beloved king. 10 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:50,511 May your filthy soul be prepared for Hell, my son. 11 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:52,989 - Hell? - Yes, Hell... 12 00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:55,150 where Satan belches fire 13 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:59,791 and enormous devils break wind both night and day. 14 00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:03,998 And where the mind is never free from the torments of remorse, 15 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:08,119 and your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks. 16 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:11,397 No! Spare me the little forks! 17 00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,715 What is this nonsense? 18 00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:18,828 Hell... where the softest bits of your nether regions 19 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,480 are everybody's favourite lunch. 20 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:22,959 Oh, Christ! 21 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:28,356 Forgive me, sire. I will change my will 22 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:32,911 and leave my land to the Church. 23 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:33,910 What? 24 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,873 Blessed be thy stainless soul! 25 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:43,829 Ah, you will change your mind later. I know it! 26 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:45,592 Urgh-h! 27 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:52,036 I think... not! 28 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,231 (Edmund) Now, Baldrick, what news? 29 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:41,632 I'm told the Duchess of Gloucester has given birth to goblins. 30 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:44,234 No, about the Duke of Winchester. 31 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,551 - He's hanging on. - Must be on his last legs. 32 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:51,076 How many sets of legs has that man got? 33 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:53,720 I wish he'd make up his mind. 34 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,758 This shilly-shallying is so undignified. 35 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,028 My Lord, I come with tragic news. 36 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,872 Died at last, has he? 37 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,758 - Who, My Lord? - Oh, I see! 38 00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:09,879 You ask me what the message is before you tell it to me. 39 00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,110 Quite brilliant, I must say! 40 00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,873 I was referring to the Duke of Winchester. 41 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,599 Who, My Lord? 42 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:22,071 Let's try to sort this out in words of one syllable, shall we? 43 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:24,754 - Someone has died, yes? - Yes, My Lord. 44 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,149 Who is it that has died? 45 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,276 The Archbishop of Canterbury, My Lord. 46 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,715 - Are you a cretin? - Yes, My Lord. 47 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,268 The Archbishop of Canterbury? 48 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,477 Oh, no - the King has done it again. 49 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:41,439 That's the third this year! How did this one die? 50 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,511 - 'Orribly, My Lord. - Any details? 51 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,909 'Orribly is all I was given. 52 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,958 - There you are! - I come with tragic news. 53 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,474 I've heard it. Will you go away? 54 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,596 Edmund, the Archbishop of Canterbury 55 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,513 has met with a most tragic accident. 56 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,910 I think I've fathomed out how it came about. 57 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,719 I've a pretty shrewd idea myself. 58 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:06,270 He was coming out of the Duke of Winchester's room. 59 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,557 Who had died, leaving his lands to the Church? 60 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,358 Well, yes. 61 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,749 And so the King was after his blood. 62 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:18,595 I dare say, but then, round the corner came Sir Tavish Mortimer. 63 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,477 The King's hired killer? 64 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,677 No, that tall fellow with no ears. 65 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:25,079 That's him. 66 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,550 He rushed towards the Archbishop, head bowed, 67 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,598 in order to receive his blessing... 68 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,638 and, er, unfortunately killed him stone dead. 69 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:35,994 How? 70 00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:39,072 Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet. 71 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,118 Oh, one of those with a two-feet spike. 72 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:46,079 Normally used for butting enemies and killing them stone dead. 73 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:50,312 So presumably he'd "forgotten" he was wearing it? 74 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:54,552 That's exactly what the poor fellow had done. 75 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:55,959 Tragic! 76 00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:59,635 Ah, yes, almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram 77 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:03,759 being struck by a falling gargoyle off Beachy Head. 78 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:08,072 Quite. And nearly as tragic as poor Archbishop Wilfred 79 00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,914 falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. 80 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:16,516 Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways. 81 00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:20,275 I don't know how I'm going to break it to his catamite. 82 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,555 What a tragic accident, My Lord. 83 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:26,395 Accident, my codling! 84 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,670 (Percy) Who do you think will take over? 85 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:33,196 One of the bishop fellows, I imagine. 86 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:35,555 They tend to go for religious types. 87 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:39,713 Rumour has it, My Lord, the King wants to choose Prince Harry. 88 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:40,915 Really? 89 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:44,276 Prince Harry, archbishop, My Lord? 90 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:48,512 Good Lord! Prince Harry, archbishop! 91 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:52,639 And we all know what happens to archbishops, don't we? 92 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,995 They go to Canterbury. 93 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:57,355 No, no, no, no, no, no! 94 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,997 Oh, yes! 95 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:03,991 Are you sure about your source? 96 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:05,593 It was Jane Smart - 97 00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,797 the one who told me about the chocolate chastity belt. 98 00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:11,519 It was? Blimey! 99 00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,478 Well, with Harry gone... 100 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:22,392 - the Black Adder will be... - (Both) King... Next! 101 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:26,712 Yes, today could be one of the most important days of my life. 102 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:30,554 Percy, I shall require splendid garments for the ceremony. 103 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:34,519 - Certainly. Hat, My Lord? - Trojan, I think. 104 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,113 - Boots? - The Italian. 105 00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:39,954 - And codpiece, My Lord? - Well, let's go... 106 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:44,909 for the Black Russian, shall we? It terrifies the clergy. 107 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:49,790 (Braying laughter) 108 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:52,952 (Organ) 109 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,709 Any news, Baldrick? 110 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:03,952 Apparently, Lord Wilders is keeping his sheep in his bedroom, 111 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,235 but nothing on the appointment, no. 112 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:07,389 Fair enough. 113 00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:16,833 - Why are you dressed like this? - Like what, sorry? 114 00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:20,754 Well, this enormous nonsense here. 115 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:22,796 (Fanfare) 116 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,996 Fingers crossed! 117 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:31,798 Members of the court and, er... clergy, 118 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,519 I have... at last... 119 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:39,230 after careful consultation with Lord God, his son, Jesus Christ, 120 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:43,279 and his insubstantial friend, the Holy Ghost, 121 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:47,672 decided upon the next archbishop. 122 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:54,355 May he last longer in his post than his predecessors. 123 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,079 Fat chance! 124 00:07:57,160 --> 00:08:01,676 I appoint to the Holy See of Canterbury 125 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,910 my own son... 126 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:09,630 ...Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh! 127 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:12,029 Eeh-h! 128 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:14,554 Archbishop, we salute thee! 129 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:20,478 - Congratulations! - D-D-Down! 130 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,437 Oh! 131 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,914 Use both hands. Very good, very good! 132 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:42,270 Well done, Harry! (Knock) Enter! 133 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,558 Ah, Your Majesty! 134 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,471 Ha! My Lord Archbishop! 135 00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:51,838 There were just a couple of points about my appointment, 136 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,912 - before things are firmed up. - Yes? 137 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,753 - Firstly, could I...? - No, you couldn't. 138 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,353 Fine. And secondly... 139 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,477 Don't be mistaken about this appointment. 140 00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,437 I've always despised you. 141 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:09,878 Well, you are my father, of course. I mean, you're biased. 142 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:14,158 You, compared to your beloved brother Harry - ha-ha-ha! - 143 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,754 are as excrement compared to cream. 144 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,308 Oh, My Lord, you flatter me! 145 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,960 And me, also. 146 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:25,510 So when I've at last found a use for you, 147 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:29,479 - don't try to get out of it. - No, no. Certainly not. 148 00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:32,154 I just wondered whether another man 149 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:36,552 equally weak-willed and feeble might do just as well. 150 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,029 Ha! There's no such man! 151 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,998 No, of course not. Silly me! 152 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:47,200 I thought, though, perhaps, someone who believed in God...? 153 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:51,353 No, if I needed someone who believed in God, 154 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,237 I'd have chosen Harry, 155 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,551 not an embarrassing weed like you. 156 00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:00,269 Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up. 157 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:04,911 Goodness! It must be almost time for Evensong. Must go. 158 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,514 Egbert! 159 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,315 Come here. 160 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,754 A word of advice. 161 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,276 If you cross me now... or ever... 162 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:32,831 I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites. 163 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,990 I don't think that's a good idea! 164 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,435 You understand? 165 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,830 I shall make myself available for all eventualities. 166 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,994 Thank you so much. 167 00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,195 Flee! 168 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:04,828 We've got the thumbscrews, the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks, 169 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,718 those long rods you r-ram... 170 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,679 - Where's the dwarf? - Here, My Lord. 171 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,352 Right, let's go. 172 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:17,989 - Archbishop! - Aah... 173 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,677 - H-Hail. - Going somewhere? 174 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,074 Um... 175 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:29,514 Yes. 176 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,319 Where? 177 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,073 To C-Canterbury. 178 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:39,790 Oh, good! Harry here will accompany you. 179 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:44,954 I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture. 180 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:49,718 (The King) Fresh horses! 181 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:54,396 My Lord, if we're to catch the boat for France, you'll have to hurry. 182 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:55,879 To France? 183 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,191 Um, are you off to France, Percy? 184 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,271 I thought we all were. 185 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:06,229 No, no. Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry? 186 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:11,597 Oh, I see. You've changed your plan. 187 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,433 N-No. No, not really. 188 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:19,913 The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure 189 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,468 and follow me at a distance, that would be fine. 190 00:12:22,560 --> 00:12:24,391 Harry? 191 00:12:24,480 --> 00:12:26,596 And another thing, Your Grace, 192 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:31,549 suppose my right hand offends me and I cut it off, 193 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:34,677 what if my left hand offends me too? 194 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,399 What do I cut if off with? 195 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:40,711 Ah, yes. Yes, that is a knotty one. 196 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:41,949 Yes. 197 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:55,634 Here, who's that? 198 00:12:55,720 --> 00:13:01,317 I dunno, but that tall fellow, he had a face full of manure. 199 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,358 That's what I call style! 200 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,471 (Ceremonial organ chords) 201 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,795 Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, 202 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:21,398 believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost? 203 00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:24,517 (Bell tolls) 204 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:27,996 Um, yes. 205 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:31,834 I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury 206 00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:35,151 and Primate of all England. 207 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:42,878 A-choo! 208 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:48,878 (Blows nose noisily) 209 00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:57,276 (Narrator) His investiture over, 210 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:01,956 Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth. 211 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,357 But ever the shadow of his father's threat hung over him, 212 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,158 until one day... 213 00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:12,028 Tell me, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites? 214 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:13,599 I dunno, My Lord. 215 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:18,117 I can't imagine it was worse than they used to do to each other. 216 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:23,756 Oh, my God, this is it! 217 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,798 Baldrick, go and get My Lord Bishop of Ramsgate. 218 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,838 - Eh? - Get Percy! Get Percy! 219 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:36,229 My life is hanging by a thread! 220 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:48,116 And if I don't leave my lands to the Church, then what? 221 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:51,590 Then, Lord Graveney, you will assuredly go to Hell. 222 00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,432 Alas! 223 00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:54,953 Hell... 224 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:59,750 where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds. 225 00:14:59,840 --> 00:15:03,799 No, no! (Hacking cough) 226 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:07,998 I place my lands in the hands of the Church. 227 00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:11,629 And so bid the world farewell! 228 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,595 What? The Archbishop not yet arrived? 229 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:20,672 Not yet, and even if he did arrive... 230 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,034 - Wait! - Too late! 231 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,838 Out of my way! 232 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:28,630 I'll kill the pair of you! I'll abolish the Church! 233 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,678 My Lord! My Lord! Aa-ii-ee! 234 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:35,070 I said, "Out!" Get out! 235 00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:40,109 Oh, My Lord, My Lord! Wake up, wake up... 236 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,634 Wake up! 237 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:48,878 - Am I in Paradise? - No, no. Not yet. 238 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:53,636 Then this must be Hell. Alas! Spare my posterior! 239 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:56,234 No, you're all right - it's England. 240 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,390 And you are not Satan? 241 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:00,994 No, I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury. 242 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:05,870 Oh, Your Grace, I have left all my lands to the Church. 243 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,951 Am I to be saved? 244 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,998 No, you treacherous swine! I'll kill you! 245 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:16,473 Wait! Let's just take this through in stages, shall we? 246 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:20,951 Um, you know, the Church doesn't really need your lands. 247 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:25,033 No, what it needs is a damn good thrashing! 248 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:30,114 But if I do not gain its blessing, I will surely go to Hell! 249 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:33,476 - Hell, where tiny tweezers... - Get out! 250 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:40,228 Someone like you go to Hell? Never! Never! 251 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:43,835 - I have committed many sins. - Haven't we all? 252 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,913 - I murdered my father. - I know how you feel! 253 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,151 - Alas! - Hurry up, Egbert! 254 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,630 - I have committed adultery... - Who hasn't? 255 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,075 ...more than a thousand times... 256 00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:00,038 Well, it is 1487. 257 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,078 ...with my mother. - What? 258 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:06,391 You see, I will go to Hell. 259 00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:10,632 Hell, where growths like turnips sprout out the nose... 260 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,950 Kill him! 261 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,998 Um, well, let's take Hell. 262 00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:20,993 Hell isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be. 263 00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:24,311 - What? - No, no, no, no. 264 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,870 The thing about Heaven is that Heaven is for people 265 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:31,839 who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven, 266 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:36,755 like singing, talking to God, watering pot plants. 267 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:39,229 Whereas Hell, on the other hand, 268 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:43,791 is for people who like the other sorts of things - 269 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:49,989 adultery, pillage, torture... those areas. 270 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,399 Really? 271 00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:56,395 Mmm. Once you're dead, you'll have the time of your life. 272 00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:00,029 Adultery, pillage - through all eternity? 273 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,190 Yep! 274 00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:07,070 Struck with large sticks against your tender portions... 275 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,511 Henry, it's your decision. 276 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:15,151 Very well. I'll leave my lands to the Crown 277 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:18,676 and my soul in the hands of the Lord. 278 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:22,912 May he treat me like the piece of refuse that I am 279 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,195 and send me to Hell where I belong. 280 00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,076 Amen! 281 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,151 Amen. You're a lucky man. 282 00:18:28,240 --> 00:18:32,199 I wish I could come with you, but being Archbishop... 283 00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,271 - I'm so sorry. - It's OK. 284 00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:35,634 Ah-h! 285 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:46,510 - My son! - Father! 286 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:51,117 - Father! - My son! 287 00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:55,594 Who's that? 288 00:18:55,680 --> 00:19:00,151 Looks like the kind of pair who would kill the Archbishop. 289 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,719 Typical! 290 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:04,075 (The King) You Turkish dog! 291 00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:09,917 - You Turkish pig! - Father, it's me! Pax! 292 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,355 Oh, yes. Sorry, Harry. You're improving. 293 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:13,589 Yes. 294 00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:17,514 Well, thank you, Father. Good night, Mother. 295 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:21,991 He's gaining on me! He's gaining on me! 296 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:24,230 And how was Edmund? 297 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:29,030 Oh, very well. Chiswick! Fresh horse! 298 00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:33,193 And how are his dear little sheep? 299 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,589 - Whose sheep? - Edmund's sheep. 300 00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:38,035 What sheep? 301 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:40,350 Well, the ones at Canterbury. 302 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,512 His flock that he was talking about. 303 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,160 Oh, my God! 304 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:54,630 I can't understand it. Edmund doesn't even like religion. 305 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,269 That's impossible. He's the Archbishop of Canterbury! 306 00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:01,989 Yes, and the Archbishop is also a naughty boy, 307 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:04,071 whose bottom I smacked 308 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,549 for relieving himself in the pond. 309 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,835 That was a long time ago. 310 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,911 It was last Thursday. 311 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,990 Hell, the boy's turned out well. 312 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,277 A long and healthy life to him! 313 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:32,674 Ha! 314 00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:37,117 I thank God that never again shall I have to say, 315 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:40,272 "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?" 316 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:45,670 - What is that? - Something Henry II said 317 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:49,389 when he was having trouble with Thomas a Becket. 318 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:53,075 He was sitting with two drunken knights and yelled, 319 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:56,391 "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?" 320 00:20:57,880 --> 00:20:59,677 What? 321 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,194 Oh, God save us! 322 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:07,229 I said, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?" 323 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:09,038 Meaning who? 324 00:21:09,120 --> 00:21:12,590 The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course! 325 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,033 They went off and killed him, of course! 326 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:25,830 Right, let's get down to business. 327 00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:26,955 Business? 328 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,076 Baldrick's been looking at ways 329 00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,072 of making a bit of money on this job. 330 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:36,392 Basically, there appear to be four major profit areas. 331 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:41,349 Curses, pardons, relics and selling the sexual favours of the nuns. 332 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:45,319 Selling? Some people actually pay for them? 333 00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,595 Foreign business men, other nuns, yes. 334 00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:49,716 Let's start with pardons. 335 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:54,635 Well, this is a fair selection. You seem to get what you pay for. 336 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:58,838 They run from a pardon for talking with your mouth full 337 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,751 signed by an apprentice curate. 338 00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:02,319 How much is that? 339 00:22:02,400 --> 00:22:05,631 Two pebbles. All the way up to this one, 340 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,870 which is a pardon for anything: 341 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:12,078 murder, adultery, dismemberment of a friend or relative. 342 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:15,152 - Who is that signed by? - Both Popes. 343 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:16,798 That's a good one. 344 00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:21,670 Curses are much the same. I got this for half an egg. 345 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,274 Curse. "Dear Enemy, 346 00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:28,273 I curse you and hope that something unpleasant happens to you, 347 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,954 like an onion falling on your head." 348 00:22:31,040 --> 00:22:33,190 That's the bottom end of the market. 349 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,033 They run to this one for four ducats. 350 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:39,556 "Dear Enemy, May the Lord hate you and all your kind." 351 00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,631 "May you be turned orange 352 00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:45,315 and may your head fall off at an awkward moment." 353 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,356 - Does this work? - Yes. 354 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:48,919 - Really? - Yes! 355 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:51,036 - Really? - No! 356 00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:57,432 Moving on to relics, we've got shrouds from Turin, 357 00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:03,914 wine from the wedding at Cana, splinters from the Cross... 358 00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,072 and there's all the stuff made by Jesus 359 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,232 in his days in the carpentry shop. 360 00:23:10,320 --> 00:23:14,757 Pipe racks, coffee tables, cake stands, book ends... 361 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,876 crucifixes... 362 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:22,990 a nice cheeseboard, fruit bowls, waterproof sandals... 363 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,398 - I haven't finished this one yet. - Disgraceful! 364 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:30,438 - They're obviously fake! - Ha! Yes. 365 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:34,798 But how will people tell which are the real relics? 366 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,110 They won't. That's the point. 367 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:41,318 Well, you won't be able to fool everyone. Look! 368 00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:46,635 I have here a true relic. 369 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:48,358 What is it? 370 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:52,558 It is a bone from the finger of Our Lord. 371 00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:55,916 It cost me 31 pieces of silver. 372 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,468 Good Lord! Is it real? 373 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:02,553 It is, My Lord. Baldrick, you stand amazed. 374 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:06,428 I am. I thought they only came in boxes of ten. 375 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:08,909 I could've given you one of mine. 376 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:11,639 Yeah, fingers are really big now. 377 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:15,508 But for a quick sale, you can't beat a nose. 378 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:19,559 This is the Sacred Appendage Compendium Party Pack. 379 00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:23,474 Jesus's nose... St Peter's nose... 380 00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:27,269 St Francis's nose... 381 00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:29,999 Oh, no. They're Joan of Arc's. 382 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,674 Bastard verger! I'll show him! 383 00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:38,909 I'll show him! 384 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:40,752 Oh! 385 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:43,479 - Hello. - Good evening. 386 00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:45,949 And what can I do for you? 387 00:24:46,040 --> 00:24:51,239 Well, we're here to murder the Archbishop of Canterbury... 388 00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:53,276 ...'s various enemies. 389 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:57,717 - We fear he may be in danger. - Really? How? 390 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:01,270 Let me see. Perhaps good King Richard, 391 00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:04,830 - angry with the Archbishop... - Don't know why. 392 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:09,357 ...might well send two drunken knights fresh from the Crusades 393 00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:13,319 on a mission to wreak vengeance on him. 394 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:16,358 Good point. It has happened before. 395 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:19,910 Sorry, I didn't quite catch your names. 396 00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,993 - George de Boef. - How do you do? 397 00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,559 Justin de Boinod. 398 00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:29,679 Two drunken knights fresh from the Crusades 399 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:33,639 and here on a mission for King Richard, bless him! 400 00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:35,438 And your mission? 401 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:37,795 We're here to kill... 402 00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:42,635 ...a bit of time... before our next Crusade. 403 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,756 Oh, right, yes. 404 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:47,832 Well, I'll just go and get him. 405 00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:53,592 Ah, Baldrick, a couple of knights to see the Archbishop. 406 00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:54,908 Oh, my God! 407 00:25:57,880 --> 00:25:59,836 Monks! 408 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,753 My Lord, I've something to tell you. 409 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:08,709 If it's about the nuns at Uppingham and the candelabra, I've heard it. 410 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:12,395 No, there's two men outside who've come to kill you. 411 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:13,515 What? 412 00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:21,038 l-I'm terribly sorry about this. I'll just see what the delay is. 413 00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:22,314 Feel free. 414 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:25,278 Look, what's going on? 415 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:28,477 Those two men have come to kill us! 416 00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:33,236 Oh, just because they've a bit of class, you assume they're killers! 417 00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:36,756 Oh, my God, there's no way out! 418 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:41,550 Help! Help! Oh, my God, help us! 419 00:26:55,120 --> 00:26:57,873 They've dropped off! 420 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:03,277 - Ya-ah-h! - Ya-a-ah! 421 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:11,909 Damn! They must have gone down the secret passage to the nunnery. 422 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:17,350 Ya-a-ah-h! 423 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:26,793 Sisters, three men came in. Which way did they go? 424 00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:31,396 (Falsetto) Oh, I think they went that way. 425 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:33,869 God bless you! 426 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:39,432 Wait! They'll be watching out for us dressed like this. 427 00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:41,158 Quick! In here! 428 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:55,234 (They titter nervously) 429 00:27:55,320 --> 00:28:00,519 Pray, Sister, have you seen two burly knights pass this way? 430 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:06,072 (Cracked falsetto) Er, no, Sister. More's the pity! 431 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:09,436 Why don't you try that way? 432 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:13,991 - (Normal voices) Thanks. - You're welcome. 433 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,351 And yet, Mother Superior, 434 00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:23,949 does not St. Paul say in The Ephesians, 435 00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:26,916 "A woman is like a bat - 436 00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:30,400 "often heard but never seen."? 437 00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:34,352 No, I don't think so, Sara. 438 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,715 Shall we check the dormitory? 439 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:39,519 Oh, yes, Mother Superior. Good idea! 440 00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:46,477 Girls! 441 00:28:46,560 --> 00:28:48,596 Girls! Girls! 442 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:50,511 I've told you a thousand times, 443 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:54,309 fighting in the dormitories is forbidden! 444 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:56,834 Who is the ringleader? 445 00:28:56,920 --> 00:28:59,832 You! Yes, you, the plain girl! 446 00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:07,794 Oh, my God! It's the Archbishop of Canterbury! 447 00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:10,872 And a man! Ooh-h! 448 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:16,034 Er, I think I can explain. (Giggles weakly) 449 00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:19,909 And that, sweet lady, is the whole story. 450 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:22,719 Let's go over the facts again. 451 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:24,199 Once appointed Archbishop, 452 00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:28,478 you found all your interests lay in beautiful vestments. 453 00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:30,357 Ah, the fine embroidery! 454 00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:34,035 Unable to resist the slide into depravity, 455 00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:36,236 you began to dress up like a nun. 456 00:29:36,320 --> 00:29:40,199 The irresistible texture of the hessian underthings! 457 00:29:40,280 --> 00:29:41,838 I can understand that. 458 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:44,514 Then you forced the Bishop of Ramsgate 459 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:47,592 and Brother Baldrick to do so also. 460 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:51,150 Oh, may I be cursed for it! 461 00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:54,198 Finally, you got two knights drunk 462 00:29:54,280 --> 00:29:57,750 and invited them to wrestle with you inside the nunnery 463 00:29:57,840 --> 00:30:00,832 - in a heathen orgy. - That's it, yes. 464 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:05,596 It bears the ring of truth and I must therefore tell you 465 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:10,800 that I have written to all Popes recommending your excommunication. 466 00:30:10,880 --> 00:30:14,316 Never more may you be Archbishop of Canterbury! 467 00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:15,753 Oh, dear! 468 00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:19,992 Enough, Sister Sara. I think he's learnt his lesson. 469 00:30:20,080 --> 00:30:21,513 Sorry? 470 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:24,790 Oh. Ow! Ow! 471 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,872 Go, sirrah, and meet thy doom! 472 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:31,396 (Ominous organ chords) 473 00:30:59,440 --> 00:31:01,874 Quick! The nunnery's on fire! 474 00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:07,594 # The sound of hoofbeats cross the glade 475 00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:11,639 # Good folk, lock up your son and daughter 476 00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:15,633 # Beware the deadly flashing blade 477 00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:19,110 # Unless you want to end up shorter 478 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:23,239 # Black Adder, Black Adder 479 00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:27,279 # He rides a pitch-black steed 480 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:31,353 # Black Adder, Black Adder 481 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:35,638 # He's very bad indeed 482 00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:39,838 # Black his gloves of finest mole 483 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:43,549 # Black his codpiece made of metal 484 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:47,758 # His horse is blacker than a vole 485 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:51,628 # His pot is blacker than his kettle 486 00:31:51,720 --> 00:31:55,429 # Black Adder, Black Adder 487 00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:59,308 # With many a cunning plan 488 00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:03,598 # Black Adder, Black Adder, 489 00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:06,399 # You horrid little man! # 490 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:11,037 Alas! The corruption of the world! 491 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:13,236 Yes, alas! 492 00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:15,880 I'm tired and weary. You may leave. 493 00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:18,758 - Very well. - Alas. 494 00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:22,678 Presumably you won't be needing the unicorn tonight? 495 00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:26,514 No. No, not tonight, Sara.