1
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:23,992
As the good Lord said:
Love thy neighbour as thyself -

2
00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:28,437
unless he's Turkish,
in which case, kill the bastard!

3
00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:37,557
- Farewell, dear Harry.
- Farewell, Father.

4
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,430
Edward.

5
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:01,272
My Lord...

6
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:04,993
...with the King gone...
- Hmm?

7
00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:08,071
Of course!

8
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:12,358
At last, the chance
for some real power!

9
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,908
(Laughs fiendishly)

10
00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:59,712
I want you scum
back to the castle by sundown

11
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:03,031
or you'll be slaughtered! Onward!

12
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,634
Come on! Come on!
(The sheep bleat)

13
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:10,191
Shut up! And you can keep quiet -
I've had enough of you.

14
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,236
Shut up!

15
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:17,076
Right, come on, you...
Where are you going?

16
00:02:17,160 --> 00:02:19,913
Stop! Where are you going?

17
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,151
No, not away from the castle,
towards it!

18
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,151
Shut up!

19
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:28,232
Splendid! Splendid!
(Bleating)

20
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:32,677
You're not supposed to be here!
That's far enough. Get out!

21
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:40,034
If I could get my hands
on that bastard Harry!

22
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,872
(Harry)
Ah, Edmund!

23
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,392
Edmund!

24
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:54,076
There you are! Splendid news,
Edmund! Father's coming home!

25
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:58,950
He writes here that
he'll be back by St Leonard's Day.

26
00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:01,634
We can celebrate
both events together.

27
00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,429
I shall handle
the visiting royalty, of course,

28
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,317
and the papal legate,

29
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:10,153
and you can sort out the frolics.

30
00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:12,196
The frolics?

31
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:17,070
Yes. The morris dancers,
eunuchs and the bearded women.

32
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,833
Traditional
St Leonard's Day entertainments.

33
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:24,869
Damnation! I won't have enough time
to attend to the drains. Edmund!

34
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,872
You'll have to look into those.

35
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,190
Er... yes... yes.
Fine, fine, I'd be honoured!

36
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,511
Good! You won't let me down?

37
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:37,388
No, no, no, I'm really
looking forward to it already.

38
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,391
Thank you so very much.

39
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,595
Splendid!

40
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,753
Twelve months of chasing sheep

41
00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:50,755
and straightening
the royal portraits, and now this!

42
00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:52,478
The bastard.

43
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,152
The bastard!

44
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,748
If only he were, My Lord.

45
00:03:58,840 --> 00:03:59,875
What?

46
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,394
If only he were a bastard,
My Lord,

47
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,471
then you would be regent now.

48
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,757
Ah, yes! And then one day...

49
00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,400
...you would be king, My Lord.

50
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:11,913
Ah, yes!

51
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,230
Yes, I would be king.

52
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,197
Then what?

53
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:19,192
(Both)
You'd rule the world, My Lord!

54
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:20,759
Precisely!

55
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,671
It's not fair, you know.

56
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,718
Every other woman
in the court has bastards,

57
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,030
but not my mother, oh, no.

58
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:30,759
She's so pure,
she daren't look down,

59
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:33,035
in case she notices
her own breasts.

60
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:38,116
You must be looking forward
to the King's return, Your Majesty.

61
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,155
No.

62
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:44,472
No, My Lady? But think,
he will come to your chamber

63
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,518
and make mad,
passionate love to you.

64
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:50,433
Yes. I wish he wouldn't do that.

65
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:55,150
It's very difficult to sleep
with that kind of thing going on.

66
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:59,074
Used all night,
like the outside of a sausage roll.

67
00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:04,598
Still, there's the St Leonard's Day
celebrations to look forward to -

68
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,240
the jesters, the jugglers...

69
00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:12,110
A great brown ox, steaming
and smouldering all night long.

70
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,555
Oh, yes! The feast!

71
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:15,629
Sorry?

72
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,439
No, I was thinking
of something else.

73
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:23,116
I hope they've got
the morris dancers - I love them.

74
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,556
Yes. I like the eunuchs.

75
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:28,596
Oh, yes!

76
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,636
The eunuchs!

77
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:33,393
I wish I owned one.

78
00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,914
I wish I'd married one.

79
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:41,028
No, fine, fine. Could have happened
to anyone. Never mind, never mind.

80
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:42,951
Oh, God.

81
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,873
I don't believe it.

82
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:50,033
We've only one act,
and she's shaved her beard off.

83
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:51,439
There's the eunuchs.

84
00:05:51,520 --> 00:05:56,469
Oh, yes - and the amazing
beardless woman. What a line-up!

85
00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,791
Percy, there must be someone else!

86
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,110
The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem!

87
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,720
- What do they do?
- They jump, My Lord.

88
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,233
What?

89
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:10,153
They come in, My Lord,
and they jump.

90
00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,310
A lot. It's a humorous act.

91
00:06:12,400 --> 00:06:15,358
There must be
something else, surely.

92
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,910
Ha! What's this?
"The Death Of The Pharaoh."

93
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:23,516
"Sir Dominic Prick and his
Magnificent Strolling Wooferoonies

94
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,593
"perform the tragic masterpiece
The Death Of The Pharaoh."

95
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:28,999
How funny!

96
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,991
I found it very moving.

97
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:35,198
It had better be funny,
or Prick gets his comeuppance!

98
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:38,716
Jerry Merryweather
and his four chickens?

99
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:41,109
What do they do? Lay eggs?

100
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,315
Yes, My Lord.

101
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,597
We'll have them.
(Knock at door)

102
00:06:58,080 --> 00:07:00,469
What is it, My Lord?

103
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:04,394
- The eunuchs have cancelled.
- Oh, dear.

104
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:08,519
Ha! I should have known!
Never trust a eunuch!

105
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:10,033
What shall we do?

106
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:13,112
I know. Baldrick,
give me an execution order.

107
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,714
I'm going to teach them a lesson.

108
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:20,510
I'll remove whatever extraneous
parts of their bodies still remain!

109
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,557
- My Lord...
- Take that to the Lord Chancellor.

110
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:27,788
This is desperate!

111
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:31,190
We could have
the morris dancers, My Lord.

112
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:35,353
Now, look.
We are not that desperate.

113
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:39,194
Morris dancing
is the most fatuous entertainment

114
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:42,670
ever devised by man.
40 effeminate blacksmiths

115
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,718
waving a cloth
they've wiped their noses on!

116
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:49,031
How it's still going on,
I'll never know.

117
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,634
So... do you want them, or not?

118
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,231
Ah, Edmund.

119
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,516
And rest.

120
00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,876
Splendid.
How are the rest coming along?

121
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,474
Very, very well indeed.

122
00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:14,758
Um... I think it's going to have
a slightly... spartan look.

123
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:15,955
What? Greek?

124
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,157
Er... Yes, that's right,
a Greek look.

125
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:23,028
- Good. Everyone turning up?
- Oh, absolutely everyone.

126
00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:28,319
So many, in fact, that I'm afraid
I've had to let the eunuchs go.

127
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,675
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

128
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:31,795
No?

129
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,793
No! That won't do at all!
Not on St Leonard's Day.

130
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:39,236
Because... correct me
if I'm wrong, Lord Percy -

131
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:42,198
St Leonard himself was an eunuch.

132
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,159
Ye-e-e-s, that's right.

133
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:53,515
Well, I thought
it might be more tactful...

134
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,555
No, no.

135
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:58,633
To leave out the eunuchs on
St Leonard's Day would be like...

136
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:02,639
leaving out morris dancers
or the bearded women!

137
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:09,468
Besides, Lord Dougal McAngus,
the supreme commander, is expected

138
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:13,269
and eunuchs
are his particular favourite.

139
00:09:14,360 --> 00:09:16,999
He's Scottish, you see.

140
00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:19,196
Ah.

141
00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:22,955
Well, I'm relying on you, Edmund.
Carry on!

142
00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,752
So! Some carrot-faced,
thistle-arsed

143
00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:34,709
Scottish orang-utan
wants a eunuch, does he?

144
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:38,349
- He's a great warrior.
- That's what they all say.

145
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,115
Barbarians! Half of them
can't even speak English.

146
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,476
- What do they speak?
- It's all Greek to me.

147
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,312
They speak Greek?

148
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,470
No. I mean it sounds like Greek.

149
00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:51,790
Then it probably is.

150
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,950
It's not Greek.

151
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,872
But it sounds like Greek.

152
00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:01,875
"What's not Greek, but sounds like
it?" That's a good one, My Lord.

153
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,428
It's not a brain-teaser, Percy.

154
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:08,229
I mean, I cannot understand
a word they're saying.

155
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,515
You never learned Greek!

156
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:16,430
Percy... have you ever wondered
what your insides look like?

157
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:19,034
Sometimes, My Lord, yes.

158
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:23,591
I'd be willing to satisfy your
curiosity. Is that clear? Is it?

159
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:26,717
God, this Scotsman's
annoying me already.

160
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,791
I'm the Duke of Edinburgh!

161
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,075
Laird of Roxburgh,
Selkirk and Peebles.

162
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:34,118
I can make things difficult for him.

163
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,111
As for these entertainments...

164
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:41,115
Baldrick, you've got a beard.
Get yourself a nice dress.

165
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,428
Great, My Lord!

166
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:46,479
Percy, you'd better go
get Bernard the bear-baiter.

167
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:48,471
- Yes.
- Looks like we'll need him.

168
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,437
- Percy.
- Yes, My Lord?

169
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:53,478
Tell him to bring a bear this time.

170
00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:57,155
The improvising
last year was pathetic.

171
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:03,034
Now, then, Mother.
A toast to Father's return.

172
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,999
(Fanfare)
What the devil...?

173
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:10,834
- Dougal McAngus!
- Oh, but of course!

174
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:20,318
Noble Prince of Wales,

175
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:25,155
McAngus greets you and lays
at your feet the spoils of war.

176
00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,718
Oh, sorry, that's my overnight bag.

177
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,998
Behold! Treasures
torn from the torsos of a Turk.

178
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:38,119
Oh, McAngus! It fills me
with joy and hope to see you.

179
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,873
What news of my father, the King?

180
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:45,078
He swore he'd be back
for St Leonard's - or die!

181
00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:48,709
God forfend!
We will pray for his safe passage.

182
00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,360
Join us. You must be starving.

183
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:53,556
- And young Lochinvar?
- And him, too.

184
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:54,993
Come on, Lochinvar!

185
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:05,877
You must be
the King's wee rumpy-pumpy.

186
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:09,077
- I am the Queen.
- I've got a message for ye.

187
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:12,948
- My father sends his regards.
- Do I know him?

188
00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,429
I think you could say that.

189
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,318
He's Donald McAngus,
third Duke of Argyll.

190
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,833
Oh!

191
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,912
(Fanfare)
Ah, Edmund!

192
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,673
Edmund is providing
the entertainments.

193
00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,318
Ah, the eunuch!

194
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,394
There's a groat for you.

195
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:36,995
(High-pitched voice)
I am not a eunuch.

196
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,992
- You sound like one.
- I am not a eunuch.

197
00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:42,196
I am the Duke of Edinburgh.

198
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:44,840
- Oh, you are?
- Yes!

199
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:49,948
Duke of Edinburgh, and as Scottish
as the Queen of England's tits!

200
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,599
No offence.

201
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:55,513
I'm sorry - you're in my chair.

202
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,352
Don't apologise.

203
00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:05,753
Now we know each other,
I have an announcement.

204
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:07,956
You're a eunuch as well?

205
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:11,430
McAngus, as reward
for your deeds in battle,

206
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:16,355
my father here empowers me to grant
you anything you may desire of me.

207
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,398
If he's got sense,
he'll ask for a haircut.

208
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:23,678
Brother, I'm honoured.
All I ask is a scrap of land.

209
00:13:23,760 --> 00:13:27,230
Grant me fair Selkirk
and the shire of Roxburgh.

210
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:30,198
- What?
- By the power vested in me...

211
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:35,070
Excuse me, I'm sorry to dip
my little fly in your ointment,

212
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:39,039
but those lands do,
in fact, belong to me.

213
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:40,599
Yes?

214
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:44,195
Well... so... perhaps
he'd like to choose somewhere else.

215
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:45,235
McAngus?

216
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,595
No. I'll have
Roxburgh and Selkirk.

217
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:49,796
That leaves Peebles!

218
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,348
- Oh, aye! And Peebles.
- But, but...

219
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,078
Trying to say something?

220
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:57,516
Well, I don't know.
Some people might say,

221
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,511
"What an absurd idea,

222
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,990
"giving away half of Scotland
to a kilted maniac,

223
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,991
"for slaughtering
syphilitic Turks."

224
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:10,113
Au contraire, I say,

225
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,509
"Let's reward him."

226
00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:15,592
Good, good. So be it.

227
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,150
Hurray!

228
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,198
I'm going to kill him - now!

229
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,192
- Who, My Lord?
- That Scottish weasel.

230
00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:33,395
Why, My Lord?

231
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,119
Because he's
a thieving Scottish weasel.

232
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,599
- How?
- I'll stab him.

233
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:38,749
Where?

234
00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:42,230
In the Great Hall
and in the bladder.

235
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:46,598
But... if you do it
in front of everybody,

236
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,750
won't they suspect something?

237
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,273
Yes.

238
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,316
Yes, a drawback.

239
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:55,517
Yes, perhaps we need something...

240
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,909
a little more cunning...

241
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:03,352
- I have a cunning plan.
- I have a more cunning one.

242
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:05,795
- Mine's pretty cunning.
- Not cunning enough.

243
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:09,270
- Depends on how cunning you mean.
- Damn cunning!

244
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,588
Mine's quite cunning.

245
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:14,434
Oh, all right,
let's hear what's so damn cunning!

246
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:17,273
You get him to come with you.

247
00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:22,195
Oh, brilliantly cunning. I ask him
to come, then stab him, perhaps?

248
00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:24,953
- How cunning!
- No, you get a cannon...

249
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:29,477
I see, and then get him to stick
his head in it and blow it off.

250
00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:32,154
- Yes!
- Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's...

251
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,708
a wonderful idea...

252
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:39,749
No, I think I have a plan
which will give us a little more...

253
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,831
entertainment.

254
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,912
(He laughs fiendishly)

255
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,436
Aaargh!

256
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,869
(Animal yelps)

257
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:02,354
(Soft footsteps)

258
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:05,079
Nnngaaargh!

259
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:10,475
Can I help ye?

260
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:13,836
Um, no. No, I'm fine, thank you.

261
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,876
Good.

262
00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,358
I'm not in your way
over here, am I?

263
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:24,316
No.

264
00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:31,870
Oh, there is just one thing.

265
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:35,919
I wondered if you could
do me a little favour.

266
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,439
Uh-huh?

267
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:44,230
I wondered if you would help
with the celebrations tonight.

268
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,197
How? By staying away?

269
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:49,590
(Laughs sheepishly, then screams)

270
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,154
Um... Well...

271
00:17:56,240 --> 00:18:00,791
Thing is, we were hoping
to present a mystery play

272
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,031
by one of our
leading thespianic troupes

273
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:08,796
but, unfortunately,
one of their number is ill, um...

274
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:13,635
and I thought you'd be the perfect
person to take his place.

275
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,676
Well, I warn ye...

276
00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:19,076
...I'm no actor.

277
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:22,277
There shouldn't be
much acting required.

278
00:18:23,640 --> 00:18:27,076
It's an ancient Egyptian piece

279
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:30,675
called "The Death Of The Scotsman".

280
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:34,230
I'll have a crack at it.
(Animal yelps)

281
00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,117
You could play the Scotsman,

282
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:40,557
if you like, who dies
at the end of the play.

283
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,438
Acting dead? That I can do.

284
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,875
Yes, well, as I say...

285
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:49,236
there may not be
much acting required.

286
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:55,991
(McAngus)
Mind the pit.

287
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:58,036
Woooorgh!

288
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,476
(Thump, boing, thump, boing)

289
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,872
Percy!

290
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:33,717
Tall trees! Let's see
those branches waving.

291
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,119
Taller, taller.

292
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:37,395
Now smaller! Small, small...

293
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,631
Have you made
the necessary changes?

294
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,039
Yes, My Lord.

295
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,635
- McAngus...
- Woooooh!

296
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,029
Meet your murderers.

297
00:19:59,080 --> 00:20:02,390
- # Mi mi mi... #
- How did it go?

298
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:03,959
Not bad,

299
00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,476
but I don't really think
they understood it.

300
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,950
We three are gathered
with most bold intent...

301
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:18,272
Here, by the banks
of the graceful Nile

302
00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:21,557
where camels ride
and deserts blow...

303
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,950
To spill the blood
of this Scotsman vile.

304
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:27,793
What's a Scotsman doing in Egypt?

305
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:31,555
I'm not sure,
but they've had good reviews.

306
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,517
See your mother there?

307
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,388
Apparently, my father
and your mother used to...

308
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:44,076
Don't be absurd. Such activities
are totally beyond my mother.

309
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,631
My father had to tell her
it was a cure for diarrhoea.

310
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:53,350
Don't you believe it. There are
some letters - they're hot stuff!

311
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:58,673
I tell you, they cast a wee doubt
over the parenthood of young Harry!

312
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,910
Don't be absurd!

313
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,399
What?

314
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,596
The bagpipe strums. Behold!

315
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:08,434
This way our victim comes.
For never...

316
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,318
- I'm on!
- Where are these letters?

317
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,153
Hidden away - I'll show you later!

318
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,310
Oh, all right.

319
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:23,317
Tutankhamen McPherson,
you come not a whit too soon,

320
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:28,030
for is this not the weather fair,
or this the Ides of June?

321
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,635
(McAngus)
Aye, it is.

322
00:21:31,720 --> 00:21:34,917
What business do you mean?

323
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,912
Quickly! McAngus is going to die!

324
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,276
- Any moment!
- Carrot-faced orang-utan!

325
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:44,113
- Thieving Scots weasel!
- (Both) Death!

326
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,350
He knows too much!

327
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:49,000
That is why he must die!

328
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:52,470
No, he mustn't, he mustn't!
He has vital information.

329
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:56,348
I've changed my mind.
What am I going to do?

330
00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,954
- Stop the show!
- How? How?

331
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:00,189
Just say "Stop".

332
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:03,078
What's our reason for stopping it?

333
00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:06,118
The knives are real.
McAngus will die.

334
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,428
No, you bastard!

335
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:19,519
Stop!

336
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,716
Sorry I'm late.

337
00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:27,238
Aaargh!

338
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,589
Excellent. It's certainly
my mother's handwriting.

339
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,558
- When were these written?
- 1460.

340
00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:45,359
The year my brother was born.

341
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:49,718
(He laughs fiendishly)
Baldrick! Get in here.

342
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:55,790
Tell everyone that the
entertainments have been cancelled.

343
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,553
- Why?
- Because I told you to, rat!

344
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,677
- Why have they been cancelled?
- I see.

345
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:06,311
Tell them I have a very important
announcement to make.

346
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,834
(He laughs fiendishly)

347
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:12,117
- Do I have to take the dress off?
- Get out!

348
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,559
If you played your cards right,
you could become king.

349
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:21,834
Yes, one day.

350
00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:25,549
Sooner, maybe. Your father
just charged into Constantinople

351
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,438
and they shut the gates on him.

352
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:29,669
- No?
- Yes!

353
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:32,479
10,000 Turks armed with scimitars,

354
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,233
and your father with a fruit knife.

355
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:47,755
Jerry Merryweather.

356
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:51,515
Another nail
in the coffin of variety.

357
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,353
I liked Bernard the rabbit-baiter.

358
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:55,989
Thank you.

359
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:59,595
Look, Edmund, is this
announcement going to take long?

360
00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,989
I haven't seen a eunuch yet.

361
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:06,153
Don't worry, Harry.
It will soon all be over.

362
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:12,914
My dear mother, my dear brother,
lords and ladies of the Court.

363
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:17,994
Today there came into my possession
from the hands, My Lord,

364
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,753
of your faithful servant,
Dougal McAngus

365
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:26,392
certain letters, certain
rather extraordinary letters

366
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:30,553
concerning the lineage
of Prince Harry.

367
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:34,076
Letters? What is
so extraordinary about them?

368
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:35,593
Letters?

369
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:40,913
Harry, they were written
by your mother... to your father.

370
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:47,991
Your father being, of course,
Donald, third Duke of Argyll.

371
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,230
I beg your pardon?

372
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:54,711
These letters are intimate.
Let me give you an example.

373
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:58,679
"Arundel, Thursday.
My dear hairy-wairy,

374
00:24:58,760 --> 00:25:02,639
"often, as you sit
at table with my husband,

375
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,280
"probing into affairs of state,

376
00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:08,477
- "I long for you to probe..."
- Edmund!

377
00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:11,711
Are you sure
you know what you're saying?

378
00:25:11,800 --> 00:25:14,917
As sure as Mother was
when she wrote:

379
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,436
"Dear big-boy, sail south.

380
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:22,399
"As you know, your galleon
is always assured

381
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,392
"a warm welcome in my harbour."

382
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:29,553
"Big-boy!" Mother!
Do you know about this?

383
00:25:29,640 --> 00:25:33,872
What chance did I have?
I was a little foreign girl.

384
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:38,556
Then I must renounce the regency
and hie me to a monastery.

385
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:43,156
Edmund, you shall be Regent
until... your father returns.

386
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:46,152
- The King will not return.
- What?

387
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,071
Oh, dear.

388
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:49,991
When McAngus last saw him,

389
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:52,594
he was facing
half the Turkish army,

390
00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,558
armed with
a small piece of cutlery.

391
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,870
So, Percy, if you'd start...

392
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:02,033
The King is dead.
Long live the King.

393
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:06,113
(All) The King is dead.
Long live the King.

394
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:10,557
- Probably dead.
- The King is probably dead.

395
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:14,189
(All) Long live the King.
The King is probably dead.

396
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:16,748
Long live the King. The King is...

397
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:24,989
(All)... not dead.
Long live the King. Hurray!

398
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:28,550
Love! Death! War!

399
00:26:28,640 --> 00:26:30,676
Rumpy-pumpy!

400
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:32,876
Brilliant!

401
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,235
McAngus!

402
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:39,836
My companion in blood
and most trusted friend!

403
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,592
You made it!

404
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:45,958
I made it -
thanks to my trusty fruit knife.

405
00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:56,315
Wait a minute.

406
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,994
What's going on here?

407
00:26:59,080 --> 00:27:01,150
Who are you?

408
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,071
He's our son.

409
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,593
What?

410
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:09,036
Oh, yes, of course... Enid.

411
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,839
My beloved father,
certain letters have come to light

412
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,549
which might change things
a bit around here.

413
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,471
Letters? What letters?

414
00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:24,599
They speak of acts of love
between your wife and Donald,

415
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,240
the Gay Dog of the Glens.

416
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:31,518
"How I long to be in that kingdom
between saffron sheets,

417
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:35,036
"where you and your ruler
are the only ruler,

418
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,953
"and then acts of love consummated,

419
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:41,032
"oh, you enormous Scotsman."
Etc, etc.

420
00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:45,352
These letters are dated
November and December 1460,

421
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:49,274
which, Harry,
in relation to your date of birth,

422
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:51,510
is precisely nine months...

423
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:54,114
...after I was born!

424
00:27:56,120 --> 00:28:01,240
But about nine months
before your birth, Edmund.

425
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:03,276
You!

426
00:28:03,360 --> 00:28:06,397
Yo-o-ou bastard!

427
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:09,597
I think you're the bastard, Edmund.

428
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,914
Silence! I want an explanation!

429
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:17,797
My Liege...

430
00:28:17,880 --> 00:28:21,873
the reason I have
gathered you all here today

431
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:27,512
is to get some proper justice meted
out against this Scottish turd

432
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:31,673
who has clearly forged
these obviously fake letters.

433
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:32,795
Let me see!

434
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:34,598
No! I rip them up,

435
00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:37,797
so no hint
of their filthy slander can remain!

436
00:28:42,760 --> 00:28:47,914
You come, fresh from slaughtering
chocos when their backs were turned

437
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:51,913
and think you can upset
the harmony of a kingdom?

438
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:55,629
- I challenge you to a duel!
- To the death!

439
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,314
Um... yes, all right.

440
00:28:58,400 --> 00:29:02,188
Excellent! After all,
it is St Leonard's Day -

441
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:05,078
there's meant to be
some entertainment!

442
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:11,556
Good, very good! Take your places.

443
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:15,552
(He mouths)

444
00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:18,393
It's the old times again, McAngus.

445
00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:21,233
Three Turks and the human kebab!

446
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:24,515
How could I ever forget!

447
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:28,275
Very well. Let the killing begin!

448
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:52,275
Let's see the Black Adder
wriggle out of this one!

449
00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:54,999
What's the hold-up?

450
00:29:55,080 --> 00:29:57,753
Um... I'll give you
everything I own. Everything!

451
00:29:57,840 --> 00:29:58,989
Aha!

452
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:01,799
I... I'm hardly a rich man...

453
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:03,950
Hardly a man at all!

454
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:06,508
But... but... but...

455
00:30:06,600 --> 00:30:09,717
my horse must be
worth 1,000 ducats.

456
00:30:09,800 --> 00:30:13,270
I can sell my wardrobe,
pride of my life.

457
00:30:13,360 --> 00:30:17,239
My swords, my curtains,
my socks and my fighting cocks.

458
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:19,754
My servants I can live without -

459
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:22,638
except perhaps he who oils my rack.

460
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:24,915
And my most intimate treasures -

461
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,594
my collection
of antique cod-pieces,

462
00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:29,830
my wigs for state occasions,

463
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:32,514
my wigs
for private occasions, and...

464
00:30:32,600 --> 00:30:34,955
for humorous occasions.

465
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:37,508
My collection of pokers,

466
00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:41,388
my grendle-stretchers,
my ornamental pomfreys

467
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:45,917
and of course, my autographed
miniature of Judas Iscariot.

468
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:51,990
(They all laugh)

469
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:54,071
That's not enough!

470
00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:57,474
Ach, I'm only kidding!

471
00:30:57,560 --> 00:31:00,757
Actually,
I'm quite interested in the wigs.

472
00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:02,592
Never mind!

473
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:05,757
Ach! Hey!

474
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:08,274
Hope life doesn't become too dull,

475
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:12,035
not being able
to pass laws over Scotland.

476
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:17,990
(Laughs weakly)
I wouldn't pass water over Scotland!

477
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:21,673
(He mumbles)
I'm fed up!

478
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:24,832
We're all terribly pleased
you're back, Father.

479
00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:26,239
I'm not.

480
00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:29,551
I miss the smell
of blood in my nostrils.

481
00:31:29,640 --> 00:31:31,517
And the Queen's "got a headache".

482
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:32,555
Oh, dear.

483
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:34,835
But it's a fascinating week ahead.

484
00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:36,876
The Archbishop of York

485
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:40,509
wants you to join
his formation Italian dance class.

486
00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:44,991
- I ought to give him an answer.
- Honest, or tactful?

487
00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:46,628
Tactful.

488
00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:49,632
- Tell him to get stuffed!
- Right.

489
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:51,676
Has that hooligan McAngus left?

490
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:54,513
Edmund's giving him
a last look round the castle.

491
00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:58,798
While this...

492
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:02,589
- I'll be sorry if he goes.
- (McAngus) Interesting!

493
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:05,990
So will Edmund.
They've become firm friends.

494
00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:08,878
- (Boom)
- The Turks?

495
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:10,359
The drains!

496
00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:15,275
Father! Harry! There's been a messy
accident. You must come quickly!

497
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:17,999
Oh, God! I'll get my plunger!

498
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:25,794
# The sound of hoofbeats
cross the glade

499
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:29,839
# Good folk,
lock up your son and daughter

500
00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:33,833
# Beware the deadly flashing blade

501
00:32:33,920 --> 00:32:37,310
# Unless you want to end up shorter

502
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:41,439
# Black Adder, Black Adder

503
00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:45,479
# He rides a pitch-black steed

504
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:49,712
# Black Adder, Black Adder

505
00:32:49,800 --> 00:32:53,839
# He's very bad indeed

506
00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:58,038
# Black his gloves of finest mole

507
00:32:58,120 --> 00:33:02,113
# Black his codpiece made of metal

508
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:05,988
# His horse is blacker than a vole

509
00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:09,868
# His pot is blacker
than his kettle

510
00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:13,714
# Black Adder, Black Adder

511
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:17,554
# With many a cunning plan

512
00:33:17,640 --> 00:33:21,872
# Black Adder, Black Adder

513
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:25,748
# You horrid little man! #